| ARSENAL |
| Arsenal will be looking forward to playing in the Premier League this year, and they want to win it this year instead of coming 2nd again. "I try to cheer up the lads in the dressing room by singing 'first the worst, second the best, third the one with the hairy chest'" explained Arsene Wenger, nicknamed Arse and Wanker by Dennis Bergkamp "But they all want to finish first. I suppose it is because their parents spoilt them as children that they have such high standards. They need a good beating with a wet flanel and put in the oven until they roast like pathetic chicken." When Arsene was asked about the players he signed in the summer he said "I thought they would be good enough to get us to second place in the premier league, but they too all want to win it. I have employed Andre the Giant to rub their face in Horse Shit and Sunny Delight untill they learn their lesson. Andre the Giant can also do smelly shits as well. He pooed his leotard in the 1987 Summerslam against The Ultimate Warrior, and then rubbed Warriors face in it and the warrior died and was reincarnated as Elvis Presley, who had a hit song called "Love is like a Rollercoaster, you eat a Cottoncandy, wet your pants and puke on your sausage dog" |
| STAR PLAYERS |
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| KANU Kanu is a very important player for Arsenal because he is 6'8" and can win lots of headers. He is also very good at scoring goals and scored tons in the last few seasons. His head is all squashed because something is wrong with his brain, which almost caused him to retire 5 years ago. But he kept on going and never gave up, he said the song 'Keep on Moving' buy Five was a great help for him in his recovery. "It really got me thinking positively and not saying 'Oh no, my brain is fucked', and I just kept on moving (no pun intended)". A great person as well as a good footballer, Kanu will be one of Arsenals saving graces this season. |
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| TONY ADAMS This is Tony Adams' last year as a player and he wants to use it as a message that everyone has unlimited choices in this world and football isn't everything. "I have a great opportunity to show the world the meaning of life" Adams explains "I could run past every player and pick the ball up and eat it. I could wear a TV on my head and smash it against the queens face, crown and anchor. But what I would really love to do is get Arsenal relegated. It would be like the sinking of Titanic, a real life tragedy. No tragedy has ever happened in my lifetime - some people say Diana driving in to a lamp post until her body flew in to space is a tragedy, but I think that that is a matter of opinion. Titanic is also my favourite film, I love the bit when the first class dogs 'shite' on Captain Birdseyes boat aka Titanic." Tony Adams seems to be a bit of a loose cannon in his last year, like a 19 year old who has handed their months notice in at a bank because working in a bank is monotonous shite for wankers only, and he should stop Arsenal winning the league - good for him. |
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| PATRICK VIERA Patrick Viera is Arsenal's rock in midfield and has been arguably their best player EVER. Known as Postman Pat to his team mates, he always DELIVERS the goods in midfield, even if he does get sent off loads. He has had 5 red cards and 300 yellow ones since joining the Gunners in 1996. He has really long legs like a big rubber man and he uses these legs to do good tackles and squirm past the opposing defence, he is a good goal scorer and quite similar a player to Manchester United's Roy Keane, but not even half as much of a wanker. It was Patricks fault that France have won the World Cup and Euro 2000, as he is so good at football. If Patrick gets injured, Arsenal will have a shite season. |
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| PLP's Rating: 2nd |