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| ++40K FUNNIES++ |
| 40K JOKES
------ A squad of sisters of battle were all being inserted by drop ship. The male pilot comes on the radio and says "We are just entering the system now and will be landing at base alpha zero zero in an hour. the pilot forgets to switch off the intercom and turns to his male co-pilot and asks, "so what are you going to do when weve landed?" The co-pilot says "well firstly im gunna have a HUGE dump, 3 day anti-grav. flights don't do my bladder any good, then im gunna go see that new lt., you know, the one with the dark hair and huge breasts, take her out, wine her, dine her, then im gunna take her to my quarters...." and then proceeded to go into graphical detail of the nights animal-type loving. The new lt., horrified at the detail spewing from the speakers about various uses for the butt of the co-pilots plas-pistol, runs down the aisle to switch off the intercom, trips over a boltgun, and lands flat on her face. A new recruit sitting opposite turns and says "whho! calm down Maam! He's gotta have a shit first!" ----- 2 guardsman are yomping off to war when one says to the other "hey sarge, this lasguns heavy, I wish we had something lighter. The sarge, being a grizzled veteran of many wars lets the man in to a secret. You could kill grots just by pointing your finger at them and shouting ABANG ABANG ABANG! Because the grots know that when they hear that they are gonna die and so fall over dead to save themselves the bother. You must be joking sarge, he says, and thinks nothing more of it. War comes The guardsman runs out of ammo. In desperation he points his finger and shapes it like a gun. feeling rather stupid he shouts ABANG ABANG ABANG! And to his surprise he sees whole squads of grethin die! He proceeds to slaughter all of the gretchin horde with the exeption of one grot that is charging straight towards him. He shouts ABANG ABANG ABANG! nothing happens. rather confused he shouts louder ABANG ABANG ABANG! The next thing the guardsman remembers is being smashed flat by some awesome force, every bone in his body is crushed. The last thing he remembers is a small high pitched grotty voice squeeling ATANK ATANK ATANK! ATANK ATANK ATANK! ---- The Orks are entrenched in fortificatrions on a battlefield when they here some shouting from the enemy trenches. "One Space Marine is worth 10 Orks" So the orks cant let their 'good' name be slandered so the Boss sends ten orks to run to the enemy trench shouting "ere we go". After a couple of minutes the orks here a voice shout " One Space Marine is worth 50 orks". So the Boss sends fifty orks charging towards the enemy trenches. Ten minutes later a voice shouts " One Space marine is worth 100 Orks". So 100 orks charge into the enemy trench on the Boss's orders. 15 minutes later a solitary ork returns and reports to the Boss that " They cheated boss, there was two of um!". ----- A squad of sisters of battle were all being inserted by drop ship. The male pilot comes on the radio and says "We are just entering the system now and will be landing at base alpha zero zero in an hour. the pilot forgets to switch off the intercom and turns to his male co-pilot and asks, "so what are you going to do when weve landed?" The co-pilot says "well firstly im gunna have a HUGE dump, 3 day anti-grav. flights don't do my bladder any good, then im gunna go see that new lt., you know, the one with the dark hair and huge breasts, take her out, wine her, dine her, then im gunna take her to my quarters...." and then proceeded to go into graphical detail of the nights animal-type loving. The new lt., horrified at the detail spewing from the speakers about various uses for the butt of the co-pilots plas-pistol, runs down the aisle to switch off the intercom, trips over a boltgun, and lands flat on her face. A new recruit sitting opposite turns and says "whho! calm down Maam! He's gotta have a shit first!" ----- An Dark Angel, Blood Angel, and Space Wolf all walk into a bar. Each one of them orders a drink. The bartender brings them four beers. The Dark Angel looks at his beer and realizes there's a fly in it. He begins to moan about how he is being punished by the Emperor and leaves the bar in shame, pulling his monk's robe around him tighter. Just then the Blood Angel looks down at his tankard. "What's this?!" he shouts, "There's a fly in my beer?!?!" He then proceeds to destroy half the bar in bloodthirsty rage (and ruins any chances of getting with the Sisters at table 3). Finally the Space Wolf looks down at his beer and notices there's fly in his beer too! However, when he magnifies the reception on his bionic eye he sees the little Tyranid wannabe taking a sip of his pint. "Oh, no you don't laddie!" he growls as he grabs the tiny insect. "Spit it out, spit it out!!!" ----- 6 Catachan and their Sergeant enter a bar. And proceed to get into a barfight with some Dark Angels. "we'll beat em" the sarge sez then politly asks the Space marines to step outside and opens the door for them. Needless to say the door nothing of the fine establishment was left when the marine hit the trip wire. ----- What the Emperor's thinking... "39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears on the Wall, 39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears, take one down, pass them around, 39,002 bottles of Emperor's Tears on the wall. 39,001 bottles. . ." "You know, I've had this itch for 3,435 years, right at the base of my neck. . ." "Why can't they hook up a playstation 40,000 in here?" "Damn, my foot's asleep again." "You know, when I said sacrifice 1000 souls to me daily, they must have misunderstood. I actually meant sacrifice 1000 COALS. It's so cold in this huge throne room..." ----- Three commanders are lined up and arguing who has the braves troops in a hanger. A Blood Angle commander, a Imperial Guard Commander and a Sister of Battle Commander. The Sister of Battle orders one of her troops to jump out the air lock. She dose without hesitation. The Blood Angle Comander orders one of his troops to do the same. The Blood Angle roars and runs out the air lock screeming. The Imperial Guard Commander orders one of his own to do the same. The trooper replys, "SIR, NO SIR!" The Imperial Guard comander turns to to the others and says, "Now THAT is courage." IF YOU HAVE ANYMORE SEND THEM IN :) |