This page is just a page for me to put updates about this page or just for me to put out my thoughts because I'm the type of person who loves to write! Basically, this is just a page of random thoughts! It's not intended to bore anyone but it's just a little place for me to express my thoughts...so, it's kinda like my diary, in a sense...
RANDOMNESS:
Its funny how when u think that things will actually work out and that every thing will be good that u begin to realize what an idiot u were. I read some quote that was along the lines of if u don't like something, change it..if not change ur attitude towards it. i say that the best thing to do is not even to try to change it. trying to change something is impossible. no matter wat u try to become or how much u try, it'll never work. by trying hard and realizing that u've really gotten no where would just cause u misery. the only attitude u can posssibly take on is to just leave things as it is, tell urself that its not u, and just move along. i've also realized that often times, misunderstadnings can reveal lots about ppl too...the end
June 5, 2004
Sometimes I question why things have to be the way they are and why people have to exist in a world that is not comparable to what we think it is. The frustration, the heartache, the tears. Why is it that people like to put themselves through such ocassions and why is it that people create opportunities for such things to happen? Why?
February 7,2004
There are actually so many things that you can't really control and some times no matter how hard or how much u try to tell urself that u can make things go a certain way, u know its not true. i don't know wat hurts more...whether it sucks that u can't help but do the many things u do, or if u dunno wat to do. u know how when u know some thing isn't good for u, yet u still keep doing it and u end up making urself really unhappy, yet u know that if u don't do it, u'll feel even worst. *sighs* wats there to do when all u can do is this nonsense and u dunno where life is going to take u. *sighs* its like...when the one person u care about, not only doesn't care about u and is doing nothing to make things rite. why? maybe cuz that person doesn't care for making things rite and they don't want to do any thing that can make it rite. heh. and wat are u supposed to do? are u supposed to pretend like things are okay? are u supposed to pretend like the world goes round and ur happy and that things will work out. doesn't it suck when u don't know wat to think or wat to do and there's nothing u can do to make things better. it almost feels like its all stupid and worthless, etc. crap...u know the little things that can make u feel so small, like u shouldn't even exist here.
January 24, 2004
i wish i could say that i'd be okay and that i'm going on okay, but i can't deny the fact that i cannot really get through on my own. i wish i could promise that i'll stop every thing but i don't know wat else to do. i wish i could be strong enough, and tell u that i'm okay. but i know i'm not and i'm not going to lie about it. and even though i know that i'll be better, there's nothing much that can be done about it rite now. time can do so much more. i wish time would go on faster, but i know there's nothing i can do about it. it just creeps by ever so slowly. i'll be better. hopefully. soon.
January 21, 2004
This really sucks. Why do all good things have to come to an end? I'm trying to figure this out but yeah...I'm really lost and I need guidance. I wish time would fast forward and move faster. It's just creeping by, second by second; with each second, I feel tortured. This is more than I can handle. I need out of this. But how? I've considered my options, but they're selfish ones. *sighs* I need courage. now.
June 8, 2003
My first year of college is almost over. *sighs* I have lots to write about, but I guess I'll work on it later since this is rite before my TWO ECON FINALS...how exciting...some times, i wish tiime would pass faster too...
February 7, 2003
Wow its amazing how time flies!! I started this journal almost two years ago and its been a while since I've updated this thing. How pathetic. I can't believed I started this thing my junior year and wow...its college now. Even more amazing is that i actually wrote in this journal thing periodically, at least a few times every year. So an update. College is going kinda okay so far even though its not as fun as I thought. I wonder why...I have some random thoughts but its not appropriate to post here. So I guess this is what everyone anticipates in high school. The whole "college experience." I can't say I don't miss Keppel and I dare to say that Keppel was a really great place! (I never thought I'd say that in my life) At least where I am, things are just as bad as Keppel and maybe even worst so what can I say. I don't really know what everyone sees in college cuz seriously, its not as good as it sounds..or maybe its just me. I mean the whole thing isn't entirely bad and there are many many many good times and countless fun times but still. Its not the greatest place. But then again, school's never good. Well, I'm sure I'll prolly think different later on if I were to keep up w/this. Afterall, there's always going to be this nostalgic feeling for something that you know is no longer there. Its just human nature I guess. O wells..
