I must keep my consciousness. If only I could move. I may yet have a chance to escape before...well, I suppose it's too late for 'before'. The fire in the stove must have gone out...they left the door open...it's getting colder. Yet I can feel the sweat on my forehead; or is that more blood? It doesn't matter anymore...
The only thing that mattered to Kina Main at that moment was the doll. Across the room, leaning against a broken chair leg, was a small rag doll. Its hair was made of golden-yellow yarn and its eyes were little black buttons. The smile was sown on with thread but had been ripped into a frown. It wore a blue-bell dress that was hand sown with white ruffles around the edge. It was worn with use. The middle had been flattened from thousands of hugs and the stuffing in the cheeks was showing from hundreds of kisses.
Kina watched as the dark red river reached the hem of the dress. The fabric soaked up the red coloring and she watched as the blue slowly began to disappear beneath the onslaught of new color. Blood dripped from a broken beam and dyed the hair and forehead. Kina stared into the button eyes with more intensity than she had ever felt in her life. This doll was, by every definition, her soul-mate.
The room began to fill with a strange heat. As the fire spread across the floor, the ceiling was clouded with smoke. The heat was getting closer. She could feel her back burning. Where the fire had come from, and who had started it, she didn't know and didn't care. The pain shot through her body as the combination of freezing cold and burning hot took over, but her eyes never left the button eyes. There was a strange comfort in those eyes. A feeling of friendship and memory. Looking into the fabric face that brought joy to a lonely child made the fear and pain not only bearable, but pleasant. It wasn't the pain that she enjoyed, it was the moment. Had it not been for the pain and the cause of the pain, she would never have fallen into such an honest relationship.
The smell of burning flesh was thick in the air. It frightened her to think about which one of them was burning. Mother? Father, perhaps? The room was still. Only the sound of the fire burning broke the silence. No one screamed. Kina wondered if it was because they were all dead or because they had all given up. She broke eye contact with the doll and immediately regretted it. The devastation she saw pained her more than her physical injuries.
Above her, in the upper corner of her eye she could see a hand. A small hand with tiny fingers. She couldn't see it well enough to tell if there was an arm or even a body attached. She only saw the hand. Her eyes swept back around to her lower body. Her bare feet lay in a thick pool of blood, whose she was afraid to find out, and her toes were purple. She silently wondered what had possessed her to kick the stove over. It only seemed to make things worse. A small line of blood trailed from her left big toe across her other foot and added to the already vast ocean of crimson. Her right leg was broken and the bone had almost pushed it's way through the skin. Blood flowed over her calf like a mountain stream. Her white dress was ripped and soaked with blood and what little remained barely covered her bruised torso. Her eyes went back to the doll and her peace returned.
You know what I thought when I noticed my dress? A deep pain, but not on my body. It was my heart. The skirt lay spread across my thighs where the satin had started fraying from being ripped; The skin on my bare stomach is almost burning from the blood and fire; and my shirt, or what's left of it, is hanging loosely over my breasts. I can feel the gash along my collar bone. It has broken open � must be from the heat � I can feel a new wave of blood rush down my chest. My hair is strung across my face, stringy and dirty. I can feel blood dripping off my eye lashes and down my cheek. I can taste blood in my mouth and my nose feels broken. Most of the floor is covered now. My poor flowers will be more than drowned by now; I�m almost drowned now. I don�t care anymore�It doesn�t matter�
Kina�s head was pounding and her sight was blurring. The black button eyes were fading in and out of sight as her brain threatened to sink into the blackness. She started to wonder what was worse: red or black. The fire had stretched out around her and was still spreading. She wondered how much of the village would be affected by the fire. She hoped that the other villagers had seen the raiders coming and ran. If only she had. Though, she had been busy. The doll knew, she was there, she had a front row seat for everything. And now they lay together soaking in their own private blood bath, sharing a personal moment that no one else could violate. She felt herself fading. With all of the strength she had left, she shifted her body weight slightly and pulled her right arm out from under her. It was badly bruised, but still she stretched it out and as her eyes closed, wrapped her fingers tightly around the tiny stuffed foot.
It�s just us�you and me�just us�
Kina woke with something soft around her though she was afraid to open her eyes. She imagined that the soft was heaven and she was laying clouds. Could there be soft things in hell? Surely not. She started to shift her weight.
�No, don�t move!�
Kina jumped when she heard the voice and pain clenched her body. So it was not heaven. Heaven had no pain; but if it was hell, would anyone try and spare her pain? Her eye lids felt heavy when she tried to open them. Her eyes fluttered open none the less and looked upon a blurry figure. She blinked twice and her vision cleared. Standing over her was a man with a worried look on his face. His eyes quickly locked to hers and when she focused, she realized he was smiling. Kina thought he was an angel. After all, he was tall � six feet at least � and his eyes reflected the color of an ocean at sunset, a soft orangey-gold. And with the sun from the window reflecting off of his golden blond hair, how could she think anything but; It was because of these things that he wasn�t frightened of him.
