APRIL 2nd:
OPENED WEBSITE TO PUBLIC, WITH GIANT PICTURE OF MILLARD FILLMORE AT
TOP, STATING THAT IT WAS HIS OFFICIAL FANPAGE, ALTHOUGH IT REALLY WASN'T
APRIL 19th:
James Buchanan and Franklin Pierce come a-knockin', stating, "We want
in on this action, too."
Official Transcript of site update:
Yes, Franklin Pierce and James Buchanan came to my house last week and Pierce told me straight up, "What the fuck's up with this Millard Fillmore bullshit?"
Buchanan threw in, "Yeah, we were surfin the net, and what do we see?
How many pictures of Fillmore? One. How many of Pierce and Buchanan?
Zero! And we said, 'Hey! We want in on this action, too!'"
I told them it was meant as a joke, and they said something about a
cage match against Fillmore, and I said,
"I'll see what I can do."
They walked off.....obviously very proud of themselves.
I left a message on Millard's answering machine about it...maybe he'll get back to me, soon, I don't know.
I'll keep all of you up to date.
Tomorrow, Pierce and Buchanan are having an official press conference about it. They said they'd send me a transcript of it. Ex-presidents...Go fig.
APRIL 21st:
The Press Conference.
Transcript of Official Press Conference announcing
challenge to Millard Fillmore by Franklin Pierce and James
Buchanan
PRESS SECRETARY, Ari Fleischer: Although
I am usually only the press secretary of current president Mr. Bush, he
was
happy to oblige on this matter to Mr. Pierce
and Mr. Buchanan. My main job is strictly to introduce them, and
to give
the reasons for their actions.
Mitch Albom: Mr. Fleischer? Mitch Albom. What brought about this entire ordeal?
Ari: Mr. Pierce and Mr. Buchanan feel that
they have not been given their proper dues as presiding officers of the
country, and what really spurred them off was
when they came upon a website run by a young man from Suburbia
Minnesota that was headlined "Official Fan Page
of Thirttenth President, Millard Fillmore". If you'll look around
the
web, there are absolutly no pages anywhere that
even give brief mention to Millard Fillmore. The same holds true
to
Mr. Pierce and Mr. Buchanan, as they were never
extrememly popular presidents.
Frankly, they feel short-changed,
and are "Not going to tolerate this bullshit funk- no mo," As was
stated earlier by
Mr. Buchanan.
Paul Wiseman: Mr. Fleischer? Paul
Wiseman, USA Today. Has there been any response from Mr. Fillmore
or his
group?
Ari: As of yet, none of his people have
made contact with any of the Pierce or Buchanan people, but hopefully,
we will
all know by the end of the month.
ANTHONY DePALMA: Mr. Fleischer? Hi,
Antony DePalma, New York Times. Exactly what kind of a duel- fight,
if you
will- are they setting forth?
Ari: Cage match.
DePalma: Really? And does Fillmore get a partner?
Ari: Uh...that'll be discussed later, I
guess. Fuck, I don't know. We're talking about three presidents
who are well
over 200 years old and were all deemed some of
the worst presidents we've ever had. All I'm going to say is, I hope
they fight better than the lead.
Superfly, Franklin Pierce: (Entering from side
door with Mr. Buchanan) What the fuck you talkin' bout, cracka! We's
badass Democratic presidents! What you
eva' done, bitch? Press Secretary? Funk dat!
Ari: Hey, I'd show a little appreciation. I at least introduced both of you.
Docta Pain, James Buchanan: Get off our
stage before we kill you, biz-natch. I fucked your wife last night,
and she
wasn't no good! It was worse den stickin
my willy in a blender, bitch.
Ari: Bu-How dare.....(Runs out of room sobbing)
Superfly: Now, what you bitches want to ask the Hose of Pain, over here?
Fredrick U. Dicker: Mr. Buchanan?
Docta Pain: That's Docta Pain to you, bitch.
Dicker:...All right, Docta Pain-
Docta Pain: True dat, true dat.
Dicker: Right. This challenge that
has been laid out- Is this also just due to the past tensions between the
Democrats
and the Old Whig Party?
Docta Pain: Of course, you white, pasty,
piece of shit, cockguzzling fuckbucket! We Democrats hate those fuckin'
whigs! They wanted to get rid of our slaves!
What the fuck?
Dicker: And exactly what kind of match are you planning?
Superfly: This be a cage match with me n'
Docta Pain versus that queer fuckfuck Fillmore and any one of his Whig
bitches to come get an asswhippin they never
had before.
Clay Chandler: House of Pain? Yeah,
Clay Chandler, Washington Post. Um...I suppose the big question on
everyone's
mind is....HOW THE FUCK DID YOU RESURRECT YOURSELVES
AFTER BEING DEAD FOR OVER 100 YEARS! It's scientifically
impossible, and completely implausible for this
kind of thing to happen.
Superfly:.....Shut up, BITCH! Docta, take that cracka out!
Docta Pain: Right, G.
At this time, the press conference concluded as
"Docta Pain" mercilessly beat Mr. Chandler within an inch of his life.
All that was taken down was Superfly screaming,
"The South gonna rise again, bitches!"
APRIL 24th:
Millard replied with, "They can complain all they want, but I am not
a fighting man."
Millard decided to take th high road today, as he called me stating that he wanted no part of this "cage match" the "old boys were referring to".
This is obviously a very respectable thing Millard decided to do, in my opinion.
I mean, Millard knows he wasn't all that great of a president- although he was ranked higher than Pierce and Buchanan were.
He declared that they're just "a couple of ruffians looking to better their name at my expense. I'll have no part of it."
I proceeded to call the Buchanan/Pierce promoter, William Henry Harrison, and he was quite disturbed when I told him.
