1) "Americans are as happy as you can be and still be civilized"
2) "Only economics professors could teach anarchy as a serious political philosophy"
3) "I know you don't believe me, but I believe me"
4) "Do you see how I am right?"
5) "Every old person you talk to thinks it used to snow more than it does now"
6) "Science teachers are incredibly repressive"
7) "Diversity is good because everyone has his or her own cable channel"
8) "What if your plumber said: 'If I don't understand it, it ain't true?' Wouldn't that drastically reduce the amount of truth in the world?"
9) "When you study the Vietnam War in America, out of the corner of your eye you realize that both sides had jerks. One side just had better music"
10) "How many of you have really felt the oppression lately?"
11) "Usually on every subject someone has written something almost as good as me, but not this time"
12) "Lions, tigers and bears and Persians... it is good to have them out of the way"
13) "Babies go nuts all the time...everytime they need something"
14) "During the Cold War, who was it that worried about the Russian Hordes coming and taking all the fresh croissants? After DeGaul...nobody really, except us"
15) "Most Cheers bars are in airports. So I'm going to be there for 36 minutes, but everyone is going to know my name"
16) "Go into a doctor's office in France and everyone is a little overweight...just like nature intended"
17) "That is so commonsensical that it could be wrong"
18) "Human sex is both better and worse than bird sex"
19) "In the end, it's going to be McWorld 1 -- Jihad 0"
20) "Bin Laden sounds like Michael Moore now"
21) "Woodrow Wilson worked 9-12 and was bored by 11"
22) "Charleston, Savannah and New Orleans were the most cosmopolitan cities in the world...except for that whole slavery thing"
23) "Here is reason #907 that I know I am right"
24) "This would be much more offensive if you didn't realize that Tocqueville said it first"
25) "Your dog may like you, he may even lick you, but you cannot trust him to protect your rights"
26) "Only in America do you have to smell good and look cheerful even when you are dead"
27) "Americans read St. Augustine and say: 'man this guy has real issues'"
28) "Things are going well for you guys, but you don't know why and you don't deserve it"
29) "All the bars in Europe play the worst American music...like techno-reggae or something"
30) "There is nothing wrong with Alabama Communists"
31) "If Dr. Bailey does it, it's good"
32) "Just looking around I can see that we have no athletes in this class. So we won't have a problem with missing class for a team"
33) "The future is all about babies and guns"
34) "The Church of England is as calm as you can get and still be Christian"
35) "'Evangelical book' is as close as you can get to oxymoron....[Lawler looks at me]... I take that back"
36) "In American churches there is constant competition for the scarce resource of believers"
37) "If our job is to perpetuate the species...Provo, Utah is where it is at"
38) "South of Macon, Georgia peaked out in 1880"
39) "If you want to do your duty to nature you need to have three kids"
40) "This is social science, it shouldn't be funny"
41) "There are no Lockean chimps"
42) "In this high-tech world there just are not enough chores any more"
43) "Men are on the verge of being superfluous"