Coming Out Of The Closet

©Lucio Mascarenhas.
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Report by Menas Elcid for the Catholic Information Service.

Rome: The Vatican today made a startling announcement. Encouraged by stalwart paedophiles and homoeosexuals in the Vatican, pope Balaam IV has finally decided to come out of the closet and reveal his sexual proclivities.

Breaking the suspense caused by the storm over the near universal incidence of sexual activity by priests, nuns etc. of the New Church, the pope came out to reveal himself as a transvestite, a drag - queen.

Celeberating this momentuous development, Cardinal Ratfinger, pope Balaam's closest confidant, declared that no more would members of the church be obliged to hide their sexuality, and that they would now openly and unashamedly indulge in orgies, homoeosexuality and paederasty.

For too long, he deplored, have the members of the church been obliged by the hangover of the false, foolish pre-Vatican II mentality to repress their sexualities, thus being less than human. But now we have, together with our pope, all come out of the closet, he enthused.

He exhorted the startled laity to bear with the church. "You have come a long way with us. You have accepted on our authority what you were taught not to accept, ever, and all that we ask of you is to accept even some more on our authority what you were taught not to accept, ever. Do you want to go back to the puerile old credulous faith in a God of Abraham and in a Virgin Birth, or do you want the brave new world of Darwin and the voodoo science of the New Age, the New Order?" he said.

Exhorting them not to see scandal in the seductions of their sons and daughters, not to mention their wives and husbands, he told them that they should instead celebrate these events as the liberation of the human spirit from the age-old taboos of a debunked ideology. "If we, the clergy are not liberated, how can we liberate you, our flock?" he asked.

Looking into the future, he said, "Unless we liberate ourselves today, we shall be condemned to the backwaters of human history, when it is our mission to be the leaders. And if we fail, we shall not have a place in the future."

"The Catholic Church," he declared, "has always courageously gone ahead, lighting the way for mankind. It is but natural that when our ideology has been proved wrong, if not even outrightedly credulous, we should abandon it with courage and embrace the truth! Once before, the Church erred, and erred badly, in opposing Galileo. We must learn from our mistakes and embrace the modern sciences!"
©Lucio Mascarenhas.
Orthopapism II/Michaelinum | Index of Articles
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