Everton

Everton are the most boring club in the Premier League. Manager Walter Smith wants to keep it this way. "It is quite good being boring, because no-one expects anything out of you. We never have to play well, as long as we finish in the middle of the table and don't hurt anyones feelings, then we are very happy indeed"
Everton have completed this simple objective for every season they have been in the Premier League, so whos to argue that they won't do it again? Not us, thats for sure. You just have to look at Evertons club Motto
"BEAT THE RUBBISH TEAMS, LOSE TO THE GOOD TEAMS - THATS OUR MOTTO"
Keeping it nice and simple is good for the players too.
"The players never feel under any pressue" explains Smith "If we accidentally beat a good team, then it is of paramount importance to lose to a rubbish team, otherwise pressure will be on us to win the league, and vice versa. The reason Paul Gascoigne chose us over Man United, Brazil and World All Stars is that it is a lot easier to know where you are going to finish before season even starts, rather than having sleepless nights because you need three points to win the cup - thats all a load of Roy of the Rovers bollocks."
Everton might find it difficult this year, because everyone is getting sick and tired of their boring ways. PREMIER LEAGUE PREDICTIONS feel that they may finish in 16th place.

PAUL GASCOIGNE aka GAZZA
Paul Gascoigne aka Gazza is one of England's all time great footballers. Nowadays, he is just picking up the wages.
"It's great, I get �22,000 a week and I don't even have to go to training. I have already bought a Playstation 2 and a few games, my favourite is Tekken Tag Tournament, you can be a man with a tiger head and beat everyone up, its so funny, especially after a few beers with the lads."
Gazza is also quite famous for crying at the 1990 world cup, when Gary Lineker said that he didn't want to be his friend anymore.
"He said that he didn't want to be my friend anymore, so I started crying. Looking back at it, I don't have regrets, we're great friends now. He'll always come round and play on my new computer, until he gets bored, but then he just phones his mum up for a lift."

DUNCAN FERGUSON
Duncan Ferguson was the player who saved Everton from relegation all those years ago, with the diving header which was so good that it won Everton 5 points and sent them in to Europe.
"Those were great times" reflected Ferguson "I couldn't really see the ball or anything, I just jumped and moved my head backwards and forwards, like a pigeon. Next thing I new, all these players where jumping on me - I had scored a goal."
Sadly, Duncan's career has since been hampered by injury.
"I'm not really ever injured" said Ferguson "I just phone in sickys loads because I go clubbing so much - my robot dancing is really coming along nicely. Anyway, when your on the come down from a few E's the last thing you want to do is play football, especially in the winter. I can't wait till Judges Jules plays Everton's nightclub - I am going to get wrecked on 5 pills and hopefully die."

DANNY CADAMARTERI
Danny is a young player and Evertons only hope for the future and he is taking it all in his stride.
"No, I'm not, you dickhead." said Danny "I can't even really play football, I just ran on the pitch once in my Everton replica kit and scored a few goals because I can run fast. Then me and my mates went back to my mums flat when she was 'out on the town', got stoned and pissed ourselves watching Match of the Day with me on it. Then we got the munchies and stole some Magnum Egoes from the Paki's on the corner. We've done it every week since and it keeps getting funnier and funnier every time."