=== A Long, Hard Road
A FF7 Alternate Universe fanfic
"Dreams are not lost, they merely fall beneath the ashes
Of what is left to the soul, from where it starts to where it catches
And this is our time until it passes
You must remember me."
- Josh Joplin Group, Matter
Chapter Twenty-Five
She had been beautiful once. Once, when the very first flash of light brought life to the void... back when /everything/ had been different, and her song had matched the stars' in power and glory, and the universe had been her paradise, the future nothing but wonder...
If she had ever feared anything, it was that even those memories were slipping away now, right along with everything else.
It wasn't supposed to be this way. No matter how much of herself she lost, no matter what she became, she would always remember, that this just /wasn't/ right.
So difficult to remember now, though, those sweet dark distant times... Names had been nothing then, not for she, the solitary, the destroyer... but she had not been what she was now, and the name she had been given, something done by such fragile forms, so simply, now held a power over her she could not seem to break.
Jenova.
Not her name... not /her/... but it was so difficult to remember anymore, so difficult to place the point, where she ended, and the other... the other...
//Hojo.//
Revulsion shook her, rippled deep down, her entire being quivering with disgust... once she had not been his, nothing more than a part of him. Once, she had soared along the stars, drinking her fill from the most beautiful planets, swooping down, consuming and rising, filled, to sing with them in perfect joy, such a serene bliss... she had her place, the eternal, the universal...
The Cetra.
It wasn't hate, what she felt for them. How could it be, when she hadn't known it then, hadn't known emotion? Dropping to their planet, she had claimed one of them as her own, and went as she always had, to devour, to claim, to drink the sweet juices of the planet as a bee takes pollen, the baby to the mother's breast... it was her nature, it was her purpose...
It had all gone wrong. Terribly wrong. The creatures... they had been connected to the planet, and no matter how many were gone, how many she killed...
It hadn't been enough. She had scrambled, and clawed, and fought her way back to the stars, her home...
They would not let her go. She had killed too many, they knew she would kill again... it was her purpose, this was theirs...
Imprisoned, but she had never hated, didn't know hate... not until much later... when /he/ had found her, and done so much worse, locking her in that physical shell...
It was all too much, all one, all the same, and the further it progressed, the more she was aware of time, and the more she was aware... the further entwined she was, in the Planet, in the lives...
So many lives... she could feel them, feed off of them in small doses, until they disappeared... it was all she knew to do, still her purpose, but it didn't stop, /he/ didn't stop...
Cut up, drained out, pulled away from herself, the pieces larger and deeper, over time, the gaps in herself harder to fill...
- and the endless jumble of images, of feelings she could not have and faces she did not know... but she knew them /too well/, they were not /her/ and still she knew she knew she knew -
Pain. It was the first time she had felt pain, though it wouldn't be the last, not nearly, and she was born, born a wretched screaming thing that they could not hear did not see did not did not know...
Under their unblinking gaze, her dream of the stars was torn away, and she fell, fell into chaos, and blood...
Hazel eyes and silk black darkness, and something far from pain... but it slipped away, it all fell away...
Anger... anger that burned and boiled, and simmered... and died, and the mind that stirred the ashes drifted away... she lost her grasp on him, as he lost his grasp on the world, into dreams he hoped would never leave him, penance... penance... and he knew, and she /knew/... god it /hurt/... they /hurt/, and all she longed for was the pure brilliance of the stars, not to know these meaningless, painful words...
Tears. A sorrow that ate away, leaving only an empty shell, and such absolute despair... /why/... how could it hurt in so many ways... and that sorrow presence clung to her like a lover, cold and lost and alone, but she had no heat, nothing to provide to the strong one, until that strength was gone, and even she fell away... away...
The weeping woman slipped through her grasp... but how could she grasp, how could she have hands to make the movement, when she did not know 'hand' or 'foot' or love or hatred...
... but always there, in the night, she felt /him/... and did not have to know illness to feel ill.
"Jenova."
He would whisper her name in the darkness and still, always alone, and she could feel him, feel that anger, that disgust at his presence, like an oily film across her thoughts... why did he think he had rights to hold her? What did he /want/?
Not to be. Not to be human, he didn't belong with them, belonged nowhere, and he wanted to join her, wanted... wanted...
No one wanted to be alone, and even she, born in solitude, had absorbed that fatal flaw from him.
//Hojo.//
For that, she hated him most of all.
She begged to him in a silent scream, pleading for the stars even as her rage was stoked, as the Cetra and the past and all the time that had never been was twisted with his thoughts and /his/ mind and his control and she didn't know, was she always his, had she always been...?
No... because the stars have no vengeance, and she was of the stars, she was the death of entropy, pure and cold and clean...
Yes. She was Jenova, and this planet was /hers/ by right, and they were stubborn and /deserved/ to die, and she knew those words, and felt anger... He helped spark that anger in her and it felt /good/... and for the first time in time, the falling vanished, the madness was under her control...
... and she forgot the stars, and that perfect dream slid away forever, into blood, and mud, and a thousand useless human things.
One, a burst of light in the darkness... so new, with the reflection of the /stars/ in his soul, impossible but true... young, and so much like the other, the weeping one who had vanished, and the young one was /hers/ now, made of her, and the memory, the flesh of the one who had cried for it, so much more than /his/, more than /he/ could ever claim...
... if he could claim at all?
What was happening to her, that she /knew/ these things, recognized him, /knew/...?
"Look, Jenova... Sephiroth."
Even /his/ proud, disgusting whisper couldn't take all that other feeling away, the /good/ feeling...
Leaps, bounds of time with nothing between them, and she felt the wounds on his soul, these new human feelings, tying them even more tightly together, as she learned along with him... learned loneliness, and fear, and sorrow...
How dare they. How /dare/ they! Stupid, foolish creatures, not even the Cetra, but even less, and who thought they could scorn him...
It wasn't her... wasn't her anger, but /him/, always there... always pushing, until she didn't know where she ended and he began only that it was wrong wrong wrong...
One last escape.The star mirror's sword, through the long dead body that had never been hers, severing head from torso... She had been able to make him do it, push his hand, to free herself...
"So, Jenova... you thought you could escape me?"
Why did she have to know those words? Why did they have to hurt?
Another came, soon after... but what did it /matter/ anymore, that the pain only added impact to the sting, and there was vengeance, deep in her heart, down to the very center, and if that soul was twisted, it was her voice and not her words, what did /she/ care for such things, Hojo's vengeance, Hojo's rage, it could not touch her bitter heart...
... but she had no heart! She was of the stars! She was... she was...
Jenova. Only Jenova now...
Her one, returned to her?! Drawn back to the Lifestream to her side... and he was the fire resting in her hand, twisted but still searching, still vibrant and /happy/, as happy as she could make him, and she was happy, and /he/ was happy...
It ended as soon as it began, the control wrested from her broken fingers, all the fires rising up to burn her instead, and though she could see them dancing, dancing in the distance, she knew they would never be hers again...
It was over.
//It's never over!!!//
It was finished. It was time to go to the void she had filled, and let it consume her instead.
//NEVER!!! THIS IS NOTHING!!! I WILL /NEVER/ LET THEM LIVE IN PEACE!!!//
... and she knew, and understood, and he pressed that anger into her and /made/ her believe. Better to destroy them all, than leave anyone beneath her blessed stars, to live and love... and /never/ let them rejoice in victory, never let even a single voice speak with pride.
//No survivors... there will be no survivors...//
Who was she? Who was he? It didn't matter... for he was in control now, and when she spoke, they were his words, and when she raged, it was his rage, and she didn't know... didn't know anything anymore in the chaos and madness. Hers now. Even when he was gone, she could still feel his touch, his curse... she had become the madness she could not escape.
He had made her a new body, in the physical realm she loathed so much, and she could feel the dull glimmer of admiration there in him. She knew what that love was now, that Hojo /loved/ her, and that only made it so much worse.
A body... unnatural, unnecessary thing, and as /his/ gift it was nearly repulsive, but she slid into it now as an escape, the dark skin glittering as she shifted against the feeling of sinew, bone and gravity. The body was armor, protecting her from what once had been painless. It killed some of the screaming, the endless howling of the Lifestream, and /him/... all that slid away, and she was as much herself as she had ever been... or could ever be, anymore...
The world was silent, very still, and the body that picked its way carefully over the rocks glittered like a reflection of the night sky, moonlit pools of eyes that glowed like lanterns, easily drawing a path against the burnt surface of the Crater... He knew she couldn't venture far, the body too fragile to survive long without his presence, his control...
She was his prisoner... now and forever...
Jenova stood for a moment at the lip, reached for stars that she knew were no longer hers to take, that she would never fly amongst again...
...and bowed her head, crouched down low to the ground, arms around her knees, and sobbed, crying for the tears that shackled her to the wretched planet beneath her, for the sorrow she didn't want but couldn't keep, couldn't wrest away from /him/... inhuman, the once-demigod now weaker than any other, and she could not escape humanity, and could not keep /him/ from pulling her in...
It wasn't her fight, and nothing could get her what had been taken away... but /he/... /he/ used her, and she was only a part of him now... and the stars were dead to her, empty white lights in a black paper sky.
----------------------------
"Zack?!"
The dark-haired SOLDIER looked up, as he heard Tifa making her way down the steep cliff above.
"Down here, Tif! There's a path off to the left..."
He looked across the wide, flat plain, only a few long, gray and twisting paths leading to what remained of the City of the Ancients. It was a rather somber sight, the buildings seemingly strewn, like broken glass... Zack supposed it would have been more even more depressing, if not downright eerie, what with the way the light and shadow of the clouds passing in front of the sun danced beaming ghosts across the city, but he couldn't really pay attention, another question taking precedence.
//I wonder how Cloud and Sephiroth are getting along...//
Of course, Zack was fairly sure he already knew the answer. No doubt, the two men were at the heads of separate armies, with the blonde spending all his time and energy on staying as far away from the other man as possible... or perhaps they had already made the advance for the Crater...
Try as he might, it was impossible to imagine Cloud and Sephiroth side-by-side... or a walking, talking Cloud anywhere /near/ the other man.
//A puddle of goo with spiky hair, /that/ I can see...//
Zack sighed as the humor fell from that thought, and rubbed a hand over his eyes.
//God, what am I supposed to do?//
He /had/ to tell Sephiroth. Cloud /never/ would, never... and this had gone on for so long, he had spent so long watching the blonde struggle to simply survive, carrying the weight of such a burden, that secret...
"Zack? Something wrong?"
He put his hand down, as Tifa approached, her eyes as quiet and wide as those of a wary doe. The scenery might not have been affecting him that badly, but it certainly wasn't meaningless to her.
"Nah, I'm fine."
