| ASTON VILLA |
| Aston Villa have a good side with some great players, and also John Gregory as manager, who is very good at starting teams, but then can't be bothered after Christmas when he has loads of presents to play with. He loves being a football manager because all of the fans give him presents at Christmas. "I don't even have to say 'Thank You' to them, because they are just stupid fans. I get the best presents off my parents and my Grandma and Grandad, and my Nana is well rich and gives me two presents because Grandpapa is dead. Last year I got the Ewoks village, but my little brother broke it by stuffing his 'Jurassic Park' roaring T-Rex in the tree base. Luckily, his toy broke as well as mine, and dad smacked him really hard, he deserved it." Villa have bought some players in the summer but they are always "Alright, but not that good" players. "I have also bought a gun so I can shoot animals" said Gregory "A Badger was sniffing around my right back, Gary Charles so I shot the Badger in the eyes so it couldn't see, then I told it that a pretty girl fancied him and it walked in to a swimming pool and drowned, because Badgers can't swim if their eyes have been shot." |
| STAR PLAYERS |
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| PETER SHHMICKHAEL "Hello, I am Peter Shmichaelllll, the new keeper for Aston Villa and I will do my best to stop the ball going in to MY net." Peter has an excellent record as a keeper, scoring lots of goals for Man Utd, but he has a dark secret. "I went to a spiritual Reiki master recently" He told insiders "and in regression mode, they told me I was Adolf Hitler in a past life. I just want to take this opportunity to say 'Sorry, I didn't mean to hurt anyone, it was in the destiny of the universe for me to be there and to attempt the apocalypse, because everything in the world has a beginning, a middle and an end - The role I had to play in that particular lifetime was THE END. My earnest apologies, everyone!!!!!!" |
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| ANGEL "Baby your my angel, your my darling angel - Awhat!" sang Shaggy in his 2001 Number 1 top of the pop smashbuster "ANGEL", in tribute to his favourite Aston Villa Striker, but he has still never scored, EVER. "I am not here to score goals" said Angel, "But rather I am here to explain to everyone that they are all angels underneath, but fear (aka the devil) causes their stupid human brains to become nothing more than Robots. I call all my teammates hilarious nicknames, like Paul Merton I call 'C3P0', and I call George Boateng 'Dalekbrains', and Dion Dublin 'Horsedick', but it seems I am the only one in on the joke, which is upsetting - I want to go home NOW!!! I WANT TO GO BACK TO ARGENTINA AND EAT MY FOOD ON A RIVER PLATE AND HAVE MARADONA ICE LOLLYS AND COCAINE NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LIFE IS NOT FAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" |
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| DAVID GINOLA David Ginola, or 'Dave' as he is known to his team mates is the flying French froglegs on the left wing. He is really lazy and only plays well if there are fit birds watching. "I don't really see the point in playing well if there are no girls to show off to" said David. "A really good way of impressing the birds is to kick your shoe off when you shoot so it goes flying off the pitch - then you must laugh and pretend you find it really funny, as this will make the girl think you have a sense of humour, and girls love a guy with a sense of humour.' David is good at tricking the defensless ladies in to his bed, and he says he has shagged Elle Macpherson, Annalise off Neighbours and your mum. He also scores on the pitch too, and is therefore one of Aston Villa's outstanding players. |
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| PLP's Rating: 12th |