There Goes My Inspiration
Am I completely lame, or do I just have trouble dealing with depression
and disillusionment?
Yes, this is another rant about my feature film project, "Blimps." And yes,
it's still not past the editing stage. Mind you, it's only been two months
since my last communiqué, but still, you'd think I'd have progressed
a little since then.
I haven't budged a millimeter since then. And I can't say that I have anyone
but myself to blame, as I haven't lifted a finger to promote the idea or done
anything to bring anyone else in on it. I guess part of it was just the general,
"Oh, I don't have what it takes to bring on such a massive undertaking" sort
of feeling that inevitably plagues those attempting such a thing. But that's
not the whole story.
I couldn't quite put my finger on my disillusionment until an incident about
a week or so ago. A sort of online acquaintance of mine has a webpage I admire,
and like to visit periodically to see if he's updated. I find him rather attractive,
and I realize that my taste in guys is not popular. But anyway, one day,
I discovered that his site was inaccessible, having exceeded its bandwidth
for the day. That was fine, until I later discovered why his website had
exceeded its bandwidth. It turns out it was a "featured link" on one of those
webpages dedicated to cruelly mocking and humiliating people. It didn't seem
to affect him one bit. It really pissed me off, though.
That sort of summed up my attitude towards the "Blimps" project. Why bother
when there are mean-spirited a$$holes just around the corner waiting for their
chance to ridicule you? I know, I should just "get over it." But I can't.
I wish I could get to that place where thoughtless comments roll off of me
like beads of water off a duck's back, but it's just not possible for me.
I remember stupid, thoughtless comments made by people years ago. They probably
forgot about it minutes later, but I brood about it for days, even weeks
after. The more I try to say, "It doesn't really matter, it's not important,"
the more my subconscious tries to shove it back into my face.
And I think that's the worst part of all. I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!
It's my subconscious mind tormenting me, so what can I do? I mean,
it's really easy to say, even without words, "Oh, it really doesn't matter,"
but how can I get my mind to believe it? Especially when I'm out of work
with no immediate prospects and no health plan. I can't afford a psychiatrist
or "happy pills," so I'm pretty much f&%#ed.
Anyway, I was desperate to find something, ANYTHING to give me an inkling
that this ludicrous project was remotely viable and worth pursuing. Then,
earlier this week, I got the following message:
I was just checking out yr site, and I have to say that your
movie concept sounds frikkin' awesome. The world needs more crazy personal
vision.
Actually, your flick sounds close to what I've mentioned on the board a
few times- a kind of queer horror/exploitation vibe. Something like the wild-n-wooly
70s horror/sexploitation flicks, except with nekkid guys.
Hoping to see yr film someday- Gren
So there you have it. If a complete stranger thinks it's a cool idea, then
maybe it is valid. Perhaps I should just go ahead and show my script to as
many people as possible and not care about the negative criticism which is,
let's face it, inevitable.
It'd be nice, though, to know there are some supportive people out there
to soften the blow.
Click on good ol' C.L. to return
©2003 by Progbear