Becky's Story
Growing up I had always been daddy's little girl. I was the youngest girl of three and I really had a close bond with both of my parents. But when I was 16 I started dating this guy who I thought was Mr. Wonderful. After dating for a few months he started to become verbally abusive. He never hit me but was always putting me down and making me feel like he was the only one who cared about me and that my family didn't love me. We started having sex and we did use a condom. Then he would say he was wearing a condom but in reality he pulled it off when I wasn't looking. I was very inexperienced so I didn't know any better. Before I knew it I was pregnant. I was scared to death, mostly because my parents are both very religious, as I had always been, and I knew they would not take this news well. And also because I knew this guy was not right for me and a baby would tie me to him for life in one way or another.
I reluctantly told my parents and they freaked out. I never saw my dad cry before until that day. He was devastated, hurt, betrayed, angry...and it was all my fault. I felt horrible. I just wanted to make everyone feel better. I wanted to make their pain go away. After a few days of arguing and crying and me threatening to kill myself to "solve the problem" my dad told me the best thing he thought that I should do would be to get an abortion. Before this happened, my family and I were always against abortion, so for him to make this suggestion, it just blew me away. I thought he was a hypocrite...I was a hypocrite. We are pro-life and against abortion until it becomes convenient for us. How can I ever consider myself a good Christian after that? I didn't want to have the abortion, and worse yet, I was still "in love" with my boyfriend and he didn't want me to have the abortion either. After debating and arguing with my parents I decided to do it. I was uninformed. I was naive. I didn't know what would happen. I didn't know what was happening to the baby inside of me. I didn't know anything other then I had to do what I've always done - please other people and do what I'm told because I'm a good girl. I went and had an ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy and they discovered I was pregnant with twins. I got to see both of my babies on the monitor and I fell in love. I immediately got excited and started thinking about my life with my twin babies. But it would never be. My mom scheduled the appointment for me to get an abortion at a local clinic. I was sad, but everyone kept insisting that it was the best thing to do for everyone involved. My boyfriend didn't have a say in anything and we did break up.
I don't really remember too much about the procedure or about that day. I know I was about 7 weeks along and I had a D&C. I have mostly blocked everything about it from my mind. I can remember me and my parents driving there, but I don't remember getting out of the car or walking inside or anything. I've recently started remembering a little more and I can remember laying on the table crying and holding a nurses hand while she told me everything would be okay. The next thing I remember is being on my sofa at home. I never received counseling and the other options were never discussed with me. There was only one option for me and that was to have an abortion. Or so I thought.
I fell into a depression, but September rolled around and it was time to go back to school and start my senior year of high school. I thought I had gotten over it. About 6 months after the procedure I started having horrible abdominal pain. No one knew what it was and all the tests I had gotten were coming back negative. One night the pain had gotten so severe I was rushed to the hospital. I had several tests done only to discover that I had an untreated infection in my uterus. They performed a few procedures (3 to be exact) in the hopes of taking care of it. Nothing worked. Finally they had to go into my abdomen for exploratory surgery. An incision was made all the way down my belly. My father had to sign a consent form to do this because if it looked real bad in there they were going to do a full hysterectomy. Luckily they did not have to do this, but I was told that I probably would never be able to have children. I was crushed. Absolutely devastated.
It's been 10 years. I'm married now to a wonderful man. We tried to have a baby as soon as we got married but I could not get pregnant. We saw infertility specialists but nothing seemed to work. This is when I started realizing what I had done 10 years prior. I felt as if I didn't deserve a baby after what I did to two healthy twins. I quickly lost hope for a biological child and started looking into adoption. Looking at this option made me hurt even worse. I thought of all the people who have been waiting to adopt a baby. Why couldn't I have made that sacrifice 10 years ago and give my twins life? Why couldn't I have put them up for adoption instead of aborting them?
I started sinking into a deeper depression. I failed my Lord 10 years ago so why did I expect Him to hear my prayers and forgive me for my sins. He was punishing me. That's all I kept thinking. And He had every right, in my mind. What I did was terrible and if I couldn't forgive myself how could I expect Him to. It's not like I didn't have a choice. Yes, my parents wanted me to have an abortion. But I did have a mind of my own. I could have said no and walked away. They couldn't have made me do it. I can't blame my parents any more though, and I have forgiven them.
After 2 years of infertility, my husband and I finally got pregnant and we had a healthy baby, a little boy. It hasn't been until recently, within the past 2-3 years, that I've really started thinking about what I did. It hasn't been until recently that I've really been hurting because of what I did. Not hurting because I felt like I was being punished, but because as an adult I now see the severity of my actions. I realize what a blessing a child is. I can't believe that I actually went through that. It only happens to other people, not to me. And for the rest of my life I have to live with the fact that I aborted my twins. It is absolutely killing me. Not one day goes by that I don't think of my babies. I look at my son and my heart breaks because I know he should have two older siblings to play with. And I don't want to be sad when I look at him. He's here with me and I should be enjoying every minute of my time with him. I've been praying to God a lot, asking Him for forgiveness. I believe that God does forgive everyone for their sins if they are truly sorry for what they've done...and I am. Now if only I can forgive myself. I talk to my twins a lot and beg them for forgiveness. One day I will be able to hold them again and I can tell them how sorry I am for not giving them a chance. What I did was selfish and I don't know if I can ever forgive myself.
I thought having an abortion would "solve the problem", but it didn't. It created a world of new problems. Problems that will never go away. Heartache and pain that will never ever go away. A child is not a problem. A child is a gift from God that we should cherish. I threw away my gift and the pain will haunt me until the day that I die.
In 10 years this is the first time I'm talking about my abortion. After I terminated my family and I never talked about it again. Before I got married I told my husband and he was very supportive and wonderful, but we haven't talked about it since. And now that I am a mother it is killing me inside and I don't know how to deal with this pain. I know I need counseling, but I feel like it is too late? The damage is done and now I need to suffer the consequences and deal with the pain. I feel horrible about what I did. I grieve for my children every single day and not a day goes by that I don't think of them and what I did to them. If I could turn back the hands of time I would go back to that abortion clinic and walk out the door with two viable babies inside of me. If only wishes came true...
Becky |
