Jokes

       Passengers were boarding a flight on 747, but the pilots where still not on the plane. The passengers wondered where they were. Finally the passengers saw two pilots walking towards the plane. One had a walking stick, while the other had a guide dog. They were BLIND!!

      The passengers thought it was a joke just to scare them, so they didn't say anything. Soon, after some time, they started all 4 engines, and before you know it, they started taxiing. Now the passengers were really starting to get scared. They lined up on the runway, and started rolling. The passengers could see that they were running out of  runway and so they started screaming. The pilots pulled on the yoke, and the plane left the ground with just a few feet of runway left.

        After take-off the captain said to the FO, 'one day we're gonna get killed. We can't just rely on the screams of our passengers.'

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Sven and Olie chartered a plane with a pilot to drop them off in the wilds of Alaska for a week of elk hunting, just the same as they did the year before. When the pilot returned with the plane Sven exclaimed joyfully to the pilot, “We had a great hunting trip! We bagged four elk!”

The pilot regretfully explained, “Unfortunately, our plane can only fly with the weight of two elk. You'll have to leave the other two behind.”

Sven and Olie were both infuriated and insistent. “We won't allow you to fly this plane out without all four elk,” Olie demanded.

The eager to please pilot relented and the plane took off with the three of them and their four elk. About fifteen minutes into the flight the engine started to sputter, and within seconds they were hurtling to the ground. Wearily arising from the wreckage, Sven looked at Olie and wheezed, “Do you have any idea where we are?”

Olie, quite pleased with himself, replied, “Yes! We're about a mile from where we crashed last year.”

• Flying is hours of boredom, punctuated by moments of stark terror.
• Truly superior pilots are those who use their superior judgment to avoid those situations where they might have to use their superior skills.
• Rule one: No matter what else happens, fly the airplane.
• The propellor is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.
• No one has ever collided with the sky.
• If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't like what you see, turn 'em back off.
• Never let an airplane take you somewhere you brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
• If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller.
• Every one already knows the definition of a good landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a great landing. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.
• Helicopters can't really fly — they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.
• Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphault.
• What's the difference between God and pilots? God doesn't think he's a pilot.
• Airspeed, altitude, or brains; you always need at least two.
• There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
• Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.
• Jet and piston engines work on the same principle: Suck and squeeze, blow and go.
• The three most dangerous things in aviation are a doctor in a Bonanza, two captains in a DC-9, and a flight attendant with a chipped tooth.
• What do you call a pregnant flight attendant? Pilot error.

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