The HERO awoke. His pixelated form rubbed his eyes as he realized that things were different today. Yes! It was his seventeenth birthday! Seventeen was a wonderful number, he thought. Too old to be a teenager still and too young to be an adult. Wait...seventeen really sucked. As he shuffled noisily down the stairs, he suddenly remembered that he was to receive his very first vehicle today. Yes...cherry red, with wheels...and an engine that ran...it would be the best car anyone ever had. He had been dropping hints about it last Christmas. He had learned that it was wise to drop hints about what kind of present you wanted, or you might receive ENRON stock. He removed a sticky note from the garage door that said - LOOK INSIDE FOR YOUR PRESENT...LOVE MOM, DAD, AND TIMOTHY. He wondered for a second who Timothy was, but then abandoned the thought as he opened the door and saw...not a car. It didn't have wheels. It didn't have headlights. He wasn't even sure what it was.
He walked closer, rapidly swinging into a depression - those instant depressions you feel when something bad happens and - well, you know what I'm talking about. It was a sword. Not a little sword, but a big sword. There was a note attached to it: THIS WAS YOUR GRANDFATHER'S. The HERO was mad. Not a little mad, but big-time mad. This wasn't fair. He had wanted a car for...oh, at least six months now. Not only that, but he knew this couldn't have been his grandfather's sword. His had seen his grandfather only six months before. He was an old guy. Old people didn't fight. Besides, his grandfather was Indian. What was he supposed to think? His parents probably thought he was dumb or something.
The HERO then realized what he should do - when in doubt, assume that fantasy is the same as reality. The last video game the HERO had played was the LEGEND OF ZELDA. Not caring too much for the combat part of it, the HERO settled for cutting bushes for two hours until he had 999 Rupees. That was exactly what he should do - cut bushes and grab the money that would magically appear!
. After about two hours, he had gained nothing but blisters and dirt on his clothes. What is this world coming to...Does no one leave money in plants any more? Severely depressed, he decided to go visit the village high school. Maybe one of his "friends" (and he used the term loosely) would be able to help him.
Not being able to lift it for more than four seconds, he piled the sword into his red Flyer wagon and walked to the high school. He consulted with Louie the security guard about his problem. He wasn't sure if Louie was his name or not, but most guards he knew were named Louie so he made that assumption. Louie told him to enter the local fighting tournament and managed to conceal his mirth. After the HERO went on his way, Louie thought to himself...HERO...what the heck kinda name is that? Parents probably wanted him to be gay or something.
The HERO entered the fighting tournament. He lost. And lost badly. He discovered that it was difficult to fight with a sword that weighed approximately two tons, especially if you were someone like HERO, whose idea of exercise was playing "Diablo" with only one hand. Rather than go into the grisly details, let's just say the HERO's first fight didn't go too well.
On his way to the hospital, the HERO had the misfortune to come across the village wise man. At least, that's what he preferred to be known as. The HERO just called him the old-guy-who-talks-too-much-and-smells-funky-and-really-should-get-an-old-person-diaper. So anyway, the HERO was forced to sit and listen to the old man. Luckily, the HERO discovered the time-honored method of pressing "A" rapidly, which enables ADD-handicapped players to skip any expository dialogue they may have the misfortune to chance upon. Just as the HERO's thumb was getting tired, who should arrive but Louie the security guard? (Indeed that is who, because so far the story has only three characters and he was the only one who wasn't there.)
Louie, feeling bad because he had sent the poor lad for a beating, gave the HERO the sack of weapons he had confiscated from high school students during the last fifteen minutes. The HERO, elated, but unsure of what to do with all of his weapons, tried to put them in his backpack. What's that you say? I never mentioned he had a backpack? Well just because I never talked about it doesn't mean he didn't have one! Anyways, the HERO, being an unbelievably brilliant and strapping young lad, tried to fit the eight or so weapons in his backpack. It didn't fit. And he realized that he'd better buy a new backpack.
Feeling cheated by the laws of RPG physics, he decided that he should find some minions to lug his stuff around - i.e. RPG party members. The old man, who had been talking for the past forty minutes while the HERO had been drawing his own conclusions, suddenly told the HERO to seek nine more party members. You see, the HERO had thought of assembling a small army, but thanks to the old man, the number nine stuck in his head and the party became an even ten. As the HERO was leaving the old man told him that he must defeat the leader of the evil hordes that had been plaguing the village for years and years. The HERO heard exactly one word of that sentence - "evil". As a result, ZAC became the first party member to join the quest.
