India's different cultures by the numbers: For long, India's colonial rulers divided the country's population by the numbers. And as current-day politicians continue with that unholy task, here's a shortcut to make their work easier.
MALAYALEES
One Malayalee is a narial-pani shop.
Two Malayalees is a boat race.
Three Malayalees is a Gulf job racket.
Four Malayalees is an oil slick.
TAMILIANS
One Tamilian is a fugitive sandalwood
smuggler.
Two Tamilians is a suicide-bomb squad.
Three Tamilians is a classical music
school.
Four Tamilians is a Jayalalitha fan club.
ANDHRAITES
One Andhraite is a cycle-rickshaw driver.
Two Andhraites is a spice shop.
Three Andhraites is a Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites is the Telugu film
industry.
BENGALIS
One Bengali is a rosagulla shop.
Two Bengalis is a black-and-white movie.
Three Bengalis is a Mohun Bagan support
group.
Four Bengalis is a Marxist movement.
RAJASTHANIS
One Rajasthani is a cattle-seller.
Two Rajasthanis is a mason.
Three Rajasthanis is a puppet show.
Four Rajasthanis is a folk dance-drama.
GOANS
One Goan is Remo Fernandes.
Two Goans is a Feni distillery.
Three Goans is a football club.
Four Goans is an all-night-long beach
party.
MANGALOREANS
One Mangalorean is a supari seller.
Two Mangaloreans can't stand one another.
Three Mangaloreans is an Udupi restaurant.
Four Mangaloreans is a fanatical Konkani
Sabha.
BOMBAYITES
One Bombayite is a hawker.
Two Bombayites is a film industry.
Three Bombayites is a slum.
Four Bombayites is the rush-hour train
crowd.
MAHARASHTRIANS
One Maharashtrian is a bus conductor.
Two Maharashtrians is a kabaddi match.
Three Maharashtrians is a Ganpati
procession.
Four Maharashtrians is a Shiv Sena Shakha.
GUJARATIS
One Gujarati is a share broker in a Mumbai
train.
Two Gujaratis is the total chatter in a
Mumbai train.
Three
Gujaratis is a rummy game in a Mumbai train.
Four Gujaratis is a dandiya-raas session
all night long.
KUTCHIES
One Kutchi is a kirana shop.
Two Kutchis is a stationery shop.
Three Kutchis is a saree shop.
Four Kutchis is the entire Bombay retail
trade.
SARDARJIS
One Sardarji is a truck-driver.
Two Sardarjis is a roadside dhaba.
Three Sardarjis is a terrorist outfit.
Four Sardarjis are always found in jokes.
SINDHIS
One Sindhi is a currency racket.
Two Sindhis is a papad factory.
Three Sindhis is a duplicate goods shop.
Four Sindhis is a lot of gas around (yeech!).
BIHARIS
One Bihari is Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Two Biharis is a booth-capturing squad.
Three
Biharis is a caste killing.
Four Biharis is the total literate
population of the state.
BHAIYYAS
One Bhaiyya is a milkman.
Two Bhaiyyas is a chanawala (or panipuri wala).
Three Bhaiyyas is a temple-destruction
squad.
Four
Bhaiyyas is a halwai shop.
(And 12 Bhaiyyas is one SMALL family).
KASHMIRIS
One Kashmiri is a boatman.
Two Kashmiris is a carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris is a tourist agency.
Four Kashmiris is a terrorist outfit.
KANNADIGAS
One Kannadiga is a coffee estate.
Two Kannadigas is a Udupi restaurant.
Three Kannadigas is a pepper powder factor.
Four Kannadigas is an anti-Cauvery squad.
PUNJABIS
One Punjabi is chhole-bathure 5 times a
week.
Two Punjabis is one bottle of whisky in one
night.
Three Punjabis is a public fist-fight.
Four Punjabis is 200 kg of excess weight.
PARSIS
One Parsi is a sentence punctuated with
BC's and MC's.
Two Parsis is a doctor and a lawyer.
Three Parsis is a 75 year old man and his
two unmarried sisters.
Four Parsis is half their remaining
population.
PAKISTANIS
One Pakistani is one too many..............