But the chain had resisted calls to post calories and fat content prominently in its restaurants or on its packaging.

Editor Comment: People who care about what they eat don't eat at McDonald's.

McDonald's is just setting up the same defense that served the cigarette companies so well, for so long. It's called assumption of the risk, the warning's right there on the label - "This product not fit for human consumption."

I can't wait to compare the ingredients to lets say... dog food?

I think this will mainly be used as entertainment for the people reading them. Kind of like when you read the back of the Fruity Pebbles box while you're eating. It may cause some people to cut down, but I'm not seeing it having any profound effect.

I think instead what they should do is have a running total right next to the cost column on their computer screens. That way you can see how much you're paying and how many calories you are ordering or maybe even a life expectancy calculator, so you can get an idea of the 'real' cost. Thrill-seekers would just love to watch that number heading for zero.

Will the packaging also be included in the nutritional stats? That should improve the overall figures.

All this artery clogging junk is taking years off my life, but I personally feel that eating right just to add a few years just isn't worth it.



Surfer punches shark

A US surfer reacted on instinct when he punched a great white shark that grabbed his leg.

Editor Comment: Isn't it a bit cold for surfing in Oregon in December?

I must confess minor disappointment. Assaulting a shark that has grabbed you is little more than instinct. I was somewhat hoping that some guy saw a shark, jumped in the water and swam after it, then proceeded to unleash a drunken fury upon it.

When things grab me, and I punch them in the eye repeatedly, they usually let go.

According to Worst Case Scenarios, the eyes and gills are the most sensitive.

Contrary to popular opinion, the shark's nose is not the area to attack, unless you cannot reach the eyes or gills. Hitting the shark simply tells it that you are not defenseless. The surfer is extremely lucky he could reach the shark's eyes to take a shot. Sharks have a nasty gift for sneaking up on you.

If you don't get pussy with that story...



Oprah's jet grounded after striking bird

Oprah Winfrey's private jet was forced to return to the city airport after its windshield was cracked in a collision with a bird.

Editor Comment: Oprah asked the flight crew to serve the bird for lunch.

I hate Oprah, talk about a man-hating bitch!

Damn bird! You failed your mission.



New Orleans police shoot, kill man

Police shot and killed a man who allegedly threatened an officer with a knife, marking the first shooting involving an officer since the city reopened after Hurricane Katrina.

Editor Comment: I'm glad things are normalizing in the big easy.

Sounds like someone brought a knife to a gunfight.

Where the fuck are the tasers? A perfect opportunity to use one and they kill the guy. Did their tasers get wet?



Revealed at last the things women really think about while having sex

Top Human sexuality research team has just revealed the answer to one of man's greatest age-old quandaries about women - what women think about during sex!

This contradicts the popular theory that during sex, women's minds go blank so they can focus totally on giving and receiving pleasure.

Editor Comment: I didn't know men were wondering what women think about during sex.

This is the kind of crappy article I'd expect to get in a forwarded email from my roommate, who likes to forward really unfunny emails.

I'll tell you what women really think about during sex.

I should never have gotten married.
Did I take my pill today...?
Is that a camera in the ceiling?
I hope my husband doesn't come home early.
I wonder if he'll notice I've got a penis.
I haven't been fucked like this since grade school.
I wonder if he'll buy me breakfast.
I hope he doesn't notice his brother's class ring in my ass.
I wonder if he'll be offended if I help myself out a little bit...
No, not that hole, a bit further up.
I think this one will really call me...
If I say what I'm thinking, will I sound like a dirty pirate whore?
Why does he always make me wear the 'Sheep' costume?
Well that was a waste of a perfectly good minute.
How did I let this fucker talk me into this?

My favorite post sex thought... Will she get upset if I go play video games?



Elton takes David up the Aisle

Elton John and hubby David Furnish are honeymooning in Venice.

Editor Comment: I've heard those canals are full of shit.

Shouldn't that Sun headline read "Elton Takes David up the Arse"?

Now Elton can take the little shit wherever he goes.

Men and women have different gender roles. And for the woman, accepting all manner of phallus into their various orifices is beautiful and natural. Usually.

Two guys pounding each other in the ass is just pure comedy. Unless you're in prison and you're on the receiving end, no pun intended.



