It should be noted that Big Mama's House 2 was the #1 movie in America this weekend and made more money in three days than Ang Lee's movie made in its first seven weeks.



Student called a 'total tool' after asking Bush if he saw gay cowboy movie

Manhattan, Kan. - One student wants to marry him, another is calling him "a total tool." Jeremy Parker is getting a mixed reaction to his asking President Bush if he'd seen "Brokeback Mountain."

The Kansas State University Campus Forum is full of reaction. One student wrote to Parker "you're my hero." Another "thanks" Parker for "embarrassing" their school. And another student wrote "I tried to imagine a bigger waste of space than Jeremy Parker. I got nothing."

Asked his opinion of the movie "Brokeback Mountain," President Bush, after some hesitation - and laughter in the audience - says, "I haven't seen the movie."

Editor Comment: A college student just made the leader of the free world freeze up and look awkward and stupid.

It was a valid question. Considering Bush's cowboy image, and the administration's stance on gay rights, I would expect him to consider 'Bareback Mountain' nothing less than a threat to the American way of life.

To me the question sounded like it was making fun of the way Bush pretends to work on a ranch.

But I'll wager a fresh Krispy Kreme that the kid's now got a file on him.

If I had one question I could ask the President. I'd ask him something more to the point. Such as "How did a monkey like you manage to get re-elected?"

I haven't seen the movie and I do not intend to see the film no matter how many Oscars, golden globes and no matter what critical acclaim it gains.

And the award for best anal sex scene in a country western goes to...

Come on a movie about gay cowboys called "Backdoor Mountain" and you can't see the comedic potential?

I for one am uncomfortable with the graphic portrayal of male homosexuality it quite literally makes me shudder.

A "chick flick" with no chicks - Pass.



Patriots won't pay for Flutie's drop-kick ball

The Pro Football Hall of Fame called Stacey James, New England Patriots executive director of media relations seeking the ball. But because the Patriots had lined up before Flutie's kick as if it were a play from scrimmage, the net was not raised behind the goalposts, so the ball went into the stands and the waiting arms of a fan.

James later received a fax from a law office, representing Mr. X, who is in possession of the football. Then came the fan's terms and conditions

Payment of $100,000

A guarantee of eight seasons tickets for 25 years in the end zone

And a Tom Brady Patriots football jersey signed by all the team members.

The Draft family, which owns the team, chose to ignore the whole matter. As someone in the organization said, "I hope he enjoys the football".

Editor Comment: That's a very unusual play. First drop kick in many years. And it's Doug Flutie's last play in the NFL.

Any of you who think that some rich sports nut wouldn't pay big bucks for that football are not paying attention.

Weren't the Sammy Sosa, and Mark Mcgwire record breaking home run balls valued about the same, if not more?

It might not be that unreasonable, considering it's historic value.

He didn't ask for Tom Brady to tuck him in at night.

He could be charged with theft, for taking something that wasn't his. Just because it flew right to him doesn't mean he owns it.

Sounds like a ransom demand, did he ask for the 100k in unmarked bills?



Supreme Court opens door to Air Canada pay-equity investigation

Canada's top court has given the country's human rights commission the go-ahead to investigate whether flighi attendants should be paid the same as pilots and airline mechanics.

The Canadian Human Rights Acts says it is discriminatory for an employer to pay different wages to male and female employees in the same "establishment" who are performing work of equal value.

Editor Comment: I'm amazed that this is an issue - what a ridiculous load of horseshit.

Stewardess school: 3 weeks
Pilot training + flight experience necessary to drive an airliner: 15-20 years

Yeah, they should get the same money.

Show me a flight attendant who is skilled enough to pilot a 231 foot long 400K lb aircraft at 507 kt. And I'll show you someone who deserves more pay... and a different job.

Let the stewardess try and fly the plane, and then lets talk about salaries.

This is a case of an opportunistic union trying to take advantage of a law that they feel is vulnerable to legal action.

I think what they are trying to say is, that the secretary that sits at a desk next to the CEO should get paid the same.

The commission, not being dumbasses, will come to the conclusion that doling out wet-naps and keeping an airplane from crashing are not services of equal value, and will rule accordingly.

If male and female pilots, or male and female flight attendants, were being paid at different rates, then the union would have a legitimate beef. This case is just a waste of time.

I am kind of glad to see that the USA isn't the only country where silly ass debates such as this occur.



