The love I Couldn't Cherish

The Love I Couldn't Cherish

Author: kpopchild

“So here I am again, willing to be open up and broken like a flower in the rain.” “Flower In The Rain” - Jaci Velasquez

I once had a best friend. He and I, were like peas in a pod. I loved him. He was my one and only true friend. But I was too far away to realize it. I was too involved with what goes on with me to be concerned about him. Yes, I admit I was too self-centered and greedy. When I was left in fear and doubt, he would always be there to be my shield, my shelter. He...the one that I couldn't allow myself to see. The one that I wouldn't allow myself to open up to. His love was the love that I couldn't cherish...and now I miss him.

***

A cold feel of my mothers back hand slapped across my cheeks. I winced in pain as I felt my eyes moistened. The second time that month that my life had seemed to be going downhill. She angrily spat back at me with her long lectures and angry piercing eyes. I gazed my look down to the wooden floor below me and hoped to not be hit again.

“Umma, I'm sorry,” I apologized in a low barely hearable mumble.

“Sorry? What makes you think sorry will get you out of this young lady?” My mother shouted back with both hands on her hips. Her lean fingers were ready to strike on me again.

“Please Mrs. Kim! Don't hit her anymore! It was all my fault!” Minwoo shouted as he just suddenly jumped into the room where I was standing in front of my mother.

“Stay out of this Minwoo! Kim Soo Jung, you know better than this!” My mother announced with her outrageous voice penetrating through both our ears. I slightly tilted my head to him and mouthed out for him to get out. He hesitated as he looked at my mother, still ready to lay another one on me. He was about to walk out, but suddenly grabbed my hand and pulled me out the door with him.

“Soo Jung! Come back here!” My mother's voice echoed from the background as Minwoo and I kept running. We ran down the rocky path that led to the river nearby. Our part of the town was more country like, with steady streams and glamourous forests.

“Minwoo! Stop! I can't run any more!” I panted for breath. He finally stopped and let go of my hand. His hands were resting on his knees as he too, gasped for breath.

“Are you okay?” He asked as he shot a glance at me. I nodded and swallowed.

“What are you thinking? Mom will kill me once I return tonight!” I said as I punched his arm.

“I didn't want her to hit you. She'll only kill me.” Minwoo managed to crack a smile. I couldn't help but smile back. He was my best friend. Funny how sometimes best friend can make the best of each other's days.

***

“Minwoo, I don't want to go to school,” I whined as I carelessly wanted to just drop down and sleep on the dirt ground.

“Come on! Stop being so lazy Soo Jung. You know you love playing the violin,” Minwoo said as he grabbed my backpack and carried it over his shoulder, next to his own. I removed the hair strands out of my face as I glared up at the summer sun.

“Yeah, but mom says I'll have to drop it soon. It's too expensive Minwoo.” A bit of disappointed hinted in my voice. Minwoo stopped walking and looked back at me, his face serious and surprised.

“No Soo Jung. You'll stay in that class.” He continued to walk. “And you'll become a great violinist! When you play for the gold, I will be there.”

“That's a dream Minwoo.” I smiled weakly as I followed him.

“Dreams can come true,” he responded as he turned around and stopped, facing me squarely.

“This one is hard,” I complained with an incongruous grin. His index finger reached over and touched my nose. A playful smile danced across his lips.

“I promise that you will stay in that class.”

“Honestly?” I asked. He was always honest with me. It was a promise he had made himself a long time ago, that he would never dodge the truth from me, now matter how odd the truth was. And as far as Minwoo knew, I had always done the same with him. I loved the candor and openness we shared as friends.

“Honestly,” he replied.

***

After graduation, Minwoo left town. He didn't really tell me why he was leaving, but he promised that he would write and visit me as much as he could. I stayed in that class as he promised, somehow. Minwoo works in weird ways you can say. Indeed, he is a weird man. He was never really open with me, especially when it came to his feelings. Minwoo was an indefatigable person, working from day to night. He worked hard throughout his senior year, seeing me only in the morning, and late afternoons when he walked me home.

I stayed in the studying room all day that day. I tried to concentrate on my notes for the upcoming Winter recital that the school was going to hold. This could be my chance to be recognized and be accepted to Wong Sue Han's music school.

