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| WEST HAM UNITED |
| West Ham are a bad side with good young players. Boss Harry Redknapp says "West Ham United Football Club takes pride in its youth players, but if they are linked with another club, we will make sure that they turn shit so no other clubs can have them. This policy started about a decade ago when Paul Ince was linked with a move to Manchester United and got so in to the idea that he started abusing West Ham. He would piss in the letterbox, put lead in other players' boots and sellotape down the club doorbell, waking me up at half past bleeding four in the morning." West Ham have been knocking on the door of europe for the last few seasons, but europe told them to get lost. "It has been hard for us, I have been telling all of the foreign lads who are quite good like 'Paolo Di Canio' that we will DEFINITELY get in to europe this year, but unfortunately, I haven't been able to deliver the goods for them. If we don't make it this year I have been told that I will be sacked, but I don't give a shit man, because I've got better things to do with my time - like wank." West Ham are not too bad, and PREMIER LEAGUE PREDICTIONS feel that they are capable of getting in to 11th place. |
| STAR PLAYERS |
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| PAOLO DI CANIO Paolo Di Canio is a highly gifted footballer, whose only flaw is that he LOVES to push referees. "There like policeman - absolute fucking wankers" explained Paolo "They just want power over the kids who they were scared of at school - and that is so irritating. I pushed Paul Alcock over because he said I was running at 40mph and the speed limit was 30, I said that he knew he was lying so he hit me with a truncheon, said 'Save it for the judge' and then strapped me in to the electric chair. Pushing him backwards was the only way I could see to get out of this difficult situation." Di Canio has brilliant skills on the ball, and can do nearly 50 keepy-ups. "47 is my all time record, but I was balancing one of my hands against the wall. If I am just in open space I can pull off about 12, but I have to pick it up and bounce it to get me started". |
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| RIO FERDINAND Rio Ferdinand is rated by some as one of England's most promising player, and looks to be heading for the World Cup in 2002. All this despite having no teeth on his bottom jaw. "I ate them" Explained Rio "I was in Maths class and the teacher was giving this really boring speech about Biology or something, so I thought I would just bite them to see what they tasted like. Anyway, they were delicious - like mint Tic-Tacs. Everyone in the class were asking to try them, but I ate the whole lot - apart from one which I threw in the bin to annoy everyone - but then Robbie Fowler put his hand in the bin and got it and ate it - the bastard." Rio claims that he got so good at football because he had no love life. "Noone fancies you when you're missing teeth, so I found that while all my mates were putting their hands up girls' jumpers behind the electicity box, I was kicking a tennis ball against a nice hard wall. There was one girl though, I tricked her in to thinking I had teeth by putting milk teeth chews from the tuck shop on my gums. She was really fat and noone liked her, but beggars can't be choosers. Anyway, we started snogging - with tongues and all that - and then she started eating the milk teeth, they were her favourite. When she had eaten the teeth she popped - I'll never forgive myself." Rio says that everything he does in life from now on is for his long lost love. He will start by having a great season this year. |
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| SHAKA HISLOP Shaka is regarded by some as the best goalkeeper in the Premier League, but it wasn't an easy route that led him to football's greatest stage. "I was in Vietnam, and after that World War 2" boasted the 6'11" Trinidadian. "It was tough but not that tough. I was the one who shot Hitler in the head - if it weren't for me, he would still be alive and well." Shaka Hislop's army training shines through when he is in goal. "Before each match I will stand in front of the goal and mentally prepare myself, I will imagine that the goal is my mum and the ball is a big bomb. I CANNOT let the bomb hit my mum, otherwise she will die." This strategy seems to work quite well, and Shaka should be looking to let no goals in this season. |
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