dreams

Analyze this: I dream in detail... I rarely know what they mean, sometimes I can trace them back to events or thoughts I had the previous day. On July 30th, this is what I woke up and remembered:

I was swimming in a large bathtub at my moms house. There were so many mirrors around it that I could actually watch myself swim and hold my breath and I remember watching my hair flow underwater. The phone rang, so I jumped out to catch it. My freshmen year college roommate, Kendra, who I haven't seen since we moved out of the dorm was there, peeing like a boy off of the loft... right onto my parents living room. She told me that Matt was on the phone. Matt is the guy that won my heart that first year of college, and we dated till the summer before my junior year. I was standing in the bathroom, wrapped in a towell and he asked me to the movies, he said there was something he wanted to tell or show me... (my memory of the dream is slipping already.) I hesitated to give him an answer, but I agreed. As soon as I hung up the phone I rushed to put clothes on. My parents got home, as if from a long journey. (They are actually on vacation right now.) They too wanted to go to a movie with me, and I agreed to go. Knowing that I had said yes to both I remember being worried. My mom was ready to go, my dad was yelling from downstairs for me to hurry, I remember his frustration.. it made me tense. I yelled down for them to go ahead without me since my hair was still wet and I would make them late. They left, and I felt relief knowing that I was going to see Matt. I don't remember finishing getting ready.. but all the sudden after my parents left I sat at a desk listening to music, it was rap/hip hop stuff. I called his house and his sister Emily answered, she was so friendly, and I remember being nervous as to how she would treat me since the brake-up. She asked me about my music... and for some reason I sat the phone down and started working on something at my desk.. then suddenly remembered they were still on the line. When I picked up the phone, I could hear a bunch of people laughing.. I said hello, like I had forgotten who was on the line. His stepdad answered and somewhere in the conversation he told me that they had given Matt a Trans Am for graduation. I acted so happy and said how wonderful that was.. even though I thought it was cool, but not as cool as I put on. Then in my dream, poof I was there... sitting in their living room of their home (but it didn't look like their living room) and they were all there (mom, stepdad, Emily, and 2 guys I didnt' know that were somehow a part of the family.) I felt fairly comfortable there, I don't understand why I would. But I was on a couch, kind of out of the way, sitting with my legs underneath me. The phone rang, I answered it. It was the pastor of their church. I asked if he had seen Matt because I was waiting on him. The pastor told me that there had been a terrible accident. That he had a chance to visit with Matt prior to the incident, then Matt drove off in his Trans Am and was in a terrible car wreck. All the people in the room could see the horror on my face and asked me what was wrong. I hung up and wanted to cry.. but couldn't tell the family what I knew. I sucked it up and told them not to worry about it, that everything was going to be okay. I smiled and they went on talking about whatever... a little later, Matts mom turned to me, worried, she asked in front of everyone who was on the phone and where her son wast. I told her that I didnt' want to say, after the rest of the family prauded to know I said that it was probablly a mistake, and I'm sure everything is okay, but it was the pastor on the phone... and he said that after visiting with Matt that he was in a car wreck and died. I opened a square envelop that was handed to me. It had my name on it and it resembeled a wedding invitation but was actually the declaration of a death. In anguish I cried and gripped the note, I kept saying This Must Be a Joke over and over again. They freaked out and as they jumped in their cars, one of the men turned to me in the drive way. I stood there weeping and he yelled that I was no good, and that I left Matt for another and that I shall no longer be welcome in thier house, in fact I shouldn't show my face around at all. I felt so much hurt at that moment. Emily pulled up in an SUV and opened the passenger door and urged me to jump in. I saw Madeline running by, so I grabbed her because I knew that if I left her she would never find the way home. We drove over to Emily's home. We were the first of the family to arrive, she calmly showed me the pillow cases she had made. Her mom came in next and asked how we could think about pillows at a time like this... I had never stopped thinking about the accident. Along with the family, I stood at the scene of the accident. I