2) "In 5th grade I faked an epileptic siezure"
3) "If you could live for 500 years how many of you, like me, would try drugs? I would have a 100 year binge."
4) "This is good for the kids. Put them in a fort....some might call it a detention center."
5) "I will never go to Disney World. I am against that mouse!"
6) "We are 98.4% genetically identical to onions, but it is the 1.6% that really matters."
7) "Viagra means you never have to give up your adolescence."
8) "If there is one thing I want you to take from this class it is that poor people are ugly."
9) "First born kids are not funny...Great tyrants, but just not funny."
10) "This book will change your life for the worse, you will feel wretched....but in a good way. Buy this book!"
11) "Robot sex....that is funny."
12) "There are no other animals which draw pictures of each other having sex and find it arousing."
13) "Poodles wear vests, but they shouldn't."
14) "Isn't God important than football? Aparently noy NASCAR!"
15) " You may have normal children, but your grandchildren will be part lizzard."
16) "Do you want a pointless major? I may be able to help you out."
17) " I sometimes insert funny words to make the reading better."
18) "Andrew Johnson was politically tone deaf and he drank alot. Congress did not like him because he yelled at them."
19) "I know what some of you are thinking. You want to choose to answer this question because it is only one sentence and is has lots of easy words, but it is a tough question."
20) "Any other comments? I promise I won't make fun of the next one."
21) "Hamilton hated everyone...Oh poor Hamilton."
22) "In my class it is hilarious everytime I talk about the Capitol being burned down."
23) "I never thought I would say this, but thank you Stephen for being in class today. You are very helpful. Don't write that down in your quote book!"
24) "The Simpsons will be like the Torah...last forever."
25) "I'm making these numbers up, but they are ballpark...close enough."
26) "What does the 13th Amendment do? I'll give you a hint. It abolishes slavery."
27) "The framers would be very dissapointed in you for so many reasons."
28) "One m&m for peepee, three m&m for poopoo"
29) "We had civilization and then MTV emerged."
30) "You should find this hilarious. If you don't there is something wrong with you."
31) "Later I will draw a huge graph that will confuse all of you and then there will be light and epiphanies and you will understand. So, you have that to look foward to."
32) "1760, the federal government does little more than collect mail and threaten Canada...and lose to Canada."
33) "I assume God is the cause of virtually everything
34) "Democrats like robots."
35) "Clinton proved he was one of us in a different sort of way."
36) "If you could sum this up using two words, prosperity and justice, what would you say?"