Eccentric Ferns
©Peter Nazareth. Cum permissionem auctori.
The Goans of Apana, Uganda, thought that Horace Fernandes was a strange fellow. It was not that he was unfriendly — on the contrary, he seemed to be at ease with everybody he met. The trouble was that he paid no attention to the rules of society. He did not visit people according to the unwritten schedule, he did not make calls of homage on the Goan elders, that is, the Goans who were high up in the Civil Service.
The worst thing of all was that he was not God-fearing. He did not frequent the Church. On sundays, it was said, he merely slept at home until very late, although some people claimed that they sometimes saw him sitting at the back of the Church and muttering to himself. In the days when eating meat on Friday was a mortal sin, he ate meat on Friday. When somebody had challenged him about committing a mortal sin by indulging his appetite, he was said to have replied that the ancient Roman Catholic Church had only made it a sin to eat meat on Fridays because there had been an excess of fish in the Roman market, and this was a way of ensuring that people bought fish! Fernandes was a common name, but this was an uncommon fellow! Everybody said that this one was eccentric and acquired the name Eccentric Fernandes, which eventually became Eccentric Ferns.
Lately, he had got worse. Word started going around that he had joined some mysterious religious order. What was to be done? Some pious old ladies decided to take it upon themselves to try and save him.
The statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary used to be taken from house to house, to the accompaniment of a group of people singing hymns, where it used to have pride of place in the sitting room and where the family of the house was supposed to pray and put money in the box keeping vigil over Our Lady. Eccentric Ferns had always refused to take the statue. The ladies now had a bright, idea. They arranged for the statue to go to Ferns� neighbours just before the neighbours and those on the other side of his house were to go away for the weekend. They then approached Ferns and said that his neighbour was going away and, as there was no one else available nearby until the other neighbours returned, could he please take the statue for a day? He said no, he was very sorry, he would not as he did not worship idols. They kept on pleading, for they had faith in Our Lady: once She was in his house, She would, save him. Finally, he agreed to help them, but said that he would have no prayers and no singing of hymns, and he would lock the statue in the storeroom instead of keeping it in the living room. The ladies agreed; Our Lady was beginning to answer their prayers. Unfortunately, he did just what he had said — when he went to collect the statue from his neighbour, he covered it with a cloth, sneaked it into his house, and locked it in the storeroom until it could be taken away.
The ladies did not give up. They decided to go to his house and try to reason with him. Horace Fernandes met them very politely at his door, showed them into the sitting room and offered them some tea. He listened very patiently while they evoked words like Humility before God and Thanking God for the Gifts he had given Mankind. One of the ladies sat silently in the corner, fingering the beads of her rosary. Finally, he said:
"Ladies, thank you for being so concerned about me. I am really touched that you have made such an effort and I respect your beliefs. Why don�t we agree that you believe what you want to believe and I believe what I want to believe?"
"How can that be?" One of the ladies burst out. "There is only one true God!" Then, in an effort to quote the Bible, she made a reference to "those perfidious Jews." Horace Fernandes� patience seemed to have been strained to its utmost.
"Why condemn the Jews?" he said. "Jesus was a Jew, not a Christian. He said that He did not come to cast out the old religion. In any case, like every good Jew, He was circumcised."
There was a stunned silence, broken only by the eruption of pious ejaculations of the lady who was fingering the rosary. Finally, one of the bolder ones said: "Well! And that is what comes of an unholyman who is known to consort with loose women! The Pope�"
"I do not necessarily attach value to what a Pope says," said Ferns, "There was a Pope Alexander in the fifteenth century who had illegitimate daughters." The lady with the rosary stood up. Ferns said that he was surprised that such pious ladies were shocked at what he had said. After all, wasn�t there somebody in the Bible who had children by his daughters?
The ladies fled. After that, they stayed away from his house but decided to offer masses for him. In keeping with the changes taking place in the Church the parish priest had introduced a scheme of inviting priests from neighbouring parishes to deliver a sermon during Sunday mass. The usual priest would say the mass, and after the gospel, the visitor would come forward and deliver the sermon. On the Sunday on which the third mass was offered for Eccentric Ferns, the visiting priest did not turn up on time. The people waited impatiently while the priest who was saying the mass fidgeted on his seat wondering whether he should deliver an impromptu sermon.