"I think I speak for both of my clients when I say that Millard's really taking the pussy's way out, here." Will declared. "It's really a shame, too. There could've been quite a huge payoff for him either way."
Thus far, Buchanan and Pierce have yet to be reached for comment.
I just live here.
MAY 2nd:
Well, Buchanan and Pierce went and did it. They really wanted
to fight Fillmore, I guess, but I think they crossed the line.
Sorry I haven't updated in a little while about this, but I was beginning not to care that much.
Buchanan and Pierce have been taking measures to want Millard to fight them.
On Thursday, they blew up his car.
Millard didn't seem to care that much, and rejected their challenges once more.
On Friday, they killed his dog.
Millard, although upset, told everyone, "The dog was old, and needed to be put to sleep, anyway."
On Saturday, they killed his mother.
Millard, now was surprisingly overjoyed. "The dog was old, and needed to be put to sleep, anyway."
It seemed as though nothing was going to happen today, as Buchanan and Pierce were running out of ideas.
This is when they crossed the line.
On Sunday, when Millard and his family returned home from a day at the market, they all stood in shock in the doorway to see what had happened.
Docta Pain James Buchanan and Superfly Franklin Pierce had sent a message that Millard would never forget.
They stole his drapes.
Now, the overmasculine male that I am, I know the importance of drapes. We hold them close to our hearts. When you pick fun at drapes, you're walking a fine line.
Tonight, when Millard called me, he was more upset than any man has ever lived. "HOW DARE THEY! THOSE GODDAMN COCKGUZZLING PRICKS! THE NEXT TIME YOU SEE THEM, YOU TELL THEM THIS:
"IT'S ON NOW, BITCHES!"
He slammed the phone down, and I went to bed.
I don't know who his partner will be, but I'll inform you once I find out.
I'm getting too old for this.
MAY 20th: The Executive Office takes a hit...A lot of them, actually.
Well, you guys missed one hell of a fight.
The surpirses that filled this match were enough to make you strip naked and dance with a fat southern baptist named desire.
But first, the under card.
In an impeachment match, Bill Clinton beat the living fuck out of Andrew Johnson, and then threw him out of a moving train.
That was funny.
The next match was a 2 of 3 falls match Benjamin Harrison against Grover Cleveland. Grover won the first fall, Ben won the second, and Grover won the third. Ever get that creepy deja vu feeling?
In an assassination four-way match, Abe Lincoln, John F. Kennedy, James Garfield, and William McKinley took the stage. Lincoln had an Old Hickory fall on him, McKinley got gangrene, AIDS, cancer, syphillis, ebola, and death plague, and Kennedy was dismembered, shot, hung, struck by lightning, impaled, had a plane crash on him, fell off a cliff, decapitated, smoothered, drowned, and spontainiously combusted- all within the same second.
Thus, leaving Garfield in the ring as the sole survivor(he did, however, die ten weeks later).
The next match was a “lesser of two evils match, where Jimmy Carter and Gerald Ford fought each other. After ten minutes, they both got tired and fell asleep.
Afterwards, Ronald Reagan was killed violently by Deathman’s Deathhold of Death.
Don’t ask.
The next match was entitled The Greatest Forefather Challenge, or, in Modern Terms, Who’s Your Daddy? Match. George Washington, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, and Andrew Jackson were all supposed to fight until no one was left standing.
I’m going to tell you the truth- I fell asleep during this match. But when I woke up, George Washington was standing triumphantly with scuba gear and a chainsaw, and everyone else was dead.
I don’t ask questions, I just work here.
Finally,
Superfly and Docta Pain(Franklin Pierce and James Buchanan, respectivly) made their way down to the cage, to the tune of the song “Millard’s gonna die like the bitch he is” by Limp Bizkit(I liked their other one, “Millard Fillmore owes me Five Dollars(And A Coat Hanger)”).
James grabbed the mike and started taunting the crowd of Seventy-Thousand.
“You know, the last time I was here, I kept on commenting about how pretty the women were.” He began. “Well, to quote Bob Dylan, ‘Things Have Changed’.”
BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
Franklin continued.
“I hate every goddamn one of you.”
That was all Franklin had to say.
Obviously, he’s a very blunt man. Just ask his wife.
After making fun of everyone for the better part of a half hour,
Millard’s music finally started playing(“Do You Really Want to Hurt Me?”
by Culture Club).
Surprisingly, he brought down the first ever Whig president with
them- William Henry Harrison.
Thirty seconds after he was introduced, however, he caught pneumonia and died.
This was bad for Millard, because now he didn’t have a tag partner.
Thus, Buchanan and Pierce beat him mercilessly for more than twenty minutes.
Well, eventually, Millard got really sick of this, and swallowed both Pierce and Buchanan whole.
It didn’t stop there. He started eating members of the audience, too. So I say, “Hey! Millard! What’s it gonna take for you to stop eating people?”
He says, “About three-fitty.”
It was about this time I noticed that Millard Fillmore was aseven-story tall lockness monster. And I said, “Dammit, monster! Why you always after my three-fitty?”
He says, “How bout two-fitty, then?”
After refusing this, also, he got pissed and decided it was time to eat the Jake. Well, I didn’t like this, and frankly had planned on this kind of thing happening. So, I did what any man in my position would do.
Who was the 27th Prez who always does what he says?
Taft.
Damn right.
Taft burst in amidst the chaos with a sonicantiwhigpartydeathraygun and annhiliates that goddamn lockness Fillmore to dust.
That was pretty swell.
Taft told me to watch it from now on. But then he had to book it because he was filming an executiveofficesploitation film.
So, what is the moral of this story, kids?
Dead presidents: Can’t live with them.......
I hate you, Janine.•