Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up
to
them, and points to the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the
best
lay in town!"
Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders
off and up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk
comes
back, points at the same guy, and says "I just screwed your mom and
it was
sw-e-et!"
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off. Ten
minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me----."
Finally the guy interrupts, "Go home, Dad----you're drunk!"
THE ULTIMATE VIP
The Pope has just finished a tour of the Napa Valley and is taking a
limousine to San
Francisco. Having never driven a limo, he asks the chauffeur if he
can drive for a while. Since
the chauffeur really doesn't have much of a choice, he climbs in the
back of the limo and the
Pope takes the wheel.
The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts accelerating to see what
the limo can do. He
gets to about 90 MPH, and suddenly he sees the red & blue lights
of the highway patrol in his
mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window.
The trooper, seeing who it is, says, 'Just a moment please, I need to
call in.' The trooper calls
in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY
important person pulled
over, and asks how he should handle it.
'It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?' asks the chief.
'No Sir!' replies the trooper, 'This guy's more important.'
'Is it the Governor?' asks the chief.
'No! Even more important!' replies the trooper.
'Is it the PRESIDENT??? asks the chief.
'No! Even more important!' replies the trooper.
'Well WHO THE HECK is it?' screams the chief.
'I don't know Sir.' replies the trooper, 'but he's got the Pope as his
chauffeur.'
DUCK JOKE
(Aussie/British joke, I guess.
A duck walks into a bar and ask for a pint of larger shandy.
The barman stands back in amazement and says "Wow, you're a talking
duck! We don't
often get many talking ducks in."
The duck replies "Yes well you'll get at least one for the next four
days."
"Why?" asks the barman.
"Well I'm doing some plastering on the new houses being built down
the road, so I'll be in
for a swift one on my dinner hour"
"That's amazing" said the barman "I've got a friend who runs a circus
he could do with a guy
like you, he pays big wages as well, much more than you'll be earning
now. I'll give him a
bell if you like?"
"Sounds great mate" said the duck "But them circus types live in tents
don't they?"
"Yeah" says the barman "Why?"
"Well" says the duck "What the bloody hell do they want with a plasterer?"