Thief takes a tumble

A 17-year-old man, accused of stealing a car stereo, was knocked off his bicycle when United Cricket Club premier three opening bowler Johnny Kawana put in his king hit.

"He squealed like a little girl when I hit him, he stopped and the bike kept going", Mr. kawana said".

Editor Comment: So, 17 is the age those smarmy crumpet sucking red coats consider themselves "men".

Nice story, but I can't condone hitting little girls. How is it that the hitter knows how little girls squeal when you hit them?

So, am I misunderstanding or is cricket a girls sport, like volleyball?



Archaeologists puzzled over object buried in Civil War cemetery

University of Georgia archaeologist have been puzzling over finding an apparent manmade object buried in a historic Civil War cemetery.

Ground-penetrating radar on parts of Myrtle Hill Cemetery, listed on the National Register of Historic Places, found a reflection that did not look like a grave during a scan of two Civil War grave sites.

Rumors have existed since the 1960s over what happened to two large cannons after the Civil War.

Editor Comment: So where's the fucking picture of the radar scan?

I can't think of anything that could be buried where a cannon foundry used to be.

The reporter failed to mention who is financing this operation.

This is a major mystery... At least until someone grabs a shovel...

I'd like to see a follow up on this when they uncover the mystery.



Sexy 'booth babes' banned at game show

The video game industry's 2006 E3Expo trade show in Los Angeles is getting a makeover - banned are the swarms of sexy, semi-clad "booth babes" that in years past took the unveiling of new games and technology to titillating new levels.

This year's show in May outlines tough new penalties, including a $5,000 fine on the spot for the booth owner if the "booth babe" is semi-clad. Mark Dolaher, E3Expo show director, said in an e-mail.

The video game industry has come under fire from federal and local politicians, who want to limit sales of violent and sexually explicit games to minors.

Editor Comment: E3 has always been about marketing games not development; this involves gimmicks and promotions, which is tits and ass, sex sells, if you want a show about game development go to IGC or GDC or join a local IGDA chapter and go to the meetings.

It seems rather ironic. We use sexy babes in advertising to sell everything in this country. Nothing wrong with it. Sports Illustrated uses them to sell magazines to people who have zero interest in sports.

This is bullshit... stealing the livelihood of these women working their way through college...

Women are exploited and treated horribly in many parts of the world. This is not an example.

If they are going to do this, they might as well get rid of all the cheerleaders for every sports team in L.A.

Thank you, liberals for taking away everything we love.

Looks like its time to move E3.



Miami-Dade officer shoots man in groin during traffic stop

According to a police news release, officers witnessed what they believed to be a firearm given by a male on the street to the driver of a Nissan Altima.

The officers stopped the vehicle and asked the men inside to keep their hands in sight.

Police said the driver copperated, but the passenger fumbled with something under the seat and then produced a shiny object they believed was a gun. The officer fired one shot, striking him in the groin.

Editor Comment: It makes no difference if it was a gun. If you reach for something, the police will assume it's a firearm. They have the right to defend themselves. It is simply too much to ask our police officers to wait until they have been shot between the eyes to return fire.

I wonder why the report did not say what they found was, or was not a gun.

Isn't it nice how the media (or the cops giving incomplete information to the media) only tells enough of the story for the cops to look like they didn't do anything wrong. I'm not saying that they are in the wrong but it seems that there is a new slogan in law enforcement: Guilty until proven innocent.

He was Hispanic. Maybe the guy didn't speak English?

When you don't know the language "keep your hands where I can see them!" and "show me some ID," sound a lot alike.

I don't care what language you speak, when there's a guy with a badge pointing his pistol at your balls, then its common sense not to make any moves.

If you are going to live in country, it should be required that you know how to speak the official language. You should not have access to government services until you learn to do so. How the hell can you obey the laws if you don't understand them?



Upper Chi man in custody after alleged kidnap/rape

A man wanted for the kidnapping and rape of his estranged girlfriend is behind bars after surrendering to police Monday. Gregory Thomas, 47, allegedly professed his love for the victim and asked her to marry him after authorities say he raped her at his Willowbrook apartment.

Editor Comment: Some women like getting hit. Who am I to judge?

Step 1: Kidnap her
Step 2: Rape her
Step 3: Propose to her

How else am I supposed to show her I love her?