November 10, 2002
The new chapter of college has finally begun. College, so far, has been a real interesting experience, very different from the normal, rigid high school life. An experience that I think i will enjoy, a place where people don't try to be someone they're not, where drama is minimal, and life is great. Yet, in this less than perfect world, no matter how perfect the present moment is, there's always remain a slight bit of uncertainty as to what could have, should have, would have been or what will become of something. College almost feels like a last chance thing where you have to exceed in everything or you would never exceed at all. And college life can be so unpredictable sometime because you can never really grasp what is going to become of you. In junior high, you know you're going to go to high school. In high school, you know you're either going to college or head into the work field. In college, the options are boundless and you never really know which direction is deemed as the "correct, appropriate" direction. And in college, when your trying to make something of your life and discover and grasp your true "self", you get lost in it. You begin to wonder how things would change for you, for the better or the worse; you don't really want somethings to change, yet you know that change is often times inevitable. You begin to think you really want something but then you doubt yourself because you're not sure if its really going to happen. You fear that things might not go your way and if it begins to take on a negative spin, then you'd end up at where you started, but even more confused and lost than ever. So, you try and imagine that your life would work out as planned and you make elaborate plans to do things and you hope and pray for the very best things to happen to you, and you try your best to be the best person ever. And sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn't. The things you have no control over are most often the things that changes the most. And the things you have control over equivocates to most of everything in your life. So what am I trying to say...this cloud of confusion and nonsense if probably just the thoughts that are passing through my mind as I'm writing this and as I've thought about this before and so on. And college life is not the other thing embedded in this, but other things are too. Well, so as a person, you try to do things that you're happy with but life never treats you fairly. When things start looking good and life seems almost too good to be true, something different and strange is going to be handed to you and you try to rise above the situation but its not really as easy as it sounds.
April 3, 2002
It seems as if time is passing by even faster now cuz once spring break is over, there's exactly two months of school left. What is it after all this? After four years, I guess its time to start all over and try out different things. As of now, I really wish time could just stand still, but who knows, ppl change all the time....who knows what will become of all this...life never presents any "perfect solutions" and there is always confusion. Sometimes, its the thought of not having something or the thought of what can never be, yet it may possibly be a true passion towards something. Sometimes, things happen so fast that we never take any time to think about what happened. People usually accept what has happened in fear that they may be the one who is thinking differently, and these "acceptances" will always be a mystery to each individual. But, when we do take some time to think about everything, we always wonder what could have been done differently which sometimes make things worse than it is already. I guess things happen for a reason and everyone has to get used to changes cuz thats the only way you'd ever learn, but changes are hard, and sometimes you may wish that things would never change. Sometimes, you may wonder if you're the cause of the change, and that maybe, just maybe, if you had perceived something differently, the change would have never been made. Maybe it wasn't even necesary. Maybe it wasn't even supposed to happen. Maybe it could be reversed. Just maybe...so I guess we just have to accept that things happen for a reason, and what else can we do but to "accept" it as it is, and just hope that times would be better....
March 24, 2002
Sometimes you can't help but think of things that can happen. Sometimes somethings are not really within your control and when it is, its hard to control. Some people would go through so much trouble for no reason, yet they would still continue to do it. People are sometimes vulnerable to their emotions and sometimes they cannot think logically, allowing their emotions to overpower them. I guess somethings are difficult to straighten out, and when things don't go the way u plan them to, u have to keep up a facade that makes it seem as if everything is ok--a desperate attempt to conceal everything u feel. When things are not within ur control, the best thing to do would be to just forget about it. Nevertheless, somethings are not as easy as u think.
