Leave the History Channel Alone!



Selig shows no sign of thaw in Rose's final year of eligibility

The Hall of Fame's doors will remain shut to Pete Rose, who won't appear on the baseball writers ballot in his final year of eligibility. Rose, who last year, admitted he did bet on the Cincinnati Red while managing the team in the late 1980s. Rose, baseball's career hits leader, agreed to a lifetime ban in 1989 following an investigation of his gambling.

Editor Comment: Pete was one of the early players to think he was above the game. Rose thought the 'no gambling' rules didn't apply to him, and the fact that they did still hasn't sunk in. Arrogant bastard.

It's tough the hammer fell on Pete; maybe another person was more deserving of being the sacrificial lamb. Then again, the higher the profile of the athlete who gets busted... the firmer the message to everyone. In that sense, Pete should be proud of his sacrifice. He took a bullet to keep all spectator sports legitimate. We should be thankful for that.

Baseball was almost destroyed after the 1919 Black Sox scandal because of the perception that the players weren't trying to win, and they are not going to let that happen again. Officials refusing to budge on this issue keeps sports legitimate. And ultimately it's that legitimate, unpredictable competition that keeps sports worth watching. The last thing I want to see is professional sports become another scripted 'reality show.

Rose voluntarily agreed to be banned for life from baseball. Being banned from baseball included being banned from eligibility for the Hall of Fame. He has no one to blame for his ineligibility but himself and needs to learn to live with the consequences of his choice.

Given the way that Rose has handled himself I have no sympathy for him whatsoever. He�s bad mouthed the commissioner's office for 15 years only to admit it for the sole purpose of selling a book. And then moving the book's publication date up to coincide with the Hall of Fame induction for other players was a classless act. He did wrong. And he was stupid to wait so long to admit it. His credibility is zero. Had he come out and admitted what he did and put forth a legitimate effort to change his life I might argue the other way.

Here's the simple facts for you - Rose did something he knew was against the rules, got caught, and instead of accepting the "indictment" from MLB and having all his dirty laundry aired, he accepted a lifetime ban. Baseball never officially found anything with regard to his gambling. Sure, Bart stated his opinion, but Bart's opinions weren't covered by the deal. The agreement was that MLB would stop investigation and never issue an official finding, and MLB did stop investigating and never issued an official finding.

For those of you screaming about this "being a Hall of Fame not a Hall of Morality" - you're right. That's why players like Perry, Cobb, and Ruth are in there. None of them did anything to challenge the integrity of the game - their behavior was reprehensible, but they never bet on the game. Rose did.

Wanna feel sorry for a guy who's not gunna get into the Hall? Go with Bo Jackson who was cut down by injury in another sport, or Den Griffey Jr. who just can't stay healthy. Save your pity for someone who isn't a jerk. Rose is a jackass, and always has been. That, however, is not enough to keep him from the Hall of Fame. What he did is.

Pete Rose doesn't belong in baseball's Hall of Fame anymore than Benedict Arnold deserves a statue as West Point. Well, Pete still has a good chance of making it into the Asshole Hall of Fame.

One more time, for those who haven't caught the underlying problem yet:

And any other argument for Rose going into the Hall of Fame will have the same problem: this is not about Rose's gambling, nor is it about his on-field accomplishments. This is about the plain and simple fact that Pete Rose voluntarily agreed to a lifetime ban from baseball. Nothing at this point can change that fact. Not rationalizing, not trying to draw analogies to other players, not sympathy, not anything. Banned is banned, and he chose to be banned. End of case, end of career, end of eligibility for the Hall of Fame, period.



Texas sues Sony BMG for spyware violations

Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott filed a civil lawsuit on Monday against Sony BMG Music Entertainment for including "spyware" software on its media player designed to thwart music copying.

Editor Comment: The only intelligent legal decision to come out of Texas. EVER!

Has anyone else noticed how Texas got smarter since the village idiot got a new job?

The Texas spyware law allows the state to recover damages of up to $100,000 in damages for each violation. Abbott said there were thousands of violations.