1) I'm sorry baby. I only hit you cause I love you.
2) Look what you made me do, baby.
3) That's the last time, I swear it, baby.

That's what I did wrong. I asked my ex to marry me while assaulting her.

If you love him enough, ladies, he'll change. You can make a better man of him. His mother failed him. He's obviously misunderstood and just needs the support of a good (punching bag) woman.

Where this guy's going, I'm sure he'll find the love he so much desires.



Off-duty police officer drop purse in Dairy Queen, blows hole in purse

"I ain't got no gun," was the only thing the stranger told the crowd in the restaurant before gathering her purse and teenage daughter from a nearby booth and running out of the place.

St. Louis County police tracked down the city officer, who they said first denied even being at the restaurant. Then she told police that she had fled because she thought she was under fire. Finally she confessed to the accident.

Editor Comment: When the investigators asked her is she wasn't there why did she have ice cream all over her face.

And to think this woman was supposed to be protecting and serving the public...

No one has mentioned the fact that she's carrying something that could discharge when dropped. That makes it single action, which has pretty much gone the way of the dinosaur. Also against policy to carry, and probably a throwdown.

"Looking for the weapon; they never found it". Of course they found it. And kept it. That's the biggest favor they could do her - not turn the gun she bought illegally, and without notifying the department. That would have been a felony.

Glad to hear she resigned; however, I think New Orleans PD will be giving her a call shortly.

The Saint Louis Police Department. "We're not competent, but we are diverse."



TV logos make their mark

The logos used by Channel 7 and Channel 9 during long days of sporting action are burning themselves into the delicate digital monitors.

With the hi-tech TVs costing thousands of dollars some owners have threatened legal action saying their screens have been ruined.

Editor Comment: The FCC only requires a station to identify itself at the top of the hour. It used to be that stations would "remind" viewers every quarter-hour, because that's how programs are segmented. Now the networks leave it up all the damn time... just to be sure.

The logo "bugs" in the screen corners are not especially there to prevent piracy, more as a ploy by the networks to clearly ID the channel to people surfing by.

It's the handful of people who are Nielsen families that are screwing it up for the rest of us. They are the only ones that the stations and networks are targeting and put the bug on the screen for - in case they're too stupid to know what channel they're watching at the moment. The rest of us suffer for it.

Networks are getting more and more irritating with their bugs. Advertising in general is absolutely out of control.

Watching football, the info panel is taking up a ton of screen real estate nowadays. Pretty soon it will be all info, with a tiny PIP showing the game.

Networks need to respect the ownership of the customer's television. Hey flash the loge for 20 seconds every ten minutes. I KNOW what channel I'm on.

And for the record, warranties generally only cover actual defects in product or workmanship. Burn-in caused by outside influences (incompetence on the part of TV stations/networks, combined with that of the owner of the set), and so wouldn't be covered.

Anyone who drops $3000 on a TV without bothering to do a little research beforehand deserves what they get.

I hope they do sue and start a precedent, opening the way for other suits.



Five men charged after police use craigslist in sex-for-hire sting

The men allegedly consulted craigslist, the popular online site, to find sex for a fee. Instead, they allegedly encountered a female state trooper posing as a prostitute.

Editor Comment: Milford police Lieutenant James Falvey said that after noticing a section of craiglist labeled "Erotic" apparently included women advertising sex for hire in Milford, he ordered his detectives to post an ad. What the hell was a cop doing browsing the personals section of craiglist while at work? Seems like the crime started with the fucking cops here.

Are cops allowed to advertise something illegal in the hopes of snaring potential criminals? Hey man, that's false advertisement.

There's not enough real crime out there that our government needs to make it up in order to catch people. Shouldn't they be out beating up colored people and stealing money from the wallets of accident victims? Isn't that what we are paying them for.

Nice to know the police have solved all murders, rapes, and robberies so they have time to waste on shit like this.

How is it beneficial to a single person on the entire fucking planet to arrest guys for trying to get laid with someone who offers it up?

When will Americans finally realize they are living in a police state, and start to do something to end all the stupidity?



20 ton dead whale left on the steps of Japanese embassy

A 55ft finback found by fisherman in Wismar, Germany

Green campaigners dumped the body on the steps of Japan's embassy in Berlin to protest at the country's plans to slaughter 1,000 whales for research.

Activist Stefanie Werner said: 'If they need a dead whale, they can have this."