Britney ready to start trying for baby No. 2

Britney wants another baby - with the same daddy. Despite the widely reported woes in the marriage.

Editor Comment: This relationship is like a crappy episode of Maury.

As everyone knows, in a failing marriage the best medicine is more children.

With only one child, Britney doesn't feel like part of the trailer park community.

Let's remember Britney as she was: the big boobed poster girl for American consumerism. I hope she saved some of her money.



Elton John holds glitzy stag party

Sir Elton John and his partner David Furnish have held a joint stag party ahead of their civil union.

Editor Comment: What will those wacky gays do next!

Elton John has been an abomination for a long time. Now he wants a piece of paper to prove it. Attention whore.

I do not hate or assault gays. I treat people, regardless of their sexual orientation (or other characteristics) equally, meaning that I will make fun of them like I would anyone else. I am just practicing inclusion that was promised under the new administration, wouldn't want the gays to feel left out.

How many other celebrities can you name having a heterosexual wedding that have waiters dressed as sexual bimbos, chairs dipped in rubber, and instead of a cake twinkies were served, that is fairly gay!

"What I want to know is... will it be Elton Furnish or David John?"

Elton John has been knighted by Queen Elizabeth. In England, proper etiquette says that the wife of a Knight should always be addressed as "Lady." So now he's Lady David Furnish!

What does it matter? You know they're gonna be spending most of the "honeymoon" packing their shit.



NJ Assemblywoman caught switching price tags

Irvington police say a newly appointed state lawmaker was arrested on shoplifting charges. She tried to switch price tag on sheets and bedding while shopping at a discount store this week.

Editor Comment: This woman is clearly a crook. I don't see a problem here.

A politician's job is to save money. You should be thanking her. She was just being creative. She should not be punished. The laws do not apply to those who create them.



President's radio Address

President Bush admits to personally authorizing domestic spying and lashes out at those who oppose it.

Editor Comment: Am I the only one sickly reminded of Emperor Palpatine in that address? Is he going to disband the senate, and congress next? And why does everyone think this is a new development? The government has spied on us for a long time, not just after 9/11

The White House has done more to destroy the constitution than any terrorist... On September 11th, 2001, our freedom and way of life came under attack. The only ones attacking "our freedom" and "our way of life" since that day have been politicians. The Patriot Act tore down the legal and bureaucratic wall that kept law enforcement and intelligence authorities from sharing vital information about terrorist threats it also tore down some very important constitutional protections. And therein lies the problem...

An individual's chances of dying in a terrorist attack pale in comparison to his chances of dying from another, more ordinary cause. If the choice is living without civil liberties under marshal law to fend off 'the terrorists', I much prefer the dangers of freedom and liberty to the "protection" of encroaching totalitarianism. Maintaining a free society requires not letting irrational fear be used as a weapon against liberty by the government.

Your civil liberties are being eroded, and for no obvious benefit. The domestic spying talked about here has been used on the international stage for a long time now, and I didn't see it stopping the bombings in London.

Are you forgetting about the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act, enacted in 1978 to end the government spying on Americans by creating a special court to oversee domestic surveillance of foreign agents? Bush skipped out on that court. Essentially stating "he's above the law".

The Bush administration has tried to protect us by suspending the constitution under the Patriot Act, by setting up an offshore prison where people have been kept without trial, representation, or communication, and by trying to justify torture. Has it netted anything? I don't think so. What Bush has done is circumvent the constitution, which is supposed to guarantee us the right to be free from unreasonable searches and seizures. There is absolutely not a single reason not to have judicial oversight when it comes to spying on American citizens and that's simply the bottom line.

The Bush administration are testing the fences of civil liberty in the name of war... and are finding plenty of week spots. Spying on your own citizens in a manner such as this without judicial oversight as a checks and balances can be defined simply. It's called Fascism... remember what that is? It's what we supposedly hate and fought for decades in Eastern Europe?

Bush just committed about the most heinous act a president can (violating the constitution), and there are still idiots defending it. These are the same people who would defend Bush if tomorrow he dropped an A-bomb on Toronto.

Clearly violating the Constitution? Last time I checked, was grounds for impeachment.