//... but it's not me I'm worried about.//
---------------------
Sephiroth turned from where he had been sitting, quietly testing out all of his Materia, as Cloud shifted in the blankets, sprawling out as his body met no resistance. The white-haired man had long since departed that comfortable bed, almost nervously, his nerves on edge no matter how many times he fought to calm them.
It might take a few more hours, for Strife to wake, with his body still recovering from the effects of the cold, but now he was warm enough, that he could sleep /alone/... and the white-haired man didn't have to... have to...
Cloud shifted again, and his gold earring winked slightly, as if taunting, teasing...
//You've definitely gone off the deep end now, Sephy... getting pissed off at an earring.//
/Well... what the hell /else/ am I supposed to do?/
It was too difficult to think about it, what had happened... it just wasn't the way life was supposed to be. Those sparkling sapphire eyes, watching him openly, gazing at him with such adoration...
//He said he... loved me. He said...//
A world like that, though, where Cloud could say those things, could kiss him like that, it wasn't /his/ world. Beautiful, yes, his lovers had always called him beautiful, said it until the word was only white noise, and even that could not cover what they weren't saying, what they really thought of him. He was beautiful, in the way that a painting, a sculpture was beautiful. It could offer much, could inspire and excite and transcend...
... but no one could look at a painting forever. He was not someone to be known, to be loved for days or years or a lifetime, but something to be taken down and used and then returned to be admired from afar, to be cherished infrequently, valued because he was distant, and untouchable.
A painting could live like that, but a man could not.
//... but he said... and the way he /looked/ at me...//
He had prayed his entire life, for someone to look at him like that, to really see /him/. Zack almost had, close enough for him to reach back, to lunge at even the barest chance, despite all his reservations... but it had been in error, and though Zack had been kind, Sephiroth had taken the lesson to heart, had refrained from repeating the mistake, from /ever/ presuming, ever hoping...
//... but /he/ kissed /me/!//
The white-haired man lifted an ungloved hand to his lips, a gesture he had repeated many times, though logic told him there was nothing there, no remnant left of the night before...
How could a simple kiss - well, maybe not /so/ simple - but any /kiss/ have such an effect on him? Sephiroth had felt less for people he had /bedded/ the night before, for God's sake...
... but Cloud Strife /was/ different, though he couldn't say why, and the simple memory of those glowing blue eyes could make Sephiroth shiver, could twist his nerves into knots without a second thought.
//So, I finally got closer... and I still didn't learn a thing. For all it's worth, it might as well have been a dream.//
He blinked, green eyes sharpening with the thought.
//A dream... He thought it was a dream, didn't he?//
It made no sense, that... that the Cloud who could be so cold, downright hostile to him during the day... could have dreams like /that/...
//... and it might not have been the first time he's had such a... dream. So, he /dreams/ about me?//
He was broken from his reverie as Cloud finally woke, groggy blue eyes instantly snapping to alertness as they focused on his own. Sephiroth waited... waited for the other man to speak, waited for reality to return to a world that had been horribly off-balance for much too long... He waited... and waited... and waited...
"What the hell are you looking at?"
Incongruity, between lips and eyes, between last night and this morning, between the anger in Cloud's voice and something /else/, something wonderfully bright and open in those deep blue seas...
Sephiroth smirked, not sure why, but felt it grow into a wide grin as Cloud shifted nervously, a flash of panic shooting through those glowing eyes before he turned away.
//He is... he /does/ feel something, but he's hiding, hiding from me... only, why?//
The white-haired man carefully schooled his face back to neutral, though he was almost laughing inside. Why? He would know soon enough... and in the meantime, it would be fun to coax - all right, tease - Cloud into revealing the answer himself, it would be a challenge, for Sephiroth to find his way past that wall -a wall, for certain now, and not the truth- and find out everything he wanted to know.
Sephiroth enjoyed a mystery, and when it was locked in such a beautiful form as Cloud Strife's?
The white-haired man let his eyes roam slightly over the blonde's body, just as Cloud looked back toward him, and was forced to bite back another chuckle as the man turned quickly away, but not before the tips of his ears blazed red.
It was going to be a fun day.
------------------------
Tifa knew they had a mission, and an important one at that, but the ruins of the City of the Ancients were vast, connected by long, twisting paths, and so foreign, so alien, that even being there sent shivers down her spine, not to mention memories... things she didn't want to think about...
//The Lifestream lay in pools, inside the houses...// she was already not looking forward to /that/, though they were still well outside the city, the sound of their footsteps swallowed by the dusty gray paths, //... and Cloud, he said they spoke to him... but he didn't understand...//
Not until after the Northern Crater... and the Black Materia, when Cloud had fallen into the Lifestream and they'd /made/ him understand...
//Mako-drenched knowledge... surprised he's even alive...//
... and the days had passed after that, with little sign that Cloud could hear her at all, until she was sure he had vanished forever... but those weren't the only reasons she didn't want to be here, so close to the Lifestream, to something so foreign to her human body that every cell in her seemed to pull away, long to flee...
Tifa remembered when they had visited this place for the first time... remembered how Cloud had been preoccupied and worried, determined to find Aeris, pushing them all along mercilessly, until they had found her... and then... and then...
//... and then she was smiling, and then she was dead. Dead... and I... I...//
It was a monstrous thing, that she had ever thought it, that later, much later, as they had made their way out of the city, no one speaking, Cloud far ahead, unwilling to talk to any of them, staring /through/ her when she'd approached him... she hadn't been happy, she hadn't wanted Aeris to die, hadn't /ever/...
/... but.../
//SHUT UP!!!// The brunette rallied against even the slightest rumble of that voice, as she had every time it had spoken up before, its message too vile, too disgusting... she had /never/ wanted Aeris to die, not ever...
/... but maybe, deep down, you did? You saw how Cloud looked at her, and you were jealous, and maybe he didn't love her, and doesn't pine for her... but maybe if you hadn't been such a bitch, he would love you now. Maybe it's your punishment, for wanting her to die./
"Tifa?"
The brunette turned, looked up at Zack.
"You okay?"
"Yeah... yeah I am." The fighter didn't want to say anything to upset the dark-haired man, was sure Zack knew all about where they were, and what it meant, but knew she had to explain. "It's just... this was..."
Zack nodded, and Tifa frowned as the dark-haired man lapsed into a somber silence.
--------------------------
He knew what this place was, and had wanted to see it for a while, out of some sick obligation, he supposed, or some bizarre curiosity... this was where Aeris had died.
It was hard to imagine, though he knew it was true, and Cloud had told him everything he had asked, and he could imagine the rest...
//I've seen Sephiroth kill like that before.//
The thought of Aeris, though... not some enemy in a far-off war, but /his/ sweet, green-eyed girl, who wouldn't even let him stomp on the spiders that resided in the church's corners... that she would be the one, to stand up to all that insanity, to put herself right in the line of fire... and Cloud had said she had /meant/ to do it, that she had known, known what would happen... that she hadn't even screamed...
"Where do we have to go, Zack?"
The dark-haired man looked up, as three paths branched off towards different corners of the city, the central path leading towards the sloping, mossy green pillars and entwined branches of a forest of leafless, white marble trees... an alien world, but Aeris must have found some peace here...
//Yes, and then she went down into that city, that crystal city, and then...//
/Stop it./
He could tell by the look in Tifa's eyes, the way she had posed question, that she was hoping his answer wouldn't include anything close to where her memories shivered in sorrow.
"We don't have to go check down below... Cloud said there wasn't anything there, the last time he was here."
"Cloud was here?"
Zack nodded. "He came back to get Holy, before the war started. He never told you?"
Tifa felt a stab of pain at his words, ignored it. "He doesn't talk to me much... he never did."
Zack only nodded, but Tifa was struck with the strange impression, as his gaze rested on her for a half-second too long, that he knew something, that there were words he wanted to say, quiet thoughts he wouldn't let go of...
"We're just supposed to check all the houses... look around, for any Materia or anything that might be of some help..."
It really wasn't much of a mission, but things had been rather quiet around Bone Village, and Zack needed to be alone for a while...
... alone, with Tifa.
//I'm not going to tell her about Cloud, I'm not going to tell her... I'm not, just because she thinks she pushed Cloud away and I can prove that its not true... I'm not... I...//
/Damn it../
----------------------
"Damn it..."
Cloud muttered the curse, digging his hand into the curve of a small indentation the rock, and pushing himself back against the other side of the wall to keep himself propped securely in the small crevice, just for a chance to rest... how could a day that started with such a good dream so quickly degenerate into /this/?!
//That dream... that dream was the /problem/...//
Despite his anger, the blonde couldn't help the wave of excitement that ran through him /still/... God, it had been one of his better ones, hadn't it? As well as the first time he'd dreamt in a long time... and to dream of Sephiroth, always welcome... It had been so warm, and so very close to /real/ that he only knew it was dream because it had to be. Even now, he could remember the other man's scent, warm and sweet, like kahlua and cream, his skin soft and smooth, and this dream had been one of the most rare for that sensation, allowing Cloud the chance to touch, and kiss, before it had faded away...
//We were close enough, all night, and that must have been the reason it was so... good.//
Of course, they were close enough that, had Cloud said or done anything while dreaming, had he made any advances in the real world, there was no doubt that Sephiroth would have known...
//Any words... or if I... if I /touched/ him, without knowing...//
It didn't help his nerves any, that there had been no way to get away from the other man, nowhere he could go to be alone and try to collect himself. Since he had woken up, Sephiroth had been there, never more than a few paces away, and sometimes close enough that Cloud didn't dare to breathe, and could feel his heart beating double time...
It didn't get any easier, either, as the hours passed, and they did their best to reach Icicle before another night fell. At least, Cloud did his best, unsure what Sephiroth was thinking, unwilling, /unable/ to look at him...
It was /very/ bad, that they were together, and worse that they had to stay that way, for more than once Cloud had found himself much too close....
Sephiroth's hand suddenly covering his, as they had dug their way out of the snowed-in cabin... The white-haired man catching him by surprise later, touching him low on the back instead of calling his name to get his attention. Cloud had nearly jumped out of his skin at that, stalked away as quickly as he could, all the time feeling as if he were overreacting, that the truth was all too obvious on his burning face.
//You're fine... you're /fine/...//
Of course, Sephiroth could not have known, could not have seen, or else... or else...
Cloud had never been quite able to imagine what would happen, if the white-haired man ever found out just what place he held in the blonde's life, but things certainly wouldn't have gone on like they were, as if everything were normal...
... but was it just his imagination, or had he actually caught Sephiroth smirking, more than once, out of the corner of his eye, the white-haired man watching him... and smiling?