“Soo Jung, you have a letter.” My incongruous attempts at keeping the violin straight beneath my chin went to horrible when my friend Mi Hae walked in uninvited and handed me a small blue envelope. I smiled and thanked her. Blue envelopes were usually from Minwoo.

I set down my violin and carefully pried open the small envelope. Inside I pulled out a small note. It was him of course. I smiled excitedly as I read what was going on with his life. I thought he was lucky, being the one to be able to get out of this old town and actually do something with his life. He was more free and independent, while I get to stay here with my stubborn parents, hoping for a scholarship to Won Sue Han's so I could have a good enough reason to leave too.

Hey Soo Jung,

How are your studies going? You better be getting good grades! I will be back to check up on you shortly. I know I said I would be coming last month, but something came up. I'm sure you're busy with your violin practices anyway. Keep your chin up – I'll be watching you.

-Minwoo

I carefully slid the small note back into the blue envelope. I call it a note, rather than a letter, because Minwoo never wrote more than one paragraph. He was always so busy, so full of life. I at least hoped he was happy.

***

I touched the strings of my violin and whispered to it. I talk to my violin sometimes. We cooperate very well. It makes me feel better when I know that my violin will actually play. This is it. Two and a half years of playing, I should be too familiar with it, yet I feel as if I do not know anything about it. My infelicity was really wearing me out. I paced around nervously backstage as my teacher ordered students to their places.

“Soo Jung! You ready?” Mrs. Ahn shouted at me. I nodded and swallowed hard. I grabbed the nearby water bottle and drank down the rest of it. I kissed the tip of my violin and prepared for my solo. God help me.

I sat down in the stool and crossed my legs under my long black skirt. I had tied my hair up into a bun that night to keep it out of my face. I took a small breath to not look so nervous and waited for my cue. Everything in that room seemed so dark. All of the people sitting in the audience seemed to be waiting for me patiently. I started. I played and played. The inflorescence of my symphony played quite well, astonishing me. I soon became entwined with the rhythm of the outstretched sound coming from my violin. I began to drift off as the world slowly faded away. I only wanted to leave this town so bad

I finished, barely able to walk backstage. I felt as if I had just lost 10 pounds when Mi Hae crashed into me and hugged me. I placed my violin away in its box and walked out farther backstage, looking for more water. Mi Hae's part was coming up next, but I had to get some water or else I would have collapsed.

I finally reached the backroom where they reserved all the drinks. I greedily opened up a water bottle and drank it, feeling the cool water slip down my warm throat. I closed my eyes and held onto the bottle like it was the last thing on earth.

A pair of applause was heard from behind me. I wisped around and saw Minwoo standing there, leaning on the door entrance, his face halfway covered by the shadows. I could make out a grin on his face. His different face. He had grown so different since I had seen him last. That was last year. His legs were crossed one over the other and his arms quickly followed after his applause.

“Minwoo?” I breathed out, half shocked and half happy to see him there.

“You were great. I told you I'd come,” He said as he walked into the room. I stood still in front of the table where all the drinks were and waited for something to happen. Anything. This was all too much. Seeing my best friend after one year and getting past that gut wrenching performance was all too much.

“Minwoo?” I still couldn't believe it. He walked out from the shadows and miraculously, he was holding a red rose in his left hand. He was dressed casually in black slacks and a loose black buttoned up shirt, covered by a leather jacket. I couldn't help but stare in awe.

“Congrats.” He grinned as he handed me the rose. I took it slowly and replied back at thanks as I smiled in return.

We sat out in a small restaurant later that night just to catch up on old times. I had changed into a pair of jeans and a comfortable sky blue sweater. I reached my hand down below just to make sure that my bag and violin are not forgotten. He chuckled as he let out another joke.

“So what do you do now Minwoo? You look like you're happy?” I asked looking up with interest and excitement in my eyes.

“Who me? Haha. Nah, I don't know Soo Jung. Life's been the same,” he replied with a slight shrug. Now this didn't seem like the Minwoo I knew. He leaned in and poured himself another shot of Soju. He had been drinking nothing but that all night long while I drank warm tea only. I didn't mind. Minwoo was my old best friend, and I loved spending time with him.

