Life makes no sense.

For two years, I’ve been alternately trying to snag and pushing away Liz Parker. She always came back. Until now. I think something happened, but I don’t know what, and she won’t tell me.

Months have passed, and though I can tell it hurts her, she’s been true to... something, refusing to return to my embrace. And the funny thing is... I’m not sure if I’d let her in anymore. We’ve been through too much, and I think I got a little too singed last time. Her and Kyle... that was a low blow.

Something is nagging at me, though. Something is telling me that, as much as I was hurt by her actions, that isn’t what’s keeping me from truly wanting her back. And I think I know what it is. But I don’t want to contemplate that.

What I felt with Liz was so intense. It made me feel as though I was on fire when we were kissing, and dumped in a bucket of ice water when we fought. I ache to go back to that place, where emotions reign and decisions are made by our hearts, but I’m afraid to face the truth that... it may not be there anymore.

Maybe what Liz and I had is over.

I can’t get her face out of my head. This happened to me with Liz for years and years, but it’s strange to have it happen with someone else. I don’t think I ever had a crush, except on Liz. And that started in third grade. Pathetic, huh?

Her hair is blond, sometimes curly and sometimes straight. I don’t know which is the natural state, but I don’t care, either. It would feel silky and soft on my fingers no matter what, I just know that.

Tess Harding is one of the most beautiful creatures on Earth. Which is sort of ironic, I suppose. But it’s true. She’s petite, small and curved and stunning. I guess I don’t go for leggy model-types, though, that’s more Alex’s thing.

Ugh, it’s hard to think of your sister in that context.

I have no idea what will happen to us. I pushed her away for so long, she may have no interest in me anymore. Maybe what I feel is just a different manifestation of the pain Liz caused me, and the feelings for her will be back.

I don’t think so, though. I think it’s over. Amazing and wonderful though it was, I think it’s time to say good-bye to my first love. We’re both ready.

I envy Michael so much sometimes. Maria’s not my type, I don’t think I could take that much chatter and frivolity, but hey, if she makes him happy, then I love her. There’s too much bad in Michael’s life, and not enough good. It’s time Fate cut him a break.

And I don’t think I’ve seen him happier than when he’s been gone for hours with Maria.

Unless, of course, they have a fight. Which occurs with alarming frequency. But I’ve had enough time to get used to their cycle now. Fight, then either insult-throwing or the silent treatment if they’re really mad, and then, usually for no apparent reason, they get back together.

Why am I talking about Michael’s love life? This is supposed to be about me. But, obviously, I’m playing a nice game of denial with myself. Don’t think about it Max, then it’ll go away. Oh, I wish.

Michael once told me that, “Life sucks. Get used to it.” I guess it’s pretty good advice. But it’s better advice when you’re able to look at it objectively, instead of when you have your emotions all tied up in it.

Ahhhhhh! I hate this! I’m a superbeing, right? I should be able to snap my fingers and see destiny and make an informed choice, right? That’s always what happens in the movies. But, alas, (who the hell uses that word, anyway?) reality don’t happen quite that way.

I’m going to go back to my original statement. Life makes no sense. And right now, I’m confused as hell.

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