1) "I hope that you have learned that there are no gods with quivers of lightning bolts waiting to strike people down, but it's up to you... I don't care"
2) "I can't tell you what I am going to do. So live with it or complain"
3) "Socrates would not get tenure at Berry College... and he would get bad student reviews"
4) "A gnat's anus is a little trumpet"
5) "Haven't you noticed that old people start to lose it? So what's wrong with the occasional beating to keep them in line? I don't see anything wrong with it"
6) "Socrates was like a Blues Brother... On a mission from God"
7) "What is a marketing class but sophism. Trick people into getting stuff they don't really need"
8) "If you raise your hand, you're just wrong"
9) "All students at Northern colleges are slacker atheists"
10) "How many of you get up every morning and say, 'Ah, another day, another choice between life and death'"
11) "Handling snakes is a gray area, but sacrificing virgins is over the top"
12) "You should be a little affected, but not much"
Plato's Republic
1) "How many of you got to church and the pastor says, 'Hey we are going to try something new today. We are going to have chariot races.' Then you say, 'Great, sounds like fun'"
2) "You can read the sociology book lie that says America is terrible because it gives most of the money to a small amount of the population. You should say, 'Good Job!'"
3) "The style of life that Hitler chose was probably not the best one, despite the fact that he was a vegetarian"
5) "What would life be like without Corinthian girls and attic cakes?"
6) "Treadmills are the road to nowhere"
7) "Give me the evidence that we are all brothers...we already killed God, remember that earlier?"
8) "You won't admit it now because you're in college and you're ashamed"
9) "What would you choose?... A: Ruling class, killed by bugs, but you get to vote. Or B: Lower class, no work, but lots of attic cakes and Corinthian girls"
10) "Sexual orientation is somewhat engrained, but it can be changed. Examples...prison and Sparta"
11) "You are going to see these guys walking down street watching everyone give gifts to their lady companions and all they have is gold and silver in their souls"
12) "Plato's Republic was a snipe hunt. You wait around in a thicket with a bag and when "justice" comes out, you grab it!"
13) "What does a 35-year-old woman need? An 18-year-old man, but what is she not likely to get? An 18-year-old man. Pretty cruel, isn't it?"
14) "If I haven't offended you now, I can't offend you"
15) "The mafia does not provide a good foundation for political life"
16) "There are some idiotic teachers who teach the founding fathers were racist and imperfect as if it's big news"
17) "I have no idea what this means by the way"
18) "This will shock you, but I have to tell you this. Male and female dogs hunt together naked... humans do not"
19) "Once you get beyond the age of procreation, you usually get a sweatshirt that tells people that"
20) "I have no idea why anyone in California voted for Arnold, but they ALL did"
21) "Catholic theology says that Heaven is looking at God for eternity and thinking it is good. We can't imagine that because we would get bored and say, 'Hey God let's go to lunch or something'"
22) "A lot of people think that if you give God all the honor and praise, He will give you whatever you want... be it a new car or salvation etc..."
23) "There were no heroes in the 2nd Iraq war because there just weren't enough battles and stuff"
24) "Oligarchs hate philosophers. I realize this every time I go to a board of trustees meeting. By the way I don't blame them"
25) "Isn't it disgusting and perverse that we have funeral homes? If we were philosophers we wouldn't need them"
26) "How many of you don't know and don't care?"
27) "Truett Cathy got rich by taking the backbone out of a chicken. You can't really compare him to Mother Teresa"
28) "Distinctions concerning the soul have little weight. That's why we have cosmetic surgery"
29) "If you want me to get fired, it is too late, I have tenure. If you want to get me promoted, it's too late, I am at the top of my professional game. If you want to keep me from paying my daughter's tuition, I don't care"