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| BRADFORD CITY |
| Bradford City surprised everyone last year, when they beat good old Wimbledon to the last place in the Premiership, not least their manager, Chris Hutchings. "It started out as a sick experiment by our chairman", said Hutchings, "He had too much money and wanted to get rid of it all by injecting it in to the worst football team in the world, to try and make them even worse - but we actually got a lot better. One of his tactics was to buy players with stupid names at silly prices, hence the �3 million pounds signing of Dean Windarse, who, unfortunately turned out to be quite good at football." This backwards ambition will surely succeed this season, as Bradford seem quite happy to buy lazy players and then give them about �80 000 pounds a week for doing fuck all. The training regime at Bradford is practically none existent, with a big playroom for all the players that can be bothered to turn up. "The playroom is great" commented Hutchings, "It has flumes, arcade games and pinball machines - we are all well addicted to the Star Wars Episode 1: the Phantom Menace pinball machine. I got the replay the other week, its wicked. We also have a cinema, DVD players, free M & Ms and skittles and an infinite tap of Coca Cola and a free tuck shop with fizzy fish and astro belts - my favourites." With all this money spent on making the team as bad as possible, the chairman must surely be reaching his ambition of making the worst team ever and they are hoping, and we here at PREMIER LEAGUE PREDICTIONS know they can, finish 20th aka WORST |
| STAR PLAYERS |
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| JAMIE LAWRENCE Sent to Jail for most of his career, Jamie Lawrence is one of those dickheads who go around talking like Ali G and flicking his fingers. He is quite good though, and kids love him because he paints his head different colours. "I painted my head white once and then red and then blue and the back to red again." It has been hard for Lawrence, who thought that Bradford wanted to be a good team, and not a bad one. "I don't really know why they bought me" he said "My name is really ordinary, but I suppose its because I'm not afraid to paint my head silly colours, and the chairman loves shit like that." We predict that Jamie Lawrence will go to jail again this year, probably for murder... |
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| DEAN WINDARSE/WINDASS (USA) Dean Windarse was the jewel in the crown of Bradford City's chairman last year, but unfortunately he didn't read the script and score loads of own goals, he instead scored the m in the 'wrong' net, ten times. Unfortunately, Dean wouldn't pose for a team photo because they are "for fuckin' poofs, man" and he would rip this one up if he could find it. Dean is one of those people who turn really tough and hard because they have to defend themselves with people always cheeking them about their name "Its my fucking parents fault, like" said Dean in a rare interview, "My mum chose Dean but me fuckin' dad thought he'd call me Windarse, the bastard". Dean has unfortunately been trapped on the sinking ship that is Bradford City FC, and has had 13 transfer requests turned down by the chairman. "At the end of the day, I'm a fuckin' footy player, innit? I mean the playroom at Bradfords quite good - I love headbutting the punchbag toughmeter in the arcade, but after so many fizzy fish, you end up feeling quite sick." We wholeheartedly agree, Mr Windy poo poo arse!!! |
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| BENITO CARBONE Benito Carbone is a good little player who gets paid �80 000 a week. When asked what he spends it on he replies "Anything I want really, money actually gets really boring - I want to meet a woman and fall in love with her. She'll have to have massive knockers though - In fact I might ask the chairman if I can take a 3 month holiday to Sweden, apparently all of the girls are gagging for it there and they love their latin men. The chairman will probably say yes, he's fucking sound." Again, Benito didn't want to be in a team photograph, he was to busy playing Bubble Bobble in the arcade. "The gaffer was pissed off at first but when I explained to him that I was on level 86 - my highest ever - and Baron Von Blubber was chasing me he soon understood." Benito is in for a shite season football-wise, but should find love and happiness in Sweden. |
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