kandravamp: afkish again, but i'll check back when i
can
projectlily82: well
projectlily82: im not entirely sure
projectlily82: awkward conversation, good food, and a
good cartoon
projectlily82: conversation has gotten easier the more
we speak
projectlily82: shes coming back by to get something i
made for her
projectlily82: i made her a leaf print when the weather
started turning... when she got here i was like "i forgot to
give you this" and handed it to her
projectlily82: then i tried to call her cellphone
kandravamp is idle at 6:02:35 PM.
projectlily82: and she didnt answer, so i threw it in the
trash
projectlily82: then she called back
projectlily82: so i told her what happened
projectlily82: i cant fucking concentrate
kandravamp is no longer idle at 8:53:20 PM.
kandravamp: you around?
Auto response from projectlily82: Off to court
disaster. His eyes flashed with a mocking devil-may-care
attitude
http://xanga.com/kreejigs kandravamp is idle at 9:19:03 PM.
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kandravamp is idle at 10:42:19 PM.
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kandravamp is idle at 10:30:27 AM.
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kandravamp is idle at 10:59:17 AM.
kandravamp is no longer idle at 11:36:52 AM.
kandravamp is idle at 11:46:57 AM.
kandravamp is no longer idle at 1:18:40 PM.
kandravamp: poke
Auto response from projectlily82: Off to court
disaster. His eyes flashed with a mocking devil-may-care
attitude
http://xanga.com/kreejigs kandravamp is idle at 1:29:07 PM.
kandravamp is no longer idle at 1:30:40 PM.
kandravamp is idle at 1:40:40 PM.
kandravamp is no longer idle at 1:52:47 PM.
projectlily82: hello?
projectlily82: i really really need to cry, but i cant
kandravamp: why not?
projectlily82: i wont give her the satisfaction
projectlily82: and i like to punish myself
projectlily82: i try and try to bottle everything
kandravamp: have you talked to her again since
yesterday
projectlily82: she woke me up this morning
kandravamp: what happened?
projectlily82: she came back by for the thingy last night
projectlily82: the thingy i made her
projectlily82: we agreed that it was too broke
projectlily82: and threw it back in the trash
projectlily82: she called this morning passing a message
from someone who buys smoke from me now and then
kandravamp: did you guys talk at all?
projectlily82: we start to talk and she runs away
projectlily82: everytime
projectlily82: she fed me cocaine
projectlily82: leftover from a party last night
projectlily82: which isnt helping the not crying
projectlily82: or the crying for that matter
projectlily82: if i was there i'd prolly make phanks hate
me
projectlily82: hugging on people and crying
kandravamp: i think you need a vacation
projectlily82: and all that shit
kandravamp: some time away from her to realize that
you don't need her or the drugs to be ok
projectlily82: i cant go on vacation till finals weeks are
over
kandravamp: she needs the same thing
projectlily82: i dont have anywhere to go
projectlily82: or much money to go anywhere
kandravamp: when is you break?
projectlily82: im so sick of leeching money from my
parents and grandmother
projectlily82: break is 2 weeks off in 2-3 weeks
projectlily82: i cant concentrate
projectlily82: i cant concentrate when im sober
kandravamp: that before or after thanksgiving?
projectlily82: i cant sleep if im sober
projectlily82: i dont know
projectlily82: i cant think, i think there are 2 weeks until
break, which would make sense
projectlily82: which would leave
projectlily82: before thanksgiving
kandravamp: if you are off for thanksgiving, you should
come here
kandravamp: we can have turkey
projectlily82: i'll do my damndest to not do anything
stupid if i make it out that way
projectlily82: heh i just watched half of my buddy list
sign off
kandravamp: how many people are on your list>
projectlily82: i went and hung out with a girl last night
projectlily82: laf not many people
kandravamp: you like pumpkin pie?
projectlily82: yeaup
projectlily82: punkin pie is good stuff
kandravamp: cause i make some good stuff
projectlily82: my mom made one, but i cant eat
kandravamp: why?
