Belinda's Stroy
Im 23yrs old and a mother to 3 little girls. I had my termination in April 1997. I've always been anti abortion to some extent but had an extremely heartbreaking decision to make. I fell for the wrong guy, we had been dating for 2 weeks and I fell preg. He was really obsessed with having his own baby girl. Kinda psyco I thought, well to cut a long story short, he took over me when I was pregnant and I couldn't take it anymore. I had another daughter to care for and I broke up with him. He started saying he would steal the baby from me. And his parents had seen a solicitor for custody and served me upcomming custody battle papers. This poor little baby was just a micro dot in my belly and the trouble about it already!
He stalked me and I was terrified for my life and the little baby inside me. I got really attached to her and was quite excited and even bought baby clothes. By 10 weeks I couldn't take his abuse anymore and sought advice from my mother and grandmother, who wrote down the pros and cons of having this baby. Well it was obvious I couldn't bring this little thing into the world with this terrible person. And I'd be damned if he was going to have any visiting rights to my precious baby.
I cried for 2 days as I made my decision, I didn't want to have an abortion but there seemed no way out. I traveled from QLD to NSW to have the abortion and the night before I held my tummy and talked to the little baby saying how sorry I was and it was for the best.
I sat silently all the way to the clinic, scared and absolutely heartbroken. My mum and grandma kept telling me I could always change my mind and go back home. But I thought of what this baby would have to put up with?! He was psyco, I'm sure he would hurt me or the baby if I didn't hand the baby to him. And he even ordered he be there when she is born. One night I punched myself in the stomach numerous times and wished she'd go away so I wouldn't have to end it with an abortion. I remember the room where they do the procedure had a funny smell and, not at all a nice feeling all around.
I couldn't bare to look at the scan and they said, "yep you are about 11 weeks." then my mum and grandma held my hand all the way until everything went black. And I woke up feeling empty and bleeding like I'd just given birth. I couldn't believe I wasn't pregnant anymore. It's like it just vanishes from you and you can't get it back. I felt robbed and hurting inside, I just wanted to scream and I had a huge ache in my heart. I didn't speak for 3 days, just curled into bed and cried. I wanted my baby back. All I could think about was if she was cold or wanting her mummy and this is morbid and disgusting but I had nightmares of all these babies in a big bucket in bits and pieces and she was in there too.
When I left NSW I felt like I left something behind and didn't want to go back home. When I got home I hated myself so much I drank and took drugs until one night I wanted to end my miserable life so I slit my wrist and nearly died. Three weeks in a mental home to recover and I learned to forgive myself for what I'd done.
In September 1997 I met a great guy and we have had 2 daughters together. I often look at them and think it could have been them I aborted. And as a catholic I'm wondering what lies ahead for me the day I die. Will I be punished for this? Well yes I have already, living everyday knowing I ended a little innocent beings life.
I still regret my decision and would never do that again. It's the worst possible choice a woman has to encounter, I think, and to prevent that we have completed our lovely family and my partner just had a vasectomy. AS I know if I got pregnant again I couldn't cope with another baby and we can't afford one.
I think abortion should be banned and illegal. And as far as termination for medical reasons - why can't they induce labor and the mother give birth?
Well this is my story, thanks for listening.......
Belinda |