Mariah makes embarrassing restaurant gaffe

Mariah Carey made an embarrassing gaffe during a recent visit to a French restaurant. When Mariah used her new-found French vocabulary to thank waiters, she was really telling them, "That meal was so thrilling, I've just wet myself.

Editor Comment: So Mariah is a squirter, huh.

I thought wetting oneself was a common practice amongst the French.

I can't get enough of Mariah Carey making an idiot of herself. I'd still hit it. Wet pants or not.



Car dealer sued over 'unconscionable' deal with elderly man

A lawsuit filed against a car dealership in Boise contends that an 82-year-old man with dementia who mistakenly turned into the dealership's lot was persuaded to trade his new SUV for an economy car worth less than half as much.

Editor Comment: Why was an 82-year-old man with dementia driving a car? And a Suburban Assault Vehicle at that.

As for the dealer totally screwing this guy over, it sadly happens to normal, totally functional people everyday. That car salesman would have been doing everyone a favor if he sold the guy a bicycle... You can do a lot less damage plowing into a farmer's market in an economy car than an SUV. I applaud the car dealer's public safety-mindedness.

Don't tell me the Toyota dealership didn't bend him over first! When did the Toyota RAV-4 start costing $31,000? (When it's an 82-year-old with dementia buying it?). Why didn't anyone go after Petersen for selling this guy an RAV-4?

When a person suffers from dementia that's sever enough to limit their ability to know where they are or what they are doing, they are not fit to drive. Take the old bastard's drivers license. The older they get the worse they drive. I guess the upside to this is that it's one less SUV on the road



Die at your own risk, mayor proposes

Biritiba Mirim, Brazil - There's no more room to bury the dead, they can't be cremated and laws forbid a new cemetery. So the mayor of this Brazilian farm town has proposed a solution: outlaw death.

Editor Comment: Great. Now we will have all these South American corpses crossing the border in the US looking for a plot, at Tax Payers expense I might add...

When there's no more room in the Cemetery, the dead will walk the earth!

Cremation uses fuel, produces waste gasses and fly-ash type particulate. Plus, it's probably not their tradition to do so, and I know you don't want them to disrespect their death traditions.

Open burning causes pollution, massive amounts actually. Can't have that.

You can't just pile them up, the rotting corpses and stench would sicken people for miles, and a constant source of bodies would cause problems well into the future. The pile would just grow and putrefy and leak into the water table, attract all sorts of scavengers who would become fat on the flesh of your relatives. Not a pretty thought.

The best bet is to institute a buffered space for corpses to rot, give them a certain expiration date after which the bones are removed and catacomb. Or eat them. Problem solved.



Man subdued on flight

Passengers and crew aboard a Northwest Airlines flight from Los Angeles to Honolulu overpowered an unruly passenger who threatened a sleeping baby.

Editor Comment: "The plane landed in Honolulu at 6:46 p.m. 15 minutes ahead of schedule". You know... when I read an article about a crazy guy on an airplane who wants to kill some person's baby with a cell phone cord, the first thing I think is... "Yea, but did the plane land on time?"

"We don't have a reason why he allegedly wanted to harm the infant." State Department of Transportation spokesman Scott Ishikawa has obviously never been on a plane with a baby. Why threaten a sleeping baby? You WANT the little hell spawn to sleep. Now if it was a screaming baby then he would be a hero.

Also, WTF is up with all these mentally unhinged people flying now? Damn.

I'll bet a tall glass of cool milk that this story changes in a couple days.

Driven to comical frustration by a crying baby, a "37-year-old Mexican national" partakes of too much alcohol on a flight to Hawaii. Realizing that the plane will be landing soon, he decides to move to the front of the plane to be able to exit the plane quickly. The first available seat turns out to be directly in front of the parents with the crying (sleeping) baby. He turns around to study the situation. Why aren't these parents doing something about that baby? He thinks to himself. A flight attendant walks by, in broken English he tries to joke, "That baby's crying is killing me." the flight attendant doesn't get the joke so the man then stands up to see if he can glimpse a seat closer to the front of the plane. There is none, so he sits back down just in time to hear the wife say to the husband: "I think he's an Arab terrorist, eh." The husband responds: "I think so too, eh." The Mexican finally see a better seat and he tries to go to it, only to be pummeled by a bunch of tough guys yelling "Allah arkbar this, mutha fucker!"



