I woke up one morning with the most incredible pain in my stomach, I knew that it wasn't physical. It felt like part of me was dying. But again like all the times in my life before I couldn't figure out what was going on. What part of me was dying? And what could I do to fix it? I didn't have a clue. I was really pissed off, I was dying and there was nothing I could do about it, so I did what I had done in the past, I put one foot in front of the other and went on with my life. The pain sat in the back of my mind and like all the pain I had always had in the past, I got use to it. Then when at 38 and about two months after the painful morning I watched a show on TV that changed my life. It was a show about relationships and what couples did for each other. This particular show showed a couple where the husband was a cross-dresser. This is the first time that I had seen anything like this and I was very uncomfortable seeing it, so I changed the channel, and tried to forget about it. Later in the week I was traveling because of my job and found myself standing in the entrance of a motel room while I waited for my boss to finish talking to the project manager that we were working for. Anyway on the inside of the door was one of those tags that have "Please don't disturb" on one side and "please clean room" on the other. The "please clean room" side was facing out and as well as the message was a picture of a maid. After looking at this sign I had one of the most overwhelming feelings I have ever felt, I was a little concerned that I would be able to stay on my feet it was so intense. I tried to figure out what was going on and thought that it must be sexual I wanted to see a girl in the sexy maid outfit. But after about 10 min of this feeling I realized that I didn't want to see a girl in the maid outfit I wanted to see me in the maid outfit. For the rest of the day I played with this idea picturing in my minds eye what I would look like wearing this outfit. The next morning I thought "well that was interesting and a little weird" and did my best to forget about it. After a few days of trying to forget about it without success I remembered the show that I had seen a few days previously and the word "cross-dresser". I decided that I needed to explore it a bit on the internet and see where it led me.
Before this I found it hard to put the pieces together because:
�I would rather hurt me then someone else�
�I don�t want to rock the boat�
�I don�t want to be different�
�Fear of what others will think�
Well after spending a couple of years learning and exploring myself I am now living as the woman that I always have been and have never been happier in my life. Life has meaning to it now, I feel a connection to people in my life that I never thought I could before. It�s not all a bed of roses but that�s OK because I am living now for the first time in my life. I know what it feels like to feel joy, sad, hurt and love and I wouldn't give them up for the world. I don't know what will happen in my life but I do know that I will be alive and feeling every twist and turn. Thanks for reading my story.