//It doesn't matter... whatever it is, it's not real, and even if it were real, it's not about you, and even - God in heaven - even if it /were/...//
If he pried his soul open, to let that kind of hope in, it would break him, and Cloud knew it. To delude himself like that, even for a moment, would be the beginning of the end...
... but he couldn't stop thinking about it, /knew/ he wouldn't be able to stop thinking about Sephiroth, but also could not get his mind to let go of the dream, to keep him from glancing, when the white-haired man wasn't looking, to the curve of his chest, the slope of his neck... he remembered, remembered the warmth of that skin against his lips, the thrill that had surged through him, as he felt that most beautiful body respond to his touch...
//stopitstopitstopitstopitSTOPIT!!!//
"Problems, Strife?!"
Cloud adjusted his hold in the rock wall with a slight frown, though his heart and mind were both nothing but relieved, had been ever since they had started the climb. It was impossible to even look at Sephiroth, from where he was propped in the small crevice, the white-haired man ascending the cliff behind him, both of them free-climbing, hours spent reaching this point, now hanging over an endless expanse of empty air.
The white-haired man had finally been able to pick up a weak signal, couldn't even transmit, but only listen... the news not unexpected, but still painful to hear, hard to accept...
His army had been unable to hold the mouth of the valley... had been forced to retreat, to make it back through the icy wasteland as best they could, along with what remained of Cloud's army, /if/ any of them were left alive. There was nothing left for them to do but go back to Icicle, hoping at least /it/ still stood solid, and try to plan a new assault.
It had been useless trying to backtrack from the cabin, they soon found the snow had caused a rockslide, cutting off the narrow gorge they would have needed to get back on the path.
"It wouldn't be worth it... an alternate route wouldn't be /that/ much slower than blasting all this rock out of our way, even if we could do it without causing another avalanche..."
Sephiroth had sounded sure, but by attempting to find the most trouble-free path, following the mountains back toward Icicle, they had run straight into a sheer granite wall, equally the measure of the one that had stunned Cloud so badly the night before. This time, though, to spare an entire day's worth of travel, he and Sephiroth had chosen to simply go right up the side of the rock.
There were enough handholds, crevices in the vertical wall that made the climbing somewhat less torturous, and places like the one he rested in now, where he could shift positions, brace himself more easily with his feet, and take some of the pressure off of his hands. The blonde's muscles still ached, but it was an old, steady pain, one he had grown accustomed to, his body protesting the continued wear but still able to give him what he needed... that one night had been enough...
//That night... God, I was so close to him...//
Cloud shook himself once more from that reverie, promising that he would remember it later... remember it for the rest of his life, every vivid detail... but not now, not here. He grimaced slightly, as Sephiroth shifted against the wall, the rope that tied them together dragging down heavily on him... nothing he couldn't take, even without gloves his hands could stand the cold of the sharp winds swirling around him, but still...
"This would have been much easier if you could still fly..."
Silence, and immediately Cloud winced, felt his stomach drop.
//Speak when you are spoken to, speak /only/ when you are spoken to... idiot... /idiot/...//
"I flew?"
The question was mild, but since it was Sephiroth, Cloud felt nothing less than the obligation to answer.
"During the search for the Black Materia... when Jenova... you could fly."
"I... flew?"
Cloud bit back a laugh, at the sheer incredulity in the other man's voice.
"No one told you?"
"No."
Cloud rolled his eyes slightly, remembering how Reeve had promised, had sworn there would be /no/ secrets... and even if this had just been an innocent error, something overlooked... what else might have been treated the same way?
//ShinRa can't keep doing this... it /will/ get us all killed... and I won't let them dare to repeat the past, I won't I /won't/-//
"Strife, wait."
Sephiroth's voice was steady, but Cloud stopped anyway, tried to arch his head over his shoulder, to see what the white-haired man was doing, while he let out the mutter of protest that he knew was expected of him...
"What is it?" The blonde grimaced as he moved his legs slightly, and found them aching, nearly frozen solid. "I can't stay up here all damned day..."
"Do you hear that?"
Cloud strained his ears, but heard only the whistle of the wind. If Sephiroth had said he heard something, though...
"Look out!!!"
Propped against the wall as he was, Cloud had time for the exasperated thought - //where the hell was he supposed to /go/?!//- before his body just reacted, and he pushed out hard with his hands, flinging himself up and twisting away as a blur shot by, close enough for Cloud to feel the breeze, before he had to scramble to recapture his hold on the rock, only to feel a second breeze, as a long, razor-sharp tail went whizzing by his ear.
"What the hell?!"
He got an easy view of their attacker, as the creature took a wide turn through the sky, lethal, monstrous but still bound by the laws it had been created under, wingspan too wide, body too heavy...
//No shit, it looks like a flying /boulder/!!!//
It might have taken the turns slow, but as it dove at them again, Cloud watched as the creature easily dodged Sephiroth's lightning blast /and/ the flurry of ice razors the white-haired man somehow managed to follow it up with. The blonde was helpless to assist, both his hands wedged against the cliff to keep him from falling. He couldn't even shield his body as the creature, finally driven off course by a well-timed bolt, slammed into the cliff above them, sending a cascade of rocks falling down upon them.
The blonde grimaced as a rather large chunk of cliff dropped directly onto his leg, not hard enough to make him lose his hold, but hard enough to /hurt/... and he didn't want to be defenseless, couldn't imagine trying to fend more than one of the monsters off, if any more happened to show up...
//Where the hell does Hojo come /up/ with these things? - and...//
"What are we going to do?!"
"Brace yourself."
Cloud winced at the man's ready reply, and quickly pushed both hands and feet harder against the rock, until they nearly throbbed with the strain, and he tensed, as the monster came in for another pass - what was Sephiroth /waiting/ for... what was he?!-
Cloud gasped, straining to keep his hold as, all at once, Sephiroth's full weight fell on the rope. The blonde's heart stopped, terrified. What had happened, to make the man lose his hold...?
He only had a split second to worry, before the angle of the weight changed, lessening as the rope swung in a wide, pendulum arc...
Sephiroth had pushed himself off the cliff wall, almost directly into the monster's path, and just far enough away that he was able to draw the Masamune. The monster screamed, claws outstretched, as it realized what was about to happen but had no way to stop it... even as it turned, it was still well within the reach of the wide curve of metal, and Sephiroth wasted no time, drew the blade up, and sliced the creature in half, the body dividing as it fell, but the tail, that /tail/ still writhed in the air... and split the rope that connected them, Sephiroth's weight falling away - just as /Ro's/ had - and Cloud twisted against the wall, driving one hand into a crack as his other hand strained forward, for something /already/ too far away, and the scream tore from his throat apart from any conscious thought -
"SEPHIROTH!!!"
The agonized howl hadn't died in the air before the blonde wished he could pull it back, wished he hadn't spoken, as the Masamune easily found purchase in the side of the cliff, and Sephiroth held himself there by one arm, as if it were the easiest thing in the world to do... and Cloud noticed too late that those jade eyes were watching him closely, almost curiously, as his arm was still extended, to catch the falling angel who would never, /ever/ have needed his help in the first place...
Cloud quickly pulled back, regained his firm hold on the side of the cliff, noticed absently that he had shoved his fingers so hard in the rock that they were bleeding... but it didn't matter, all that was important was breathing... yes, breathing was good... breathing, and /not/ looking, /not/ thinking about the shock that had nearly stopped his heart...
"Can you stay there?"
The blonde nodded, just as quickly realized that Sephiroth wouldn't be able to see it, and forced himself to reply, surprised at his own nonchalance...
"Yeah, why?"
No answer. He watched for a moment, as Sephiroth swung out, taking hold of the wall once more, and resheathing the Masamune. There were no handholds above him, and Cloud kept watching, until Sephiroth was back where he had been climbing, behind him...
//So, now to figure out how to get up to the top...//
"Hojo's monster blocked the crevice," Cloud nearly jumped /again/, as Sephiroth seemed to pluck his thoughts right out of the air. He looked up, to see that the man was right, the monster's impact had torn a part of the connecting wall free, sent it toppling right across their path.
"If you use a Quake to try and dislodge it, it'll probably come crashing down right on our heads."
"So..." Cloud's tone was properly irritated, as he should have been at such an announcement. "What do we do? Climb back down and try again?"
"Do you have a good hold on the rock?"
Still propped where he had been, the blonde knew he could have held the position quite easily for days, if need be...
"Yes... but what the hell does that have to do with..."
"I'll be right there."
Cloud didn't have the chance to ask what Sephiroth was doing, before he heard him moving closer, directly underneath where he was propped, and then he /couldn't/ ask, breath and thoughts leaving him both in a rush as a large, hot hand wrapped around his upper thigh.
The blonde choked, but thankfully hadn't bothered to breathe, and since bugging eyeballs didn't make much noise either, the only thing that could still be heard was the wind, and Sephiroth still climbing up, now mainly using Cloud to brace himself against the wall.
A black gloved hand slapping down hard on his shoulder brought him back into the real world, and Cloud had enough presence of mind to glare, though even that wavered, as Sephiroth swung a leg over, and suddenly was /right there/, straddling the blonde's outstretched legs.
"What the hell are you doing?" Cloud scrambled for an excuse, and threw out the first thing his startled brain could think of. "You're not exactly weightless!"
Emerald eyes, much too close, and his feign at anger was nothing, Sephiroth could see right through it, was looking, once more, all the way down to his soul, the way only he could. The blonde shifted, but there was nowhere he could go... he couldn't even turn his head.
That smile, had that smile returned, or was Cloud just imagining it... imagining that hint of humor...?
"You're /fine/ Strife, at least for a few minutes."
Cloud couldn't jump, couldn't even move as Sephiroth leaned closer, /much/ closer...
"W-what... w-what are you...?!"
He was effectively trapped, his hands pinned behind him, now fully working to support both his own weight and the white-haired man's, and caught in a fairly awkward sitting position, his legs parallel with the ground far below. Sephiroth showed no signs of hearing, or caring about his protest, only leaning /closer/. The blonde sucked in a breath, as one dark-gloved hand slid slowly up the side of his hip, and the warmth of it reached even further up. Cloud could feel the man's weight, pressing down against his legs, tried to remember that it was a burden, that they /were/ in a dangerous situation...
//Doesn't he realize I could drop us /both/ right now!!!//
Caught between the utter panic of having Sephiroth so close, and the realization that his hold in the rock was the only thing keeping them from a very long fall, Cloud could not give the old terror, his anxiety at being near the white-haired man the attention it truly deserved -//this was insane, this was /insane/!//- and he looked up, met Sephiroth's eyes again, and forgot all about where they were, sure that if he let go of the cliff, he'd simply hover, suspended by that gaze...