I still can't get over Sony's colossal stupidity here... what better way to entice people back to buying CDs than by making them completely suspicious your product will install spyware? Record companies continue to antagonize (ex) customers and treat them like enemies. Sony BMG secretly installs a rootkit on your computer to protect its own IP rights. Sony's BMG rootkit actually uses code that nearly got "DVD" Jon Johansen jailed for writing, and steals that code, by blatantly infringing its GPL license terms. Making Sony an IP infringer. Not only that, but their rootkit "uninstaller" has some security holes in it, and they had to pull it. On top of all of the harm they caused, the "copy protection" software that they used is easily circumvented with a small piece of tape or a marker. I despise Sony more than I do any other corporation. I would love to see them in bankruptcy. Sadly, I don't see this happening.

On the other hand, people who knowingly infect their computers with Celine Dion music deserve to have their security compromised



President proclaims National Day of Thanksgiving

Presidents traditionally so designate the fourth Thursday of each November. By statute, Thanksgiving Day is a federal legal holiday.

Editor Comment: If Bush is thankful for anything, it should be for a Republican majority in Congress, or his ass would be Nixonized by now.

I'm sure his actual amount of time spent on this was, "Here you go Mr. President, please sign the traditional Thanksgiving proclamation."

I wish I could bring a fake plastic turkey to everyone on earth! Except the evil-doers... and the revisionists! That picture is hilarious when you realize that the turkey he's holding is as fake as the smiles on those soldiers faces, the entire event was completely staged as a photo-op to make him look like someone "in touch" with the troops. Glad he's been making good on his promise to restore integrity to the White House.

The lower our expectations are; the better a President Bush seems to be.



Coupon misprints could cost casino millions

Harrah's Casino said there was a mistake in about 11,000 coupons mailed to customers last week. Instead of being worth $15 or $20 apiece, each had a face value of $525 in cash.

Editor Comment: I don't have any problem with making money off of the mistakes of an organization who make their money operating games that are clearly balanced against the player.

Some of you out there are saying "I hate it when people try to take advantage of an honest mistake. So what if it's a big company who makes millions".

Imagine sitting at a blackjack table in Harrah's and miscounting a 16 as a 17... you order a hit on the card and bust... now do you think Harrah's will give you your bet back because it's an "honest mistake?" No.

How about playing Video Poker, and being dealt a Royal flush, and missing one of the buttons before hitting "Draw", thus throwing away a 4000 - coin hit? Think Harrah's is going to give you your money anyway? (Hint: on every machine it says, "It is the player's responsibility to ensure that all cards are held prior to drawing.) Honest mistake, right?

Oh, and how about when Grandma sits down at a slot machine and puts in a $100 bill, thinking its a $0.25 machine, when it's actually a $25 machine... and $75 is gone in one button push? Yah, I think Harrah's is gonna give that back, too.

If it were any other company, I'd say, sure. But a casino? Fuck them. You go in there, you take advantage of everything they throw at you - because they will take advantage of you.

What's the big deal? Most of the people cashing those coupons are going to play it back to the casino anyway.



Drunk passenger 'tried to leave plane'

A drunken French tourist with a fear of flying tried to open an Australia-bound jet passenger door in mid-flight to have a cigarette.

Editor Comment: Some folk's surrender to their addiction.

I've come to the conclusion that all boarding passengers - especially children and drunken French tourists - should be stripped naked at the security gate, draped in a simple hospital-style gown, have a ball-gag stuffed in their excited mouths and be shackled to their seats for the duration of the flight.

You wouldn't really need to whack this broad; there is no physical way for her to open the door at 36,000 feet. There's a mechanism to prevent you from opening it while the plane is in motion. It's called a "cooper vane" and it was invented following the D.B. Cooper incident.

Still... people are stupid, generally speaking.



Pottstown crossing guards given authority to write parking tickets

The Borough Council approved an ordinance, drawn up at the school district's request, which will give crossing guards the right to write parking tickets because of continuing problems with cars being improperly parked when student are dropped off and picked up.

Editor Comment: How many of these crossing guards will be willing to spend a day in court to testify for the government when they take the tickets to court?

Somehow I read 'Pottstown, Pennsylvania' as Pottsylvania.

If you want to visit a few down on their luck towns, try:

Palmerton
Leighton
Manahoy (stunningly depressed)
Frackville
Shamokin

It's like taking a road trip into despair.



Tulare teacher to spend one year in jail for sex with students

A former high school teacher convicted of having sex with three male students will spend a year in county jail after a judge suspended her prison sentence.

