By: M.L. Johnson
Anna and Drake had always believed in honesty, which Anna had always appreciated. Truth be told, she still appreciated it, even as Drake was confessing his one-night-stand. Drake had been pacing the apartment while Anna slept in the bed nearby. Anna woke when he sat next to her.
�I�m going for a walk to try and get tired.� He said.
�Are you okay?� Anna asked, slightly drowsy.
�Yeah, I just can�t sleep.�
Anna considered asking if he wanted her company but thought better of it. He probably wanted to be alone. Instead, she kissed him and told him to be careful.
He smiled and nodded.
�I will.� He got up and walked over to the computer to turn it off. On the screen was an instant message from a name Anna couldn�t read from the bed. As he closed it out, Anna sat up slightly.
�Who were you talking to?� She asked.
�Oh, it was just Lizzy. She can�t sleep ether so I�m going to meet her.�
�Oh� Anna slumped down.
Drake stopped putting his coat on and sat on the bed.
�Are you mad that I�m meeting her?�
Anna smiled and shook her head.
�Of course not. What were you two talking about?�
�Several things,� He said, �Mostly you. I told her how you felt about the three-some we�d been messing around with and that you�d prefer if it stopped.�
�Was she mad?�
�I don�t think so. I told her we could talk about it on the walk.�
Anna nodded and smiled.
�Have fun.�
While Drake and Lizzy were having their �walk�, Anna dreamed of her wedding day. It was at the reception and she was with her new husband. Looking down at her body she realized she wasn�t in her wedding dress. With a quick kiss to Drake, she left to change back into it. On her way to the dressing room, she was grabbed from behind and raped. The next few minutes were a blur and then her husbands arms were around her, calming her shaking body, swearing he would protect her.
Anna opened her eyes and saw Drake sitting on the bed next to her.
�Oh,� She smiled. �Your back.�
He nodded.
�How was your walk?�
�The walk was good.�
�Where did you go?�
�Just around the campus.�
�Oh,� Anna sat up and rubbed her eyes. �I�m glad you had fun.�
He nodded. �But I have to apologize.�
Anna blinked. �Okay. What for?�
�Things went a little far. With Lizzy.�
Anna searched her husbands eyes for a moment.
�How far?�
�Well,� Drake shifted. �I didn�t cum in her.�
That�s when the feeling set in. It was then she was thrown from a dream into the harsh realness of reality. Drake apologized about a hundred times that night before they fell asleep. He told her he loved her, that the sex was meaningless, he was only helping out a friend, all the things the cheating husband is suppose to say; And maybe she was wrong, but she believed him.
The next morning, after Drake had left for work, Anna went to her husbands computer and sat down before it. She began her usual routine and signed into her instant messenger. She scrolled down the list of names and paused on one in particular. Lizzy Barton.
Anna debated with herself for a few moments. Should she say anything to her? Or maybe she should just wait until she calmed down a bit. Wait until the shock had worn off and she could think more clearly. She finally clicked on the name and the individual conversation window opened up. She paused with her fingers hovering over the keys for a few more moments. Her right middle finger struck the �I� key and before she knew it she was typing a sentence. The more she typed the more angry she felt. She knew she should have waited. Oh well, it was too late now.
I have one thing and one thing only to say to you. I forgive you but I will never forget.
She closed the window and opened another to check her email before she got dressed for her first college class. A few moments later the same conversation window popped up with a response.
I am so sorry. I feel like complete shit.
Anna stared at the screen for a moment before typing her own reply.
I have nothing else to say to you at the moment. I need time to think.
Again she closed it and Lizzy did not reply. Anna sighed and finished with her email and began to cook herself breakfast. When she came back into the room there was another instant message from Lizzy.
I swear one thing to you although your husband probably already said it, IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN
Anna sighed again.
I know it won�t, she replied.
I cried all night, Lizzy typed. I swore when we started that I would not let this happen and then it happened anyway.
Anna typed back that she understood about that. The same thing had happened when she and her husband were dating. She knew how one thing could lead to another even though the parties involved knew better.
I have this complex, Lizzy continued, where I have to have everyone around me happy weather I�m happy or not and I�m now placed in something that feels like its killing me from the inside because I�ve thrown it completely out of balance and no one is happy.
Suddenly, Anna felt like she was a councilor. She told Lizzy that unhappiness isn�t necessarily a bad thing and that it�s good to go through bad times because it makes us appreciate the good times.
But you don�t understand, Lizzy argued. I suggested it as a joke, the sex I mean, and then it got out of hand from the beginning. If I�d been smarter or kept my mouth shut you wouldn't hate me right now; I wouldn't hate myself.
You shouldn�t hate yourself. Anna replied. It was as much his fault as it was yours. In some ways I think it was even my fault a little bit.
They talked solemnly after that for a few minutes. Idol chit-chat about commercials they thought were funny and their favorite shows.