//So beautiful... he's so...//
Cloud knew he shivered, as Sephiroth very slowly licked his lips... such a simple, meaningless gesture, but not when it was /his/, and not this close -//so /close/!!!//- his mind went back, instantly to the dream, as the rest of his thoughts fluttered away in terror... Kissing him, Cloud could already imagine, /had/ imagined, and it had been... it had been...
//He isn't he wouldn't my god he /is/...//
The blonde hadn't thought it possible, but the white-haired man leaned in even /closer/, until Cloud could feel the warmth of his breath against his face, and closer... and...
//oh god oh god he's going to... oh /god/...//
Sephiroth turned his head, and Cloud felt a warm, gloved hand around his own, or more accurately, around the Mystile on his wrist...
"I'm going to borrow your Earth and Barrier, since you can't cast."
//Cast... can't...?//
The blonde's mind had stuck firmly in the moments before the white-haired man had turned away, couldn't have repeated his own name had he been asked for it.
Sephiroth took no notice, calmly sliding the materia into a few empty slots on his own armbands, and leaning back, tilting his head as he looked up, trying to measure where to place his spell.
It should have been a good chance for Cloud to recover, but the blonde hadn't yet been able to catch his breath, or slow the beating of his heart, let alone cool the fires that were burning inside of him, or try to think...
//So close... he had been so /close/...//
His attention was finally diverted as Sephiroth lay his hand on a segment of rock just above Cloud's feet, and the blonde felt the entire side of the cliff shake slightly, though all the energy seemed to go up, aimed perfectly... He felt only a slight moment of panic, as the massive rock above them began to fall, but Sephiroth quickly threw the Wall spell in its path, and Cloud watched, almost disinterestedly, as a hundred tons of rock bounced off an invisible shield just above his head, and past him, to the valley floor far below.
The white-haired man held the shield, until the final fragments of stone had been dislodged, and let it fall, pulling the Materia out of his armor and placing it back in the Mystile with much less ceremony... and Cloud felt his heart starting to slow...
//What did you /think/ was happening, stupid?! What did you honestly -//
The thought, full of self-recrimination, was blown to pieces as, out of nowhere, a strong hand caught his chin, pulled his gaze back into that impossible position, staring eye-to-eye with Sephiroth.
He could feel every molecule of air displaced, every moment of smooth leather on skin, as Sephiroth very carefully traced one fingertip down the side of his face, repeating the gesture with the back of his hand, his expression never changing, never faltering from his frozen calm...
"You screamed as if you cared for me, Strife. You stretched out your hand, as if afraid to watch me fall..." The words were soft, but burned deep into Cloud's mind, displacing all else, his vision filled by nothing but a deep, cool green...
Cloud opened his mouth to speak, to attempt some protest, some cover, /anything/, and felt another tremor of fear-soaked ecstasy shoot straight through him, as that fingertip moved, to lay softly against his lips.
"You should be more careful, Cloud. A lesser man might start to get... ideas..."
Before the blonde could blink, Sephiroth's weight was off of his legs, and the white-haired man was moving forward, quickly scaling the wall. Knowing he would have to scramble to keep up, Cloud still sat frozen for a few moments more, the order to move knocking up against a completely empty mind, his thoughts stunned, resting in an unmoving heap at the bottom of his consciousness. Only a single word seemed to have any strength left, to make it past his startled confusion, and it screamed through his mind like a tornado.
//... /WHAT/?!?!//
--------------------
"Zack! I think I found something..."
Tifa waved to him from the top window of one of the strangely curved houses, disappearing back inside once he started to move to her.
The dark-haired soldier was glad to hear the brunette's voice calling out, filling the powder-soft silence of the long-abandoned city. The SOLDIER had hoped he might find some trace of Aeris here, even a small, sweet reminder, any sense of her presence... but this city was cold and dead, a skeleton with none of the beauty, the /life/ that had always drawn around her, warmed to her as a part of her nature...
The City of the Ancients was cold, though, in a way that cut beyond the simple chill of the wind. It was an oppressive icy weight that fell hard across his shoulders, and chilled him to the bone. As he walked through the house, up the gently sloping spiral of the interior room, the feeling only increased, in the strange way his footsteps made no noise, and the glowing pools, like rainwater, collected in random, small depressions along the outer edge of the room.
//Lifestream...//
The dark-haired man paused, resting his fingers along the edge of the basin, staring at the glowing green liquid, the shine staining his fingers a lighter shade... he did not touch, would not touch...
//I miss you, Aeris... I just wish I knew that you were okay...//
Cloud had been the only one who could have interpreted the shadows and shimmers of the hazy aqua pool... and perhaps now, that power had been lost to even him...
//I'm so tired of this war...//
"Zack!? Are you there?!"
"Yeah, Tif... I'm coming..."
A short ladder climb brought him to the top, where Tifa was bending over a small crate, and he could see something glowing inside. He couldn't help but smile, at the way Tifa was almost laughing.
"What is it...?" He murmured, moving closer.
"I found a few Materia... and..." Tifa giggled again, and Zack was fascinated with it, watching her slim-fingered hand rise, fingertips dancing against the edge of her lips as she covered her delighted grin...
He looked down into the box, at two green materia, one blue, and one Red that kept flickering in and out, and bumping against the side of the box as if trying to escape.
"What the...?" Zack couldn't help but smile, as the small, round stone continued to bump, and flicker, and bump, and flicker...
"I think... it's a Katja... We caught one once, the last time we came through here, in the forest. This one probably doesn't work, the glow looks pretty weak..."
"We should... let it go then, I guess..." Zack looked up, and they both broke into laughter, unable to stop as the slight thumping of the materia continued, the red orb determined to get free.
He and Tifa reached down together, he took the still-moving red orb and tossed it lightly down the hallway as the brunette gathered up the other three. It was impossible not to notice how close she was to him, the way her hair smelled, and the softness of the fabric, curving over her equally soft skin... God, she was /hot/, and he knew even as he thought it that it was rude... but /good lord/ she was a beautiful woman...
Her eyes met his, and held, and a silence, slightly uncomfortable, but warm, and peaceful, stretched between them. He acted first, sliding a hand along her cheek as they slowly rose, taking that step, closing the distance between their bodies, and when he kissed her, she did not pull away, only took a step back, until her back was to the wall, and he felt her hand in his hair, as he very gently kissed her mouth, her cheek, the side of her neck, returning back to those soft, lightly shaded lips...
"Tifa..." He smiled as he pulled back, framing her face in his hands. "Tifa... I... um..."
He had never really been /that/ good with words. He could only stand there, open-mouthed, as his thoughts fled from her beauty, could only smile at the warmth that filled up all his empty spaces.
"Zack... I /can't/..." Her voice was soft, tearful and earnest. "I..."
He kissed her again, just as softly, and she did not pull away, if anything drew him closer, her hand tight against his back, though when he let his kisses trail downward, let her lips free, she spoke again, almost desperately...
"Zack... please... I can't... you don't want..."
/That/ gasp stopped him, and he immediately pulled away, putting his hands on her shoulders, gazing deeply into her hazel eyes.
"What do you mean, "I don't want"?"
His voice was soft, and gentle, but Zack wouldn't let her look away, though his heart ached as she tried to turn from him, her lips moving without a sound, as she fought to keep from revealing her secret fears.
"I... Zack... it's Cloud... I have to... and maybe, maybe /I'm/ the one... I don't want to hurt you...." Her face crumpled for a moment, and the dark-haired man leaned in, kissed the single tear that was trailing down her face, and kept his face that close, his voice a murmur, this moment secret from the rest of the world.
"Tifa... it's not your fault, that Cloud doesn't love you like that. You didn't do anything wrong, I swear it."
"But then... why then... /why/?" Tifa's left hand clenched into a tight fist, rose, and fell back against the wall with a weak thump, repeating the futile gesture until Zack caught it, brought it up to place over her heart.
"Tifa... I..."
"Tell me, Zack... please... I /know/ something isn't right... I've known for a long time... Is it me?! Did I do something...?"
"No!" He pulled her close, kissed her forehead as if forcing that word to stay, before determinedly staring back into her eyes. The truth was pounding down on him in time with his heartbeat, so loudly that he couldn't hear, and all the while her eyes were on him, the tables turned, her gaze now pinning him...
... and if he told her now, there was no going back. Zack knew, as soon as he let loose with this secret, it would change everything...
//... and is /that/ what keeps you silent? Are you /afraid/?!//
Zack did not let fear rule him, he never had, he never would. It was better to move bravely forward, and lose everything, than to remain static in fear...
//It's time...//
"Zack...?"
He could hear the slight fear, the nervousness in her voice, as she realized something important was coming. He let his hand come up to cup her chin in his palm, fingertips resting near her temple, and twined his other hand gently in her hair... God only knew, what this would bring...
//Move bravely forward... and never be afraid...//
"Cloud couldn't be with you, Tif... because he loves Sephiroth."
-----------------------
It had been hours, but stupidity, especially when shared with others, had a /remarkable/ lifespan, and the thought was still first and foremost in his mind.
//A lesser man might start to get ideas?! What kind of a stupid pickup line /was/ that?!//
One of the worst he had ever used, Sephiroth mused, and certainly one he had never imagined actually throwing out, /especially/ at Strife...
God, the things that man was doing to him...
//I love you, Seph... I love you... so much...//
Could he believe? Could he risk it? At first, of course, the answer was an immediate, resounding no... but he /had/ to look more deeply than that, because /this/ time, it mattered... The blonde's words were not pretty lies he could easily cast aside. Cloud had spoke those words from the safety of a dream... how could they not be true?
//Pain. Pain and disappointment. That's all this will lead to, and you know it... don't even bother... /don't/ get your hopes up...//
Sephiroth looked up from his quiet but near-violent musing, watching Cloud, his body in profile as he slumped against the canyon wall. They had stopped to rest, and Cloud had fallen asleep, the combination of altitude and stress taking more of a toll on him than he would ever admit to.
//Admit... he never admits to /anything/...//
Sephiroth closed his eyes against the memory of Cloud's gaze, the blonde's soft lips against his own, not just a kiss, but something that pulled deeper, unraveled every defense he had ever raised, made him forget that those protections had ever been important...
/Strife never admits... and when he /does/, it scares you silly./
The white-haired man rose from where he sat, and strode away, needing to put at least some distance between himself and the man that, even in sleep, could do things to him... could make him feel things that shook the center of his world, and threatened /everything/ he had built to keep himself safe.
He stepped behind a slight outcrop, still within easy reach of the blonde, should anything attack... not that much had, beyond the occasional monster here and there... They had avoided most of them, moving too fast to encounter the large swarms that had been so dedicatedly trying to take Cloud Strife down...
He smiled as he paced slightly, taking victory in the blonde's discomfort, the way Cloud had feigned anger... yes, he could see past that now... could see all the way down to...