Editor Comment: Time to add PETA and maybe even GreenPeace to the state department terrorist organizations list.

If they need dead whales they can have:

John Candy
Chris Farley
Rosie O' Donnel, not dead but a whale

The Japanese deserve it. That 'research' crap isn't fooling anyone.

What exactly does "research purposes" mean?

For the Japanese, it means answering the question, "What does whale meat taste like?"

The whole whale issue is ridiculous. Chock-full of lies and misrepresentation on both sides.



Fireman Sam in hot water

Fire Chiefs are blazing mad with kids' hero Fireman Sam for chucking water at an electrical fire.

Sam is seen throwing water from a hot water bottle at a blazing electric blanket.

Editor Comment: Why are we even teaching small children how to put out electrical flires? Shouldn't they just get the fuck out of there?

"The BBC insisted Sam followed the correct procedure by telling pal Elvis to turn off the power before tackling the fire".

So now we're teaching kids to access electrical panels and disconnect power? Nice one Fireman Sam...

Unplug and douse in water, what's wrong with that? What would the alternative be (if you lacked a fire extinguisher)? Watch it burn?



Princeton 'witch' disputes her firing

A Princeton woman says she is literally the victim of a modern-day 'witch hunt'.

Julie Carpenter says she was fired from her job as a school bus driver and her neighbors are requesting her eviction because of her religious beliefs as a self-proclaimed 'witch'. Carpenter is the wife of Jonathon Sharkey, a 'vampire' who is campaigning for governor.

Editor Comment: BURN HER AT THE STAKE!

This is exactly why I never told my boss that I worship Satan.

What are you from 18th century England? A fucking witch? You can't be serious. Wiccans are pretty much the nerds you went to high school with.

"... If we feel somebody is not what we want them to be with children... "
WANTED: White, Protestant female bus driver. Must have firm understanding of biblical teachings.

So much for religious freedom...

They should have fired her just because she is so ugly. What kind of role model could an ugly person ever hope to be?

"I can't sleep, my appetite's gone, says Carpenter. I haven't eaten in a couple of days". If she keeps that up for a month she could be hot.



Roddick - Sharapova rumors swirl down under

here's a buzz coming out of the Australian open that two of tennis superstars, who also happen to be two of the sport's top head-turners, might be a couple.

Editor Comment: So when will the video be released? I'm done with Pamela and Paris. Bring on Maria.

Sharapova is the only tennis player I know who starts screaming well before she actually hits the ball.

I would love a chance to get my balls into her court...



Stolen sport car found after three decades

A corvette stolen when it was brand new in New York 37 years ago has been recovered in California and will be returned to its rightful owner.

The 1968 car, which vanished from a garage in the borough of Queens on January 22, 1969, was identified as stolen as it was being loaded on a container ship of Sweden, a US Department of Homeland Security spokesperson said.

Editor Comment: Finding stolen corvettes is not especially useful against insurgency.

Pretty cool story, saw it on ABC news. It actually showed the police doing real police work.

"Detectives in New York were contacted and spent a month sifting through about 10,000 archived stolen car reports to find the original owner". They never show that part of the job on "Law and Order". Usually if it's not at the bottom of a Krispy Kreme box they don't bother.

They guy said he wants to restore it and then give it to his teenage daughter, who will crash it in one week.

God I hate idiots that have good things happen to them



Teen cited for mooning city restaurant patrons

A 16-year-old Bethlehem boy exposed his bottom to diners at a restaurant.

The teen was cited for disorderly conduct and released.

Editor Comment: Seeing as to how it's a boy, scratch the "useless without pictures" part please

The kid's lucky. That little stunt nowadays not only gets you an 'indecent exposure' charge, if convicted, your ass is on the sexual offenders list in your state.

Michael Jackson unavailable for comment.



Russians spend millions to pull pranks on friends

Wealthy Russians, looking for new ways to amuse themselves have started a growing trend. They are paying huge sums to have elaborate practical jokes played on friend. And they don't hesitate to use the police or pay a company to set up the hoaxes.

Editor Comment: They have tons of cash in Russia? God damned capitalists.

Anyone notice the Russian Police can be bribed to take part in pranks?

"After a while the host vanishes, the phone lines are cut and the guest are locked in. For an extra fee, an actor posing as an axe-wielding maniac can break in". This one sounds like a disaster waiting to happen if one of the guests happens to be armed.