Hey, Lizzy typed, do you want to grab lunch? I�ll pay, and we can talk.
Anna hesitated. She wasn�t sure she was ready to grab lunch with this woman yet. Not yet.
I have class, she typed back. It wasn�t a lie. Her day was very busy.
Then tomorrow?
My only free day is Wednesday morning. Anna finally typed. That would give her a week to process everything.
Alright sounds good. I�ll talk to you later then. Bye.
Anna sighed and remained still for a moment. At least she was able to have a decent conversation with Lizzy. She was proud of herself for that. Most women she knew would have yelled at Lizzy and told her to never show her face around her husband again; but Anna knew better. She knew that yelling, for the most part, was pointless. She also knew that if she hadn�t talked it out, her friendship with Lizzy would not have a chance at rekindling. She still wasn�t sure she wanted it too, but if it turned out she did, she wasn�t going to ruin it for her in the future. Anna�s mind was clouded all day. While her history teacher was talking about the Dulles Brothers and their containment issue, she was picturing her husband on top of Lizzy. It wasn�t an image she wanted, and she tried to concentrate on her professor, but the image was there, burned into her eye lids. Later, in government, while her teacher spoke of republicans versus democrats in election years, she was imagining her husbands lips joined with Lizzy�s.
I have to get rid of this feeling, she thought.
She pulled out her notebook and, even as the teacher spoke, began writing. What she was writing, even she didn�t know. All she knew was that these emotions had to get out some how and this was the only way she could manage it. How did she feel about it? She knew she wasn�t angry. Or was she? If she was, she had never been this kind of angry before. This kind of angry hurt. It felt like a pain. Like a knife in her stomach. Every time the image of her husband with Lizzy flashed in her head, the knife was pushed a little deeper.
She felt numb. She couldn�t feel anything other than the sharp twinge in her gut. It was like she was a zombie. She was smiling and laughing with her friends as they�d pass her, but inside she felt dead. No, she wasn�t dead. If she were the pain wouldn�t be there. No, death wasn�t the answer she was looking for. It was too easy. Her feelings were far more complex.
Her mind went into a swirl of possibilities and situations. She was the scorned lover. Her husband had cheated on her. But could you really call it cheating? After all, this was the same woman they had fooled around with in a threesome. Could you still call that cheating? Even if it was, Anna didn�t like that word. Her husband was a good man and she refused to call him a cheater.
She thought about the mistakes she had made in the past. She too had cheated. And her Drake, who was only a boyfriend at the time, had handled it very well. He was hurt and angry at her, but he didn�t push her away. Yes, her cheating occurred on the internet, but it was cheating just the same. Because she had done it to him, did she really have a right to be mad at him? Was this just fate punishing her for her past crime against him? Perhaps it was, perhaps it wasn�t.
She thought about all the fights she and Drake had gotten into in the past, most of which she had started, and how he always ran after her. Never once did he leave her to get over it like most men would do. Did she really have the right to leave him now? Did she even want to? After everything that they had been through together, she couldn�t drop it like yesterday�s newspaper. It meant far too much.
Love, she decided, means more than red roses and songs. True, the romance part is nice every once and a while, but that�s not love. Love is sticking together, no matter what obstacles get in your way. Love is trying to make things work, not bailing out when life hits a little turbulence.
Sliding the key into her apartment door that afternoon she smiled. She had always considered herself an adventurer. This, she decided, was the greatest adventure of all.
That night, Anna lay in bed with her notebook open in her lap. She was rereading what she spent most of the day on. A smile spread across her face when she heard the familiar sound of her husbands key in the lock. He walked in and looked tentatively at her. She smiled and they exchanged the typical welcome. She kissed him and asked him how his day went, he complained about how challenging it is to teach choir to junior high kids and then she got up and began making dinner. Not many words were exchanged between them about the happenings of last night but then there didn�t need to be. The old saying is �Love means never having to say you�re sorry�, but it�s more than that. Regardless of what went on between Drake and Lizzy, regardless of what would go on with Drake and Anna in the future; Anna knew that her love for Drake and his love for her would never fade and would never go away. That was enough to not only comfort her, but to help her move on. A smile spread across her face as she stirred the cooking hamburger meat and she laughed as she beat off Drake with a ladle because he tried to sneak a taste. Meanwhile, safe in her notebook, laid her innermost feelings -- tucked soundly in the safe of her heart.
It�s the road we take
Where everything changes:
The world in a quake.
When the people around you,
The ones that you love,
Are suddenly strangers
Aloof like a dove.
The pain that I feel
All bundled inside
Is the kind that is piercing
And straight to the mind.
It�s hard to look forward
When you keep looking back
Though back is where everything
Fell with a whack!
I know it was good
Though it may not be right
�Cause now I can learn
From the things of that night.
The past is important
Don�t ever forget
Remembrance is precious
Even the smallest