//I love you... so much...//
Sephiroth stopped short, before he continued his pacing, at an even greater speed. So what if it had been a dream? Certainly, people could lie in their dreams...? How /could/ Cloud Strife love him? The blonde had only known him...
//No.//
His thoughts snapped, unbidden, tightly around the image of the flower girl, Aeris, pleading to him in his dreams... and Cloud, pushing him out of the way of the monster that had nearly killed him... and Cloud, asking Zack if the man who had destroyed his town, killed his mother and slaughtered his friends, if /that man/ could reach paradise?
It just wasn't true, couldn't be true... Cloud couldn't have... /couldn't/ have, not /all that time/...
//You tortured the man who loved you. Not just an innocent boy, not /just/ Zack's friend, and someone who didn't deserve to suffer... but someone who /loved/...//
Love... Attraction alone was more than he could believe... but /love/?
It had been much more fun, Sephiroth muttered darkly to himself, when he hadn't been thinking about this so hard.
He had already turned to go back, to rouse Cloud and continue on, when the white-haired man heard the slight noise, a scratching, skittering sound across the rocks... almost too light, to be the threat he could feel, adrenaline and something more, an alien presence laying thick and heavy in the air.
------------------------
"Tif...? Tifa...?"
After a long silence, the fighter pulled herself out of his arms, and walked away from him, exactly as Zack had expected her to do.
Tifa slowly made her way out of the house, the winking, faded Katja materia leading the way, though the red sphere became lodged again into a tight space between the cracks in the wall, wiggling helplessly as she moved past. Zack absently kicked it free, trailing behind the brunette, close but not too close...
He could do nothing... only be there if she needed him, and so he watched, as she gazed toward the deep center of the town, arms loosely around her waist, not tense, but certainly not at ease.
"Zack?"
"Yes?"
Tifa's voice was steady, too steady, and eerily toneless.
"... I think we should try the houses further down the path. We didn't get a chance to check all of them, and I doubt if Cloud did either."
Reality was hers to face now, he could do nothing to soften or reflect the blow, could say nothing, only comfort himself with the truth... that he had told her the honest truth.
//... some comfort.//
"All right... let's go."
-----------------------
"Cloud!!!"
The blonde came awake from a nightmare, and slid directly into another, hand around his sword before he realized what was happening, instincts acting before his eyes focused on the approaching enemy...
//Spiders... I /hate/...//
He had nearly lost Elly to one of them, something very similar... and that final memory, of saving her and still losing her, the sound of her scream tearing up from deep inside pulled him completely from sleep, sent him forward, not at all content to wait for the gigantic insect to come to him...
The blonde hadn't fought one of them in a long, long time, forgot the exoskeleton, something that /shouldn't/ have been possible on a creature of its size, and grimaced as he watched his sword slide uselessly off the monster's leg... he had hit it at the wrong angle, and he knew he wouldn't get another chance, even before the matching forearm thudded across his chest like a steel beam. He flew, high into the air, and it was a long time before he returned to earth.
The snow was soft, and he slid for a long time, gaining no new injuries, but he couldn't /breathe/, couldn't even see around the red-hot agony that was still crushing his chest...
//Sephiroth...//
His first attempt to stand brought him nothing, and Cloud gasped around a mouthful of snow, sliding a hand once again over his chest, surprised not to feel the sticky heat of blood, /god/ he hurt...
//Sephiroth's... facing it... /alone/, GET UP!!!//
The thought alone brought him to his feet. As it always had, that devotion kept him moving, leaping back into the fight even before his vision had cleared... and he saw that Sephiroth had been holding his own, a few scorch marks on the rocks, puddles of murky water amidst the snow showing where spells had been cast... and the creature wasn't moving as quickly as it had been, one of its legs completely severed...
... and Cloud looked up, as the monster reared to lunge forward, and Sephiroth's eyes met his...
...and the Masamune dropped to the man's side, with no fanfare, no sign that any spell had been cast, or would be. Cloud's eyes widened in horror, Sephiroth had /lowered his guard/... it wasn't possible, he was defenseless, and the monster was... moving in...?!
"/NO/!!!"
-----------------------------
Zack followed, from house to house, finding little more than the fact that it was hard to distinguish time, with no sound around them, that he thought hours had passed, when his watch spoke only of a few minutes... but it /had/ been a long time since Tifa had said anything, or even looked his way...
"Tifa..."
No response, and he frowned, and walked faster, to close the slight distance between them.
"Tifa... I /know/..."
"/What/ do you /know/?!"
He froze, one hand extended towards her elbow as she rounded on him, deep brown eyes blazing in a fury that was extinguished even as it flared, and he held his place, stood motionless as she rocked back on her heels, hesitated for a moment, as if to flee, and with a sob that was nearly a scream, dove into his arms...
"Oh, Tifa..." He pulled her close, grateful that she held him just as tightly. The woman wasn't crying, but Zack could feel her body tight, so tense... if there was a place past tears, past simple sorrows, he was sure they had /all/ reached it long ago...
"How long...?"
"What?"
Tifa's voice was rough, and tired, the whisper of an old, old woman, who had seen and done and lived too much...
"How long has Cloud... how long has Cloud loved... him?"
"Since I met him, when Cloud first joined ShinRa. Before that... I'm not sure..."
He could tell, though, from the way Tifa was slightly nodding, her head buried against his shoulder, that she /was/ sure...
//I'd always wondered... if that hadn't been, from the very beginning, the only reason why he wanted to be a SOLDIER...//
"Aeris knew..." The fighter's voice was slightly more choked than it had been before.
"I think she did, yes."
"... and you knew... and you didn't tell me, because...?"
Zack winced. Lies spoken with good intent were still lies.
"It was Cloud's secret. He's kept it, all this time, and hasn't ever /told/ anyone... Tifa, he didn't even want /me/ to find out..."
//One night, after a party, and he had seen Cloud out of the corner of his eye, watching from the shadows of a nearby hall... had found the boy later, wracked with sobs, curled into a tiny ball on the rooftop of the barracks, where no one would ever look, where no one could ever find him... and Zack had finally reached out...//
"He's so afraid, Tifa... afraid of what might happen..."
The fighter gave a bitter chuckle, brown eyes tilting up towards his once more.
"Can you blame him? I mean honestly, Zack... How could he...? Good /god/.... /why/?"
Zack couldn't answer her anger, but knew she didn't need or want him to.
"All I know, Tifa, is that Cloud always did his best, not to hurt anyone. He didn't tell you, because he didn't want to hurt you."
"Well, he sure failed /there/." Tifa rocked back slightly, moving away, but still did not fight against his embrace. "God... I didn't mean... I just... I'm so tired of being alone..."
Zack pulled her back to his chest, very gently brushed his lips against her temple.
"You're not alone, Tif. I promise... no matter what changes, no matter what happens, as long as I can be here, you'll /never/ be alone."
Tifa turned her head up, to meet his gaze, and leaned in to kiss him. He deepened the exchange, almost sighing in relief as she pulled him closer, God, it felt safe, and warm, and /alive/. It felt as if the entire Planet had wrapped warm, gentle arms around them...
"Zack!"
Tifa broke away, just as the SOLDIER started, feeling a slight brush against his calf. He looked down, to see deep green vines slowly uncurling from a growing crack in the path beneath their feet. He heard the fighter gasp again, shuffling a few more steps back, and watched the gently twining light green tendrils seem to follow her footsteps, beautiful blossoms in rich red and pure white already blossoming from their stems... and more flowers, and more following those, a lush garden of incredible beauty erupting at their feet.
"What... what's going on?"
//A blessing...//
Zack closed his eyes, letting the careful foliage make a path around his feet, inhaling deeply, the scent of wet earth and green, living things all around him, just like an embrace... her embrace... For a moment, the entire world seemed to still, and he was calm, and steady, and knew there was, and had never been anything to fear...
... and he felt the last of his grief, that choking, bitter sorrow for the flower girl, disappear.
//A blessing... for both of us...//
"Aeris..."
He smiled at Tifa, unable to do much more than breathe in deeply, hold on to that connection and look at the woman before him. It was going to be all right... they could make it be all right, together...
"Aeris wants us to be happy."
Tifa reached down slowly, hesitantly, extended one hand towards a still closed bud, and gasped as it opened to her touch, the soft petals brushing against the palm of her hand like a kiss... The brunette gasped, and finally let a few tears of pain fall against her cheeks...
"Aeris..."
One moment of warmth, a final, brief connection, and then it was gone... but a part of it lingered... hovering, illuminating a place in Tifa's heart she thought she had put aside long ago. So many thoughts filled her mind, all of them a jumble, but the strongest was love, that the flower girl's love still remained for them all... Aeris only wanted the best, for the both of them... for the entire world.
The fighter's eyes met Zack's, and his smile matched her own, glowing with the knowledge that this was only the beginning, of something that would be /very/ good...
A quiet ring interrupted the silence, but neither one of them thought it was an intrusion, even as the call came, that they were needed back in the village, that things had taken a turn for the worse...
Zack put his PHS away, and reached out to her. Tifa carefully crossed the small field of blossoms, to reach his side, smiling as she slid her hand into his. They left the City of the Ancients, a trail of flowers lining the path behind them all the way to the edge of the Sleeping Forest.
--------------------------
Sephiroth yelled Cloud's name, as soon as he turned the corner and saw the massive monster bearing down on the sleeping blonde. Thankfully, it roused the other man instantly, though the insect's head only swiveled towards him for an instant, and Sephiroth bit back a curse as it didn't slow, moving in for the kill...
//Strife's still the one they're after... They'll take me if they can /get/ me, but he's the one who has to die...//
The white-haired man unsheathed the Masamune, more than ready to try and change Jenova's mind.
He saw the mistake a split-second before Cloud did, the blonde's sword missing the correct angle by the barest fraction of an inch, and Sephiroth felt his heart tighten in his chest as one massive leg swept down, striking the fighter a solid blow, the impact throwing the blonde high into the air.
//Cloud!//
The Demi spell he quickly cast swelled solid in the air, and hit the man a little harder than he would have liked, but still had the intended effect, throwing the blonde even further away from the gigantic spider, sending him to the ground at a lesser trajectory, a more gentle fall... Sephiroth watched from the corner of his eye, making sure Cloud was safely out of the way, and then turned his gaze fully forward, aiming the Masamune directly for the creature's opaque eyes, determined to plunge it straight down the wildly snapping mouth.
He hadn't expected his first attack to work, though. The speed of Hojo's creatures was fairly stunning even when he could anticipate their movements, and Sephiroth bit back another curse as he was forced to drastically change the angle of the strike, doing almost no damage as the blade slid across one of the armored legs.