Editor Comment: This teacher taught at Tulare Western High School. For those of you not from Visalia or Tulare, this is a redneck high school. Poor teacher probably got some disease from them. And now gets to register as a sex offender. Talk about a double whammy.

Complete double standard. If this judge had given a man who did this a suspended prison term and one-year in county, every women and children's rights advocate group in the country would be filing petitions for his ouster.

Makes no difference to me whether it's male or female teachers, same crime, and same punishment underage males are not more capable of giving consent than underage females.

It's sexist to treat people differently due to gender.

What's happening to this world... *sigh*



Supreme Court rules First Amendment does not apply to legal profession

The Florida Supreme Court has unanimously pronounced pit bulls to be very bad dogs. Much too bad, to symbolize a lawyer's services.

Editor Comment: This is the same Florida Supreme Court that ruled AL Gore should be president.

So will this help them get "1-800 ASK GARY" and "1-800 ASK KOBY" off the air? Koby don' play 'dat! Good lord I hate that shit. The cancer and hugely inflated class action lawsuit advertisements are bad enough, but a cheaply produced ad for an ambulance chaser targeted directly at poor black people is low, even for lawyers.

Look, all they have to do is replace the pitbull with a shark or snake and it should sail by the court.



Semi-naked models drive UK motorists to distraction

Almost a quarter of British motorists admit they have been so distracted by roadside billboards of semi-naked models that they have dangerously veered out of their lane. More

Editor Comment: And about 4 in 5 of those 'attractive' girls have absolutely no business being scantily clad. No wonder they swerve.

This just in: the sight of scantily clad women can serve as an extreme distraction to heterosexual males.

Hell, I've been known to veer out of my lane at the sight of fully clad attractive women. Heck, one time I plowed through a farmer's market when I saw some girl jogging. Jail was no fun, let me tell you.

Women make men stupid. That's why feminists think we are.

A few years ago the Sun did a scientific test by standing a hot bikini model by the road to see if any drivers were distracted. Yes. Yes, they were.



Pink shocks restaurant diners

Pop punk Pink shocked a packed restaurant in Beverly Hill by repeatedly calling out "Fucker" the name of her dog.

Editor Comment: Wait. Is Pink still a celebrity?

Didn't her 15 minutes end in 2000? WTF is she still doing getting any publicity?

Nobody wonders why she had a dog in a restaurant let alone one wandering around in a restaurant? I guess when your a "star" you can violate minor laws and get away with it.

She's one class act. Pink and Courtney Love should get together.

You can take the girl out of the trailer, but you can't take the trailer out of the girl.

She's the girl you'd screw in the back seat, but never take home to meet the parents.



Oral sex can lead to cancer of the mouth, say scientists

Mouth cancer can be caused by a virus contracted during oral sex. People who catch a high-risk variety of the human papioooma virus, HPV, at that time are more susceptible to falling ill with mouth cancer. More

Editor Comment: Wives everywhere rejoice as another excuse is found.

So cancer is now officially an STD? According to some this is the same virus that can cause ass cancer.

You can get oral gonorrhea, too, from sucking infected dick.

I'd imagine you would have to suck a lot of dick in order to get cancer of the mouth.

Well ladies, there went your orgasm. You had a good run.

The article is kind of skewed. Oral sex does NOT cause cancer. It's the STD that may be contracted from oral sex.

The point is: don't have any kind of unsafe sex with someone who has HPV if you are that worried about cancer.



Online dating gets slapped... with suits

Match.com is accused of sending out bogus romantic e-mail, Yahoo many have posted made up profiles. Some frustrated online daters say they were victims of fraud by two top Internet matchmaking services.

Editor Comment: A friend of mine tried Yahoo dating. In the trial service all these women would be interested in him, so he signed up, and suddenly all the emails expressing interest went away.

You will always have new messages waiting for you soon after you let your membership expire, but you will no longer be able to read them. You will be haunted by a nagging curiosity to read these emails. You will imagine that the girl with the really hot profile finally responded. You will be tempted to shell out for another month. You will shell out. And when you go into your inbox with great anticipation... the message will actually be spam from the site, giving you tips on how to spruce up your profile or some nonsense. You will feel somewhat... taken.