December 16, 2001
Another school week passed by and now there's one wk before xmas vacation! I'm so exicted, but at the same time so frustrated. I can imagine so many things happening this month, but at the same time, I don't know if its really such a good idea. I realized that some things are better forgotten. Although this may be just running away from your problems, its really much easier and less agonizing. Someone told me, "no worries, no pain." But then again, I found that the things that really bother u and the little things that u notice indicates how much u really care. So how can u possibly lie to urself and turn away from what u care about? Whatever the situation, the decision is difficult to make and either way, u lose. In this case, why not just forget about everything, spare urself of the pain, and life still goes on. I also realized how much little things matter. Often its not what someone does, rather, its what he doesn't do. I guess thats y i spend time thinking about every little detail, cuz the things that seem trivial to u, may mean a lot to others. Just always try to be considerate of other people.
December 10, 2001
So yeah, another Monday back to school, and here I am, messing with my web page rather than studying for biology. **sighs** So after a day of contemplating, I still didn't come upon a conclusion. But today, I realized how much better u would feel after saying whatever u have to say. It diminishes all mysteries, but the only draw back is it brings more doubts and questions. But of course, all these doubts outweigh everything else! Oh well....
December 6, 2001
I haven't even updated this page for the longest time, so I guess I'll probably work on it during christmas break. So finally, the year is coming to an end...in less than a month, i'll get to start everything over, so maybe next year would work out better. I had lots of good times this year, but it always seemed like there's something missing...=( I was just re-reading everything I wrote the past year, and it seems like everything is repeating all over again...I should learn from my mistakes...sadly, it seems like I'm never gettting anything from it...
what i think: i've learned that i should never explain anything to anyone if anyone ever questions me. you would only doubt me to question me, so what's the point of explaining? it's only going to lead to more misunderstanding and you'll probably doubt what i tell you or try to explain to you. just trust me plz!
June 25, 2001
Summer is finally here, but then I'm starting summer school real soon, so what does it matter...well I hope everyone has a GREAT summer! This is actually something that was in my profile, but since I'm changing my profile, I'll just put it here for everyone to see:
it's so funny how when u like someone and u think of sooo many different things to do that are quite obvious, yet u keep denying and lying to urself...u always refuse to believe that it's a fact, even though, deep inside, u know it's true. it's the last week of school, just go for it! whatever is meant to happen will happen...if all fails, there's a whole summer to help cease any regrets, yet if u don't do it now, u would have a whole summer to regret.
June 9, 2001...real late: I go through such extreme measures to persuade ppl to go places and do things, yet in the end I never feel like doing it. First the hiking thing, in which I tried everything I could to talk ppl into going, but in the end, I didn't want to go. It happens to me everytime...I guess the fun of it is being able to talk people into going, more than it is to actually go. I wonder why?
June 9, 2001
What I'v realized again:It's so funny how you can know of someone's existence, yet never ever have a chance to truly know them or never become friends. It's like you know who they are just by name and all but you never talk to them or anything. And when you do, you find them some things can be real different.
Guys and girls usually change a lot after you really get to know that person. Most guys, not all, would be really nice when you just know them but things get real different when you really get to know them. But there are also those who will also be your friend, and always be so cool. I mean, it's real nice to have close guy friends cuz they are usually the one who can offer you the most honest advice and input on things. If you can develop a tight friendship with them, it can be a lot of fun. They are the ones you want to talk to about things because they always tell you what's good for you, rather than what you want to hear. (Thanks Alex T.!) But then again, there are also those who don't really care and stuff, and the type that changes so greatly when you get to know them. It's like they're no longer nice, and things just change.
Girls are cool too! When girls get to know each other, they usually share a real tight bond, which is real cool. It's different with girls though, cuz usually they don't know what to tell you when you ask them for advice. I mean, it's great to have girl friends, but the thing is that sometimes they wouldn't want to tell you the truth, not because they are mean, but because they do not want to hurt you. But overall, friends are always cool to have!
June 5, 2001
Gee, i've really been writing in here a lot lately. Way too many entries!
