1. Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until your free refills cost money.
2. If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.
3. Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that you're a "spider person."
4. When attending a movie you've already seen, yell out: "Don't let him in! He's the killer!"
5. When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it.
6. When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: "I hope I fixed it this time."
7. Beep when a large person backs up.
8. Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the "little men."
9. Insist on making inanimate objects "dance"
10. Occasionally talk into your hand in public.
11. Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it's full, and then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19 seconds.
12. When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw desperately at the roof of the car.
13. Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room because of Henry, the toilet monster.
14. While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash noises.
15. Insist that life is "one big musical," then try to prove your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.
16. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
17. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
18. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
19. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
20. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
21. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
22. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
23. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
24. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."
25. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
26. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
27. Sniffle incessantly.
28. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
29. Name your dog "Dog."
30. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
31. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
32. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
33. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace."
34. Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
35. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
36. Practice making fax and modem noises
37. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
38. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
39. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
40. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
41. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
42. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
43. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
44. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
45. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
46. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
47. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
48. Drum on every available surface.
49. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
50. Tell 1-800 operators they sound gay and ask them for a date.
51. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
52. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
53. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
54. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
55. Set alarms for random times.
56. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
57. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
58. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
59. Honk and wave to strangers.
60. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
61. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
62. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
63. Wear your pants backwards.
64. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
65. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
66. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination, UFO, and OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
67. Wander around a resturaunt, asking other diners for their parsley.
68. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
69. Ask people what gender they are.
70. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
71. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
72. Sing along at the opra.
73. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
74. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
75. Tell people their accent isn't fooling anyone.
76. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
77. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
78. Never make eye contact.
79. Never break eye contact.
80. Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a".

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