The incidents of trickery suck as fake profiles and fake "winks" is something that wouldn't even have been considered several years ago.

I hate these websites and I feel pity for the people who think they can score by paying for an account on one. If you're a woman, dating sites will probably work well for you. If you're a man, well, good luck.

One of my good friends has a few online personals. He still can't attract a $10 crack whore in real life or online.

Not everyone on match is as honest or beautiful as they say they are. Basically, you're panning for gold. Don't be surprised if you have to sift thru a lot of silt before you hit a nugget.

I meet women the old-fashioned, wholesome way: Drunk off my ass in a bar.



Top 10 Space movies of all time

The rankings change as viewers vote on their favorite move. Somehow Jodie Fosters 'Contact' made it on the list.

Editor Comment: I agree with most of the movies on the list, although maybe not necessarily their order of placement, with one major exception; why is Contact on the list? How is that a space movie? The whole thing took place on Earth. That movie sucked. I want those 3 hours of my life back.

Contact was a top ten movie? Maybe top ten crappiest... Spare me. I get to watch lesbian Jodie smack lips with Matthew McConaghey, then bitch and moan. They would have been better off filming a porno with Jodie munching Angela Bassett's carpet in the Oval Office with McConaghey and a digitized Clinton balling them like two dollar whores.

In all seriousness, Empire Strikes Back is probably the best movie of all time and Blade Runner, not in Space, but still rules.



Shooting of three ends in surrender

Clearwater man long complained neighbors were out to get him. So when he saw four people on his porch carrying tiki torches about 2 a.m., he feared they were trying to break in. He fired six shots, wounding three of the people. More

Editor Comment: Count on Floridians to take things too far. Everyone knows that torches should only be used against mad scientists and/or their monsters run amok. At least there were no pitchforks. That would even more clearly violate angry townspeople etiquette.

Maybe they used torches cause they couldn't get the cross lit. I think it's obvious that the only responsible course of action is to ban torches.

I love this country. Four people obviously up to something, man defends his home and is then assaulted by police with tasers. Nice. What should he do? Wait till they burn his house down? I mean what the hell are people doing on Private property in the first place? And why the hell would they use torches? Don't they know we have flashlights now?

Global Warming will end this bullshit and sink Florida to the bottom of the sea. Clearwater is one creepy place.



Top 10 cars for women

Women tell us they prefer a car that's agile, easy to park, with good visibility. They like to sit higher and rightly insist on plenty of storage space. High-tech gizmos are not as important. Space for growing families is essential and safety is a major factor.

Editor Comment: ... In other news, women are supposed to be driving cars.

I'm not sexist about anything. Except when it comes to women driving.

All of those cars, except #10, are really lame.

Brutal. You hate to see your own car listed as an ideal car for a woman, "um, yeah... I drive a jetta... but it's my girlfriends... I swear it...

"Space for growing families is essential in many cases and safety is a major factor." Translation: Women want to get knocked up and can't drive worth a shit, so the car has to hold up when they wreck it.



Door thwarts quick exit for Bush

President George W Bush tried to make a quick exit from a news conference in Beijing on Sunday - only to find himself thwarted by locked doors.

Editor Comment: What a moronic tool we have for a president. Can anyone - Anyone - still support this clown?

The whole world thinks we're run by President Schemp! It's amazing this man is able to walk around without a helmet and water wings. The man can't even make a graceful exit, and some people still see him as our distinguished leader. What a moron. Good job, you people voted for this guy twice? Twice?

Drunk or just stupid? most certainly an embarrassment to our country! its like every week he gives comedians new material. Now its getting to a point that its not even worth mentioning half of his stupidity.

Dubya will be known as the Excuse President - always has one when he under performs. No more excuses, Mr. President, just do your job.

My favorite part is that the reporters are openly laughing at him.

Personally, I prefer leaders who I consider to be a cut above the rest, not some average schmoe making decisions that affect the entire planet. Read the biographies of Ben Franklin, Alexander Hamilton, Jefferson, or James Madison, and then you'll understand what I expect from a statesman, and why we should be so appalled by this pathetic cretin representing us.

I thought when Bush admitted he was trying to escape that it was refreshing to hear the truth from Bush for once.