//Fire...//
Jenova's spawn were strong, but they still had weaknesses, and this one, /any/ of the monsters patterned after real creatures were usually skittish around fire... Sephiroth threw one burst of flame, and then another, smirking as the creature cried out in alarm, awkwardly dancing backward to escape the sudden heat. The white-haired man rushed in, as soon as the enormous bug appeared to be off-balance... but at the last minute, it swerved, and the strike that should have sliced it in half hit the jointed section of a blocking leg instead, easily tearing the limb free.
//Ah... shit!//
The shift in position wrenched the Masamune sharply, too much to ensure a quality second stroke, and Sephiroth moved back, sacrificing a possible win for the safety of a sure one. The creature was still stunned, but had enough legs that it could afford to sacrifice some, and it wouldn't take long to recover...
The white-haired man glanced sideways, as a bit of movement caught his eye, Cloud was struggling to his feet, moving with surprising speed for the blow he had taken...
... and Sephiroth paused, the thought as plain as day, that if he really,/truly wanted to test Cloud Strife's intentions, if he wanted to see if what had happened the night before translated over to the waking world, if Cloud really would, really /did/...
Still with his eyes turned towards Cloud, he let the point of the Masamune fall, to rest in the snow, as the monster charged him.
"/NO/!!!"
Sephiroth knew the beast was close, /very/ close, but felt no fear. The moment he saw those blue eyes blaze, he was certain Cloud would never let it touch him.
The man's guess was accurate, though the reality was still startling. The monster could have only been a few feet away at /best/, but the white-haired man didn't have to take a single step back, and never had to think about dodging, as Cloud simply plowed into the beast. Sephiroth could only stare as the vicious fight commenced, unsure which one of the two was growling.
The sword moved, blindingly fast, not the Omnislash but something very similar, and the creature shrieked once, attempting to parry some of the blonde's attacks... but the blade /crushed/ the monster's limbs even as it severed them, jagged edges sliding up and down the long, thin arms like cracks in a plate.
//Impressive...//
He had seen Cloud fight before... but there was something in this battle, something /more/... and as he watched the blonde pound on the monster, he remembered how the man had pushed him out of the way, and now... yes, Cloud had stepped in to save his life.
//Amazing, though... he's not stopping...//
Green eyes widened, as Cloud didn't hesitate, didn't slow his attack, the blade coming down again and again, until the beast crashed heavily to the earth, and /still/ the blonde didn't quit, not until the Ultima Weapon dropped one final time, and severed the head from the body...
//God, Hojo... you really /did/ outdo yourself this time...//
Sephiroth could hear Cloud breathing, harsh and ragged, from where he stood over the fallen enemy. His shoulders slouched, but he still held the now-bloody blade at a high angle, as if it were weightless.
//Amazing... he just /annihilated/ it... He-//
The white-haired man's musings were cut short, as Cloud turned, eyes wounded, and /angry/. He stalked towards Sephiroth, as if barely holding himself back from lunging for the man's throat.
"What the hell did you do that for?! You could have been killed!!!"
Amusement swept over him in a wave, and he took a step back, fighting to conceal a grin, at the anger in the eyes of a hiding man, elated by the way one move on his part had revealed the entire game. Cloud was too worried to remember, too livid to realize he shouldn't have been angry at all.
"Why?! Why did you-?!" Cloud gestured to the Masamune, still drooped into the snow, and back up at Sephiroth, the white-haired man finding it harder and harder to avoid smiling at the blonde's obvious frustration.
"Why in the hell did you drop your guard?!"
"I knew you would be there to protect me."
Sephiroth could watch the color drain out of Cloud's face, and was sure the blonde's jaw would have dropped, if he had been able to move at all.
//Checkmate, Strife... and the game is mine.//
He took a step closer, and couldn't resist a smirk, as Cloud immediately leapt back. Another step produced the same reaction, Cloud's eyes still locked with his, the blonde looking more and more frantic with each move.
"Will you be walking backward all the way to Icicle, then?"
Sephiroth stopped moving, and stayed silent, amusement growing as Cloud fumbled with his words, the fury washing over his features, and then disappearing, as he struggled to hold on to the false emotion...
//It is false... it really /is/...//
The white-haired man conveniently ignored all the further repercussions of that thought, all memories of Cloud's profession of love lost beneath a burst of passionate heat and a few convenient, half-pieced explanations... Love? Lust? What did it matter, anyway? What mattered... except that Cloud was trying to act something he was not, and failing, and it was nothing but amusing, only made him want the blonde even more...
/This/ was the way Sephiroth knew to play the game, the way he could keep the control he always required. Last night had not quite descended into danger, but he couldn't afford... couldn't let something like that happen again. He was in control, and with the way Cloud was still staring, it looked as if it was his to keep...
//I should have /seen/ it, really... someone /that/ anal-retentive had to be hiding /something/...//
Aeris's whispers, the blonde's own words, and those tender kisses were all thrown to the back of his thoughts, to rest in the land of night and dreams and fancies that disappeared when they were brought into the light of day.
It was just safer that way.
Cloud finally regained control of himself, turned away with a vicious scowl, tramping away across the snows as if attempting to put as much distance between himself and Sephiroth as possible.
//Sure you are, Strife... /sure/ you are...//
---------------------------
It had taken her everything she had to reach out, even that little bit, and it would have been impossible if Zack and Tifa had not been in the City of the Ancients, a natural well for the Lifestream.
Aeris sank back, let the nurturing, soothing sweep of deep green reclaim her... and did not feel sorrow, not sadness, as she felt Zack drift away, felt him leave... she had given them a gift, and if doing so had returned one-tenth of the warmth and light Zack had given her, if it had helped to keep the kindness and spirit alight in Tifa's eyes...
//I'm happy... I /am/ happy for them...//
The flower girl felt her mother's gentle hands wrap lightly around her shoulders, and she leaned back into the woman's support...
It was all going right, everything as well as she could have imagined... Tifa and Zack were together, and happy... and Cloud...
Aeris could still feel him, and whether he realized it or not, he /had/ changed... that despair, that sorrow she had always felt in him was fading, and though his heart was still in chaos, with that sorrow gone it no longer hurt her to feel it. He was healing, /finally/...
//... because of Sephiroth... Sephiroth.//
Aeris was now the calm center of a screaming world, untouched and protected by her own power, while all around her was madness. The howling voices of the Cetra were trapped in a timeless rage, howls building upon each other into a near-demonic choir, their helpless fury only feeding on itself, pushing the flames higher... but it could accomplish nothing, Cloud was the only channel they had to the outside world, and now, because of Sephiroth, he had been taken away... they could never hurt him again...
It was a good thing, as many of those voices were screaming for his blood right along with Sephiroth's.
//How dare, how /dare/... we will /destroy/... unworthy... how dare he, how /dare/ he!//
No rational voice remained amidst the swirling mass, only the longing for destruction...
/Kill them for it! How /dare/ they, how dare they do that to us... let them die, let them /all/ die for their stubbornness.../
Aeris ignored them, content in her own place in the Lifestream now, with touching in on Cloud, now and again, reaching out to feel him... so bewildered, and wary... but /hope/ lived in him again, and things would work out now... he would be all right. Aeris had to believe in that, believe in the power that had given her Holy, a force that was fair and just, if not always kind... Cloud had suffered so much, and the flower had to trust that all he had fought for, all he had believed in, that higher power would not abandon him now.
//Power is power... it holds no mercy, or justice... foolish child...//
The flower girl froze, as a raspy whisper echoed in the green around her, the feeling it brought the same as when she had still had a body, as if someone had drawn ice cold fingers slowly up her spine.
//What?!//
The flower girl's attention was instantly back on the seething mass, the voices of the Cetra still raised in a vicious cry, seeking the chance to attack, to destroy, desperate to mete out bloody revenge on all those responsible, all those that had wronged them...
//Stewards of the Planet... why should you not be angry? What right did they have, to sever such a connection, to keep you from your revenge...?//
There... Aeris looked closer for a moment, before reeling back with a gasp, at the tendril of darkness, a thread of glittering, twining black, rippling within the collected mind...
//Jenova.//
Jenova, slithering within the swirling chaos of the Cetra common mind, stoking their anger, adding to their fury, and they were too angry, too furious... they /let her in/...
/NOOOOOO! Don't listen!!!/ Aeris pulled away from her mother, reaching for the anger, the stirring, violent fury. /Jenova is here! Jenova is HERE!!! She's trying to trick you, she will destroy us all! Don't listen, don't listen!!!/
//Kill them all... destroy the planet, destroy Jenova... /and/ the humans...//
It lied... and Aeris could feel the Cetra, warming to those lies.
/It looked like our dead mothers, our dead brothers.../
The flower girl could see that, Jenova taking advantage of the strength of that pain, cloaking herself in all the Cetra's sorrow, rage and self-pity, until they couldn't tell the difference between it and themselves, her arguments nudging them towards Hojo's goals, towards their own destruction... and they didn't see... they couldn't...
//NOOO!! Don't listen! PLEASE! Don't listen to /her/!!!//
/Yes... /yes/... They are just as dangerous, just as ruthless as she.../
//NO!!!!//
The flower girl's first attack caught Jenova off guard, as Aeris came out, full force, with much of the power of the Lifestream behind her, desperation fueling her attack... but when that dark presence struck back, it brought the rest of the Cetra with it, that howl of rage now singular, with no division between what had once been her people, and what was now her greatest enemy...
//Stupid little bitch...//
/... you're on /THEIR/ side!!!!//
Aeris cried out as the emerald green pounded into her mercilessly, a brick wall seething with fury and vengeance, filling her mind with their hate, their anger... she was a traitor, an abomination, working against the good of her kind...
The flower girl reeled, the green fading to thick, dark oblivion, mind wavering like a candle flame against that hatred, and frozen, hearing Jenova's laughter, so familiar, as a sandy, sadistic chuckle sweeping through her mind...
//So much... she's... so much like... Hojo...//
The Cetra struck again, and everything went black.
------------------------------
Cloud wished there was anything to see, anything at all amidst the snow swept plain, or anything to fight, some monster to get in his way, where /were/ they all? He needed to fight, needed to, needed...
//I knew you would be there to protect me.//
He needed to find something to let Sephiroth fight, so he could stand back, and watch the man kill it -easily, of course - and ignore the stupid, idiotic desires of his heart, to protect a warrior who didn't need, didn't want or need him at all...
//Just keep saying that, because it's the truth... don't you dare think... don't you dare...//
The blonde's breath caught as, for the thousandth time in that hour alone, his mind caught on the memory of those sharp green eyes, the unflinching gaze that had locked with his own.