“So how's your mom and dad doing?” He asked to break the silence. I smiled and bit my lips.

“They're okay. Mom's still complaining about my school classes. She says it's too expensive, and my job isn't paying off either.” I lowered my gaze to the floor where I stared there until I sensed Minwoo looking down upon me. He was standing up.

“Come on Soo Jung. I'll walk you home.” He tossed a few bills onto the table and walked around the other side as he headed towards the exit. I quickly grabbed my things and followed him out. He wouldn't wait for me, so I had to catch up. He was still treating me like he had a few years ago. He was always trying to ditch me when I had to carry my heavy backpack uphill to catch up. Then when we reached the top of the hill, he would grab my bag and carry it downhill. I guess I'll never know this Minwoo guy huh?

“Have you gotten a boyfriend yet?” Minwoo asked out of the blues when we neared my house. I looked to the side where he was and laughed. His mysterious dark eyes gazed into mines with his eyebrows raised in amusement.

“No,” I replied crossing my arms.

“Why not? You're beautiful,” He said with his half smile.

“Uh huh. Yeah Minwoo, whatever.” I walked ahead of him, leaving him to follow. “And you smell like lavender and lilac.” I ignored his compliments. I was blushing like mad, so I turned and walked off until I heard some shuffling for something from Minwoo and turned back around. He stuck a cigarette in his mouth and was looking for his lighter.

“You smoke?” I asked a bit surprised. He didn't answer. He found the lighter and in a matter of seconds, his smoke came to life as he breathed out the poisonous smoke into the cold air. He walked up beside me and continued to smoke it.

“Minwoo, you know smoking's bad for you,” I confirmed as I hugged the case of my violin closer to me.

“Yeah, I know. So what? Nobody cares.” He shrugged and continued smoking.

“But I do,” I implied as I looked up at his face. He glanced down and stopped moving.

“Don't do that,” He said as he turned back up to the sky.

“Do what?” I asked curiously.

“Don't look at me like that. That pouty face of yours. It won't kill me.” His answer sounded a bit harsh. I didn't know whether to laugh or yell at him. I didn't reply any further to him. Instead, I just walked on ahead and ignored him.

“Soo Jung!” I heard him call.

“What?” I asked a bit impatient once he caught up to me. His fragile looking eyes were trying to search for mine, trying to find any way to connect to me.

“Are you mad at me?” He asked as if I was so stupid.

“No Minwoo. I'm not mad. Why should I be mad? I only care about your health so much,” I staggered as I kept on walking. His footsteps followed me.

“Soo Jung, look, I'm sorry okay? Don't be mad.” I didn't reply. I kept on walking. Somehow my house seemed to be so far away at this moment.

“Soo Jung!” He pulled my elbow back, forcing me to face him. I glared up at him with a cold hard look on my face. “Look! I'm going to quit for you okay?” He threw the cigarette onto the ground and stepped on it. I crossed my arms and looked on. He pulled out his pack of cigarettes and tossed it to the ground, followed by his lighter. His face lightened up. I couldn't help but crack a silly grin as I dropped my arms. He suddenly pulled me into a tight hug, embracing me tightly against his chest and shoulders. I stood there dumbfounded.

“I missed you Soo Jung,” he said softly into my ears. Not knowing what to do, I slowly put my hands up to pat his shoulders, as if hugging him back.

“Um, Minwoo, I missed you too,” I replied feeling a bit stupid and lost of why Minwoo had hugged me so suddenly. He released me and sighed.

“I have to leave now,” he announced.

“What? Why? You just got here...” I stated with wide eyes.

“I know. I only came to see you. I have to go back into town by morning. I'll write to you.” He stepped back. I could only stand there, not able to believe that he was going to leave again. This time would be a long one again until I would see him again.

“Okay, write to me then.” I narrowed my eyes. He nodded.

“You did wonderful tonight. They'll call you and tell you that they want you to go to their school,” he said with a smile. I looked up one last time and smiled at his comment. He walked up one more step and leaned in. He kissed me lightly on my cheek. I felt myself blush immediately, but hid it by playfully slapping his arm away. With a last smile from him, he turned around and walked back down the rocky path that we came from. I slowly turned the opposite direction and walked off to my house, not looking back.