Woman sues Dunkin Donuts for $15 million after spilling coffee on herself

A Staten Island woman who was badly burned after spilling scalding hot coffee on her lap is suing Dunkin Donuts for a cool $15 million. More

Editor Comment: This is another bullshit lawsuit. This woman should sue herself.

She's a dumbass. But, she may end up a rich dumbass. Watch as Dunkin Donuts settles out of court for fear of bad publicity.

$750 for medical expenses, $14,999,250 for gambling and cruises.

I woke up with a fat chick one morning a few years back. Think I can sue Coors?

If she's riding in a moving car with this coffee in her lap, she deserves some ridicule for her stupidity.

This is not about making the world safe for coffee drinkers; it's about one greedy woman and her ambulance-chasing lawyer trying to use the legal system as a bully stick for personal gain.

The problem is that people treat an accident like it's a wining lottery ticket. Obviously the company can pay the $15 million, buy why should they? It was an accident. And where does the company get that $15 million? From you and me in the form of higher prices.

Give her a new cup of coffee. That's all she deserves.



Huge buzz for iPod gizmo

Apple's iPod is set to bring even more pleasure to music lovers this Christmas - after boffins invented a vibrator that moves in time with the songs.

Editor Comment: Introducing the iGasm.

First it was the cell phone butt-plug, and now this! Is nothing sacred?

Why is it socially acceptable for women to walk down the street masturbating but if a guy was getting off on one of these things he would be thrown in jail!

Why is the concept of a woman using this while driving considered "cute," whereas when I whip it out and furiously beat it during a traffic jam I'm considered a "registered sex offender." It's just not fair.



Atheist plans lawsuit challenging motto on U.S. currency

An atheist who has spent years trying to ban recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance in schools is now challenging the national motto printed on U.S. currency. More

Editor Comment: Good. I've always admired Michael Newdow. Nice to see someone who has the balls to call the government out on their bullshit. They threw his case out on a technicality when he challenged the Pledge.

In God We Trust is a tacit endorsement of religious belief by the government, something that is against the Constitution and should be appalling to anybody who values religious freedom?

The government is in no way supposed to endorse, or inhibit, religious belief. Any response, either positive or negative, is a violation of the Establishment Clause.

The first amendment specifically restricts the establishment of a national religion.

The government does not trust in God but rather in it's own warfare capabilities and capitalism.

What I am stating is that the government should not state that we believe in God. Religion has no place in government affairs - like money.

For those who keep calling Newdow a media whore, I need to point out that generating media attention has long been a valid political tactic. All he's trying to do is put the issue in the national spotlight.



Gays push to recast marriage on morals

As U.S. gays and lesbians prepare to battle a raft of state constitutional amendments banning same-sex marriage that will likely be on the ballot next fall, activists are recasting the issue as one that needs to be fought on moral rather than political grounds. More

Editor Comment: We don't like the results, so we think these are immoral elections: Too bad. Your plans and ideas have been put on the public table and found wanting. Rejected.

America for the most part has no problem with equal benefits, civil arrangements, and all that yap. Doesn't mean all Americans accept it - but tolerate it. But redefinition of society's basic institution is still a no-go. What makes you think redefining the argument will succeed?

This won't fly. A lot of people find homosexuality inherently immoral, trying to cast opposition to gay marriage as contrary to morals is a stupid idea at best. The three most prominent religions of the world: Judaism, Islam and Christianity all have scriptural proscriptions of homosexuality. Jews, Muslims and Christians don't agree on much, when they do, it is probably worth taking notice...

Officiate: "Does anyone know a reason why these two should not be wed? Speak now or forever hold your peace." Me: "Uh, yeah. They're both wearing dresses. Oh, and they're both men."



Man charged with assaulting parking enforcement officer

A Toronto is facing charges in connection with an assault on a parking enforcement officer.

Editor Comment: Stupid. Punch him and shove someone else's parking ticket into his pocket then walk away quickly.

I actually got out of a ticket once just by standing and waiting for the officer to write it. She said, "Is this your car?" and I said yes, and she said, "You know why I'm writing this ticket?" and I said because I hadn't put money in the meter. She cancelled the ticket, when I asked her why, she said "most people yell at me." It didn't really occur to me to try and kill her.

I like cops when they actually protect and serve, but giving me a parking ticket does not protect or serve anything or anyone besides the city's pocket.