projectlily82: i get really upset, it fuckws up my stomach
really bad
kandravamp: ahh
projectlily82: and then i do stupid shit like drink and do
drugs on an empty stomach and forget to eat
kandravamp: you should really do something to get out
of the situation for a bit tho
projectlily82: i'll prolly loose me a few lbs
projectlily82: *shakes head* i'd almost rather have her
around making me miserable
projectlily82: i'd almost rather punish myself
kandravamp: i really think you need to see that you can
have a life outside of the situation you have been in
projectlily82: i've been thinking real hardcore for the last
few months about doing ecsacy again
kandravamp: punishing yourself is not the healthy way
to do it
kandravamp: meep
projectlily82: im scared
projectlily82: and i need to cry
projectlily82: i can feel tears at the back of my eyes, but
i always stop them
kandravamp: i think you should cry
kandravamp: let it out
projectlily82: i fucking cant...im alone that kinda makes
sense, but it doesnt entirely, i dont feel safe even when im
alone
kandravamp: but you aren't really alone
projectlily82: there are people wandering around
upstairs and the phone rang and im talking to you
projectlily82: and the distraction of the phone slammed
all the walls back up
projectlily82: *sigh*
kandravamp: things will be ok
kandravamp: i know they will
kandravamp: you are a good person
projectlily82: i know, and i believe you, but i hate the
pain
kandravamp: you just need to remind yourself that you
can be ok without her
projectlily82: i hate it that every time i get my hands on a
good girl, bad things happen
projectlily82: i keep having those long term relationships
go to shit
kandravamp: how long has it been since you've gone
more than a few weeks without a girlfriend?
projectlily82: a better question is why cant kree handle
any lonliness?
projectlily82: why does the veryhint of lonliness drive
me into a panic?
projectlily82: why did i call myself kree?
projectlily82: its the same reason i come home and
party
kandravamp: here is a better question
projectlily82: think i was single for a few months before
the girl that was right before emily
kandravamp: where do you want to be in 1 year
projectlily82: i dont care as long as im not alone
projectlily82: thats just it
projectlily82: i lack the ability to look forward
projectlily82: im a very now oriented person
kandravamp: the whole thing is, you are defining alone
as "without a girlfriend"
projectlily82: not just without a girlfriend
kandravamp: you aren't alone when you have people
that care about you
projectlily82: the few hours between school and sleep
when i dont get to talk to anyone drives me absolutely
crazy
projectlily82: like when yesterday when i was sitting
here and you and needless were both idle
projectlily82: i hate to go out and find someone to chat
with
projectlily82: ^hate=had^
kandravamp: do you have any friends from school?
projectlily82: no
projectlily82: i hate those people
kandravamp: why
projectlily82: i dont know why
projectlily82: they deter me
projectlily82: too loud or too quiet or because they are
all married and have children, hell i dont know
projectlily82: the guys there are all very strange
projectlily82: and live far away from me
projectlily82: and i dont really have gas to go to these
places an hang out
projectlily82: i sometimes hang out with billy
kandravamp: who is that
projectlily82: he's alright, but he lives 50-60 miles in the
other direction, runs his own business and has a girlfriend
eating up most of his spare time
kandravamp: how close are you to graduating?
projectlily82: half a year
projectlily82: sometime summer or fall
projectlily82: depending on how well i finish in my
classes
kandravamp: are you working right now?
projectlily82: nope, im supposed to be concentrating on
school
kandravamp: it might help you to feel better about
yourself if you got a very part time job
kandravamp: i know it helped phanku
projectlily82: oh? he finally got himself one?
projectlily82: *cheers weakly for phanku*
kandravamp: yeah--pushing carts at walmart for
minimum wage :D
kandravamp: but it gets him out of the house a few
times a week
projectlily82: you should let him buy himself a smal bag
out of the walmart money
kandravamp: gives him a reason to take a shower
projectlily82: that way he doesnt have to do it on the sly
kandravamp: a what?
projectlily82: no shit, i was starting to need a reason to
take a shower ;-)
projectlily82: a bag?
projectlily82: smoke?
kandravamp: of what?
kandravamp: he doesn't anymore?
projectlily82: i dunno, forget i said that
kandravamp: has he told you something i should know?
projectlily82: hes been craving really hardcore
projectlily82: but hasnt up and done it yet as of last time
i talked to him a few weeks ago
kandravamp: that would be a deal breaker
projectlily82: oh?
kandravamp: he'd be on his way back to fargo
projectlily82: hrmm
kandravamp: i could lose morrigan
projectlily82: *hides his face for a moment*
projectlily82: my loyalty is to you
projectlily82: if i knew anything i thought was important
i'd tell you
projectlily82: if things are better than they were, dont
use the info i gave you and crack on him for it. Its a
craving, cravings happen. He can control cravings, he has
for a long time y'know
projectlily82: afk a sec
kandravamp is idle at 2:37:20 PM.
projectlily82: back
projectlily82: hello?
projectlily82: The girl i visited was a girl i almost had a
baby with
kandravamp is no longer idle at 2:43:14 PM.