One of the best pranks I've ever seen. Some guys have their friend hypnotized while playing a zombie shooter video game , then have him moved and woken up in a room with actors playing zombies. Oh, and they give him a "gun".



British prisoner changes sex but then changes mind

A British prisoner who transferred from a men's jail to a women's facility after changing sex has opted to swap gender - and prisons - again.

Editor Comment: The fact that he/she can't make up its mind means it really is a "she".

So, now he'll be the only one in the men's prison with a pair of artificial hormonally-enhanced breasts?

The desire for a sex-change is not healthy. It is a sign of serious mental health problems



Response to the Chuck Norris "Random Facts" being generated on the Internet

I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have begun to appear on the Internet as "Chuck Norris facts."

"Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to see out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book.

Editor Comment: "Who knows , maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" Very smooth Chuck, very smooth.

Here are some of my favorites:

Chuck Norris has been dead for years. Death is afraid to come get him.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

No one knows the true power of Chuck - anyone trying to calculate it has died.

The words "Chuck Norris" and "Fail" cannot exist in the same sentence.



Hide-and-seek dad spun out

Man gets stuck in washing machine while playing hide-and-go seek with his kids.

Editor Comment: What the fuck? Is he fully nude or just partially? Why is he playing "hide and seek" with his kids in the nude?

The kids should have turned it on.

I'll bet he's sitting on the spin cycle.

What happened to simply hiding in a closet or behind the couch? Listen, you are just hiding from a kid, genius! You're not Al-Qaeda hiding from Bush.



Pink marries motocross racer Carey Hart

Singer Pink and motocross racer Carey Hart tied the knot in Costa Rica on Saturday

Editor Comment: As God as my witness, I thought Pink was a man.

So now she's Pink Hart?

Has Pink ever had another hit since that first annoying one?

Like throwing a hotdog down a hallway.

I'll just stick to drooling over Elizabeth Hurley.



No bids for Love Home at foreclosure sale

Olympia, Wash. - Courtney Love lost the historic bungalow she bought in the late 1990s to a Los Angeles mortgage company after a foreclosure auction generated no bids.

Love, widow of Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain, bought the property in 1997 for Cobains family. The debt on the house totaled $386,000.

Editor Comment: Burn it!

It would probably cost more than the house is worth just to get it fumigated.

Shank doesn't come off. That's why no one bid.

I love it when that heroin-soaked skank has a bad day. I can't wait until Child Services finally comes to their fucking senses and takes her kid away from her thereby guaranteeing the kid a shot at a better life.

Who would want to live in Olympia, anyway?



14 tips to follow when having an affair

Blog: I'm a European living in Tokyo, and I'm married to a Japanese woman. I don't know what's wrong with me but I just can't help fooling around with other women.

Editor Comment: Should change the headline to 14 ways to disrespect your wife.

This is a pretty funny piece of fiction.

"I would never want to hurt her". Then quit screwing other women behind her back, you jackass!

I hate people who take more than one woman. Leaves less for the rest of us.

"I never use a condom". Props to him when he gives his wife AIDS.

"The smell of latex or rubber can be traced, and also the rubbers are difficult to hide". He keeps everything else in a coin locker or his office, why not them?

Jesus, why is this guy married? If he has to lie and constantly deceive the one person in the world he is supposed to truly love, clearly he is seriously fucked up.

Cheating on your wife is just wrong. You've made vows to one another to stay faithful and loyal.

I'm amazed at how submissive and dumb his wife appears to be.



Celebutante Paris Hilton faces slander and harassment suits

Court hearings are scheduled this month in two separate lawsuits against the 24-year-old celebutante-turned model.

The first pits the hotel heiress-actress against diamond heiress-actress Zeta Graff, who claims Hilton spewed "vicious lies" printed in a New York Post story.

A hearing is also scheduled in a second lawsuit against Hilton.

Event promoter Brian Quintana, who says he had a "business-social relationship" with Hilton, alleges that she repeatedly harassed and badmouthed him in the news media.

Editor Comment: Nobody gives a shit about Paris Hilton.

Paris Hilton is a dirty, dirty, dirty whore. But you'd bet fuckers would line up just to get a chance to hit it.

I cannot tell you how much Paris Hilton pisses me off.

She has so much money and notoriety, she could achieve anything - she could travel the world, see things you and I will never see. She could become anything she wanted, no matter how far fetched or impractical for the rest of us.