Ah, there he was! The visiting priest. He mounted the pulpit.
"My dear brethren," he began, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Words from today�s gospel. Have we ever paused to mediate on what these profound words of Christ mean? Now, on this special occasion, fifty days after the Ascension of Christ, let us dedicate ourselves anew to asking ourselves what these words of Christ meant.
"What they mean, my dear brethren, is that we must appreciate most fully this wonderful sacrifice of the mass. Think what a great gift our good Lord has given us! For without the wonderful sacrifice of the mass, how would we feel connected with the Divine self, with our Creator? How would we find ourselves devoting at least one day of each week to GOD? We, sinners as we are, do not realize the great gifts God has given us."
The people were staring fixedly ahead, thinking their various thoughts. A few were dozing.
"Ah!" said the preacher, "just as I thought. You come to Church every Sunday in your finest clothing and do not pay the slightest attention to what is going on. To you, God is a kind of business partner, who would withdraw his investment if he is not humoured at least once a week. Automatic machines, sleepwalkers, that�s what you are! For the last few minutes I have been uttering totally disconnected words, and you have not noticed!
"Do you know, friends, most of my fellow-priests have a Do-it-Yourself Sermon Kit. Each kit contains phrases and expressions written out on cards. My colleagues know that you do not pay any attention to what they say, so before each mass, they merely pick out a few cards — and there is a sermon!"
By now, the congregation was wide awake. Even the priest saying the mass looked surprised.
"Let us think, for a change," said the preacher, "of what Christ really said. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you — not words from today�s gospel, but words that Christ uttered all the same. You will notice that Christ did not say do to Christians as you would have them do unto you. He said unto others. This means that we should treat all our fellow-humans humanely, even if they did not believe in the Church! For example, instead of putting money into the Church collection plate to build even bigger Churches and Cathedrals, we should give our money to fed the poor. Better still, we should help the poor by working to build them places of shelter, helping them to find employment and to look after themselves. For all people need to have pride and self-respect.
"Why do we need so many Churches and statues? Did Christ spend all his time in Churches and Temples? Did he show any interest in statues such as adorn this Church? Did he set aside fixed days and forms of prayers and condemn those who do not follow the pattern? Does the parable of the Good Samaritan teach us that only Christians are good people? Humbug, HUMBUG, to say that this is what Christ stood for!"
The congregation sat goggle-eyed. At that moment, another priest walked in.
One person could not contain himself but said: "Eccentric Ferns! That�s who he is! That man is no priest!"
Yes, it was indeed Horace Fernandes! The priest and the elders of the congregation shot up and closed in on the pulpit. Horace seemed to lose his self-control for the first time.
"Christ, bear witness!" he shouted. "This Church is not yours! In your name the imperialists held an inquisition in Goa and tortured and killed our ancestors. Others fled to other parts of India, where there were truly Christian people, who had never heard of Christianity�"
By that time, several people had climbed into the pulpit to eject Eccentric Ferns. The pulpit had been made for the congregation but not for the congregation to be on it: it collapsed. The people spread out in a heap on the floor. In the confusion, Eccentric Ferns made his escape. Fortunately, the only injuries were to peoples� dignities.
How had Eccentric Ferns known that the visiting preacher would have a breakdown on the way and not reach the Church on time? How had he managed to put on a priest�s cassock without the sacristan seeing him? Unless...maybe...the presence of Our Lady in his house had released hidden
Ferns...?
The old ladies stopped offering masses for Eccentric Ferns. Sometimes the Devil cannot be beaten.
END.
Peter Nazareth (
See Profile) is presently Professor of English and African American World Studies and Advisor to the International Writing Program at the University of Iowa. This story had appeared in the
Goan Observer, March 6-12, 2004, pages 17 & 18, bearing the following legend:
"A hilarious story set in East Africa penned by Peter Nazareth, head of the African-American Studies Programme at the University of Iowa, USA. (This story) selected by our Literary Editor, Manohar Shetty."