You know, it’s funny. The guy, the man that I was crazily, deeply in love with, used to scare me. Never in a ‘He’s going to hurt me!’ way, but in a unexplained, unscientific way. And anything that can’t be explained by science has always unnerved me.

I’m slowly realizing that he’s not mine anymore, and at the same time, the horrible betrayal I felt when I saw him kiss Tess at the prom is fading, though the love never does. He was my first love, maybe my only, I don’t know. But I do know that I’ll love him forever, take him back for always. If I could.

The wound is healing, though. Leaving not a gaping hole in my heart, but instead, a special place where my first real, true, soul-deep love will live forever. Others may take his place in my life, but none can ever have his place in my being.

I’m moving on, letting go of that pain, consciously letting my heart heal. I think I held that wound open long enough, trying to let Max crawl back into the space, fill it almost fuller than comfortable, but finally, I couldn’t take it anymore, and I had to let go. Had to let it scab over and heal, slow as that process might be.

He’s doing the same, and I don’t blame him. What we had was so incredibly intense, that I can’t imagine allowing that wound to stay open for eternity. It could drive a person insane, truly.

Perhaps we’ll be together again. Perhaps we won’t. Maybe I’ll see Max in heaven, because for all the not-believing in God he does, I can’t think of another person more worthy of an eternity of peace and happiness. Max Evans is truly pure of soul, and I believe, practically incapable of evil.

Off the subject, I hope that Maria is happy with Michael, because he loves her to death. Lately, I know she’s been scared that he’s going to leave, and he will, someday. But I know how much more it hurts to not be with the one you love, than to love them, even when it comes with a guarantee that someday, they will leave.

And I hope that Maria never has to feel the pain of being apart from someone she loves, but I know she will. And the only thing I can do is be there for her. Which is something I’m not doing at the moment, and I feel terribly guilty, but I owe this investigation to Alex.

I owe it to him because no one else will do it. No one else believes that it was anything more than an accident, or worse, a suicide. If I don’t find out the truth, more people will get hurt, and I know that Michael will stay by Maria’s side in my absence, temporarily taking my place.

At least, I hope it temporary. I hope that this time, I haven’t truly gone too far, haven’t made her too mad to forgive. But I can’t let that cloud my judgment right now, or interfere with what I have to do.

Because I owe this to Alexander Charles Whitman, and I’m going to find out the truth, no matter how many people or aliens try to stop me. And this is part of what Max has taught me. He taught me to do what’s right.

You know, it’s funny. Once upon a time, I would have told you that Max was a traitor, and that he broke my heart, and that he’s not to be trusted. And still, he can hurt people, without realizing it, without meaning to, because we all look up to him, and expect what he says to always be the truth.

We don’t realize that he isn’t perfect. He’s just a person, like you or I. He may be the pod squad’s leader, but he isn’t perfect, and even though we’re estranged right now, he’s reasonable, and he’ll listen when I come back. Maybe not right away, but he will. Because Max Evans is truly a good person, and all the pain he causes, he only means to do what’s best for this world.

He realizes that sacrifices, from the humans, and from him, Michael, Isabel and Tess are necessary, and he’s taken action to see that they guard the world the best they can. And no matter how much he hurts me, sooner or later, I can always see the caring and necessity that he does it out of.

He never hurts me without need, or reason. And for that, I’m grateful. Because in that I will always be able to see the bright, shy young boy I met in third grade. The one who had such an open heart, was so easy to wound, but capable of more love than should be humanly possible.

The wounds between us, they will always heal. I’m incapable of remembering him as anything but kind, and wise and sweet. Though he hurts me, I can usually understand why, and when I can’t, I can trust that he had his reasons.

I don’t know how the wounds between him and Isabel will heal, though. They’re much, much deeper than the ones between us. She’s more hot-headed than I am, and she’s aching with the loss of her love. She’s irrational right now, and Max is having to be harsh with her.

Things will get said, and things will be done, before this is over, and by then, it might be too late. Too late for Isabel to realize that she can’t be selfish at the expense of the world, and too late for Max to realize that if he pushes on Isabel too hard, she might not help him, even if it did mean losing literally everything.

I hope it doesn’t come down to that, because Max Evans has the potential to be any amazing leader. But he’s young, and without experience, relying on his instincts, and abstract clues from an alien world millions of miles away.

This is the leader to whom the future of our world in in entrusted. He’s young, barely legally an adult, but he’s wise beyond his years, and though still ruled by the emotion of youth, he is capable of seeing past it when much is at stake.

He knows that his role may demand everything from him. He may have no friends, no sibling, no parents when this is over. But as long as the world is safe, Max Evans will do what is necessary.

And for that reason, and a billion others, this incredible young man whom I fell so deeply in love with, and whom will always have that place in my heart as my first real love, I do believe this with all my heart:

Max Evans is truly the best of both worlds.

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