2) "College football keeps people from revolting"
3) "Use your money for pink Cadillacs, pink flamingos and all sorts of other pink things"
4) "God is a big alien"
5) "Either there is a God or we eat each other"
6) "What did Judas do wrong?"
7) "If I kicked you to death... you would actually be dead"
8) "He (John Locke) was wrong about Native Americans. Big deal! He wasn't God"
9) "Babies are produced like machine guns"
10) "I'm not against dressing up vegetables per se"
11) "Jean-Jacques Rousseau is pretty funny... you should laugh"
12) "Be nice to me, I spilled my lunch on myself"
13) "I need to apologize for the coffee stains on your term papers"
14) "Don't tell your mom and dad I said that"
15) "What is the cause of the ecological problem? It is a three letter word that starts with 'm' and is relatively sexist"
16) "Mormons are oppresive with a smile"
17) "Judas was pretty screwed up"
18) "I don't know why we are talking about this"
19) "Alanis Morissette is God"
20) "Democrats think theory is a waste of time"
21) "There is a better chance of us being blown up now than there ever was at any time during the Cold War... and I am an optimist"
22) "This is hilarious, but you're not going to laugh"
23) "This is my favorite...so laugh"
24) "Tampa Bay is like a big bath... incredibly uninteresting as a body of water"
25) "Jesus was not known for his sex life"
26) "He's like Hammer. You can't touch him"
27) "God is dead, pass the butter"
28) "Christ is a pretty high standard...you know being God and all"
29) "Darwin is kind of corny"
30) "Most of your education is propaganda"
31) "I'm not making this up"
32) "To work at K-mart, you just have to know what a bag is"
33) "There is a little hut-man left in all of us"
34) "Where the hell is my two bucks?"
35) "Ordinary life causes you to compromise. Don't lose any sleep over this, thats just the way it is"
36) "To fight someone because he called your momma something, that makes no sense"
37) "Wealth, command, and sensual pleasure. Well, that just about covers them all"
38) "We are better than ants and bees because we won't die blindly like so many bees and ants have done"
39) "Reading the introduction to books will make you dumber"
40) "You have to sit there in silence while I spew out this bologna"
41) "I don't want to point fingers, but women stay alive a lot longer than they need to"
42) "I don't know why I am even saying this"
43) "I'm peaking out, I'm in my prime"
44) "If the British were genuinely vicious, Ghandi would have been a short movie"
45) "The good news is we are free. The bad news is we have to work"
46) "If Karl Marx were here, he would scream at me"
47) "If human beings disappeared, the mysteries of human beings would be solved. The problem is that no one would be around to know"
48) "If a country is bad enough to embargo, it is bad enough to invade"
49) " Don't worry, you will still have your own hut... and your own toothpaste"