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| CHELSEA |
| Chelsea have been rocked by the loss of manager Gianluca Vialli. The board at Chelsea decided that having a foreign boss at the club was not a good idea following the badness of Vialli and Ruud Gullit, so they appointed Claudio Ranieri, who is an italian wanker. Apparently, Chelsea's board think that its funny buying all of europes best and most foreign players so that they can't talk to each other and will cock their careers up no end. Boardmaster Ken Bates said "I didn't have the opportunities that they had as a youngster, so I have no choice but to punish all these pathetic twats who live in other countries. They don't even speak english, what a bunch of wankers." Chelsea would be a very good side if they had a good manager and they all spoke english, but they don't = rubbish. Chelsea will do well to stay in the premier league this year and PREMIER LEAGUE PREDICTIONS say that they will do well to clinch 10th place. |
| STAR PLAYERS |
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| JIMMY FLOYD HASSELBAINK Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink is well good at football and will score lots of goals for Chelsea. He also has nostrils big enough to snort marbles for fun. "It happened in holiday in Ibiza" says Jimmy, "We all thought we were getting coke to snort, and I thought I'd go first as it would impress my mates, and I snorted the whole load up. Then I found out it was sherbert and it started roasting the inside of my nose. Next thing I knew, my cute little nostrils had mutated in to big Gorilla Hoovers. Oh well, Cest la vie." Hasselbaink will be looking to score at least ten goals against his former club Leeds, who he hates because he doesn't play for them anymore. |
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| GRAEME LE SAUX Graeme Le Saux is not only good at football, but he comes from the writers of Premier League Prediction's home town, Jersey. It was commonly known in Jersey that Graeme was a right poofter, and that his dad Pierre shagged a Jersey cow up the arse and then ate its burgers. Graeme desperately wanted to be a policeman, but his dad forbidded it. He still gets a small chance to impress the local police force by saying stuff like 'Don't do drugs' and 'Sex is for dickheads' on Jersey Crimestoppers adverts. Jersey is a right shithole and its all Graeme's fault. It even rains over here all the time now, and before Graeme Le Saux was invented it was always sunny. All I can say is don't you dare show your face in Jersey again, or we will set Richard Rufus on you. |
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| TORE ANDRE FLO Tore Flo is the tallest ever Premier League player at a whopping 7'11". His strength in the air is possibly one of Chelsea's greatest assets. He is so tall he has to fight with animals as humans are much too small. "I once had a fight with a Giraffe" said Flo "It was quite easy because I just snapped its stupid neck on my knee - no problem. It was a very tall opponent, even taller than me, but I showed it who's boss. The only animal that ever beat me up was a dinosaur, but thats only because it bit my head off when I wasn't looking". Despite fighting natures beasts, he still scores lots of goals for Chelsea, and should be a force this season. |
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