Accused molester may have married 15-year old victim

A 37-year-old Gainesville woman charged with molesting a 15-year-old boy may be pregnant and married to the alleged victim.

Editor Comment: I've said it before, and I'll say it again: A 37-year-old woman who has sex with a 15-year-old boy is not molesting him - she's doing him a favor. Where the hell were all these horny 30-something women back when I was in my teens?

No wonder our kids can't read. They're too busy banging the teachers. If you get sex from a hot teacher keep your god damn mouth shut! I would have given up a year's allowance if I could have been victimized like that when I was 15.

Dam granny's the one pressing the charges - I'd say kill granny. As for the "molester" cut the poor woman some slack, she's hot. Id say she's innocent.



Mormon commits suicide after hearing profanity

An argument caused a 21-year-old man to jump from a moving truck in South Jordan.

Editor Comment: I must know the alleged profanity. I have use for it.

Did you ever notice how close the words "moron" and "Mormon" are?

Finally, we have discovered their weakness. Now is the time to strike!

I wonder if I ever killed someone by cursing on the Internet.

I had a girlfriend jump out of my car once during a fight, but she had the sense to wait for a red light. She showed up at my house an hour later pissed because I hadn't turned around to pick her up.



Willis offers $1 million to fight terrorism

Actor Bruce Willis has offered $1 million to anyone for information on the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and other al-Qaeda terror leaders.

Editor Comment: Running for Governor Mr. Willis?

Why doesn't Bruce Willis do it himself? I mean, he has kicked tons of ass before...

I guess when your career is over; you'll take any publicity you can.

Is it legal for private US citizens to start offering bounties on people's heads?

I offer 1 million to the person who provides information leading to the impeachment and conviction of Bush/Cheney/Rove for hijacking Freedom and selling tyranny to the US people with a Smile

"It's hard to advance freedom in a country strangled by tyranny" - GW Bush 4/13/04



Blockbuster going bust?

Despite reporting a narrow loss on its operations, video rental giant Blockbuster is slowly unraveling as if faces increasing presure from creditors, competition, and the loss of revenue streams. The company has begun hinting that it might even need bankruptcy protection. Blockbuster posted a loss of $491 million.

Editor Comment: In other news, Blockbuster reports it used to make 491 million dollars off of raping customers with silly ass late fees.

Fuck Blockbuster, I stopped going there long ago when they started having special "edited" versions of movies. I don't need Blockbuster choosing what they think is appropriate for me to watch.

I burned my Blockbuster card over ten years ago.

Blockbuster has been done for a long time. Anyone still holding their stock should wipe with it and toss it in the crapper.

What's it like to run a store with no customers?



Ashlee Simpson looking for an average Joe

Ashlee Simpson looking for 'average Joe - not a musician' for relationship.

Editor Comment: I thought her 15 minutes were over, what the hell happened?

I still don't understand how she was ever allowed to make a second album.

She should just go ahead and declare herself a lesbian already and get this nonsense over and done with.

The best part of her new CD is the cover art. It's sad when an entire album is beat out by a little cleavage.

*Sigh* I'd hit it.



British sperm banks facing shortage of wankers

Britain is facing a critical shortage of sperm donors after a change in the law to remove anonymity scared away students who had been the main source.

Editor Comment: This isn't true at all. There are plenty of people tossing their wankers in Britain, but they are just not depositing the results in the appropriate container.

I'm just throwing away money here!

Why not just give a load of false information when you make your deposit?

Simple solution. Have women on staff to 'assist' in the donation process. You'll have to beat the donors off with a stick.



Hilton's Hollywood smash-up

Just days after Los Angeles police paid an unwanted visit to her home to serve her a subpoena, the heiress had another up-close-and-personal encounter with L.A.'s finest following a minor car accident early Wednesday morning with current beau Greed shipping heir Stavros Niarchos behind the wheel.

Editor Comment: No citations were issued, no one was given a sobriety test and no incident report was filed. This despite Torriero clearly being heard to say on the TMZ.com video, "I'm the only sober one".

Nice to be rich and the offspring of powerful people, isn't it?

While Hilton was not hurt in the low-speed two-vehicle bang-up, her auto insurance rates are bound to suffer. Good thing she just saved a ton of money by switching to Geico...