June 4, 2001
I've realized that I've been writing online a lot lately--probably cuz I'm on so often this week and I still couldn't find my doggie journal, so where else can I write besides here. Today wasn't a good day either. I felt so sick, yet I still had to stay for practice and everything. Why do people have to be so fake? There are so many things that I do, that I really truly feel that maybe I shouldn't do. Seriously, it's like I'm doing all this--not to mention what, at least not online, so if u want to know, ask me--and I don't feel like I'm being myself. It's so fake, I'm actually ashamed of myself for putting up with all this. I think I've had enough of it... Oh well! I thought everything was going smoothly, and it was, but of course this world is never perfect. Something always has to go wrong, at least for me, when I think that everything is working out. Often times, I've always believed that there are many things I can handle on my own, but I don't think that it's true anymore. I'm too vulnerable to things that are happening at this point, and I really really don't want to do anything on my own anymore. It's really frustrating, and tiring. I've never given up on pursuing my dreams, but this slight detour is really upsetting me. It's only the first day of the week, how wonderful!
Oh well, at least this school year is over and I would be able to do something more wonderful this summer, hopefully. I really wish that I could do something real different this summer, and just get away from things. Life is too hectic...
June 3, 2001
Today turned out pretty well...except for when Joey called and told me he saw Moulin Rogue already. =( If you're reading this Chris., ur right! Online is an illusion. There are so many things a person can hide online, yet things can be so different when u actually talk in person. The phone is also like an illusion too, but at least it takes more skills to hide ur tone over the phone. Thanks Chris! After I talked to Christina last nite, I indirectly talked to several other people and discovered how differently we perceive things. Right now, I really don't know who's right, but I figured majority rules right? Whatever...I guess I'll just have to take Chris' advice. **sighs** Are people genuinly nice or is it all an illusion??
June 1, 2001
What a week! I was glad that it's finally Friday, but not anymore...it's even worst than I had anticipated. I thought I would have fun today, but I guess it's too much to ask for? I've tried so hard to accomplish so many things, but it never pays off..so, what's the use of doing all this? I'm beginning to feel that school is not rite for me. Maybe I was never meant to be the very studious type, maybe I shouldn't study anymore, maybe I should just do whatever makes me happy rather than doing what makes everyone happy? What should I do? I always strive to achieve my best, but I don't think it's worth it anymore. Should I just give up?
As I review what I've written in this "journal" of mine, I've noticed that I've only written in here when I'm feeling sad. I've always always always tried to be really joyful, but maybe I'm not. I've always have to handle everything on my own; sometimes, it may seem like I have everything I want, but all I really want is some support...I don't think it's too much to ask for.
May 5, 2001
Thanks for visiting my page everyone, but I haven't had time to do anything...I've been so busy lately, but I don't feel that I've accomplished anything at all. I'm too swept up with life--in other words, school. It makes me wonder if that's a good thing. AP exams, homework, study, study, work, study. Can't play, can't go out, can't even hang out. It always seem like I have a billion things to do, but I never get anything done. Just like right now! Instead of studying for AP like I should, I'm actually writing all this stuff. (At least I'm getting something done) There's so many things I have to do, but I don't think I really want to do it. I look into the field of engineering, but I don't think that that's my true interest. So why do it? It feels like an obligation. What else can I do? Life is too confusing for me now...too many things to think about, to many things going on, too many distractions, too many people! *sighs* Can someone help me straighten out all these confusions, plz?!
April 15, 2001
I got this in an email, and I thought it is kind of cool! Check it out...
TAKE A MINUTE TO THINK ABOUT OURLIFE
"The paradox of our time in history is that ...
we have taller buildings, but shorter tempers;
wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints;
we spend more, but have less;
we buy more, but enjoy it less
.We have bigger houses and smaller families;
more conveniences, but less time
.We have more degrees, but less sense;
more knowledge, but less judgment;
more experts, but less wellness.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
We talk too much , love too seldom, and hate too often
.We've learned how to make a living, but not a life;
We've added years to life, not life to years.
