April1/03
I had a hard night last night, it started of pretty good because I didn't scratch my genitals when I was getting ready for bed. But in the middle of the night I started scratching, I want it off so bad. I am so frustrated I feel that I have never been able to get it off in the past so why is the future going to be any different. I knew that I will be having the operation in a year or so but it seems so far away and I am worried that something will happen so that I won�t be able to have it. Maybe I am not suppose to be happy, maybe I did something bad in the past and this is my punishment. I want to be happy so bad but what�s the point I have been trying so hard all my life and I haven�t been able to. I never want to touch my genitals again I feel so dirty and ashamed when I do. Last night after I scratched I masturbated and the pain is so, why won't it go away? I feel like it will never go away, so is this my life now at home without a job and with a body that causes me pain all the time whether I am awake or asleep. The pain never stops all that I can do is hold on as best I can until the operation and hope that this pain will go way with my old genitals and try not to hurt them too much so the doctor has something to work with. I feel so alone. How do you go to the washroom without touching your genitals? Is it possible to get all the pain inside me out? Crying helps, but it doesn�t stop the pain. I wonder how long I can go without going to the washroom? Maybe that�s why I have gone days without drinking anything all my life, so that I won�t have to go to the washroom, or do I just want to hurt myself.