***

It's been another year, and I did not receive any blue envelopes from him. I miss him dearly. I sighed as I sat still in my desk, in Wong Sue Han's violin room. A finger tapped on the podium in front of me, causing my attention towards it. Hannah's bright smiling face appeared in front of me.

“Hey! Thinking of someone?” She asked with her silly grin. I shook my head no.

“Where's everybody today?” I asked looking behind her for anybody that would appear. Nobody of course.

“There's an event tonight Soo Jung. Down at Jo's place. You're coming right?” She raised one eyebrow at me. I shrugged.

“I don't know Hannah. We'll see.” I looked back to the music sheet and tried to concentrate once more on my key notes.

“Aww, come on Soo Jung. Don't be like that! You should go out once in a while. Just for tonight okay? Please?” Hannah begged.

“What?” I started laughing. She frowned and crossed her arms stubbornly.

“Fine, be like that!” Hannah turned around and sat down next to me.

“I'm just joking Hannah. Sure, I'll come,” I assured her. Her face brightened up as she hugged me happily. I blew away the hair strand that was in my face.

There was a big crowd at Jo's Bar that night. They could hardly get in the door; the women in evening suits and cocktail dresses standing elbow to elbow at the bar, with men in dark suits, white shirts and dark ties, looking very sophisticated and intelligent. I nudged Hannah and asked if we were going to the be at the right place, because it didn't seem like a normal night at Jo's.

“I wonder if these people will know who we are,” I said to Hannah as we strode pass a lot of people who just gave us long up and down stares. She was looking not worried, but amused. Her conscience was clear, even if it was unusual for her to be at such a fancy place. I looked down at my black laced dress and frowned. Maybe it was just too simple looking, compared to the overly fashioned outfits these other women were wearing.

“Welcome everybody! Tonight is Mr. Choi Sung Jin's birthday! Have a great time and enjoy yourselves!” The party host's announcement rang throughout the entire party as the crowd applauded. I turned to my side where Hannah was, but mistakenly it was just the shoulder of a tall man. I looked around for Hannah, but she was nowhere to be found. I began to feel anxious and nervous that I would not find her.

Finally I gave up with exhaust. I walked over to the bar and picked up a wine glass. Drinking it down easily, I heard somebody approach me. I was going to start yelling at Hannah but suddenly stopped when it was Minwoo. He was dressed casually in his usual black attire, but this time looking more formal.

“Soo Jung, we meet again,” he smiled.

“Minwoo? Hey, what are you doing here? How have you been?” I asked immediately cheering up.

“It's not my party, but I'm here on a special job. Do people know you around here?” he asked as he looked at my dress. I looked down to inspect it also, incase there was something stained on there.

“Hardly,” I replied amused. “Everyone knows who you are probably. In spite the fact that you think no one does. But they have no idea who I am.”

“I could make an announcement if you want. Or we could go from table to table and I could introduce you to everyone, and then I could tell them that you are my best friend. Do you think that would tell them what they want to know Soo Jung?” Neither of us was drunk, but just sated, happy and extremely relaxed to see each other again after so long.

“No!” I laughed.

“Come on,” he urged as he grabbed my wrist and dragged me to the first table. I became serious immediately and tried to slap his hand away.

“No! Minwoo, no!” I exclaimed, but he brought me right up to the first table. He smiled and spoke loudly to everyone sitting there, still holding onto my wrist tightly.

“Everybody, this is Kim Soo Jung. She is my best friend,” he said proudly as he put an arm around my shoulders and squished me up against him. I tried to push away, but Minwoo's hold was firm, as he kept on smiling at the guests sitting at the table, who were just giving us weird stares.

“Moving on,” Minwoo announced as he suddenly pulled me away from the table to the next table.

“Minwoo! Stop!” I couldn't help myself from laughing at his idiotic attempts. I saw a nearby exit, and took the chance for it. Instead of Minwoo dragging me, I dragged him out. He was near laughter by the time we were out into the cold frosty air outside the party.

“You are crazy,” I muttered as I rubbed my hands together.