Breaking eye contact with the unknown man, Kina looked around the room. Her body was covered with a thick down blanket, quilted with scarped of old fabric. It was warm and soft against her skin. She was nude save for bandages. Her eyes followed the bed to the wooden foot posts where a blue knit blanket hung over the edge and over-lapped a large trunk opposite the door. She turned her head to the side where the man stood. A small chair sat very close to the bed with a worn pillow and a ratty blanket on top.
She turned her gaze to the window behind the chair. She could see a clothesline just outside where the remains of her dress hung. It was blood stained and torn. She moved her head back level and looked back at the man. He seemed kind, his eyes said that. Kina felt nervous about being alone with him. But what could she do? Moving hurt and she didn't think she would get very far anyway. She tried to form words but her throat was dry and tight.
"Here, let me assist you." He reached over to her pillows and helped her to sit up while remaining covered.
He picked up a small bowl and brought it to her lips. The water poured into her mouth before she realized he had moved, but when the liquid wet her lips she gulped it down. It burned her throat but she was grateful for it. She finished the bowl and made another attempt at speech only to hear a rasp emerge from her throat.
"I understand that you must be confused." The man said softly. "Let me explain: I and my lads happened upon your village some three days ago. Your church was burning. It was not the first burning church we had seen, with the raiders roaming the country side, but usually the inhabitants are long dead. When we looked inside, we found you. You were the only survivor, so we took you in. My wife has been caring for you. I hope that you don't mind my being here without her. She asked me to watch you while she stepped out for more herbs. We did not expect you to wake. Perhaps I will leave..."
"What of the doll?" Kina choked out.
"Doll?" He asked, stunned.
She nodded and suddenly felt panicked. What if it burned? The man looked puzzled for a moment, then he stood and walked over to a small cupboard. He pulled open the door and came back over to the bed. In his hand was the doll.
"Could this be what you want?" He asked.
Kina grabbed it and clutched it to her breast with tears in her eyes.
The man nodded. "I see." He smiled then blushed when he realized her lunge had knocked her blanket down. He quickly turned around and began muttering apologies. Kina wasn't listening. Her eyes were fixed on the doll. She was complete again. From the doll, her eyes found her own body. Her breasts were bound tightly with white bandages and the gash along her collar bone was sewn together; eight stitches at least. She could feel bandages covering most of her body and her broken leg throbbed slightly.
"Th-Thank you." She whispered pulling the blanket over her chest.
He stopped his apologies and turned to look at her. He bowed his head and smiled. "Of course, though it is my wife you should thank. T'was she who repaired you. And I am told she is repairing your garments-"
"I do not wish to see those remains again." Kina interrupted.
The man closed his mouth in stunned silence. He nodded solemnly. "Ai, Milady. I will see to it personally. The material will be destroyed."
Kina relaxed her grip on the doll and breathed deep.
My leg hurts. I can feel it throb. There. And there again. Why won't it stop? I can't feel my toes either. I can see them there, under the blanket, and they aren't moving. But I'm moving them. But their still. How much of this will I be forced to endure? How much more pain? My cheek is wet. I can feel tears. My eyes are blurry. I can't cry. What will he think?
My thighs are sore. I think I pulled a muscle. I suppose that is what happens when you fight it. I probably would have been fine if I had only opened my legs willingly. No. No, I would not be fine. Because it still would have happened. My whole body feels dirty. Covered with filth no liquid can remove. My stomach feels queasy. And the skin burns. My breasts feel bruised. I look like a boy with all of these bandages. At least the bandages cover my chest. Did he put them on? Or perhaps it was his wife. I wonder. Would it matter at this point?
My head hurts. I can feel bandages around it. What did I hit my head on? I don't remember. It doesn't matter now.
The man cleared his throat and threw Kina out her thoughts.
"Perhaps I should leave you to rest." He bowed. "Should you need me for any reason, ask for Thomas Erriam."
She smiled for the first time since she woke up and nodded. "I'm Kina." She whispered.
"Kina." He repeated and smiled. "My wife will be in to see you shortly, Kina."
Kina nodded as he left the room.
Kina was bed ridden for the rest of autumn and through the winter. It wasn't until the first snow fall that she was able to leave the house. Sarah Erriam was a kind woman and cared for Kina in her helpless moments. Tom -- as he was called -- took care of food and supplies while Sarah cared for the house.
When the first flower of spring bloomed. Tom and Sarah loaded Kina into a carriage for the return journey to Kina�s village.
�I�m glad you are well Kina. You seem to heal quickly.� Sarah smiled.
Kina nodded. �I am loved.� She whispered and held the doll tightly to her.
Sarah nodded and Tom smiled. �As are we all.� They said in unison.
The carriage rode slowly at first and carefully picked up speed. Sarah drove the horses while Tom rode along side. Sarah and Tom conversed and Kina heard but did not listen. Her attention was on the doll and the passing scenery.
I remember this river. It�s where I got water for mother as a child. There, I climbed that tree with the children in the village. We�re getting close. I will soon be home. But will it be the same? Am I the same? My loved ones are gone. Is there any point to return? I have no one left in the village. No real connection. Will they want me? Will the other villagers allow me to stay? There is the farm of Lord Skaw and his family. We�re getting closer. I can see the hill where I learned to ride a horse. Just up and over. And we will be home...We will be home...
