Brenda's Story
At 16 I became pregnant. I think of myself as a pretty intelligent person, but you couldn't tell by the decisions that I had made. I was in love and thought that me and my boyfriend were going to live happily ever after. He told me that he loved me and that he wanted to get married. Of course when we brought this up to my mother she was completely against the idea. So, we got pregnant. I knew my mom would encourage me to marry him then. We got married, but we were just too young and immature to make it. He decided that being all grown up wasn't as fun as he thought it would be I suppose. When I was 8 months pregnant we separated. I am so lucky that I had such a wonderful supportive family to fall back on. The people I had tried so hard to get away from were the ones that were really there for me when I needed them. I think that was my first grown up lesson. On March 29, 1996 I became a teenage mother. A single teenage mother. That was one of the happiest moments of my life. But mixed in with the happiness were also feelings of sadness, I had brought a helpless little baby into the world and his father was nowhere to be found. That has been the way that it has been since then. He helped make the baby (on purpose I have to add) but all the responsibility landed on my shoulders.
In April of 2000, I met a guy who seemed perfect for me. We enjoyed doing the same things and he was really good to my son. One of the first times that we had sex the condom broke. I will never forget the feelings of dread that I had. When it came time for my period, of course it never showed up. I remember just trying n ot to think about it. The day that I took the pregnancy test I called him home from work and told him. He was so supportive and happy! I was so relieved. The next weekend we told our families.
Soon after Memorial Day I got a call from a girl he had dated before. She knew things that she could have only known if he told her. Like the days of the month and times that I had gone to work, or things that my son had said or done. She told me that she had still been seeing him the whole time we had been together, and she thought I should know since now I was pregnant by him. i kicked him out of my house, but a few days later took him back. I didn't want to bring another baby into this world without 2 parents. He came back and then I saw him with another girl. I kicked him out for good.
I kept trying to figure out how I was going to take care of 2 kids. Even though I had always considered myself pro-life i found myself looking up abortion clinics in the phone book. The people who answered the phones told me exactly what I wanted to hear, it would be painless, there would be counselors there to talk to, it would be private. I made the appointment, but I couldn't keep it. I pretended like nothing had changed in my life, I tried to ignore the fact that I had a child growing inside of me. But there came a point where I had to make a decision. I had got back in touch with a wonderful man that I had dated years ago. Of course he didn't know that I was almost 5 months pregnant. In a bikini you couldn't even tell. He came to visit me, and after he left we decided that we were going to try to build a life together. So, I made the appointment and kept it this time.
It was a 2 day procedure. The first day I went in and they inserted a small match stick like object into my cervix to make it soften. They sent me home and told me now that I couldn't back out because I was too far along and that I would miscarry anyway now.
So I went to a friends house to spend the night. I told him that I was having a cyst removed the next day and asked him to drive me. The next day on the way to the clinic I told him what was really going on. He said he figured that. He was really supportive. I will always remember that.
I don't really remember the wait, my memory goes from walking in with all of the protestors yelling and taking pictures to being up on the table. I kept asking the nurse to give me medicine so that I would not remember anything. She gave me a shot of something and some gas, but I remember everything. That is part of my punishment, having to remember. I was shaking and crying. At one point I remember praying to God and asking for forgiveness for what I was about to do. I knew I was Wrong. But I did it anyway because it was the easiest thing for me to do. Instead of face up to my responsibilities. The doctor came into the room. After the machine came on I changed my mind, but it was too late. The nurses had to hold my legs apart and hold my arms down. The next day I had bruises.
The ride home to my friends was terrible. I didn't cry until I got there. Then I laid in bed and cried and cried. I mourned the baby that I killed. And still to this day I mourn for that poor helpless child I killed. God Please forgive me.
This is the pain I will endure for the rest of my life. And this is what I deserve.
If you are reading this and you are considering abortion just know that the pain never goes away. It is always there, even in the happy moments. You never forget, and you never forgive yourself...
The day after my abortion 4 year old son and I moved in with the man I was talking about earlier. We now have a beautiful 6 month old baby boy that I adore and look forward to seeing grow up strong and healthy....
But what about the child I will never see grow up. I will always wonder about that baby. After my abortion I was crying and upset, I asked the nurses if the baby was a boy or a girl, but they wouldn't tell me. I wanted to see for myself, to see what I had done, to punish myself but they wouldn't let me. I will always remember.
Brenda |
