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| How stupid we really are | |||||||||||||||||||||||
| On Bottled water- Ingrediants: Water. [And you would've thought...?] On a Sears hairdryer - "Do not use while sleeping." [Yea and that's the only time we'd have to work on our hair...] On a bag of Fritos - "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." [What is this?the shoplifter special?] On a bar of Dial soap - "Directions: Use like regular soap." [And that would be how?] On some Swanson frozen dinners - "Serving suggestion: Defrost." [But it's JUST a SUGGESTION.] On Tesco's Tiramisu Dessert [printed on bottom] - "Do not turn upside down." [Well, duh! A bit late, huh?] On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - "Product will be hot after heating." [And you thought... ?] On packaging for a Rowenta iron - "Do not iron clothes on body." [But wouldn't this save me more time?] On Boot's Children Cough Medicine - "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." [We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those five year olds with head colds off those forklifts!] On Nytol Sleep Aid - "Warning: May cause drowsiness." [And I'm taking this because... ?] On most brands of Christmas lights - "For indoor or outdoor use only." [As opposed to what?] On a Japanese food processor - "Not to be used for the other use." [Now, someone help me out on this. I'm a bit confused.] On Sunsbury's Peanuts - "Warning: contains nuts." [Talk about a news flash!] On an American Airlines packet of nuts - "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." [Thank you Captain Obvious. Don't forget to tell me to blink in a few seconds either.] On a child's Superman costume - "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." [I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.] On a Swedish chainsaw - "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." [Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?] | |||||||||||||||||||||||
| 50 reasons why being a girl rocks | |||||||||||||||||||||||
| 1.We can wear guys clothes. If they wear ours, they get funny looks from people! 2.Our friends dont say hello to us by punching us on the arm. 3.Yea- PMS sucks. But at least we have a good excuse to pig out on chocolate and ice-cream for a week. 4.If we're on a really big ship that happens to hit an iceberg, we'll probably get first dibs on a lifeboat. 5.We get the bigger apartment on Friends. 6. Girl talk. You know, how we just understand each other without having to explain stuff. 7.We never have to stand at a urinal and have other girls stare at us. 8.Dark circles under the eyes? A hickey? We can just cover them up with a little concealer. ( how do guys live without that stuff?) 9.We dont have to shave our faces. (ouch that must hurt) 10.We can jump around a lot and shake our hair and it looks like we know how to dance. 11.ben, josh, travis+blink, fred, Need i explain this one? 12.We get yummy chocolates and flowers from guys!! 13.We dont have to dowse our food in Tabasco sauce just to look tough...lol 14.That whole circumcision thing! 15.When we get married we get to keep our own name or choose one that we like even better. 16.We dont have to deal with sideburns. Whats up with those anyway? 17.At least one girl always survives in horror flicks. 18.We never have to wear tighty-whities (or jock straps!) 19.Even if we are ugly we have make-up to fix it! 20.We can take stuffed animals to bed no matter how old we are. 21.We dont have to wear tuxedos to the prom. 22.Nose hair, ear hair, back hair- so not a problem for us. 23.SLUMBER PARTIES! Guys just dont know how much fun those are. 24.We dont have to worry about getting hurt, um, down there. 25.That special bond we have with our moms-some day. 26.We dont feel the need to slap our teammates butt when she makes a good play. 27.Nobody makes fun of us for liking BSB or N'sync Well almost nobody. 28.Pick up lines. They're not something we need to practice. 29.We can get away with wearing platform shoes without looking goofy. 30.We give really really good advice. 31.On t.v. shows we're always the ones that have coolest supernatural powers. 32.Dollhouse, Delia's, XOXO, Wet Seal. 33.We can put cotton balls between our toes, paint our nails, and not feel the least bit silly. 34.Daria and Lisa Simpson are girls. 35.Bevis and Butt-Head arent funny. 36.The coolest, sweetest songs and poems have been writen about us. 37.We dont have to sit on our wallets. 38.And our wallets have a place for change.39.Its entirely possible that we will marry Ben Affleck some day. 40.Our lives do not revolve around ESPN SportsCenter. 41.We can wear dresses without getting really weird looks from people. 42.Its not required that we learn how to spit when we are young. 43.We are called tomboys, Boys are called girlie. 44.Fiona, Shiri, Kathrine, Majandra, Alanis, Gwen.45.We have nicer handwriting than guys. Well its true. 46.Our magazines have Horoscopes. 47.We dont have to stuff boxers in our jeans.(How can that be comfortable?) 48.Female pro athletes arent overpaid egomaniacs.(yet) 49.Girls with guy first names (like Joey) sound cool,but it doesnt work the other way around. 50.We look great in tank tops. | |||||||||||||||||||||||
| Pick up lines | |||||||||||||||||||||||
| Help, I'm lost which way to your place? Excuse me, do you mind if I stare at you for a minute? I want to remember your face for my dreams! Get out of my dreams and into my life! Hello, I love you won't you tell me your name? The only thing that looks good on me is you! I didnt believe in angels 'til I met you! See you tonight at your place! If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me? I lost my number, can I have yours? You must be tired...you've been running through my mind all day. If you were my booger, I'd pick you first. (LoL) If I were rearranging the alphabet, I'd put U next to I. Excuse me, you don't know me but I think you should. | |||||||||||||||||||||||
| Comback lines | |||||||||||||||||||||||
| Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic." Man: "Haven't I seen you some place before?" Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore." Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down." Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?" Man: "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine." Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too." Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "I'm a female impersonator." Man: "What sign were you born under?" Woman: "No Parking." Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do Not Enter." Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized!" Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason." Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone." Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts." Man: "I can tell that you want me." Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave." Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy." Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing." Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?" Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species." Man: "May I see you pretty soon?" Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?" Man: "Your hair color is fabulous." Woman: "Thank you. It's in aisle three at the corner drug store." Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today." Man: "I'd go through anything for you." Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account." Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?" Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic." Man: "Haven't I seen you some place before?" Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore." Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down." Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?" Man: "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine." Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too." Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "I'm a female impersonator." Man: "What sign were you born under?" Woman: "No Parking." Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do Not Enter." Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized!" Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason." Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!" Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone." Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts." Man: "I can tell that you want me." Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave." Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy." Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing." Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?" Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species." Man: "May I see you pretty soon?" Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?" Man: "Your hair color is fabulous." Woman: "Thank you. It's in aisle three at the corner drug store." Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today." Man: "I'd go through anything for you." Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account." Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?" | |||||||||||||||||||||||
| 60 ways to annoy a cop | |||||||||||||||||||||||
| 1. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer? There's no blood in my alcohol" 2. When they ask why you were speeding, tell them you wanted to race. 3. When they talk to you, pretend you are deaf. 4. If they ask if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to...... 5. When they ask why you were speeding, tell them you had to buy a hat. 6. Ask them where they bought their cool hat. 7. Refer to them by their first name. 8. Pretend you are gay and ask them out. 9. When they say no, cry. 10. If they say yes, accuse them of sexual harassment. 11. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way. 12. If they ask you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood. 13. When they asks you to spread them, tell them you don't go that way. 14. When they put the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first" 15. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers. 16. After you sign the ticket and give it to them, say "Oops! That's the wrong name." 17. Bribe them with donuts, and when they agree, tell them sorry, I just ate the last one. 18. When they come up to the car say "License and registration please" right when they say it. 19. When they go to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!" 20. Trip and fall into them. 21. Accuse them of police brutality when they push you away. 22. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with their pen. 23. Chew on the pen, nervously. 24. Clean your ear with the pen. 25. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring. 26. Ask them if they ever worked in a prison. If they say yes, ask how the plumbing was. 27. Act like you are retarded. 28. When they're telling you what you did wrong, start repeating them, quietly. 29. Or mumble to yourself. 30. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE? 31. When they come to the car, say I have a badge just like yours! 32. Ask if they watch Cops. 33. Ask if they ever watched Cop Rock. 34. Giggle if they did. 35. Talk to your hand. 36. Ask if they know somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends. 37. Accuse them of Sexual Harassment if they do. 38. When they frisk you, say You missed a spot, and grin. 39. When they ask to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it. 40. Try to sell them your car. 41. Ask if you can buy their car. 42. If they take you to the station, ask to sit in front. 43. Play with the siren. 44. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner. 45. If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner. 46. Oops...I meant OVER for dinner. 47. Ask if they ever had pu-tang. 48. If they ask what it is, point at them and giggle. 49. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in languages. 50. When they act confused, keep talking, look at them and laugh. 51. When you are in the back, touch their neck through the fencing. 52. Turn your head and whistle. 53. When they pull out their night stick, say what you gonna do with that. 54. If you are of the opposite sex, say I don't do that on the first date. 55. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, su*ck your thumb, and whine. 56. Ask if you can see their gun. 57. When they say you aren't allowed, tell them "I just wanted to see if mine was bigger." 58. Stare at their lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!" 59. Tell them you like men/women in uniform. 60. Ask if you can borrow their uniform for a Halloween party. | |||||||||||||||||||||||
| Freaky test | |||||||||||||||||||||||
| Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can! Again, as quickly as you can but don't advance until you've done each of them .... really. Now, scroll down (but not too fast, you might miss something). THINK of a number from 1 to 10 MULTIPLY that number by 9 If the number is a 2-digit number, ADD the digits together Now SUBTRACT 5 DETERMINE which letter in the alphabet corresponds to the number you ended up with (example: 1=a, 2=b, 3=c,etc.) THINK of a country that starts with that letter REMEMBER the last letter of the name of that country THINK of the name of an animal that starts with that letter REMEMBER the last letter in the name of that animal THINK of the name of a fruit that starts with that letter Are you thinking of a Kangaroo in Denmark eating an Orange? I told you this was FREAKY!! At least for me it was. If not for you, you're among the 2% of the population whose minds are different enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with kangaroos in Denmark eating oranges when given this exercise. Freaky, huh? Show this to your friends to see if they can determine if they are "usual" or "unusual". | |||||||||||||||||||||||