don't remember seeing the bloody victims but it was dark, there were flashing lights of emergency victims, and bodies laid on the ground covered in white sheets. The one that was Matt was picked up and folded in half. It was placed on a shelf in the back of a big white truck. I rode back there with the body, along with a man in a white jump suit. The man told me that even though the victims are pronounced dead, that they sometimes have nerve flexes and the bodies move, and if they do, they have to shoot the person through the bag and put them out of thier misery. That thought scared me, and I hoped that Matts body didn't flinch. Then all the sudden, together with the family, I walked into a room that held many other families that were in mourning also. They stood in a line, waiting to walk by a metal chain that was laying across black velvet fabric. There was a sign that explained the chain to be part of the mission that all the students were on when the accident happened. The pastor was first, and touched the chain where index cards of the students names were hanging. He grabbed matts index card and with much sadness he rubbed the index card across a cross that he wore around his neck and then touched the card to the nipple of a metal statue of a naked woman. Then I remember feeling a queeziness in my stomach, the hurt, anger, regret and sorrow filled my body and I could not think of anything else. Huge wooden double doors from behind the chain suddenly burst open and dark greasy oil came pouring out over all of us. The entire room was flabbergasted and didnt' know what to think. Then a few seconds later, covered in grease, 3-4 young, hunky child stars from all my old favorite sitcoms including Famiy Ties and Growing Pains came walking out towards us, they were puzzeled as to why we were crying over them being dead. The families rushed to hug their child... and there, in the back comes walking Matt, with a grin on his face.. I remember how it felt to be embrassed by his arms and his hands that knew me. It was so relieving, and that guy from Matts family that had rebuked me apologized. I stood back and watched the family swarm around Matt and hug him.... it was a cruel joke, one that should never be repeated. A joke, it was all a joke... for what? I don't know. I was then sitting in my bathroom again, washing off my oil stained clothes with a wet washcloth when I heard my dads voice behind me. He said that Matt must have really meant something to me since his death affected me the way it did... He left, and I was there to sit and think about it by myself. I looked at my pitiful grease covered face in the mirror, my hair slicked down with goop and over my reflection was a message written in red lipstick. I don't know if it was a message from Matt, but it seemed like it was familure to me... maybe something I wrote when I was in pain. All I remember seeing was the big word LOVE underlined with astericks in front and behind it. I never got to spend any time with matt, I knew in my dream that I would never see him again. I was somewhat okay with that, I knew that I could never get back with someone who treated me the way he did at the end of our relationship. I had regrets about the time we were together in college. I reminded myslef that I gave EVERYTHING to that relationship and it still wasn't enough to keep us together and that if your not Meant for one another... there is nothing you can do to make it work. I was upset about everything... the way I felt the summer before my junior year.
Then I woke up... upset.

Do you know what this dream means? I wake up almost every morning with memories of such in depth and random dreams. My stomach is still turning and my heart still feels like its being squeezed. I think I could cry, cry hard at any time right now. I am awake now... I don't know why there is a salty tear running down my left cheek, or why my nose burns, and my eyes are tearing up as I type this. There is a lot from that college relationship that I loved, and much much more that I hated. He would pick me up with hand picked flowers. He once told me that I make him miserable. We used to sit by the pond on campus and talk and laugh till 4 or 5 in the morning. He took my most precious gift, I gave it to him. He once chalked up the sidewalk in front of the freshmen girls dorm with pink chalk declaring his love for me. He is the one that betrayed me, and I have never felt more hatred in my life. I loved laughing with him. I hated fighting with him. I felt as if I could do Anything when he stood by my side. As my parents found out how our relationship really was, they disapproved of us. I never felt truly welcomed at his parents home all through the 2 years we were together. I loved being loved by him. I loved loving him, spoiling him, making him happy. I hated not having anyone. I still hate not having anyone.