We've been all the way to the moon and back,
but have trouble crossing the street to meet the new neighbor. We've
conquered
outer space, but not inner space.
We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.
We've split the atom, but not our prejudice.
We have higher incomes, but lower morals.
We've become long on quantity, but short on quality.
These are the times of tall men and short character; steep profits and
shallow
relationships.
These are the times of world peace, but domestic warfare;
more leisure, but less fun; more kinds of food, but less nutrition.
These are days of two incomes, but more divorce;
of fancier houses, but broken homes.
It is a time when there is much in the show window and nothing in the
stockroom;
a time when technology can bring this letter to you,
and a time when you can choose either to make a difference, or to just hit
delete ..."
Unknown Author
March 18, 2001
Today I realized that people should not make assumptions. Some things turn out different than what you may have expected. When a person makes an assumption about people, they become bias and sometimes despise that person. However, when you hear the true side of the story you come to realize that you were wrong in your assumptions. Making assumptions without talking things through tend to distant people and occasionally break up the friendship. Another thing is that if you ever have to doubt a person, then there isnt much trust or much of a friendship there. If it is a true friendship, you will never have to be doubtful or make false assumptions because you have faith in that person and know that they will never do anything to hurt you. Besides a true friendship is based on honesty, so there would be no need to make assumptions. That other person would have told you everything before you have to find out from a stranger. To find out something about your friend from someone else is more disturbing than if your friend just told you the truth. Some say the truth hurts, and that is true but a lie is beyond that level of hurt, so whats better, the truth or a lie?
March 9, 2001
As another school week ends, I am once again looking towards the weekend. Quite an obvious statement, but the point I want to make is that I no longer anticipate weekends as anxiously as I had before--which was really not too long ago. Why this change? I don't really know because typically, weekends are the coolest days and I love spending time out. I remember quite a while back, maybe last year around this time, my favorite thing to do on Saturday nights was to go out--mostly to movies or dinner. (That was so typical) But now, it's like so many things have changed. Not only has things changed from last year, but many things have changed just recently within my own little world. For some reasons, I don't know whether it's just me or not, but things seem so distant now. On one boring night last week, when I stared blankly at my ceiling, strangely enough, I began reflecting on the different things that I've done lately. This made me realize how different everything is. I'm probably confusing a lot of people, but I've realized that sooo many things have changed. And on one boring day a couple of months ago I wrote somethings on changes in which I think I will add to my page, sometimes soon. But as of today, I don't know if everything written means anything to anyone, and if I bored anyone...I'm sorry. This page is more for me to write my thoughts and ideas, so I'm not sure if anyone knows what I'm talking about.
February 25, 2001
Instead of updating my page, I kind of got tired of doing it. I guess it was just another one of my one-day things that I like to do. Oh well, everything I do is always like that--people who know me know what it means--the things I like change very quickly and rapidly. I might be hyped about one thing, but nothing ever lasts.
Anyways, I decided to add this into my journal today because someone just told me this and I found it pretty interesting. And when I was told this, I just couldn't believe that I never thought of it. Anyways, someone told me that guys should never stress out about girls and girls should never be stress out about guys. Interestingly enough, he also added that people who always stress out about the wrong person, and that the right person wouldn't require all that stressing. Such a simple concept can clear up a lot of unhappy thoughts and misunderstandings. I don't know why I've never thought of that idea...it just never dawned on me that the right person, well, will just come.
February 21, 2001
Still trying to finish what I have started last night--this site! Ah...so many thoughts on what to add to this page...and so much work, but so little time...what to do...and here I am, working hard on this page, skipping my routine of watching "Charmed".
What I've Realized So Far: While embarking on my usual routine, I learned a whole new side of things. I've realized that many things are not what they appear to be..(pretty pathetic, cuz most ppl probably know it already) No matter how perfect something is, things will always change and in most cases, things will appear to be totally different. Also, you can never judge a person until you truly know that person. And I mean, really really, truly know that person. The more you associate with someone, the more you realize about a person.