“It's not my fault you wanted to meet people,” he said defensively.

“I never said that!” I glared angrily at him, feeling embarrassed. I laid back on the cold cement wall and looked up to the stars.

“Are you cold?” he asked as he came near and stood straight across from me.

“No, I'm not,” I replied with a slight smile. “You look so...different Minwoo. When was the last time I saw you?”

“I don't remember. It's been a while huh? Ah, I missed you too,” he returned the smile. “And how do I look different? More...handsome?” He started chuckling.

“Never,” I slapped his arm back playfully. He and I were both laughing by then. I didn't realize that I had missed my best friend this much until now. After a while, we stayed quiet as he laid back onto the cement wall next to me, also staring into the night sky.

“Soo Jung, how's life treating you?” he asked, not looking at me. His voice was soft and almost monotone like without emotions. I thought this was kind of odd at this moment.

“Good, how about you?” I asked with a sight nod. The moment had already grew so silent. Hardly the sound of the loud party could be heard now.

“I'm always wondering the road of independent life, aimlessly beneath the barren sky. It won't be long before I get too old,” he replied with the same chilling tone. I lowered my eyelids and leaned my head on his shoulders.

“I wish there was a way for me to retrace my steps,” he continued.

“What are you talking about Minwoo? You're only 23,” I replied quietly.

“You don't understand Soo Jung. It's not always that easy,” he argued. I lifted my head and turned to him. He looked up at saw my face in disbelief.

“So Minwoo, that's why you have to make the best of it,” I implied with a nod and emphasis on ‘you.'

“I do?” he asked a bit dumbfounded. I nodded again.

“And you have to not let those moments you want to pass you by. You must take the chance and catch what you want,” I continued to lecture him with my professor's voice. He smiled.

“Really?” he asked as he straighten up and smiled in amusement. I nodded again.

“You have to think about life and in life, we have love and happiness. I don't see you having either of those two,” I said with a cool attitude. He shook his head with a slight chuckle.

“Catch what you want huh?” he restated.

“Yes,” I arched both my brows up at him. He leaned in closer to me. I wondered what the hell was he doing. It was too late to move. Minwoo's breath could be felt on my nose when I squeezed my eyes shut and felt his lips pressing upon mines. My arms were the only things keeping us a few inches away as he continued to kiss me. It felt strange, yet so right in his embrace.

He finally pulled back as I tried to catch my breath. I stared at his buttons in shock. I couldn't look at his face, because I was probably blushing like mad again. I didn't know what to do but stare at his buttons.

“I want you Soo Jung,” he whispered as he stepped back. I had never before felt this way when he said that to me. His eyes were deep and wise and sad beneath his faint smile. I could foresee no life in his future other than the one he had. Hope for a better life had eluded him years ago.

“What?” I breathed out still shocked. His face softened as he smiled and stepped a few inches back.

“I love you Soo Jung,” Minwoo said as he looked me in the eyes. They were filled with a mysterious black fire that sparkled.

“Minwoo, I think...you are just drunk. Um, I love you too, but you are my best friend,” I replied as dumbly as I could. I knew I was just lying, but it felt weird to be kissing my best friend like this.

“I know Soo Jung, but I want to be more than just best friends with you. I–...”

“Is that a gun Minwoo?” I asked shocked when the side of his jacket shifted. I saw his black gun stuck by the side of his belt. I looked up with wide eyes, not knowing who this man really was.

“Huh?” Minwoo looked to the side and quickly covered it with his jacket. He looked away with a worried look on his face.

“You're not a cop, are you?” I asked.

“No,” he replied back. I could tell his face was growing more anxious and worried.

“I think you got me drunk,” I said apologetically, but felt like a prisoner who had just escaped, and no longer wanted to be honest with him, breaking the promise I had promised so many years ago.

“Are you all right?” He was worried that he had done something to upset me, but on the contrary, what I felt was so deep and it moved me so much that I couldn't find the right words. I just quickly nodded as I looked down to the ground. I was startled when I had seen in Minwoo's eyes. It was a look I had never seen before. I thought it was the wine and the closeness we'd always shared, but there was something tender and warm in the way he had looked at me.