German teen's smoke break leads to Singapore jail

A German teenager caught smoking in the toilet of a Singapore-bound airliner has ended up in jail after police found him with marijuana.

Editor Comment: Do'oh! Shoulda smoked the weed, stupid!

You'd think that if you were traveling to a nation that executes you if you are caught with a certain amount of drugs, you could, you know, do without for a little while.

Look at Singapore's repeat offender rate. Almost non-existent, much like this poor slob is about to be. Thailand or the United Arab Emirates are the only two worse places he could have thought of pulling such consequential shenanigans.

Singapore is now on my list of places never to travel. Right next to Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, Pakistan and Ohio.



Britney kicks Kevin out

Reports surfaced last week that Spears had kicked husband Kevin Federline out of the couple's Malibu, California home after getting tired of his partying way, leaving the dancer to check into the Beverly Hill Hotel.

Editor Comment: *Sigh* same crap,different people. Nothing of real interest to see here. This is what happens when women continue to think they can "fix" their man. She also seems to lack a crucial ingredient that seems to be missing from a lot of people today... common sense.

Britney Spears could have just about any man on the planet. Why pick this jackass to be the father of her child? How fucking dumb is she?

What the hell is Kevin Federline good for, other than making babies? He gets a meal ticket like Britney and he screws it up because he can't grow up! He should be washing floors for a living. He clearly has no redeeming qualities.

Despite some recent pictures of Britney looking rather frumpy, I would still like to ejaculate on her lactating nipples.

You know what this story needs? A murder/suicide. And before you all say "What about the baby?� believe me, the kid would be better off with a group of chimps compared to what he's got now.



New Orleans says BellSouth upset over free Internet

City officials said BellSouth was upset about the plan to bring high speed Internet access for free to home and businesses to help stimulate resettlement and relocation to the devastated city.

Editor Comment: Patriotism and loyalty to our country as far as big business goes, ceases, when profit is involved.

BellSouth has always hated Louisiana. The states Public Service Commission is always making BellSouth provide better and cheaper services than other states get under BellSouth control. I'm not surprised that New Orleans did this, and I'm not surprised that this was BellSouth's response.

After the government's response to Katrina, it's a wonder that the people of New Orleans would trust the government to provide them with anything... Guess that's all people know in a welfare state...

Not much of a tax base in New Orleans for quite some time; not since most of the city became one giant government subsidy. Perhaps a more viable, long-term solution would be to not have a city 10 feet below sea level in the direct path of hurricanes



TATU: Be yourself, don't be a lesbian

T.A.T.U.'s popularity in Russia has never been as huge as it has been in the rest of the World. Motherland should have been proud of them. but the motherland was not impressed by the success of her daughters.

Editor Comment: Yawn... I love the way the article was written in phonetic broken English so you can imagine the writer's accent.

What I dislike most about articles such as this is how they write things like, "The world is about to go crazy over T.A.T.U again." It just goes to prove that the musician's talent has little to do with their success... its just how hard MTV and the media pushes the next generation of shit onto the listeners.

I am saddened by the state of popular music.

So... they're straight pretending to be lesbians, or they're lesbians pretending to be straight girls pretending to be lesbians.

Anyone else bored with homosexuality?
"HEY. LOOK AT ME! I"M GAY!"
"That's nice. Now sit down and shut up. You're blocking the screen."

So now that they're no longer fake underage lesbians, what's their appeal going to be? Their music? Giving erections had nothing to do with their success. It was all the music. On to the next underage sluts!

Can we just pretend they never stopped acting like schoolgirl lesbians?

Give me Alizee any day over these two poseurs.



Saddam: 'I am not afraid of execution'

Saddam Hussein said in a heated exchange with the judge Monday that "I am not afraid of execution" during an unruly trial in which the first witness took the stand and testified that the former president's agents carried out random arrests, torture and killings.

Editor Comment: I think he meant he wasn't afraid to execute people.

Why Saddam was not "shot while trying to escape," I'll never understand.

Hussein has done a great job of making his trial into a mockery. What's the point of even having one? He shows nor remorse, jeers at those testifying, and doesn't even respect the court.

Where is Osama? Why isn't he on trial for crimes against US citizens?