/He knows he knows he knows.../
If he was grateful for anything, it was that Sephiroth had let him move to point, and allowed him to keep that lead, so that there was a constant space between them, saying nothing...
//Not that he needs to... I can /feel/ him... I can always...//
"I don't see any sign of the army..."
Cloud nearly leapt out of his skin, as that soft, deep voice murmured right in his ear. He whirled, shocked, but Sephiroth kept walking, as if nothing had happened, as if he hadn't been sneaking up on...
//... because he didn't, you moron! /He's/ not the one with the problem here... and you'd better get your head of your ass and /see/ that...//
Yes... his problem... his to deal with, and not Sephiroth's... not...
"Cloud... what do you think?!"
The blonde looked up. It was a mistake.
Sephiroth stood in full glory in the late afternoon sun, a few tendrils of white hair moving in the breeze, caught gleaming by the light, the edge of that dark coat sliding around him in a soft embrace... the sun shining on only him, and all the rest of the world drawn in sketchy half-reality. Nothing real, nothing important, except for /him/...
... and Cloud realized the other man was waiting for a response, and his mind had gone completely blank.
"Uh..." He almost broke out in a cold sweat, stopped himself by blurting out the first thing that came to mind. "The army?"
//Stupid stupid stupid... don't act like this, don't do it. You can't believe, can't hope that the world will change... things /always/ stay the same what are you doing how do you think you can get away with - //
"Yes, Strife... the army..." Was he dreaming, or was that actually a note of laughter he heard in the other man's voice. "I don't see any sign of them... it doesn't look good."
"I don't think we're even close to the path they would be taking... they couldn't move that many men along this narrow a ridge, and Ro would never..."
He flinched, cutting himself off. Ro wasn't there... wasn't anywhere, not anymore...
"I think they'll be all right, as long as we get back to Icicle. We should be there by tonight."
Cloud waited for Sephiroth to nod, or not even to acknowledge him, and simply turn away... but the man looked at him, and looked, and /looked/... until the blonde had to turn his gaze down, despite the voices of protest screaming inside, that he wasn't presenting the front he needed to... that he would... would...
In that moment, he could no longer remember, just what it was that he apparently would die before revealing, and was too tired, too tired to even be scared... and just waited, for whatever it was that had caused his terror to /happen/, to get this /over with/...
Sephiroth /chuckled/, the sound carrying even across the distance between them like an arrow shot straight into his heart... and Cloud looked up... but the other man had already turned away, was descending down the first of many hills in front of them, the foothills at the end of the mountains, leading to Icicle... or perhaps only what was left of it...
---------------------------
Time at division blue, for the most part, drifted along with no real changes, and the technician currently tapping a pen against the edge of his desk was nearly half asleep, watching the numbers dart across the monitor in an endless, shifting pattern, never changing in speed and tempo, the procession most definitely hypnotic, especially when the average shift was 17 hours long, with nothing to read or watch, and only lukewarm cola to wash the taste of leftover rations away...
//This sucks... this sucks sucks sucks sucks...//
The technician dragged the pen into the lip of his half-finished cola, tipping the can, spinning it along its edge, at the corner of the table, far enough away from the keyboard that even if he dropped it, which he /wouldn't/...
//This /sucks/...//
BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP!!!
The can dropped off the tabletop along with the pen, splattering across the floor, but the man barely noticed, eyes going wide as, across every screen the numbers sped up, skittering across the screen at a screaming pace, the alarms still blaring, announcing some new reaction -
//But /what/ the hell?!//
All the other techs looked just as shocked as he was, simply staring, as the numbers shifted into a near blur, dancing across the screen like mad fireflies, a flood of useless terror...
"Someone get Melissa... NOW!"
A squeak of tennis shoes against the floor, but the tech didn't even know who had gone, didn't know anything until he jumped, as the system at the end of the wall suddenly shorted out in a burst of sparks and smoke, breaking the spell of startled silence...
"Get on the horn to Mideel! We need to find out what's going on!" He shouted the command, sending white lab coats darting towards phones. The tech was unsure, whether or not he was supposed to be in charge... but what did it matter, with the screens, the /world/ seeming to go mad?!
//What the hell... I don't understand, what does this...?//
He could only stand transfixed, as the warning he couldn't read, a message he could not decipher continued to flash across the screen.
"Will someone please turn that damn alarm /OFF/!"
Melissa's lab coat was stretched over pale blue medical scrubs, the woman hadn't bothered to change in days, the duties of chief physician and secondary lab technician leaving little time for such trivial things as sleep or fresh clothing.
The other man gave a slight sigh, as the burden of power immediately shifted off of his shoulders, and Melissa started relaying orders. The alarm was shut down, and things seemed to quiet to some relative level of calm... it wasn't as if these things hadn't happened before...
"Mideel says one of their sensor towers is completely down... it short-circuited just like our last computer, and the others are having a hard time keeping up with the surplus... it's like the Planet's going crazy!"
A few others in the room, most the former chief scientists of other Mako reactors, sucked in a tense breath, only hoping the next sound they heard, the next call they received wasn't of a reactor exploding somewhere, and the screams, as molten hot Mako rained down across the countryside ... The mass of the reactors had been built in ShinRa's heyday, no expenses spared, and President Reeve /had/ kept them running fairly well, but /still/...
"All right, bitch..." Melissa muttered softly, "what are you up to this time...?"
"My god, /look/..!"
The room gasped as one. Melissa only stared, wide-eyed, as number after number disappeared on the screen, the scrolling stream being plucked in front of their eyes, reduced to an ever decreasing number of actual symbols. A voice murmured the word "malfunction," but Melissa knew, /knew/ it was worse than that...
The woman didn't bother giving instructions, merely lunged for the nearest keyboard, and began typing, watching various windows popping up on the screen, giving her more and more detailed information, all of it pointing straight back to her original fear, and her hands clenched into fists, finally hit the keyboard so hard a few of the keys flew off, clicking as they bounced against the desktop, and onto the floor.
The technician quickly moved in to pick up the scattered plastic letters, as well as grab his now empty cola can, and seek something to blot the spill, just so he would have something to /do/... but all that frantic energy left him, as he looked up into Melissa's eyes, followed her gaze to what was now an almost empty screen, a scrolling wall of nothing...
"She changed the code... she changed /herself/..."
"Ma'am...?"
Melissa's voice was a steady, flat murmur...
"Jenova shifted her own biochemical makeup... five years, and she finally found us out..."
A few people choked. The technician had no idea how he found his voice again.
"Our data is... gone?"
"Our data is meaningless... the key to a code that no longer exists."
As if punctuating the scientist's quiet words, the two final scrolling digits winked out, the blue light of all their efforts and hopes now nothing but a faded afterimage on the void.
---------------------------
"There it is..."
Cloud exhaled a prayer of thanks, as the first watchtower of Icicle came into view, backlit by the last few scratches of the sun in the sky. It had been a long trip, even by taking every shortcut and divergent path possible... all of it in order to return, just to discover just how much of the army was left.
//Icicle's still here... we're not completely lost... not yet.//
Cloud blinked against the dusk, as his eyes lighted on a familiar flag, rippling slightly in the breeze, the ShinRa stripes, but covered by the Wutai Leviathan... a pale blue -one of his?- and behind that flag, the Phoenix symbol of /another/ of his platoons, made up of many soldiers who had been at the front lines in Fort Condor.
"They made it..." The blonde couldn't help but smile. In his mind, he had placed his forces to rest alongside the sacrifice of Roman Gemini. It was better, less painful to call the mission a complete loss, to think that all his soldiers had died, than to hope for any success...
"I can't /believe/ it... they made it back!"
He turned without thinking... spending an entire night and day with Sephiroth had lowered his guard, no matter how he struggled to hang on to that quiet fear, to remember /who/ the man was, that he couldn't dare drop his guard, even with a smile...
... except that Sephiroth was smiling too, though those brilliant jade-fire gems were fixed on him, not the still-distant town, but /him/...
The wind swept up, pulling the white-haired man's coat slightly to the side and creating a glorious moment, offering assistance to what was already perfection, and Cloud was swept up too, lost in a wave of emotion that left him breathless and shaking... always... always...
Smiling, just slightly, but on the white-haired man an inch was a mile, and the barest curve of those thin lips meant everything... it meant...
//He's smiling... at me...//
Cloud could feel his heartbeat in his ears, pulsing through his entire body, the world burning, freezing, wonderful...
"I think I like it when you smile, Cloud... Why don't you do it more often?"
"/That's/ a stupid question..."
The sarcastic words came out without a second thought, but the tone was wrong, much too soft, because Cloud couldn't breathe... and the other man stepped closer, moving with silken grace, almost like a predator...
//No need. No need for dramatics. I'm his... he must know, I've /always/ been his...//
Perfection... there was no need for other words, and no way to describe the feeling inside of him, staring into those deep aquamarine waters, piercing but gentle... god, he had never thought the other man could be /gentle/... had barely dared to dream...
"I suppose it is a stupid question... so how should it change?"
Cloud blinked, fumbled, lost his hold on the thought...
"Change...?"
So close... so close, and it couldn't be... couldn't, but Sephiroth was still advancing, hadn't slowed that step, watching him with that unblinking, amused gaze, and that /smile/... The wind had died, the night was silent, but he could not feel the cold, not when he was warmed by that cheer, and something... something - //wasn't possible, couldn't /happen//- more?
"How should the world change, to make you smile? Is there anything... /I/ could do?"
The other man was close enough that he could whisper the words, close enough that Cloud could see the glow of his own blue eyes on that perfect, soft skin, the light shadows near his glowing eyes... god, how he wanted to /touch/...
A light pressure against his cheek, the brush of black leather, soft and seamless, moving further along the side of his face... the wind picked up, sent a few tendrils of white hair gliding through the air, and Sephiroth was close enough, that the moonlit silk reached out and brushed Cloud's neck in the most fragile of caresses... and /still/, the man moved closer...
... oh god... oh god, what... it wasn't, he wasn't....
Sephiroth gently tipped his chin up, and Cloud immediately closed his eyes, still feeling the blush burn brightly across his cheeks, but to look in those eyes now would be to fall, to lose himself forever... He parted his lips, just slightly, in an attempt to breathe, dispel some of the dizziness...
... and Sephiroth was there, warm and soft, gentle, lips pressed against his so lightly, but there was more, so much /more/...
//I want... and it's real... I /want/...//
It wasn't possible... wasn't... oh, but he /needed/...
"Who's there?!"
Sephiroth stepped away, pulling the Masamune on instinct against the unknown danger, leaving Cloud shaken, speechless, no more able to reach for his own weapon than to form a thought or answer the rough question... It was all he could do to turn away, raise a hand to his lips in shock and awe, still able to taste Sephiroth on his skin, to feel that warmth lingering in the frozen air...