This sort of thing would be easier to avoid if celebrities stopped trying to pretend they were normal people and instead spend their money on an entourage and basic security. Seriously, could you imagine a President ever experiencing this kind of a screw-up?

The big problem isn't the no-talent attention whore know as Paris Hilton, it's the people that keep feeding her the attention and keeping the scum of photographers, the paparazzi, in business.



Bomb squad called to Colorado city hall

City Hall and a post office were evacuated and a bomb squad called in after a car carrying at least one propane tank was parked near the building and the driver ran away.

Editor Comment: Empty tank in back he was going to refill on way home, parked car to catch bus that he's almost late for. What? Not scary enough to sell your rag?

More likely running late for a court appearance on that meth charge. At least he moved the lab out of his house and into his car.

Vanderkolk said the Jefferson County bomb squad was treating the situation 'very, very seriously'. Oh, the Jefferson County authorities are on the case! Look out, everyone, the Real pros are swinging into action!



Lawmakers say not enough evidence for perjury charges against Palmeiro

Baseball star Rafael Palmeiro will not be prosecuted on perjury charges after lawmakers said there isn't enough evidence to prove he lied when he told a congressional panel under oath that he had "never used steroids" - sex weeks before failing a steroid test.

Editor Comment: This is the same Rafael Palmeiro who said back in 2000 that he was voting for Bush because it would be "neat" to know the guy in the White House? Palmiero played for the Rangers when Bush owned the team.

"We couldn't find any evidence of steroid use prior to his testimony", House Government Reform Committee Chairman Tom Davis said in releasing a 44-page report. "That's not a finding of innocence, but it's a finding that we could not substantiate perjury.

Why the hell does it take 44 pages to say what could be summed up in a paragraph?

I wonder why a GOP-controlled congress is messing around with professional sports 'inquiries' instead of solving real problems.

Wouldn't it be nice if Congress could be charged for lying to us?



Gaseous Politics - The scandal of supply and demand

Congress is clamoring for an investigation into why it is that when the price of oil spikes, oil companies make higher profits.

Editor Comment: Um, Mr. Lowry, I don't know if you've taken an econ, business, or finance course, but "profit" is the surplus of revenue over costs. Gas prices increasing as a result of the cost of a barrel of oil explains increased revenues, not increased profits. If gas prices were going up solely as a response to the increased price per barrel, profits would stay relatively constant.

For simplicity's sake we will use 50%. You buy a product for $20, process it for $5 then sell it for $50 and make $25. Now if the price were to go up to $40, you still process it for $5 then sell it for $90 and make $45

Could the oil companies have cut their markup? Sure, but when the stockholders were going over the books and noticed that expenditures nearly doubled while profits stayed stagnant then they would dump the stock like it was a Michael Jackson Day Care Center and the company would go belly up.

All that horseshit, and not a pony to be found. Higher cost don't justify a higher profit. It you're raking in record profits, odds are pretty good that you understand exactly where they are coming from.

We've still got it pretty good in the US. Europe pays close to $7 a gallon in some places.



Chirac Vows arrest and trials in riots

French President Jacques Chirac promised arrests, trials and punishment for those sowing "violence or fear" across France - as the urban unrest that has triggered attacks on vehicles and other targets reached central Paris.

Editor Comment: Your highness, the peasants are revolting...

France should get out of those 'occupied' neighborhoods. How long can it be before France surrenders?

Honestly, I thought it would have died out by now. I give it two or three more days before the kids get bored. These are just confused youths who need more cake.

The real shame and tragedy of all this are the fine French automobiles that are being torched. Gems like LeCars, Renaults, and other lawn mowers.

You gotta fault the leadership for letting this continue for ten fucking days. On day one I would have leafleted the neighborhood threatening lethal force if order was not restored immediately. The next day I would start shooting at anyone setting anything on fire.



Missing man found after 25 years

David, who is mentally handicapped, wandered away from his parents house along Hollywood Boulevard in Hazel Township 25 years ago and was considered dead is safe and sound at home.

Editor Comment: They left out the parts where he opens a shrimp company and marries Jenny.

Can they say "handicapped" without getting sued?

Seriously though, he just wandered out the front door and happens to remain lost for 25 years! There are mob informants that would love to know how that's done.