“I have to go now,” I said as he shifted his foot to go back inside. He didn't bother looking at me again or saying goodbye. I didn't blame him. I was too ashamed after what I just did. He had told me he loved me and I had ignored it.

I walked back into the party room ten minutes later. Mr. Choi Sung Jin was on the stage, bowing to his guests. He stood tall and proud, smiling like he had just won a million dollars. The middle aged man with dark eyes and cool slicked back hair quickly fixed his tie, preparing to speak in front of his guests. I wanted to look around for Minwoo, but I couldn't bear myself to face him. I found Hannah, talking to another person. I started for her immediately but stopped when I heard a gunshot, coming from the middle of the room. I looked back up at the stage, but now Mr. Choi Sung Jin was down on the ground, with blood oozing out of his chest. Screams filled the room as people panicked and ran.

“Minwoo...” I gasped out. He did it. He killed Mr. Choi Sung Jin. But why?

***

Another year has now passed. I have not heard from him since. I had only received one blue envelope from him this year. It was short as usual. His words were in the same meanings, his meanings, in the same tone. I told no one of what Minwoo had done. I didn't know why, but I just couldn't bring myself to tell it when the news was out that Mr. Choi Sung Jin was assassinated. I kept the secret to myself. Only I knew that night that Minwoo was carrying a gun, and I intended to keep it that way.

I sat outside of the small coffee café and enjoyed my book, reading away the afternoon as the only sound passing me by were just the few cars that appeared once in a while. People went on their way, nobody minding what others did. There was so much peace in that instant of time. I looked up from my book and saw Minwoo, walking out of a black car. He looked ever so mysterious with his shadowy figure and careless hair as he approached a mailbox. Slipping something into it, he was going back to his car, but I stepped out of my seat and called out to him. He didn't seem to hear me.

“Minwoo!” I called out again. He slightly turned to see me running towards him across the streets. His face looked at me questioningly. I stopped before crossing the streets as I waved at him with a smile. He slowly smiled and waved back.

“How are you?” He asked later when we were both walking down to the Wong Sue Han music school. The answer was just the same. I suddenly grew mad at him and brought up the question of why he had killed Mr. Choi Sung Jin.

“It's none of your business,” he muttered back as if I was invading his privacy.

“It will be if I tell them it was you who killed him,” I replied back stinging his intentions. The argument went on until everything died down a bit.

“I'm sorry Soo Jung,” he apologized with sorrow in his eyes.

“That's what you always say. What kind of friend are you? You call yourself my best friend, yet you never tell me what is going on with you, and you always ignore me. You are just selfish and cold-hearted Minwoo!” I said as harshly as I could without breaking down.

“I'm selfish and cold-hearted?” he asked with his eyes blazing with fire.

“You're greedy and...and you don't have any feelings!” I shouted back with tear stung red eyes.

“Listen here Soo Jung, I don't know what you are talking about, but it seems like you're sure damn not appreciating my generosity here,” he replied defensively.

“You only care about yourself Minwoo! That's how you always are. That's how you've been for six years now!”

“And do you know what I've done for six years?!” He bursted out. I didn't reply, but I had my hands balled into fists at my side angrily. “I worked my head off for six years for you! Who bought you roses every year for your birthday? Who paid off all your schooling bills? Who paid for your living expenses, your housing costs, your books? Who kept their promises? I did Soo Jung! I did! And I'm the best friend that you'll ever lose!” His angered words were bitterly stabbing my heart as I started to crumble before him.

“Liar...you...you didn't do that?” I asked in shock not wanting to believe that he paid for my violin lessons and all. His anger was still near boiling point.

“I work for the secret government Soo Jung, that's why I killed that man! Because I am a professional hired assassin! And do you know why I killed? I killed so I could get the money to keep you doing the things you love! I want you to do the things you love to keep you happy because I love you!”

I stared back at him with quivering lips. I couldn't believe it. Not even the words I wanted to say were remembered by my vivid memory. I wanted to hate him so much.

Honesty. He lied to me.

Love. He hid from me.

Hate. He loved me.

Promise. He kept me.

“But I don't love you,” I said weakly in the most calmest voice I could compose. I was near shaking by now. I did not know him anymore. I quickly walked around him and ran.