The approaching rider slowed his chocobo to a halt a few feet from them, quickly dismounting and saluting, as he realized just whom he had barked at.
"General sir... General Sephiroth sir..." The man turned his conversation toward the white-haired man, as Cloud was still looking away. "We didn't expect to see you back so soon, sir."
"We were lucky..." Sephiroth quickly gave the soldier a once-over, noticing the fairly good condition of the man and his uniform. "How have you been faring? What do you know of our armies... we were separated..."
"I was told, sir. Lieutenant General Gemini was able to explain most of what happened, and a few field commanders were able to fill in his gaps."
Cloud whirled, even the thoughts of that first kiss falling for a moment behind the shock that spun his mind.
"Gemini... /Roman Gemini/?!"
-----------------------------
Sephiroth watched Cloud through the dancing flames of the central fire, the blonde's smile easily visible through even the shimmering air, wavering in the heat...
//At least I got my answer...//
It took a miracle to make Strife smile, and a miracle was what he had been given, with the grinning redhead sitting once more at his side, alive and mostly whole, only sporting a sling around his broken arm and a bandage above his brow, for an accident that almost certainly should have killed him.
Sephiroth could tell the young solider was relating that story now, could see from Gemini's gestures that he and Karat had been dragged from the river half-dead by another soldier standing a little further from the fire, leaning against a nearby post. The man nodded, nonchalant, but was smiling as much as any of them.
Yes, Karat had survived as well, the sprained leg the bird had sustained in the fall almost completely healed now. Sephiroth had also been in the stables to watch, as Cloud had gone to visit the wounded chocobo. The blonde had been delighted, Karat just as much a friend to him as Roman was.
The white-haired man had taken to stepping back, to hovering in the shadows unobserved, because there was no reason to step forward, and no way yet to claim what had, in the span of a day, suddenly become his...
//Mine... I never thought...//
Sephiroth had been teasing, testing, but had never thought Cloud would really let the other man kiss him, not when they /both/ knew it was no dream. He himself had been confident that the advance would be just another tease, just another way to get /that much closer/, shake up the blonde...
... but before he knew it, he had moved in too close to be explained away, and his hand had come out, and he only regretted that he was still wearing his gloves, slightly surprised that Cloud wasn't protesting, hadn't thrown some angry comment his way, or at least pulled back, out of his reach...
He couldn't stop, /couldn't/ stop himself from simply closing the gap between them, though doing so it left him breathless, weak-kneed- God he had /never/, not even with the first man he had kissed, never been this open, this ready, almost /eager/ to let down his guard...
It had taken almost all of his control not to chuck the Masamune straight through the chest of the soldier who had approached them, the man who had broken that first true moment, not a dream, not a tease, but /real/... God, Cloud had /really/ let him...
//I suppose it /is/ better, maybe, that we were interrupted...//
Just thinking about Cloud now, the silky softness of his lips, those wide, depthless eyes, and the hesitant, almost shy manner in his approach...
//Hesitant nothing, you approached /him/...//
Still... things were getting decidedly uncomfortable, and a snow-covered plain was no place to consummate /anything/...
//I want him...//
Sephiroth looked up, as Cloud got to his feet, and it was so obvious in the way the blonde moved, how much he hadn't been able to say, how truly glad he was to see the other man safely returned...
//It's the way it is, though...//
The blonde's hand hovered for a moment, near Ro's shoulder, but inevitably fell away, well before the redhead had turned back, before he would have seen the gesture, or sensed it's intent...
//We can't have friends, we can't have feelings...//
Sephiroth himself had never, /never/ let anyone know how he had felt about Zack, even in the times when he had been sure the man wasn't coming back. No tears, why should he cry? He knew... knew he was always alone...
//... but you don't have to be alone, Strife... not anymore. We don't have to be alone, if we don't want it...//
Would Cloud really accept him? Did the other man /really/ want...?
Sephiroth sighed, dipping back into the shadows, trailing behind Cloud as the man made his way slowly to his own quarters. He could no longer pretend, that he hadn't used up all his chances to test the other man, and that they hadn't told him all the same thing...
//You'll have to risk it sometime... tonight's as good a night as any...//
--------------------------------
The hush of fabric against fabric startled the blonde, and even before he turned, Cloud knew the dance had begun. This night was nothing but a charade, a formal ball, and if he could just learn the steps, could just put enough distance between himself and the white-haired man and keep it there, this evening would end, as quiet and dull as every other night before it. With luck, he would no longer even be perched on the precipice, his entire life accompanied by those silent violins, screaming out tense melodies with his every footstep...
His heart provided a perfect backbeat, an amazingly fast tempo, and Cloud sucked in a breath along with the sweep of the invisible orchestra, as Sephiroth took a step into the light, and things began to move in earnest...
"What the hell do you want?"
Too much, too angry, the white-haired man would see through it in a heartbeat... and he did, Cloud knew Sephiroth did, but the blonde still had to turn his eyes away, pretend to be interested with whatever papers were beneath his hands, though the words were nothing but a blur, and he couldn't focus enough to string two letters together.
"I'd like to finish what was started... before we were interrupted..."
A few members of the orchestra lost their place in the music, though the pace was quickly recovered.
"You mean right before I kicked your teeth through the back of your head?"
The words came out even harsher than Cloud thought they could, imposing all the anger he could not force the rest of his body to comply with, still staring down at the table, hands pressed down hard against the tabletop...
A black leather glove covered his right hand, almost as if he had willed it there, and Cloud leapt back, very nearly yelped...
The symphony stuttered, accompanied by the sound of a few pinging, broken strings...
The blonde still would not look up, though by now it must be obvious, why...
"If you didn't do it then, Strife... why on Earth should I believe you'd attack me now?"
Cloud would /not/ make the mistake again, of looking up into those emerald eyes, even if his presence of mind was slipping anyway, but that choice left him with very few other places to look, and he could still sense, still had the feeling that Sephiroth was highly amused by his frantic backpedaling...
"Stop laughing, you /asshole/!!!"
How could anger be failing him this badly, as he stumbled out of the dance, feeling a spike of fear as Sephiroth calmly, steadily stepped from the pattern as well, still approaching...
//The cold... it's either this, or the cold...//
/I don't want... I don't want to be cold anymore.../
//NO!!! It's not the same! Not with /him/! Are you insane?! NO NO NO NO NO!!!//
All the emotions in him had been long since distilled to a pure essence: overwhelming, incandescent love, and a fear beyond words. That terror was shrieking through him now, forcing him to remember a lifetime of knowing he could not love, that he would /never/ be allowed to love what had so easily taken him on first glance. He would never have a chance to love, even as that feeling burned inside him, and Cloud knew it would consume him. He was paper-thin now, stripped to nothing but an illusion...
//The show of strength... and love... and fear... and that's all that's left of me... that's /all I am/...//
Sephiroth, unaware of who he was, or what he was truly doing, the symphony he had all but destroyed, had paused at the corner of the table, only a few feet away but not moving any further. Cloud couldn't tell whether it was relief or despair that nearly broke his heart.
"Tell me, Cloud..." The blonde knew those eyes were level, steady, and even though he refused to look, he was still held fast by the iron command in Sephiroth's voice. "Tell me, right now, what you want."
The breath left him in a rush, at the sound of that ultimatum, the music holding together in a barely coherent but steady shriek, shrill and sharp notes slicing a staccato out of his mind...
"I want my /town/ back... and my /mother/ back... and my /life/ back... I want /Aeris/ back, and a /future/ back where I might not die /every day/! I don't ever want to wake up /screaming/ again... I don't want to /remember/... remember the last ten years of this /nightmare/... and /you/!"
He barely got the last word out, though it was only a stupid lie, just the same as the rest, and sounded meaningless, pathetic even in his ears... but it was enough, had the right effect, and a few plucked strings accompanied Sephiroth's footsteps backward, as a few of Cloud's fiercely flung words hit the mark.
//You hurt him... how dare you... how dare you think you have the right...//
/I don't care I don't care as long as he /leaves me alone/!/
/I don't want to be alone./
//I do.//
/What do I want?/ It was a stupid question, and he knew it. Life didn't work like that. Life didn't give you what you wanted, not /ever/.
//I want... I want to be safe... I don't want to be afraid anymore... I don't want to hurt, or be alone... I want to make it all stop, just for one second... I'm so tired... I'm just so... /tired/...//
/I can't... why can't he see... I just /can't/.../
//I'm scared... I'm scared...//
Cloud risked lifting his eyes, as he heard Sephiroth's footsteps, too dull, too slow to follow the dance, though he /was/ moving away... that was right, wasn't it? Wasn't it?
The glowing green eyes were looking down toward the floor, not the intense gaze Cloud was so frightened of, but something softer, something... sad?
"I don't... I really /don't/ understand you, Cloud... but if you'd just open up a little, I think you'd be surprised."
Relief... he had won, but Cloud laughed, sharp and bitter, the words tripping over his tongue before he realized he was speaking.
"/Nothing/ you could do would surprise me anymore, Sephiroth."
He realized, as green eyes blazed up, directly into his own, that he had uttered a definite challenge, with proud, stupid words that he never should have spoken... A rush of black and white, a swirl of movement too fast to follow, and Cloud staggered back a single step, from the force of Sephiroth's mouth on his own, nothing but heat and desire in that powerful kiss, and in the hands burning, tight around his upper arms, holding him fast, though he wouldn't have moved, wouldn't have been able...
The music stopped.
=====================
Author's Notes - second verse, same as the first...
1. There's a song called "The Lady of Shalott" that's an old poem interpreted with music by Loreena McKennett, and that's one of the many sources I took for inspiration on this entire fic. Short synopsis, it's about an enchanted woman who falls in love with Lancelot (yes, King Arthur's Lancelot), but that love is both futile and fatal for her. I think there's something very beautiful in loving that which is seemingly unattainable.
2. I'm thinking of Kahlua the scent (Garden Botanika), not the liquor, and yes, it probably is impossible for someone to smell /that good/... but this is my fic, so I don't care. Neener. : 9
3. I just bought the soundtrack to "The Caveman's Valentine"... Track number 26 "Now" is my favorite... they play it during the preview, and it's just breathtaking.
4. This chapter is dedicated to Foxglove's pen, which died fighting the good fight of night shading. In Memoriam: 2000-2001 : )
5. I originally discovered the "blanket scenario" idea (from the last chapter) on the "Causal Elegance" site: http://home.uleth.ca/~pickcd00/ I'm the Twig up there too.
6. Jenova in my mind kind of looks like FATE from Chrono Cross. I realize the entire section of hers is probably self-indulgent, but I don't care.
8. Roman: I LIIIIIIIVE!!! <cackle>