The world is her oyster.

And what is she? White trash in expensive clothes.



Is wedding off for Cruise and Holmes?

The buzz is that the engagement of the happy couple has hit a few bump and, after reportedly tense holidays spent at Holmes' house, wedding plans may have been put on hold.

With a New Year beginning, Cruise "decided to take the opportunity to mend fences with the family of his fiance, Katie Holmes," according to the upcoming issue of Life & Style Weekly. It didn't go so well.

Editor Comment: So Katie's ultra-Catholic family is having problems with her cultist fiance.

There have been previous reports that Holmes lawyer father is not thrilled with the prospects of the two getting hitched.

Would you want your daughter marrying a maniacally insane Scientologist who is most likely gay, but managed to impregnate your daughter by fantasizing about Tom Selleck in ass-less chaps?

No problem. Tom just needs to offer Katie's father more money and get him to sign the non-disclosure agreement.

If I were her father, I'd have thrown him in the oven with the Christmas turkey.

Seriously, I'm sure it's in the pre-nup that if Katie calls off the wedding, Tom wins custody of their little publicity stunt.



Tweens buying 'Secret' lingerie

Eleven-year-olds now buying Victoria's Secret lingerie.

Editor Comment: Eleven year olds aren't buying anything... their dumbass parents are.

Who are these mothers that are content to subsidize their daughters transformation into little whores.

Let me be the first to say... that's hot.

The latest fad is dressing like a tramp. Thanks to reality TV, pop-tart role models like Paris Hilton and the rest of those scrawny hoes, young girls these days are finding it increasingly necessary to dress like sluts.



J. Lo's 'Carmen' movie to be dumped

A planned Jennifer Lopez version of the classic tale Carmen is reportedly being canned - because Hollywood investors don't want to see the actress/singer die at the end of the film.

Editor Comment: J-Ho is nothing but a no-talent ho with a huge ass!

I think the only one who doesn't want to see her die right now is Marc Anthony.

I think most people would be smiling as they watched her die. I would hate to see her butcher a role like Carmen. I am sure the studio executives feel the same way.

Looks like J-Lo's career is finally nearing its end. Now she's going to have to get by on talent instead of ass!



Sound of moans led rescuers to surviving miner

Tallmansville, West Virginia - Rescuers found the sole survivor of an explosion that trapped 13 miners in a West Virginia coal mine "by the sound of moans,' mining officials said Wednesday, about 12 hours after family members learned the initial report that their loved ones were alive was erroneous.

Editor Comment: The reason the "media" reported that 12 miners were found alive, is because the mining company made that announcement... how much more verification do you need. News outlets were only reporting what they were told. The mining company can be faulted for letting the false hope go on for so long.

Although I am saddened to hear that only one has survived the ordeal, I am still wondering why this has made national news, this is no more tragic then the thousands of people that die everyday. Why should we care any more about these guys?

These guys knew what they were getting into. These are not new occurrences. I tip my hat for the miners for their diligence and accepting such a job. I also hope their families don't get left out in the cold by the company...

Of course, those 12 guys who died could have just walked the fuck out - that is the real irony - there was no blockage, no trauma. They just sat there like stupid cowards and suffocated.



Roth says Van Halen reunion 'inevitable'

Reuniting the original Van Halen lineup is just a matter of time, according to former vocalist David Lee Roth.

Editor Comment: It's not going to happen. Eddie hates Dave, and he isn't even commenting on the statement. The time to do this was more than 10 years ago.

I'd rather see a Guns n Roses reunion. Dave is just kinda sad and old now.

Dave would be better off getting back with Van Halen. I listened to him this morning on the radio he was terrible. Dave is the first person in music history that should quit his day job. Probably the worst morning show I ever heard. Someone is just trying to get people to listen to his awful show.

Anything that could help Dave off of talk radio can only be a good thing.



Replacement Spokane mayor sworn in, vows to move city past West scandal

Dennis Hession was sworn in as mayor on Tuesday, replacing former Mayor Jim West, who was recalled last month after a City Hall sex scandal.

West, was recalled from office seven months after The Spokesman-Review newspaper began publishing a series of articles alleging that he had used his office for personal benefit by soliciting dates from young men.

The newspaper accused West of trolling gay Internet chat rooms for dates and offered city jobs and perks to young men in expectation of sex.