CHAPTER II: MEET ZAC, DUC, AND DANIEL (AKA the shortest chapter ever)
The HERO entered his home and slammed the door loudly in order to check whether his parents were home or not. Since no one yelled at him, he knew he was safe. However, there was someone at his house.
The HERO walked upstairs to his room and greeted ZAC.
"Hey,"said ZAC," the door was open."
"Hey yourself."
The HERO told ZAC his problem. ZAC listened with an apathetic ear and agreed to come along, provided he could convert defeated foes to the guiding light of communism.
"Meh," said the HERO, and the deal was sealed.
The HERO went downstairs and greeted the other resident of his house, DUC. DUC hadn't moved since his last visit. In fact, DUC had been staying at the HERO's house so long the HERO wasn't sure whether DUC actually had a house and parents. DUC, who had known the HERO since the beginning of time, agreed to join the quest. At least, that's what ZAC and HERO assumed. He never actually said anything, he just naturally followed them around. This was normal.
DANIEL had been prodding the bag of sharp objects the HERO had left in the foyer. When the party went downstairs, they announced they were on a quest.
"Wait a second, HERO, you just want someone to lug your stuff around."
"You got it."
"Can I keep the pointy things?"
"The big pointy thing is mine."
"I mean the other little ones."
"Sure."
"CHA-CHING! I'm in!"
And so, the four friends set out on their quest.
CHAPTER III: ROUMIK XIII AND AN IDEA FOR A QUEST
The four quickly equipped themselves. The HERO chose the gigantic sword because no one else wanted it. ZAC favored a sickle, for obvious reasons. DUC chose a BOW...I'm not sure why yet. (I'll get back to you later). DANIEL chose a staff...because the HERO begged him to hit things with it, and some throwing knives because they were pointy.
ZAC protested, but they practiced whacking bushes at the HERO's request. Although they did get 5$ from a little old lady who appreciated having her lawn mowed, for the most part all they received were minor scratches and cuts. There was one interesting moment during which they ran from a vicious pit bull. HERO couldn't keep up, and he tripped over his sword. "Fluffy" died, wondering why he couldn't have dodged a sword the size of Kansas. Mailmen in the immediate region breathed a collective sigh of relief. DUC searched the remains of the dog, but contrary to popular belief, the beast left behind only a rust-colored stain on the sword, and not any useful items.
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From now on, the rest of the chapter will be told in dialogue format, switching to story as needed.
ZAC: You know, if we had a pit bull like that one, we wouldn't need these weapons.
PRIYANKO (not listening): Sword, you have saved my life again!
DUC: If we had a pit bull like that one, it wouldn't last very long.
DANIEL: What do you mean, "again"? When was the first time it saved your life?
PRIYANKO (still not listening): I think I'll call you R2-D2!
ZAC: What?! That's a horrible name for a gigantic sword!
PRIYANKO: I like that name.
DANIEL: Why? The sword isn't small and gutsy; it's just a rusty, mishapen hunk of metal. Why don't you name it '76 Ford Pinto?
PRIYANKO: It's versatile, just like R2-D2/
DANIEL: So it's an El Camino.
PRIYANKO: Don't listen to them, R2. We're going to be the best of friends.
ZAC: What happens when we visit an item shop and "R2" gets outdated?
PRIYANKO: I pawn this piece of shit.
ZAC: Oh.
DANIEL: We need a quest.
PRIYANKO: Why?
ZAC: Otherwise this game will suck.
DANIEL: Too late now.
PRIYANKO: HEY!
Just then, PLOT FURTHERING VILLAGER arrives.
DANIEL: Well, that was convenient.
PFV: I heard there was a mad scientist's lab nearby.
ZAC: So what do we have to do?
PFV: I heard there was a mad scientist's lab nearby.
DANIEL: So do we have to go defeat him?
PFV: I heard there was a mad scientist's lab nearby.
PRIYANKO: It's all he can say.
PFV: I heard there was a mad scientist's lab nearby.
ZAC: Jesus, HERO, you're a genius. Nothing gets by you.
Just then, PLOT FURTHERING VILLAGER2 arrives.
DANIEL: Great, now we can hear more.
PFV2: Those poor animals, someone should go save them from that madman.
PRIYANKO: I get it! We need to go to Harris Teeter and deliver groceries for-
PFV2: Those poor animals, someone should go save them from that madman.
ZAC: I think he's just playing dumb.
DANIEL: Are you referring to HERO or the villager?
ZAC: Meh. Pick one.
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To be continued...