ManUnited

Manchester United are easily the best team in the Premier League, and their success is a secret that only PREMIER LEAGUE PREDICTIONS and Alex Ferguson know the formula to.
"Keep it quiet, but I used to play this computer game called 'Championship Manager' on my Amiga" Whispered Alex Ferguson "There was this cheat on it, when you play all of your players in the middle of the pitch and put arrows on them so they go forward. You win every game about 5 or 6-0. I just tried it in real life after struggling a bit at Manchester United and its worked a treat. We win almost every game now and are definitely going to win the league this season."
Manchester United used to piss off the nation with their fluky victories, like the last minute Steve Bruce headers and Cantona chips - they look a lot more convincing nowadays though. They also had loads of crusty, irritating players, like Kanchelskis, Hughes, Schmeichel, Mcclair and Pallister. Seeing someone in an old green and yellow United away shirt with 'Kanchelskis' written on the back, can bring out a terribly strong, primal feeling of hatred and violence. Luckily though, these days are in the past, and Manchester United are a lot less annoying now. They will definitely win the league, unless other teams start using the cheat formation, so PREMIER LEAGUE PREDICTIONS say a placing of 1st.

DWIGHT YORKE
Dwight Yorke is Manchester United's happy little goalscorer, and the former Villa man knows what football is all about. "I like to score lots of goals and smile, I smile because I am very happy" explained Yorke "The manager tries different experiments with me, like the other week he gave me 1 jaffa cake, and I scored 1 goal, then the next week he gave me 2 jaffa cakes, and I scored 2 goals, The week after that he gave me 3 jaffa cakes, and I scored 3 goals aka Hattrick. The gaffer said that he couldn't see any pattern emerging and cut off my Jaffa Cakes supply."
Dwight is happy about his exclusion from the team recently, as it gives him the chance to smoke some of the 'Erbs from his home country of Trinidad, something he had only dreamed of previously.

DAVID BECKHAM
David Beckham is probably one of England's best players at the moment and is famously married to Posh Spice.
"I remember that day when scary spice came up to me and said 'My mate fancies you' and I thought it was Geri because I fancied Geri at the time because she had big boobies. Turned out it was Posh Spice and I even got to finger her on the first night. Since then I have had a kid called Brooklyn Brawler 2000, and I am teaching him football but he is pretty fucking shit. I can walk with the ball and just overtake him and he never catches me - he just falls down, wets his pants and then starts crying. Thats a bit unfair - Its probably just that I'm so good that I think Brooklyn Brawler 2000 is shite."
Yes David, you are quite good and you can look forward to your team 'Manchester United' winning the premier league this year.

JAAP STAM
Big Dutch defender Jaap has been a revelation since signing for United for a then club record �10 million pounds. Probably the biggest defender in the Premier League, Jaap can't wait to get stuck in to the new season.
"It is good fun playing football, and I am so big I can just choose which people I don't like and then stamp on them" said Stam "I want to score some more goals this year, as I don't feel I scored enough last year - which was very upsetting."
A regular for the Dutch team also, he will be made 'King of Holland' if he can lead the National Side to victory in the 2002 world cup. "It would mean so much to me" he added "I would get a proper crown made of gold, the only time I ever wore a crown was on the Nativity play at school, when it was card crown sprayed silver, and it had fruit pastilles glued to the front which were supposed to look like jewels, but everyone in the crowd noticed that they were sweets and I was booed of the stage."