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| IPSWICH TOWN |
| Newly promoted Ipswich Town will have to adapt quickly to survive in the premier league, but manager George Burley thinks that if they start well then they can win it. "I don't see why not, everyone will play us thinking 'Ha! Ha! Ha! Easy peasy lemon squeezy, we will win today and Ipswich are shite!', but I know that this will work against teams as they will become cocky and then maybe we can score more goals than them. I can picture the last day of the season playing Man United and if we win, we will win the league, and Man United fancy themselves so much that they wear blindfolds and tie their hands behind their backs - If they do, we could grab three points and win the league". With their standards set high, the Suffolk outfit are quietly confident of their chances this season. They have a good goalkeeper and some good players outfield also, and will probably be the most consistent of the promoted sides. The official PREMIER LEAGUE PREDICTION for Ipswich is a surprising 7th. |
| STAR PLAYERS |
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| RICHARD WRIGHT A great prospect for the future and already a good goalkeeper, Richard Wright is loving life, despite being a vampire. "It is hard sometimes you know, especially when everyone laughs at your cap on a sunny match day so you have to take it off and expose yourself to lethal sunlight. Sometimes I feel like I am turning in to a vampire bat and start trying to fly in to the sky, and then the other team shoots and it goes in off my face and everyone laughs". Despite this minor disability to his football career, Wright has been in the England squad a lot and can't wait to push the regular two, Seaman and Martyn out of the squad. "Its common knowledge that those two are extremely shit goalies" says Wright, "They can't even save money in the bank". Our advice to Richard is to let his gloves do the talking, and see what happens. |
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| DAVID JOHNSON David Johnson is a very good striker who has been a victim of racism in today's game. Like Andy Cole and Dion Dublin, Johnson was rejected by a big club (in this case Manchester United) because he was black and smelt of 'Malibu and Coke'. Manchester United knew he was shit hot though, but just didn't want him 'hanging around the club making the place look untidy'. He then went on to Bury, scored loads of goals, joined Ipswich for �1 million pounds and knowing Ipswich's luck, Manchester United will want him back soon for �10 million pounds and a Sega Megadrive, an offer that can't be refused. Johnson will prove to be a big hit this year though, and should score about 30 goals. "I know if played I am capable of scoring goals, but I need time to dye my hair a silly colour, like blue or green first." Johnson is know for his extravagant head gear, and his memorable appearance at the playoff final last year, when he wore a pineapple, a gameboy and luminous yellow paint on his head before being stretchered off in the 12th minute has gone down as a moment in football history. Lets see if he can make history this year... |
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| FABIAN WILNIS "Who the fuck are you?" was the first thing I asked Fabian Wilnis, the flying Dutchman. "I am Fabian Wilnis, a defender for Ipswich town. That is one of the problems of being a player in a newly promoted team, noone knows who you are, except maybe a couple of your team mates." These wise words come from a very quick player who hopes to catch the eye in the premier league this year. "Last time Ipswich were in the premier league they were shit, so the manager chucked all of the players in the dustbin, and bought new ones like me. I don't think I'm shit, but my dad does." Wilnis has never scored before in England and hopes to score at least 10 this year. He has played for Holland before, so I suppose he can't be that shit. |
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