Editor Comment: He was a self-loathing homosexual who couldn't keep his behavior out of his office life, but his real crime in the eyes of the people was being gay.

West is a typical conservative closet queer, an exemplary Republican. The Spokanites are so afraid of tolerance; they have to get this guy out quick before he does something crazy like accept his gayness. The city council is busy creating laws that will forbid Mayor West's activities. I wonder if they will make those laws retroactive?

He shouldn't have been trolling for ass at work, but if it was at hotsnach.com it would have been a different story.



Man shoots two Mormons going door to door

A Mormon missionary going door to door was fatally shot Monday night and a fellow missionary was wounded by an assailant who fled.

Editor Comment: I've often wondered how many Mormons get shot while doing their work.

Police described the gunman as a black male about 5 feet 10 inches. They said he was wearing a black hooded sweatshirt and denim jeans... Isn't this the way all black males dress.?

Two Jehovah's Witnesses came to my house one day. An old guy in his 50's and a young girl in her early 20's. It was raining and I have no front porch or covering above my door. They asked if they could come in and talk. I said to the old guy, "the girl can come in but you have to wait outside." They politely declined and for some reason I've never been visited by them again.

If we treated gays like we treat Mormons we would be guilty of hate crimes. If gays went door to door trying to convert people, there would be hate crimes, lots of 'em.

The key here is to convince them to never come back. Check out the below methods of repelling Mormons.

Method #1 They show up at the door and you day "no thanks." Results: they come back.

Method #2 They show up at the door. You open the door buck naked using your penis and ballsack to slowly stir a bowl of lukewarm grits and say "no thanks." Results they don't com back. Ever.



Swingers unnerve families at hotel

Soccer families and swingers do not mix. Especially when the parents of adolescent soccer players checked their daughters into a hotel that was hosting a New Year's Eve party for more than 200 self-described swingers.

Parents who traveled who traveled from South Carolina and Clearwater to bring their 11 to 13 year old daughters to a soccer tournament said they were shocked by the parade of sexually adventurous partygoers.

Editor Comment: How come all my stays in a hotel are boring?

This is terrible. As a 15-year-old boy, I would have been very upset by the sight of women parading around in thongs and see-through dresses with nothing underneath.

"We're not prudes by any means"... Why do prudes always insist upon saying this?

Next time rent an entire hotel to yourselves. That way you won't have to deal with the rest of the human race. I'm sure the swingers weren't all too happy to see kids running around the hotel, but did they complain?

Have you ever seen swingers in real life? They look like the cast of desperate housewives (minus the cute one) only even uglier.

Welcome to the world, children. The world is filled with tits and ass. Don't be afraid, you'll get used to it.



Ex - D.C. Mayor Barry Unharmed in Robbery

Washington - Former District Columbia Mayor Marion Barry was robbed at gunpoint by some youths who had helped him carry his groceries.

Editor Comment: Anacostia... the mailman doesn't even go there. They have to drive to get their mail. South East is also the drug quadrant... more dangerous than Iraq.

Robbed... "My dime bag was short".

Funny article. Marion Barry goes on crack binge, loses wallet, cooks up robbery story. Whatever anyone could steal from that douche bag with a gun would absolutely pale in comparison to what he has stolen with a pen!

Funny article. Let's move on to how he was a crackhead by his 3rd term and didn't pay income taxes.

Obviously another conspiracy by "The Man" to keep him out of office.

Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.



Library board shelves kid's unruly behavior

The West Bloomfield Township Public Library is getting double the complaints it normally receives concerning disruptive children, and now officials want to send a message that the problem won't be tolerated.

Editor Comment: There are libraries in Detroit?

Now watch all the low brainpower soccer moms have a fit.

"We have found that oftentimes children ages 11 to 15 - those unable to drive - are being dropped off for many, many hours..." 11 to 15 year-olds hanging around the library? Shouldn't they be out shoplifting, drinking, smoking dope, and generally contributing to the decline of Western Civilization?

It's only a matter of time before they start burning cars.

All the libraries need to do is implement a policy wherein all children left without supervision from an adult will be assumed to have been abandoned, and turned over to child protective services. Immediately. Problem solved.

Another option, simply fit each child with a shock collar when they enter the library. When misbehavior occurs, apply a shock.



