2) "We don't have a simple system, but it is not my fault. I feel like you are blaming me"
3) "South Carolina is an exception in every way in our Union. I mean that in a positive way"
4) "Just the thought of forks and spoons makes me nervous. You could eat just as, if not more, efficiently with your hands"
5) "None of the things that we will talk about will inspire you to poetry"
6) "Sometimes what I make up is true also"
7) "This is real, I'm not making this up"
8) "The more white you are, the more you vote"
9) "Men vote for candidates who use and promote the making of guns"
10) "That was wrong on every level and I wish I could take that back"
11) "Do we really want a president who kills bears and is illiterate? Probably not"
12) "I like Jimmy Carter. He was nice and friendly. God bless his soul....But he just didn't know how to motivate Congress, which was unfortunate because they were Democrats too"
13) "We have tariffs to protect us from the Communist China honey"
14) "I have two words for Tim Costyn...Hee Haw"
15) "I am going to have to ask Tim to stop playing with the toys that he took from my office"
16) "Wilson was a self righteous, pious, racist ninny...but an idealist!"
17) "It is sort of like this...It is world USA with a little floating sovereignty everywhere"
18) "Wheat can scare away some people who are allergic to wheat, but it does not scare most nations"
19) "Jefferson did not say 'laid back.' He was not a hippie"
20) "John Adams was 5'8'' and 300 lbs. That is a bit tubby. Is it fat?...I don't know"
21) "Jefferson reduced the size of the navy from 8 boats to 4. This was bad because the British sent about nine guys over and they burned down the Capitol"
22) "Jackson told Congress that they were girly boys"
23) "Van Buren wrote about 800 pages while in office and the three people that have read these really like them"
24) "I ask my wife if I can buy a slurpee at the 711, but Franklin Pierce didn't even tell his wife he was running for president!"
25) "Chili is a vegetable"
26) "I am not going to read Lincoln's Second Inaugural Address because it usually reduces me to a puddle of tears. I will not give you that satisfaction"
27) "Why do we have inflation? God hates us"
28) "It hurts my soul to talk about Andrew Johnson"
29) "Garfield was our clumsiest President. Supposedly he was working on a canal and he fell in it 14 times. I don't know how you do that, but he got shot and killed later, so it was Ok"
30) "A snippet from the Industrial Revolution....'Mr. Manager, what should I do about this evil machine that just ate the arms of seven of my friends?'..."
31) "Teddy Roosevelt was an interesting guy. And by interesting I mean Psycho"
32) "If you need lots of sleep you are probably not going to be very successful"
33) "Taft is just too easy of a target to make fun of, so I will just skip that part"
34) "Truman was very charming when he wasn't dropping atomic bombs"
35) "Eisenhower was very good at looking befuddled while scratching his head"
36) "There is some great stuff in here...I will be the judge of that"
37) "You can go visit nuclear testing grounds and it is OK. You will come out blue, but it is OK"
38) "History papers are great. They are especially great in history classes"
39) "I think Coolidge was underrated. Now I don't want you to write that down and remind me of it later"
40) "If you did not trust the stock market, you would take all of your money and buy 40,000 Mars bars. At least you would get some satisfaction along the way"
41) "I never knew Satanists could be so chipper"
42) "Apparently Satan gets very upset when you are not punctual... and he also likes Sprite"
43) "If there is one thing I want you to take from this class, it is that I am Mr. Hope"
44) "We all know that there is a metaphorical pendulum, but I want to know what it means and where it is going"
45) "That's true I do fear my wife"
46) "People like sex...we just can't talk about it"
47) "We have no sovereignty and our political parties are dissolving, but the good news is we will get better VCRs"