Labort

"L's" Story

In 1998 I was involved with a man and found out that I was pregnant. I already had two children, I had only been separated from my husband for a year, and didn't really feel that I could handle the additional financial responsibility of raising another child on my own. I was afraid of what my ex husband would say, what my family would say, what my children would say, and the father of this baby was in no means ready to handle the responsibility of having a child. I honestly felt like I had no options but to have an abortion. I told the father and he way too quickly agreed.

When I went in to see the ob for my preabortion appointment I was a MESS! I was pale, I was afraid, and I felt horribly alone. I went in to talk to the nurse, and as she sat beside me explaining how they would be performing the abortion I started to cry. Several times she asked if she should stop, but I urged her to continue. I cried (harder and harder) for the entire hour that she explained everything to me. Before I went in to see the doctor I excused myself to go to the washroom, and sat looking at myself in the mirror. You have no idea how badly I just wanted to run home that day. To just forget everything that was going on, and find any other manner than the one I was choosing. I finally managed to compose myself and went back in to see the OB.

I laid on the table crying softly as she performed an internal exam. The whole time she was telling me "this is for the best"..."you're young, you'll have more children". Even though she had delivered my other children, I hated her so much for what she was saying. She didn't understand how difficult this was for me, she didn't ask me if I was really certain if I wanted to do it. (Anyone in their right mind should have been asking me! You could see how emotionally drained I had become and they still hadn't performed the abortion.)

I spent the next 48 hours at home, watching my older children during the day and at night I was rubbing my stomach and telling the baby growing inside of me how sorry I was. Apologizing to him/her for not being stronger and for what I was about to do. I had called the father and begged him to help me. That we needed to find another alternative, but he insisted upon me having the abortion...and no, he had too many meetings scheduled that he couldn't come with me to the hospital.

I went from being an incredibly confident person, to an emotional basketcase in such a short time. Every time I would walk past a church I wanted to go in and say how sorry I was. (I have never been an overly religious person, but I knew what I was doing was wrong. I have always believed that a baby is a baby from the moment of conception, and it broke my heart to have an abortion as my only option.)

When I went in to have the abortion performed, I sat in a hospital ward with 7 other women. (All of them so young with so much ahead of them. I was 27. I think I was the only one who really knew what was going to happen. They were all laughing and having a good time and I laid in my bed quietly just watching everyone.) The nurse came in and put an IV drip into my arm....inside that IV drip was Pictocin. She tried to tell me it was to help with the pain, but after having two children, I knew that the drug was to help induce labour and soften the cervix. You have no idea how much I wanted to rip that IV out of my arm and just run home, to run away...to be anyone but me and be in any situation but the one I was in.

It seemed to take forever for it to be 'my turn'. I shook uncontrollably as I was wheeled into the operating room. Where I live, they put you under to perform the abortion and before I knew it I was being woke up in the recovery room. From head to toe I felt numb, I had no clue if it was all over, but it didn't take long for the pain to start. My legs were incredibly sore (which I assume is from having them up during the abortion) and I had some minor cramping in my stomach, which continued for a couple of days.

They wheeled me back to my room and within the hour I insisted that they release me. I took a cab home, shut off the door and looked into the mirror at the most pale woman I had ever seen. I barely recognized myself. I spent the rest of the afternoon on the couch crying until my girlfriend came and found me sitting in the dark. (Which is where she found me for several weeks afterwards.)

I had an incredibly hard time forgiving myself, almost to the day one year later I sunk into a deep depression. Only three people had known I had had an abortion, and so many friends and family would inquire what I had going so wrong in my life that I would become so depressed about. I was still so ashamed of myself. I wanted to scream about what I had done the year before and beg someone to help me to forgive myself. When I couldn't shake the depression I found a psychiatrist. Yet something else to shock my family...I have been through more in my life than most people and had always managed to pull myself through anything...but this, I just couldn't shake.

Eventually I managed to find some resemblance of normalcy back in my life, and to forgive myself somewhat. However, in 2000 I became pregnant again. (Yes, I know abstain or find a better form of birth control!) The moment I saw that little pink line show up, all my fears about my previous abortion came back with a vengence. The father and I talked about abortion, he would probably have given anything for me to have had one, but I couldn't do it. I told him how deeply it effected me the first time, the pain you feel from the abortion is over in no time, but the grief you feel lasts forever. I did end up loosing my best friend by choosing to keep this baby, but the one thing I have to thank him for is the gift I never knew that I wanted but am so happy to have...my DS.

My advice to anyone even contemplating an abortion...THINK...THINK VERY LONG AND VERY HARD!!! If you have the least bit of doubt about having one performed, DON'T DO IT! It's just not worth the overall pain (emotionally) in the long run and it will forever be in your mind. To this day I can close my eyes and relive that 48 hours in my mind. That is a pain I would never wish upon anyone. Be strong...whether you choose to believe it or not, there will be someone there for you. (It took me having a second unplanned pregnancy to learn something I should have known the first time. I honestly didn't think I would have anyone to help me.) There are so many other alternatives to consider, if you're second guessing having an abortion...PLEASE...for your own peace of mind, find another.

"L"