Wonder if this will be George Bush's eventual fate, too.



Buying breast milk online may be risky

Buying a woman's breast milk via the Internet may seem far-fetched, but it isn't an unusual transaction.

Editor Comment: I wonder what breast milk taste like.

Can you assist with the milking yourself?



Teenager facing charges he photocopied $20 bill

A Danby teenager is facing charges that he photocopied and then tried to spend a fake $20 bill at the Vermont State Fair.

Editor Comment: Maybe he figured it would be better if it were smaller and more efficient... at least he didn't photocopy quarters.

I was so scared, officer, the kid pointed a photocopied gun at me.

Police later discovered four additional fake bills at the fair. He actually managed to pass four of them to assorted morons before someone actually called him on the obviously fake money?

Note to self: when photocopy penis, be sure NOT to select 'actual size'.



Man in bra tried to lure teenager

Washington police are advising residents not to get in the car of a purple bra-wearing man who tried to lure a 17-year-old into his car.

Editor Comment: In further news, people in Washington have to be told not to get in the car of a man wearing a purple bra...

I just want to know what kind of homo describes a suspect as wearing a salmon colored sweater?



Lenny Kravitz, Cigarette shill

Rocker Lenny Kravitz has been branded a "sell-out" and a hypocrite for taking cash from tobacco firm Philip Morris to play a "50th birthday bash" for the Marlboro cigarette brand.

Editor Comment: Lenny Kravitz is a talentless hack whose greatest achievements are having boinked Lisa Bonet and being able to pull off wearing a bamboo shirt!

What does that have to do with this article? Absolutely nothing.

For the life of me, I have never been able to understand the commercial success of Lenny Kravitz.



Listen to your favorite city's police scanners live online

To bad; the link to this story is down.

Editor Comment: Oh well, nothing much happens in my city anyway. Who likes to listen to people munching donuts?

All of the good stuff is on the MDTs you need to modify your scanner and use a computer program to decode them. That's illegal. We wouldn't want to say we did anything illegal here, would we.

Oh yeah, I forgot digital encryption. There's a couple of towns here that are encrypted. Trunking was bad enough, now APC025. That can be listened to but the damn encryption. What's the matter, you don't want us to hear that you are making a "pickup" at the 7-11.



Judge tosses a blanket on topless protest 'Breast Not Bombs' not free speech

A federal judge denied on Friday a request from a group of Mendocino women who wanted to protest topless on the grounds of the state Capitol. More

Editor Comment: Seriously, why would someone ever ban bare boobies? If that applied to man boobies, that would make sense.

Despite the ramblings of nudists, some people have no business being naked in public.

The judge should encourage only the cuties to protest naked and threaten lengthy jail time for people like the ones in the Berkeley protest for the sake of humanity. Where was the judge when this was going down? (That was the most traumatic experience of my life.) I don't think those people are the right ones to convince others that boobies are better than bombs.

Men can walk around topless with their hairy man boobs, stretch marks, and pot bellies hanging out for the world to collectively puke over. Women should have an equal right.

I thought the 14th amendment covered this, with its guarantee of equality under the law, would be pretty much a slam-dunk to any judge who's actually read the Constitution.

I'm guessing this judge was not appointed by President Clinton.



Movement to ban firearms in San Francisco

When you go to the polls one week from today, state propositions aren't the only measures some voters face. There are local issues as well. In San Francisco, voters will decide whether to try to ban guns in the city.

Editor Comment: This is really good; San Francisco has actually figured a way to get guns out of the hands of criminals!

This is hardly surprising, especially coming from a socialist like Chris Daly. If this outrage succeeds and is not found later to be unconstitutional, I wonder how many of the few good people of San Francisco that are left will stand up and leave that Looney bin and how many will submit like sheep and turn in their weapon?

All gun bans and most gun regulations are unconstitutional, but yet they exist and the people let the government get away with making them. Some cannot comprehend what "the right to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed" means.

Gun laws have never stopped criminals from getting guns. I have a better idea; why not instead ban criminals from being allowed to roam free in our society?



Clooney's drunken bust-up

Hollywood star George Clooney was involved in a drunken bust-up with a security guard outside a West End club.

Editor Comment: This guy must be going for the Russell Crowe "full of myself" award!