

1.

These are things which you would never have learned were it not 
for the movies
 

- All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.

- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

- Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.

- Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

- When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

- One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.

- Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

- All computer disks will work in all computers, 
regardless of software.

- Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.

- When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.

- If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22.

- The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.
 

2.
You'll get us both fired.....

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. 

Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. 
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoos most popular attraction, a gorilla has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until 
they can get another one. The mime accepts. 

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that its a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever
did as a mime. 

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lions cage. 
Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. 

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. 

Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, 'Help, Help me!', but the lion is quick and pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up 
at the angry lion and the lion says, 'Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?'

 
3.
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world-famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers...

 

My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have 
plenty of money.

 Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

This is not an answering machine -- this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right ... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll get back to you. 


 
 4.
HOW YOU CAN TELL WHEN IT'S GOING TO BE A BAD DAY


1)You wake up - face down on the pavement

2)You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold

3)You see a "60 minutes" news team waiting for you in your office

4)Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles

5)Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business

6)You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city

7)Your twin sister forgets your birthday

 8)You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then you realize you don't have a waterbed

9)Your carhorn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of hells angels on the freeway

10)Your wife wakes up feeling amourous and YOU have a headache

11)Your boss tells you to not bother taking off you coat

12)The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard

13)You wake up and your braces are locked together

14)You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business

15)Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife 




5.


Surgeons Talk

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."

6.
So here are some pick-up lines that 
work every time!!!!


1. Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.

2. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

 
3. Hi, will you help me find my lost puppy? I think he went into this cheap motel room across the street.

4. You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.

 5. The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.
 
6. Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.


7.Subject: donate
There is this really old guy, like 80 years old. He goes to a hospital
 and says: "I wanna donate some sperm." So the nurse gives him a jar and tells him to come back tomorrow with the sperm.
 The next day, he came back but the jar was empty. So, the nurse asks
"What happened? Where's the sperm?"

  Well, he replies: "I went home and I tried so hard! I used my right
hand and then my left hand. Then my wife tried! She used her right hand and then she tried her left hand! Then she used her mouth, once using her teeth and once without. Then we asked our neighbour to come over and she tried with her left hand and then her right hand! Then she tried with her mouth, once with her teeth and once without."
The nurse gasps.. "Oh dear! You even asked your neighbour!"
 Scroll down!










 The old man says... "Yeah..and we still couldn't get the jar open!




8.Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, 
although measurable distance from the earth every year. 

If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the 
moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the 
earth's surface. 

This would explain the death of the dinosaurs. The tallest ones, 
anyway. 


9
Why English Teachers Are Important: 
The Words are the same. Only the punctuation changes... 

Dear Thomas, 

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, 
kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless 
and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I 
have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever 
happy--will you let me be yours? 

Maria 

-----OR----- 

Dear Thomas, 

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, 
kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being 
useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. 
For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can 
be forever happy. Will you let me be? 
Yours, 

Maria 

10
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are 
the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give 
them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has 
to catch it. 

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. 
They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of 
extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. 

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, 
killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no 
apologies. The rabbit had it coming. 

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten 
bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit! 

11.
So you think you're having a bad day. The following is taken from a 
Florida newspaper: 

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in 
the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the 
motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. 
The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass 
patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. 

The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her 
husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying 
next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone 
and summoned an ambulance. 

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the 
several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to 
her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband 
to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. 
Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers 
towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet. 

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. 
After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the 
damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the 
bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the 
cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still 
seated. 

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her 
husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband 
laying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was 
suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin. 
The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. 

The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at 
the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and 
began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the 
stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics 
asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them 
and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the 
stretcher and dumped the husband out.   He fell down the remaining 
steps and broke his ankle!  

12.
THE MISSIONARY 

A missionary gets sent into the deepest darkest Africa, and goes to 
live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching 
them to read, write, and the good Christian ways of the white man. 
One thing that he particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin. Thou 
must not commit adultery or sexual acts!!! One day, the wife of one 
of the tribes noblemen gave birth to a white child. The village is 
shocked, and the chief is then sent by his people to talk with the 
missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here 
a black women gives birth to a white child. You are the only white 
man that has ever set foot in our village. I know what you've done!" 
The missionary tries to cover himself up by saying: "Oh, no, my good 
man - you are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, 
called an albino. LOOK TO THY YONDER FIELD! You see a field of 
white sheep, yet amongst them is one black sheep. Nature does this 
on occasion." The chief pauses a moment, and then says, "Tell you 
what - you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything 
about the kid." 

13.
The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections 
from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. 

Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf 
person for this job--if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able 
to communicate to the police what he was doing. 

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. 
He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe 
place. 

The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some 
of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf 
collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't 
communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. 
The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." 

The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?" 

The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The 
interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're 
talking about." 

The hood pulls out a .38 gun and places it in the ear of the deaf 
collector. "NOW ask him where da money is." 

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?" 

The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in 
the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate." 

The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know 
what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls 
to pull the trigger." 
  
14..
Having gone to his secretary's apartment, Mr. Biggs was astonished 
to wake up and find that it was three in the morning. "My God!" he 
shouted, "My wife is going to kill me!" 

Unsure of how he would explain it, he ran to the nearest pay phone 
and called his wife. "Honey!" he began, "Don't pay the ransom. I 
escaped!"  

15.

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the 
neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy 
panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he 
takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, 
blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the 
neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. 

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did 
you hear that Fluffy died?". 

The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?". 

The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, 
but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went 
outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him 
back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!" 


16.The top 10 inventions by Blondes: 

1) The water-proof towel 
2) Solar powered flashlight 
3) Submarine screen door 
4) A book on how to read 
5) Inflatable dart board 
6) A dictionary index 
7) Ejector seat in a helicopter 
8) Powdered water 
9) Pedal-powered wheel chair 
10) Water-proof tea bag 



Something fishy...

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's 
best friend. They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just 
laying there, the phone rings.

Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover 
looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation.

She is speaking in a cheery voice: "Hello? Oh, Hi!I'm so glad that you 
called. Really? That's wonderful! I am so happy for you... That sounds 
terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye-bye!"

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about 
 the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you!"




Movie Ratings explained at last..... 

G: Nobody gets the girl. 

PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl. 

R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl. 

X: Everybody Gets The Girl. 

XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cocker spaniel.


>Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the
>car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared
>in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed,
>"Look at the window.  There's an old ghost's face there!" The driver
>sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger
>rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said,
>"What do you want?"
>
>The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"
>
>The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it,"
>to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
>
>A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again.
>The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry;
>the speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was
>a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.
>
>"There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window
>and shakily said, "Yes?"
>
>"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger
>threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"
>
>They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what
>they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came
>some more tapping.
>
>"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and
>screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"
>
>The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"



Fart Joke



An English businesswomen explained to her doctor that she wasalways breaking wind. At board meetings, during interviews,in lifts and on trams -- it was impossible to control.

"But at least I'm fortunate in two respects," she told her doctor. "They neither smell nor make a noise. In fact, you'll be surprised to know I've let two go since I've been talking to you."

The doctor reached for his pad, scribbled a prescription, and handed it to her.

"What's this?" she queried, reading the prescription. "Nasal drops?"

"Yes," replied the doctor. "First we'll fix your nose, then we'll have a go at your hearing"

 

I was helping someone set up his computer, and when we came to a screen where he needed to enter a password, his rebellious attitude kicked in.

He keyed in the word, "penis."

The program quickly replied, *** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***


Top Ten Reasons To Go 
To Work Naked...


1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

 


Jim and Jack were on the 14th hole, ready to tee off when a funeral procession drove down the adjoining road. Seeing the hearse, Jim stopped, took off his hat, and placed his hand over his heart.

"Wow!" said Jack, "I never knew you had so much respect for the dead."

"I ought to," said Jim, "I was married to her for forty years!"

 

One Hundred Dollars From God

A Post Office worker at the main sorting office finds an
unstamped, poorly hand-written envelope addressed to God.

He opens it and discovers it is from an elderly lady, distressed
because some thief robbed her of 100 dollars. She will be cold
and hungry for the rest of the month if she doesn't receive some
divine intervention.

The worker organizes a collection amongst the other postal
workers, who dig deep and come up with 96 dollars. They get it to
her by special courier the same morning.

A week later, the same postal worker recognizes the same hand on
another envelope. He opens it and reads:

"Dear God, Thank you for the 100 dollars. This month would have
been so bleak otherwise.

"P.S. It was four dollars short but that was probably those
thieving bastards at the Post Office."