Chapter Two
It was a few weeks later. I'm on a train. This very train will take me to my different life. Not a better one. Things in my life don't get better. Those "things will be better soon" kind of tall tails are for people who've never had a serious thing go wrong with their lives.
I'm moving to Chicago. Lots of people. Nobody is concerned there. You walk across the street and if you're fooling around they'll shove into you, not watch out for you. I want that. Well, I don't want that exactly, I need it. No memories, no nosy people, nobody who knows me. All of that is gone. It's all in Nevada, where I left it.
The train pulled to a harsh stop. People filed out. I was the last person to step off. Good. No dealing with crowds if you don't exit with one. Crowds are bad. I hate crowds.
I hate people. I didn't used to. But I do now. It's a part of my new life. I'm a new person. It's relieving in its own way. I didn't like who I was before. I was dependent. I worried a lot. I was selfish and I pitied myself. This new Alex could care less.
Who gives a damn something bad happened? This new Alex can move on. She doesn't have emotions. She's not a sissy. She won't cry, she won't scream...
But who was I kidding? I'd never be a new person. I didn't want to change. I didn't want to lose touch with people. I just wanted to die. I can't deal with everything. My world is collapsing before my empty eyes and I can't prevent it. It scares me to have such minimal control over my own life.
I dragged my feet to the new raggedy apartment I�d be staying in. It was tiny. Just a kitchen, bathroom and living room/ bedroom. That's enough for one person. One person who doesn't need anyone or anything.
I prayed for days. Though I had never been a very religious person, I prayed. I prayed for everything to be okay. I prayed that I would wake up back home, Emily in the living room, reading a book quietly like always. But that wasn't going to happen. I'm never going to get my old life back.
I love Chicago, I thought, I've always dreamed of living in a big city, and here I am. Good ol' Chicago.
Any moment the heavy tears will arrive, they're already brimming my eyes. I had no feelings besides emptiness. I have nothing left in my heart, it's emptier than those ugly red charity tubs held by the men dressed in Santa suits, ringing their bells at Christmas time.
I sighed as three tears quickly ran down my cheek, giving my lips the smallest taste of salt. I shut my eyes tightly, as if that'd solve my problems. I didn't want to cry. I used to be strong. No, I wasn't strong, Em was strong for me. It was never my stubbornness that prevented crying, but I wish it was. It was her. The best thing I had in my life. I don't have her anymore.
I snickered and told myself I didn't even need her. Nobody needs another person to be happy. Nobody. Well, call me nobody and give me a hat, because I was certainly anything but happy at the moment.
My job was working in The Swiss Hotel (a real hotel in Chicago), a nice hotel not too far, but not close, to Navy Pier. I hated it. The guests were snooty as hell. And the ones that weren't still couldn't be classified as bubbly people. I left my house and walked until I saw a crowd of people, waiting to hail cabs. I realized I was running late. My thoughts were often to blame for my tardiness.
I finally got myself a cab. After I had given tons of directions, we arrived at the destination. I paid and thanked the cab driver and ran through the revolving doors. A man at the desk, who looked quite funny with the chandelier dangling over him, greeted me.
I was about to get to work when I looked to my right. The cafe. Food! I watched people walking up and down the steps by the cafe and watched the other people sitting in the beautiful chairs at the equally lovely tables, eating.
I quickly cut in front of everyone in the line, got a muffin and a small coffee, and left, almost spilling the coffee. I walked through the exercise room and looked at the clip board on the wall.
Oh, lovely, I thought. I had to clean up after the fitness class at 3:00pm in here, I had towel duty in the pool area, and from where I was standing I could hear the yells of guys and loud splashes.
I took a step into the pool area, seeing three young men in, probably, their twenties, making a lot of noise. I took a few more steps and spoke up.
"Excuse me but we are not supposed to allow you in this area until 11:30."
One of them got out of the pool and started talking to me. "Well, we checked in, it's not like we snuck in here, the lady knows we're in here."
�Which lady? Doris? Asian, about 25, brown eyes, long black hair, maybe 5 foot 7?"
"Yeah, her!"
"Doris, Doris, Doris. She does not have the authority to let you in. She probably thought one of you was cute. She just sells the merchandise for our hotel and the work out outfits you can buy. Sorry." I glanced at my watch. "It's only 9:54. I can't let you in."
The other three also got out of the pool. They were sopping wet. And there were no towels for them, one of the reasons you can't come in 'til 11:30; there's no clean towels for the pool area ready before then.
"Oh god," I rubbed my forehead and laughed. "Okay, stay here I'll go fetch you all a few towels. Don't go walking around, you'll get me fired if my boss sees that you're wet and in bathing suits. He'll know you went swimming."
None of them said much. Shy, maybe? Gay? Deaf? Whatever.
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Chapter Three