“Soo Jung!” He called after me in a panicked voice. I stopped when I heard a sharp gunshot hit somewhere in distance. I turned around and saw Minwoo crouching. I breathed faster and harder as I stood there frozen. What happened? Did Minwoo shoot? My eyes quickly caught glance of another person above a roof on the building behind where we were standing. The man was dressed completely in black, with a dark cap on as he pulled his sharp shooter gun out of sight.

Minwoo's limp body fell down completely to the ground, face first. His cheek lightly hit the pavement with his eyes closed. I stood there terrified when I saw fresh red blood oozing out slowly from his neck. I wanted to run to him, but my legs died on me. I dropped down and sat still, grasping my chest as if my heart was going to untangle itself and fall down.

I saw his eyelids slowly opened as he looked directly at my terrified face. His hand uncurled from under him and reached out to me with bloody fingers. Everything was like a slow motion effect when I wished that this would all just rewind and I had stood there long enough for the killer to shoot me instead of him. I was in the way. I was blocking Minwoo until I ran.

His hands slowly fell back down again. I could tell he breathed out one last time before his eyelids slowly closed as his own blood now covered his cheek that was laying on the ground.

“Minwoo! Minwoo!” I cried out. I stopped panting. I wanted to go to him. He needed me. He was laying there in his own pool of blood, slowly dying while I stood across from him in another world. I had to get to him. I slowly crawled on my knees and hand until I could barely stand. I crawled, walked, and cried until I was beside him.

“Minwoo..get up,” I said quietly as I shook his shoulder. I sat down next to him and tried to wake him up like a little child would to her mother when her mother fell asleep, except for this time Minwoo wasn't sleeping.

“No...” I cried as I sat there still. I felt my tears trickle down my cheek and run off my chin, down to Minwoo's shoulder below. Blood was all over my arms and peach sweater. “Wake up Minwoo. You're my best friend.”

***

I locked myself in my room for days, refusing any attention to anyone who dare trod into my territory. I isolated myself from the world. I hated myself. I was the cause of his death, and I was to be blamed for. He was the one who never did anything wrong. He was the one who was always in the background, making sure that I was in the spotlight. When lies become the truth. Worst of all was, my last words to him when he was alive was “But I don't love you...” I lied. I had lied to him.

Hannah slipped a blue envelope under my door when I refused to open it. She didn't have to bother with knocking, because she knows I'll never open the door. I stared at the blue envelope for a long time, but then something in the still air whispered to me, causing me reach for it. It was the one Minwoo mailed out on the day he died. My fingers trembled weakly as I forgot that I hadn't eaten in days.

Opening carefully the blue envelope, I slipped out the letter. This time it was a letter. It wasn't a note, rather a letter. I felt my eyes getting warm when I opened the letter that was folded in three sections.

Soo Jung,

What more can I say huh? You know you're my one and only best friend. I've known you for almost half of my life, and I wish that you could see that I truly do love you, not as your friend, but more than that. It's okay if you don't want to start a new relationship with me other than your friend, but I am giving you time.

There is no more time.

I'm sorry I never told you this, but after a long time of thinking, I will tell you. I work for a secret government, as an assassin. The money pays off good, even though I have to go through hard times of killing. I think of you all the time. I am doing this for you.

I'm sorry Minwoo.

He always says that. He just had to include that. What would a letter from Minwoo be if he didn't mention my violin practices? I know you are watching me Minwoo. You are my angel.

Even though life and its troubles had caused us to be distance, I hope you know that I am always thinking of you, and that you are in my heart. I can still remember your scent of lavenders and lilac. I love you Soo Jung, and I hope that one day you will return the same feelings to me.

But I do love you Minwoo. I always have. I've only realized it now. I've always loved you more than my best friend. I'm sorry.

-Minwoo. I love you Minwoo. I love you. I loved you then, I love you now. I'll love you forever.

He was the one who chose to give his life for me. He dedicated his life to keep me happy, and in return, he lost his. Good bye my friend, it's hard to die, but think of me, and I'll be there.

His love was the love that I couldn't cherish...and now I miss him.

The End 5/20/03

kpopchild//2003