Im scared, and always have been. Im not scared of being alone, cause thats an irrational fear. I can live with being alone, it is often underrated. What I was scared of (and has now come to truth) is losing you. It was, and is, the lack of you that I don't want to live without. In prior relationships and situations I have let it all out there. I have put everything I feel on the table and let fate take its course. I wore my feelings on the cuff of my sleeve, letting those who I cared about know exactly who I am. All I did by this was scare them. My biggest fear was being too forward with you... was coming on to strong... and scaring you away... much like I have in the past with others. I hoped beyond hope that I could "pace" myself and gradually let you know these things, but clearly this wasn't the best desicion I could have made... everything that I am about to say I wish I could have told you before...
While you were gone on the break, I had two things that I would look forward to. I awaited every moment that I got to speak with you, however brief it was. Because I knew that if I spoke to you for even a few seconds that my day would feel complete. I knew that if I could just hear you laugh for a few moments, that I also would have some joy in my heart. And if by some miracle we spoke for more than a few moments... I would consider it just that... a miracle. Just the sound of your voice was enough to turn a horrible day around. But on the flip-side, a day where I didnt get to speak to you was just another day longing for the next, which if my wishes were heard, was a day we would talk together. The other thing I would look forward to was simply that day that you came back. I wanted nothing more than to see you. As much as I enjoyed hearing your voice, it could never do you justice. Between your mannerisms, your smile, and your beauty, a voice simply couldn't subside those things. For a month I would beg for time to halve, and be able to see you again.
Your appearance has always dazzled me. Call it lame, call it superficial, call it whatever you like. Simply put... you are everything I could've hoped for. From your enticing smile, to your enchanting eyes, it is everything I would have wanted from a woman. I considered it a privledge to have the oppurtunity to see your beauty at any chance I was given. Your smile was enough to make me melt, as where if you were smiling to something I had done or said, I was without words to describe it.
We would often chit-chat about random things, such as movies that we had seen, hobbies that we keep, but the moments I always treasured were the few where I had learned something about you. Granted all of those things we spoke of made up who you are, but I am speaking of the moments where I learned of your family... or your feelings towards others... things that may seem simple to others but provide an insight to who you are Kellie. I would often try to spurn conversation leading down that track, trying to grasp more of who you are. But with every little handful I could get I held it tightly, and prayed for the next.
As I said, I was scared. But it comes in another context too. Sorry, to put it bluntly but, you intimidate the ever-living hell out of me. Everytime I walked you to your car, and everytime I would greet you, I debated in my head whethere to kiss you or not. Every ounce of my mind said "Play it safe... feelings be damned", while every fiber of my heart said "Go for it... Logic be damned". While this message here is for me not to have regrets, I can honestly say I do regret somethings allready.
When you first came home and turned me down to go to the movies, I suspected that something was going against me. When you never called me back on saturday to come over and hang out with us all, I was almost certain of it. Once I saw it in writing I still held on to a glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe... she is speaking of me. However slim those odds were, I held onto that hope. To hear you confirm it, shattered me. Now I wish you the best, and I'm sure you are thinking that we had no prior committment that foribd this, and you are right, and that is why I wish you the best. But I'd be lying if I said I didn't envy him...
I know that none of this "helps my case" so to speak. And I'm not asking that it does. What you do with these words is solely up to you. Regardless of what happened, these were all things you would have heard in a matter of days anyway, as I planned to say all of them. The only difference is now you will be reading them as opposed to hearing them through me. There was alot I planned to say, and everytime I have thought about what to say to convey how I feel, it has changed. I just want you to know that me being scared is all that kept me from saying three simple things. My feelings for you are all that kept me from expressing my feelings to you. I wish you all the best...
--Rick--