Grace's Story
I met my future husband when I was 20. We are the same age. We dated for a couple of years before ever having sex. Being a strong Christian, I didn�t believe in pre-marital sex. Well, of course one thing led to another, and we gave in. No excuses - I became pregnant. I will NEVER forget that feeling I got as I watched that �second line� appear on the pg test. To this day, I sometimes replay it in my mind. I can see it as clearly as if it were yesterday.
I was in total and complete DENIAL. As a matter of fact, I didn�t even go buy a test until I was like 6 weeks LATE! So by then I was already 10 or 11 weeks pg. I went to a Dr. and had it confirmed, and they did an ultrasound. I cried that entire day. We had differing views. My boyfriend couldn�t deal with it�period. He wouldn�t come right out and say �abortion�, but he implied it. I wanted to keep the baby. We had so many talks about it, and I cried every time. I must have cried every single day. I still remember the night we had �THE� discussion. I was absolutely mortified. He wasn�t backing down. I also knew my family would be totally devastated. I was ashamed, embarrassed, you name it. So after having TONS of discussions a/b it, he eventually wore me down.
I am totally and completely ashamed of myself for not being stronger. I should have stood up for my baby. But having the same conversation over and over can really take a toll on you. I was scared and stupid, and I let that overpower me. I remember feeling completely numb as we drove to the clinic. I couldn�t believe I was actually doing this. I had always been PRO-life. As the nurse was holding my hand, and the medication was starting to make me drowsy, I remember thinking, �What if I change my mind, but the medication knocks me out and I can�t tell anyone?� Then it would be too late. That is SUCH a vivid memory to this day.
After all was said and done, I went home an empty shell. My life has not been the same since. I crawled up into a black hole, and have never managed to find my way out. My boyfriend and I broke up a/b a year later, but ended up getting back together, and now we are married. My husband has grieved a lot over the years too. I�ve seen how much pain this has caused him as well. Now he completely blames himself for all of it. Though I tell him that I ultimately made the decision b/c it was my body, he won�t even listen. All he says is, �But I�m the one who pushed you. You wouldn�t even TALK a/b abortion. I made you do it�
Every year on THE day, we sit and talk about it. He usually sends me flowers or does something special to let me know he hasn�t forgotten. After we got married, we naturally started talking about children. I was convinced that I didn�t deserve any, and God wasn�t going to give me any. And if he did, he/she would have health problems that would be all my fault. Either that, or we would have a horrible time trying to conceive. I wasn�t just considering this, I was convinced of it.
Well, I got pg on the first try. I found out on Mother�s Day (May 13, 2001), which was also my husband�s B-day. I thought it was too good to be true. But pg tests don�t lie. I remember waiting anxiously for the results of the test and thinking back on how I felt years ago. Back then, I didn�t want to even LOOK at the stick afraid of what I might see. This time, I couldn�t take my eyes off of it!
Before my first OB appt, I started spotting. I was a/b 5 weeks along. Naturally, I thought, �Here we go.� Since I was not very far along, all the ultrasound showed was a �sac�. They made me wait another week to see if there was even a heartbeat. Let me tell you � that was the LONGEST week of my life! Everything turned out fine. I now we have a beautiful daughter! I honestly don�t know what I would do without her! She is the LIGHT OF MY LIFE!!! I am amazed that God has allowed me to have such happiness, and sometimes I still think it�s too good to be true.
Even though my tx was almost 8 years ago, it stays �fresh on my mind� as if it happened yesterday. I could even describe to you the wallpaper in the recovery room � exactly what the nurse that supported me through it looked like � I could tell you what I was wearing � what the weather was like � It is all literally burned into my brain forever.
If you would like to seek advice about your unplanned pregnancy, I'd be happy to offer advice and support through e-mail.
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GRACE |