13 miners trapped in WV following explosion

Tallmansville W. Va. - A coal mine explosion that may have been sparked by lightning trapped 13 miners 260 feet below ground Monday. The condition of the miners was not immediately known.

The first of eight search-and-rescue teams entered the Sago Mine, more than 11 hours after the blast trapped the miners

Editor Comment: I read that as a mining crew was stuck in W. Va. after something exploded. As in trapped in West Virginia. Now I know it's about a mine, but the beginning of this made me think, "Wow... I know West Virginia is bad, but I didn't realize it was newsworthy to be trapped there." Sure as hell wouldn't want to be stuck in West Virginia, below the surface or not.

I'll bet they stopped working, too. People have no work ethics these days.

All jokes aside, I wonder if these guys are getting paid while they're trapped. I mean, they're technically still on the job. That would suck if, the moment management realizes these guys are trapped; someone goes to the time clock and punches all of them out.

$48K per year (before taxes) and union dues to work a mile underground, deal with the constant risk of explosion/collapse, and breath in coal dust? Doesn't sound like that great of a deal to me... It is as safe as OSHA can possibly make it, but it is not without risk.

Great news to kick off the new year.



Protester sour over milk fight with Waffle House

Bart Hoard's desire for a little milk has spilled over into a five-year dispute with a Waffle House restaurant, that began when he asked for some milk to put in his coffee. He was told that if he wanted milk he would have to pay for a full glass.

Editor Comment: You know, there are like a hundred songs written about the waffle house. I see another one brewing here.

Everything in Waffle House has that lingering greasy feeling - the menus, the seats, the tables, the waitresses... sorry, strike that.

You know I've seen guys who hang out in the Waffle House for hours drinking coffee. They aren't making any money off those guys. Imagine if they wanted milk with it. They'd by using cartons. Besides when a carton of milk costs as much as the coffee, why give it away free?

This all could have been avoided if he had flirted with the toothless waitress, it always works for me. Okay, it never works for me; it probably works for some guys.

I try to limit the dumbshit appliances that clutter the kitchen but lately I've been craving that waffle iron. Mmm... Fresh waffles topped with another waffle. With a glass of fresh-squeezed waffle juice.



Fined for asking cop directions

A lone woman driver who got lost on a motorway was fined for stopping on the hard shoulder to ask a traffic cop directions.

Editor Comment: There isn't a man alive who would ever be in danger of getting this particular fine.

"I was a real damsel in distress". Many women love to play the victim, or to always have that as an "out". And then they complain about perceived inequality...

The laws should really only be enforced when you personally feel that it's warranted. And then, only against people who aren't you.

The guy was probably either half-asleep (or jerking off) or she interrupted him while he was talking dirty to a box of donuts and was startled by the lady.

Hey! She should look on the bright side. At least she didn't get shot, tasered, maced or beat down.



Couple discovers hidden second floor of building

A couple bought an old office building last summer after discovering that a stairway passage to the second floor had been removed and the structure's second story had been sealed off from the world for some 70 years.

Although most of the hidden floor's furnishings had been removed before it was sealed off, the room still offered a time capsule to the world of the 1930s.

Editor Comment: Great, now they've released the evil that was sealed away there 70 years ago.

Am I alone in thinking that this has H.P. Lovecraft written all over it?

Would've been nice if the article went into some detail about how an entire floor went unnoticed for 70 years, how these people found it, or why the floor was sealed off? Perhaps a grisly murder took place up there.

I don't think it took an architect to figure out there might be a second floor.

70 years and no one asked "what's up there in them thar windows". I'm amazed.

I find it more amazing that the owner didn't look at the tax assessment and wonder why he had half of the square footage that was listed.

I can understand a hidden room or closet. Hell, I'll even buy a hidden basement. But a fucking upper floor! There's alcohol involved here somewhere.



Pink's dressy marriage

Pink has revealed she will wear a dress at her wedding to fiance Corey Hart - despite her tomboy image. "I'm going to be a girl, and I'm going to wear a dress!"

Editor Comment: Two questions. First: Why should I care about this? Second, and perhaps more importantly: Why should anyone care about this? Seriously.

I was just about to cosign Pink to the "where are they now?" pile and this story appears...

Real women are confident in their femininity. Only insecure morons who have been spoon fed ridiculous notions have hang-ups about appearing female. You can bet that very few men want a woman who thinks she is a man with a vagina.

Fancied up skank is still skank.