Plenty of people around the world think Dubya should be in that room, too.

I read over the weekend. That 40% of Iraqis want to re-elect him. The scariest quote I saw was from an Iraqi who said, "We want our security back." Kind of ironic I think.

Wow, Iraq is a white trash woman who needs her boyfriend around to beat her up once in awhile just because she feels "secure" with him!

The Iraqi invasion was initially marketed as absolutely necessary for the defense of our country and way of like. Once that was proven to be a lie, now it is spun as a humanitarian mission.

Hussein was deposed by an illegal war. He should be returned to power since he was elected to his Presidency by 100% of Iraqis

I think Bush and Cheney should be impeached.



Sword-wielding man shot by police

A man suspected of attacking a CVS pharmacist with a sword was shot and killed by a Marion County sheriff's deputy.

Editor Comment: This is what happens when you forget to wear your mithril.

I guess Indiana cops haven't discovered the newfangled technologies called "mace" or "pepper spray" yet. Did they really have to kill him?

The guy just died without being decapitated? Boy... some immortal he was!



2 Men injured in fight with teenage neighbors

One man suffered serious head injuries and another man suffered a minor gunshot wound when they got into a fight with a pair of teenagers, after the teens persuaded one of the men to put down his weapon and fight with his fists.

Editor Comment: That real cowboy shit only works in the movies... Texans are idiots.

This sort of stupidity doesn't surprise me in the least, 95% of Texans are clowns. It is the only state whose citizens I can count on to consistently disappoint.

Two teenagers were able to outsmart, disarm, and beat up two men. Is this indicative of the general intellectual abilities of the rest of Texas?

From the 25 rules for a gunfight: #10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

First the Rams, now a couple of thieves... Who will the Texans next lose to after having the advantage?

Walker Texas Ranger unavailable for comment.

Texas, home of George Dubya Bush. Nuff said.



Bush's motorcade has minor accident

President Bush's motorcade had a minor accident Sunday when the ambulance that routinely trails the president in case of an emergency crashed into a support vehicle on the way back from Camp David.

Editor Comment: Your tax dollars at work.

Luckily, the President's personal ice cream truck was not involved in the accident.

"Bush typically commutes to the Camp David Presidential retreat in Maryland by helicopter, buy potentially bad weather forced him to return by car Sunday after an overnight stay". Glad to see Dubya can take a well-deserved break at Camp David now that we have pacified the Islamic World and the world is at peace.

I'm surprised. I thought it would have been Dick Cheney's head getting stuck up "you know where" after a quick stop.



Jennifer Lopez buys dog

Jennifer Lopez has bought a new dog - a huge German Shepherd.

Editor Comment: JLo? Didn't she used to be a singer or actress or something? Hate that skank.

I actually wasted a minute reading this article. Screw this. Want to impress me? Go adopt a dog.

Well at least it's a real dog and not another one of those nasty purse-rats. So what will that ho name her bitch?



A culture of bribery in Congress

Almost every US lawmaker takes big money aimed at helping private interest win favorable government action.

Editor Comment: This just in: The United States Congress and President can legally be offered and accept bribes, usually from large corporations. The bribery itself is euphemistically referred to as 'lobbying'.

Those who claim to serve us have been shown to repeatedly abuse that trust in favor of obtaining personal wealth. I wish the Framers had foreseen this problem arising. Now that it's established, it's damned near impossible to remove the purse strings from our politicians.

Money is like water - it will always find the path of least resistance. Greedy people in power will always find a way to make a deal. Trying to stop this practice will be about as easy as getting the corruption out of the Teamsters Union.

As long as the people of America sit idly by, we will continue to get fucked over.



Wife of Mets pitcher in Playboy?

Anna Benson, wife of Mets pitcher Kris Benson, recently was in negotiations to pose in Playboy.

Editor Comment: That bitch is crazy. Former stripper asking for $1 million to get naked? That's one expensive lap dance.

The lady is a tramp; she said if Kris ever cheated on her, she would sleep with everyone in the Met's clubhouse, including the grounds crew?

Could be worse, could be Kurt Warner's wife. At least Brenda Warner's boobies are real.

I'm sure that there are a lot of New Yorkers that wouldn't hit it. There is a sizable gay population in Manhattan.

But enough about the Mets.