The carriage moved slowly over grass and slightly struggled up the hill. Kina was looking down at her lap as the wheels rolled up and over the peek. She took a deep breath in and smiled to herself. As soon as she looks up, she will be home, but her head remained bent. She wasn't sure if she wanted to be home yet. Perhaps if she just remained focused on her lap she could stop time, just long enough to move on. But then, can you move on if time has stopped?
The carriage slowed to a stop and Kina heard Tom rear his horse and ride at a quick gallop into the village. She wondered why Sarah had gotten off her seat and was shouting something Kina couldn't hear -- or wouldn't listen to. She stared into the button eyes of the doll and finally looked up. Smoke and ash was all that remained of the small village. Frozen and half eaten bodies littered the ground and the huts and gardens were burned. Tom now searched what remained of the houses for survivors and Sarah was fishing through her bag pulling out herbs and vials.
Tom came out of the last standing house, Lord Skaw's house, and approached Kina.
�There is no one left alive. I am sorry Kina.� He said.
�The raiders must have returned to finish their task. Such a small village, why would they bother?�
�Small village with a large church. It is clear everyone in this village was a member of it, see all the crosses?� He motioned around to houses. �The raiders have never left a town alone with a large church.�
�But why?� Kina whispered.
Tom sighed. �We do not know. Perhaps they believe the churches to hold the most money. Perhaps they wish to destroy the Christian faith. It is unknown. We only know their patterns.�
Kina didn�t respond. She only stared at the village. She clutched the doll tightly to her as she looked at the place the grew up.
I remember, I used to help Lord Skaw and his wife with their garden. They never could keep their radishes alive. And there, in the village square, all of the children would play. I can still hear them laughing. They would chaise Ollie, the town cat. Over there, on that stone near the church, that�s where I would sit and watch them. Listen to them laugh. It�s sad to think: They will never laugh again. Will I ever laugh again?
Tom and Sarah were still talking but Kina niether listened nor cared to listen. She climbed down from the carriage and limped into the village. She thought she heard Tom and Sarah make a move to stop her but they never came to her so she couldn�t be sure. She walked slowly through the town and mourned silently for each personal landmark she saw. She stopped at the foot of a long stair case. Her eyes followed them up to the large front door to the church. She hesitated. Her eyes found the flowers she had planted. The dirt around them was stained red, but the plants were growing. The tallest had a small purple bud. Life in the midst of death.
Most of the blood had soaked into the wood or run through the cracks and the fire had gone out. But the bodies were still there. Her mother, her father, her grandparents, the children she cared for during church services, and the baby, she could not have been more than three, laying near the broken chair. The bodies were both burnt and frost-bitten. Each face held so much emotion and so many memories.
Looking up, she saw one body that held more emotion than any of the others. Far in the back corner was Edward. Kina walked slowly to him and fought the urge to run out of the church. Kneeling, she gently touched his forehead. It was cold. Most of his body was badly burned and his legs and arms had been nibbled by rats. His face was covered with dry blood and his eyes were frozen open. His unblinking gaze pierced straight into Kina. She reached over and closed his eyes.
�So short a life together.� She whispered to him. �I�m sorry...�
She stood and walked to the half burned altar where the priest lay dead, a rusty knife still in his chest. She looked up at the half burned cross hanging on the wall and sighed.
All of this death and decay in such a holy place. I thought this was a sanctuary. Maybe it still is. Amongst the death, we have peace. All of these people have rest. Nothing can harm them anymore. They are in a safe place. And the flowers, they live despite the chaos. I look out, and I can see the bodies of my loved ones. The people who meant more to me than anything. And there, my betrothed, lying on the floor. All I ever wanted was to be a wife. It was what I had spent my life training for. Why do I not feel upset? Sad? Why do I not feel anything? Because, the bodies mean nothing. The soul and spirit have left these shells. The ones I once knew are no longer here.
I look here at the altar. Why? Why have I been chosen for this trial? Have I done anything special to bring attention to myself? Or perhaps I have done something wrong, or not well enough, so I am being trained for more difficult times. Though I can not see what would be more difficult than this. But how can I see? I am a mortal. I was never meant to see. I will miss those who have been taken, who have left. I know that they are where they ought to be. I accept this as my role. I know what I must do.
Kina looked down at the doll in her hands. It was strange to her, how one doll, something so small and innocent, something not even real, could save her life. And it had. It was the innocents of a child�s play-thing that kept her mind calm. It was the numbing affect of the doll that got her through the hard times.
She looked back up at the cross on the wall. A smile came to her lips. She looked back at the doll. With a smile she gently kissed it�s forehead and set it down at the foot of the cross. It was time for another lost soul to find comfort from innocents. She no longer needed it. It was time for more adult things.
She turned and left the church swiftly. She did not look at the bodies as she left, she didn�t need to anymore. Tom and Sarah were waiting for her outside, both looked worriedly up at her when she emerged.
�Are you well, Kina?� Sarah asked softly.
�Nay. I am not well. But as sure as the sun shall rise, I shall be.� Kina turned and looked up at the church steeple and whispered to herself. �I shall be.�
