The first time I sensed that something wasn't right was when I was about 10. I was riding on the tailgate of a truck with my sister as we were moving from one house to another. I don't know how to describe the feeling that came over me. It was like someone took over control of me and the next thing that happened horrified me. I pushed my sister off the back of the truck while we were still moving. She was badly bruised and I felt that I must be some kind of horrible person to do this to my sister. Now I think it happened because I was jealous she had the life I wished I had. I used to like to take long baths; I really enjoyed how the warmth from the water would make me warm and relaxed. But I found after a while that I became really unsettled when I had a bath. I still enjoyed the warmth of the water but I can remember being really uncomfortable with my genitals. I tried tucking them between my legs but I still felt very uncomfortable, to the point that I started taking showers instead and have done so to the present day. When I changed schools to start grade 7 at age 12 I felt like I left a big part of me behind in elementary school. I had no idea why I felt this way, but having this happen caused me to feel really sad. The part that stayed with me was the part that I showed to the world and the other part that I left in elementary school I didn't tell anyone about. The part that I showed needed to be what others expected me to be and the other half, I felt it, I didn't really know what it was, very confusing, it felt like there was some of me a long way away. I didn't want to share this with anyone not even my mom who was the only person that I felt any connection too. My mom and me had many chats that lasted for hours and afterwards I felt really good having had them. But I also felt that there was a very big hole in me, I felt hollow and cold, and I was angry that there was something that wasn't allowing me to enjoy the chats as much as I knew I should. I felt cheated but I had no idea what was missing.
Around this time I started to scratch my genitals when I was getting ready to go to bed, I have done this regularly to the present day. Sometimes I did it to the point of causing bleeding. At the time and up until three years ago I couldn't figure out why I was abusing myself like that, I thought that I must be masochistic.
Another thing that started about then is that I wouldn't drink anything for days on end. To the point that I would get headaches. This has continued till fairly recently and again I couldn't figure out why I wanted to hurt myself like this.
I enjoyed playing with my sister who was one year younger then me. The most enjoyable time I can remember having with her was one time when we used her Easy Bake Oven to make some tiny cakes. I felt really proud that I had made something that someone could eat like my mom. I did a lot of baby-sitting and every once and a while as soon as the parents had left I had the same feeling that I did when I pushed my sister of the back of the truck only this time I had to clean everything. I would clean from the time the parents left till they came home. Afterward I would just scratch my head and say what was that? One day walking home from school I stopped and looked at the hospital that I passed on the way home. I don't know if one of my sisters or a friend of theirs was doing some volunteer work at the hospital but as I stood there looking at the hospital I felt that I wanted to volunteer there too. I thought that boys could probably volunteer too but I didn't want to volunteer as a boy I wanted to volunteer as a girl and ware the nice dress that they got to ware as a uniform. I had many mysteries like these about myself that I spent all of my time trying to figure out. I had a couple of friends when I was growing up but I was pretty much of a loner, I found that I was always uncomfortable around people. I never felt connected to anyone not even myself, so I just put one foot in front of the other and did the best I could. But I didn't feel like I was living, like I saw everyone around me doing. I could see them having experiences but it was like I was a spectator watching a show, the closest I could get to living was watching others do it. Every Xmas I would write the date and name of the person on every present so that when I started to live I could remember when and who I had gotten them from. In grade 10 I found that I had a strong dislike for using the change room before and after gym. It wasn't too bad in the beginning but after a while I found that I just couldn't force myself to go in there. Having to look at all that hair and muscles and private parts of naked guys and a smell that turned my stomach. I felt like an outsider and never took gym after that. I wanted to try dating because I saw everyone else doing it and I didn�t want to miss out. I went out to a movie with a girlfriend, holding hands and have my one and only kiss in my life, I didn�t feel anything like I heard others talking about when they went dating. Another time I spent some time at her place and the same thing happened. Instead over the years at high school I found that I wanted to be friends with girls, I was looking for someone that I could relate to. Someone to share my feelings with and someone to do things with and this didn�t go over well. There was one girl that I never said more then hi to a few times but for some reason I was fascinated with her. Her personality was very soft and quit and I so wanted to be her friend. I tried a few times to start a conversation with her but she would just looked at me as if to say �what are you up to� and give me the cold shoulder. I can still feel the pain from the rejection I felt, all I wanted was to feel connected to someone and all I felt was loneliness. I think now that her personality was very close to mine and that�s want drew me to her.
