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| NEWCASTLE UNITED |
| Newcastle are a very good side, with the best player in the Premier League, Kieron Dyer. They play good attacking football and have a great coach in Bobby Robson. "I fancy our chances this year" said Bobby "We have a great side and we aren't frightened of anyone, except maybe the Exorcist and Freddy Krueger. I remember when we watched Nightimare on Elm Street and Scream and The Exorcist in a row, and then had a midnight feast - it was well good. I put a white sheet over my head and jumped on the chairman's lap. Unfortunately he died of a heart attack but it was funny at the time, you had to be there." Newcastle have some great players, but unfortunately like to buy players who are foreign and can't talk to each other "It is only because english speaking players are all so shite, apart from Kieron Dyer and, so I'm told, Alan Shearer" added Robson "I like buying foreigners because they've got funny names and it looks cool on the back of their shirts and on teletext. I bought a player recently called Lenny Loopy Lua Lua - you should see his shirt man, its wicked." Newcastle are a good side and PREMIER LEAGUE PREDICTIONS predict a final place of 4th. |
| STAR PLAYERS |
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| KIERON DYER Kieron is PREMIER LEAGUE PREDICTION's best player in the Premier League. He posesses pace, power, price, place, promotion, product and packaging, all of the p's essential in making the perfect midfielder mix. Kieron also loves giving autographs, and says that he plays football "for all of the kids out there." "I love children" said Dyer "they are so special to me, everything I do in my life is just for the future - for the children". Dyer will be well good this season and play for England - you can bet your hat on that. |
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| SHAY GIVEN Shay Given is a good goalkeeper as well as one of Newcastle United's most promising young executives. "Some of the players refer to me as a yuppy, but that is totally unfair" moaned Given "I mean I am young and I have loads of money, but to just label me like that is just unsatisfactory". Given has a BMW with dice and a Max Power sticker and a mobile phone with internet access. "I remember one time when I was in the Bistro eating a Roast lobster, with a side order of Caviar and Chips, with a champagne and Red Bull to drink, when I impulsively decided to buy 1 million shares in Manchester United PLC. It was totally crazy because I don't even play for Manchester United, hyuk! hyuk! hyuk! Super." Good Luck in the premier league Mr Given, you need it you fucking twat! |
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| ALAN SHEARER Voted the world's most boring person by Teddy Bear Times magazine, Alan has had to put up with being boring all of his life. "At the end of the day I am a professional footballer with a job to do" joked Alan "It is vital that myself and all the players at Newcastle United Football Club put in 110% effort for the club, and most importantly for the fans. Our priority this year is the league, so if we go out of the cup it doesn't matter. As the captain and striker, there is immense pressure on me to score goals and lead the team to victory and Dib Dab Dob, I will do my best, as long as I get my �50 000 pounds pocket money." Alan is also famous for that joke when you say 'Touch Wood' and then touch your own head, like its made of wood! Brilliant. |
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