projectlily82: we used to do ecstacy together
projectlily82: she was the miserable sort, and wanted to
have a baby becuase a baby would love her back blindly
projectlily82: i got scared an ran and a few moths later
she got pregnant by another guy
projectlily82: we spent a few hours talking about
relationships
projectlily82: i sat and smoked my pot and she sat there
and got drunk
projectlily82: and we laughed at one anothers sexual
frustrations of late
projectlily82: whew
projectlily82: and the cocaine goes away
projectlily82: grandma just came down and told me that
emily and i should sit down and pray together
projectlily82: and god would help us find a solution
projectlily82: i never know if you are ever going to
answer, which is why i feel alone, its so easy to miss
talking to someone on the internet
projectlily82: lonliness and alone are not the same thing
projectlily82: fear of lonliness
projectlily82: always wondering ... are you there?
projectlily82: i'll keep talking anyway
projectlily82: i know that something has drug you away
projectlily82: and that you'll check back when you can
projectlily82: but it doesnt make me feel safe and secure
projectlily82: thusly i cant use you to break myself down
and cry
projectlily82: maybe if i was with you in person, no
definately
projectlily82: defnately if i was where you could grab
me and refuse to let go
projectlily82: i'd prolly try t pull away
projectlily82: but i wouldnt try very hard
projectlily82: its a defense mechanism
kandravamp: i'm here, i'm just distracted by the idea
that phanku has been lying to me
projectlily82: its testing your strength
projectlily82: oh hi
projectlily82: im jabbering
projectlily82: phanks has been lying?
projectlily82: whats he been lying about?
kandravamp: the projectlily82: that way he doesnt
have to do it on the sly
kandravamp: just makes me wonder
projectlily82: im sorry
projectlily82: i didnt mean that to be interpreed that he
has
projectlily82: i honestly dont know if he has
projectlily82: but when you guys were fighting he
wanted to really bad
projectlily82: and i gave him lots of shit about having a
nice bag on my desk
kandravamp: he knows how i feel about it, so he
doesn't talk about it with me anymore
projectlily82: and told him i would be more than willing
to share, but i didt know anythig about dealbreaker and
fargo
projectlily82: and thats why he doesnt talk to you about
a simple craving
projectlily82: because of the deal-breaker and fargo
projectlily82: it would get more stressful than jabbering
at me
kandravamp: yeah-he knows that if my ex ever had any
reason to believe that morrigan was exposed to that
lifestyle, he would use that to try to have her taken away
from me
projectlily82: the reason alluded to on the sly is
because my life of late has been alot of things on the sly
(emily doing things behind my back)
projectlily82: isnt your ex somewhere else?
projectlily82: like in another town?
kandravamp: yeah, but morrigan can talk really well
now and talks to him every week
projectlily82: oh
projectlily82: hrmm
kandravamp: like when we were still smoking, she
knew what a cigarette was and would get them for us
projectlily82: yeah, but would a joint on break at work
be something that morrigan would notice and mention?
im sure he would clean up and hide all the evidence... it
doesnt have to be a in the house lifestyle
kandravamp: even though i always told her not to touch
kandravamp: that would still be a deal breaker
kandravamp: random drug tests, etc
projectlily82: i dont know what all the deal was
projectlily82: for you or for him?
kandravamp: no drugs
kandravamp: period
projectlily82: well thats that
projectlily82: it was a craving, not the act itself
projectlily82: *whimper*
projectlily82: your supposed to me making me worry
less ;-)
projectlily82: now im worried for the stress in your
house
projectlily82: but i managed to not think about emily for
a few seconds
kandravamp: he's at work anyway
kandravamp: but it would explain why the first thing he
does when he gets home is take a shower
kandravamp: and brush his teeth
kandravamp: fuck
projectlily82: *sighs*
projectlily82: maybe he doesnt like smelling bad after
working?
projectlily82: maybe he just smokes cigs at work... hes
around a lot of fuckwit minimum wae people and most of
those typse smoke cigs
projectlily82: minimum wage^
projectlily82: are cigs a deal breaker?
kandravamp: no but that would suck
projectlily82: you said you guys used to smoke
kandravamp: yeah, thats why it would suck--hes been
good about quitting
projectlily82: yeah, its also harder to quit everything...so
when temptation sprung up repeatedly maybe he enjoyed
the lesser of two evils?
projectlily82: sorry, i guess that didnt help either
kandravamp: i'm gonna be afk a bit--need to focus on
getting ready for my exam
projectlily82: okies
projectlily82: send me a im when you free yourself up
projectlily82: i might go idle a bit myself later though
