Now, as she sits in her office rubbing her temples, it's all CJ can do not to laugh at herself. Not more than five minutes ago, she was close to tears because the US is helping the Qumari government. And now she's fighting back tears for a completely different reason. Toby.
He had showed up at her last briefing, even after she'd made a fool of herself in front of the veterans. For a moment there, he was the man he was twenty years ago, and she was the idealistic girl who loved him. She knows they aren't those people anymore. There is a marriage, a divorce, and an administration bewteen Toby and CJ and the people they used to be. But he had given her the sign; their sign. Before Andi and Bartlet, it had means, "I'm sorry and I love you." So now, here she sits, a fourty-year-old press secretary, acting like a school girl wondering if the guy she likes, likes her back.
She loves him, that much she knows for sure. She always has. Even when he was with Andi and she was with Ben, she loved Toby. She was able to supress her feelings during the Bartlet for America Campaign because of Andi. She supressed her feelings in the years following the campaign to save the administration from the controversy that a relationship between the Communications Director and the Press Secretary would create. Seeing Toby in the back of the briefing room had caught CJ off guard, and it had shattered all the walls she'd built up over the years. She didnt' notice when he followed her out of the briefing room, and she doesn't see him standing in her doorway now.
Toby's been standing in her door for the last few minutes, watching her try to collect her thoughts. He can tell by the way she's sitting that she's fighting back tears. Toby clears his throat to get her attention. "CJ, can I talk to you?" CJ looks up at Toby and he watches as she puts her game face on. "You're the boss, Toby." She motions for Toby to sit down. He sits on her couch instead of the chair in front of her desk, hoping she'll sit with him. She doesn't. "I caught your last briefing. You did well."
CJ nods, no longer looking at Toby. "We were worried about how you would deal with the thing." CJ sighs and leans back in her chair as she responds to Toby. "Toby, I've been dealing with 'things' since the beginning of this administration. Why should this 'thing' be any different?" Toby tries to get CJ to look him in the eyes, but she won't. "I spoke with Nancy before the briefing."
CJ sighs; she's been trying to forget her conversation with Nancy McNally since her brifing. Toby clearly won't let that happen. "Nancy McNally has a big mouth." Toby is shocked at the ice in CJ's voice. He can tell she's still trying to pull herself together. She would never speak about the National Security Advisor like that if she were her normal self.
"Nancy's concerned, CJ. She says you're letting this arms deal with Qumar get to you." CJ laughs an incredulous laugh. "Why wouldn't this get to me, Toby? They beat the women; they despise women. We treat them like the good guys, but they are beating the women." Toby sighs. "CJ, we need--"
CJ cuts him off, having already heard this argument from Nancy and still not believing it. "Don't, Toby. Don't you dare tell me that we need the Kaleefa Air Force Base, because we don't! It's convenient. That's the only reason Nancy made the deal. We're supporting a country that treats women like trash because it's convenient."
"CJ, I agree that this sucks. But, I still don't understand why you're taking this personally." She laughs again. "I'm a woman, Toby." Toby's not buying it. "Nancy's a woman, CJ." Never in his life has Toby seen such an obvious statement hit CJ like his just did--she looks like someone has just hit her. CJ stands and looks out the window, turning her back to Toby, before she replies.
"Well, I think I know more than Nancy about what these women are going through." Tears start streaming down her face, and she hopes that Toby doesn't notice. He does. "CJ, you know...Oh, my God! CJ...look at me." She turns to face her boss and friend of almost twenty years, no longer caring about the tears streaming down her face. "Tell me, CJ. You need to talk about this. You need to get this off your chest. Why do you understand what these women are going through?"
She thinks for a moment before beginning. She has never told anyone what he's asking her to tell him now, and she needs to find the right words. "It was after you told me you were marrying Andi. I met this guy who reminded me of you, who made me feel alive and who wasn't engaged. I made myself believe we were in love. Then, when he started hitting me, I put up with it because I believed he truly loved me and was truly sorry when he apologized. He stopped hitting me when we found out I was pregnant, and everything was okay for a while. We were going to get married and everything was going to be okay."
Toby watches as CJ relives her painful past. It is like he is watching her shatter. He can't understand how a man could hit a woman, and he is furious now that he knows that a man has hit the woman he has loved for almost twenty years. She's not finished with her story, though. "One night, he came home drunk. That night, he broke down the door. He raped me and beat me within an inch of my life because I had refused to give him what he thought was rightfully his. Afterwards, when the nurses at the hospital told me I had lost the baby, I vowed never again to put up with abuse of any kind. He made me feel worthless and he killed my baby. No woman should ever have to go through something like that."
Toby sits in silence, shocked at when CJ has just told him. Finally, he finds his voice. "Why didn't you call me?" CJ wipes the tears from her eyes as she speaks. "Why, so you could fly across the country to rescue me? How would Andi have felt about that?" Toby stands and walks over to where CJ is standing. "You could have called me, CJ."
"I dealt with it, Toby. That which doesn't kill you..." Wordlessly, Toby pulls a crying CJ into an embrace. She doesn't pull away as he thought she would. Instead, she wraps her arms around him and pulls him closer, crying on his shoulder. He holds her and lets her cry. She sobs for the baby she lost, for the women of Qumar, and for the woman she used to be.
When she's all cried out, Toby leads her over to the couch. She rests her head on his chest and pulls her legs up on the couch. "Toby, can you just hold me? Can we just forget about work for a while?" How can Toby refuse CJ when she looks up at him and shows just how vulnerable she is? "Of course."
He wants to tell her that he'd do anything for her, that he loves her, and that everything will be all right. But, she doesn't need to hear that right now. She needs to be held and to feel safe, and that's exactly what Toby is planning on doing. Making her feel safe, and holding her until she is okay.
After a few minutes, CJ's breathing becomes regular and Toby knows that she's fallen asleep on his chest. Carol peeks her head in the door, but Toby shakes his head and she leaves. Work can wait.