Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers
 
after a large meal. "Your wife makes a delicious roast,"one
 
chief said. "Thanks," his friend said."I'm gonna miss her."


Americanized Ramayan
> > >
> > >So much for our Hinduism .
> > >
> > >How does a ABCD(American Born Confused Desi)
> > >explain to his younger brother the topic - When did Diwali begin?
> > >
> > >This is how he goes about it............(read it with an American accent)
> > >
> > >So, like this dude had, like, a big cool kingdom and people liked him.
> > >But, like, his step mom, or somethin', was kind of a bitch, and she 
> >forced
> > >her husband to, like, you know, send this cooldude, he was Ram, to some
> > >national forest or reserve or somethin'. Since he was going, for like,
> > >somethin' like more than 10 years or so, he decided to take his wife and
> > >his bro along. You know...so that they could all chill out together. But
> > >dude, the forest was reeeeeeal scary shit, really man, they had monkeys 
> >and
> > >devils and shit like that. But this dude, Ram, kicked the ass with darts,
> > >bows
> > >and arrows, so it was fine.
> > >But then some bad gansta' boys, some jerk called Ravan, picks up his
> > >babe(Sita) and lures her away to his hood. And boy, were our man, and his
> > >bro Lakshman, pissed! And you don't piss this son-of-a-gunz 'coz, he just
> > >kicks ass and like, all the gods were with him. So anyways, you don't
> > >mess with gods. So, Ram and his bro get an army of monkeys. Dude, don't 
> >ask
> > >me
> > >how they trained the damn monkeys, just go along with me, OK. So, Ram,
> > >Lakhs,
> > >and their monkeys whip this gansta's ass in his own hood. Anyways, by 
> >now,
> > >their time's up in the forest and anyways, it gets kinda boring. You know
> > >no
> > >TVs or malls or shit like that. So, they decided to hitch back home. His
> > >bro
> > >and the wife are back home. People
> > >thought, well, you know, at least they deserve somethin' nice and they
> > >didn't
> > >have any bars and clubs in those days. So they couldn't take them out for 
> >a
> > >drink, so the people decided to smoke or shit. And they also had some
> > >lamps,
> > >they lit the lamps too. So it was pretty cooool....you know with all 
> >those
> > >fireworks really, they had some local band play along with the fireworks,
> > >and
> > >you know what, dude, that was the very first, no kidding, that was the 
> >very
> > >first musical-synchronized fireworks. You know, like
> > >the 4th of the July stuff, but just more cooler and stuff, you know. And,
> > >so
> > >dude, that was how, like, this festival started. Cool!! Diwali Rocks
> > >Maaaan!


A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his
 
arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing
 
with the chimp. "I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no
 
children; so he's going to live with us just like one of
 
the family. He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even
 
sleep in the same bed with me and my wife."
 
"But what about the smell?" the friend asked.
 
"Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did."



An Indian was sitting between two Pakistanis on a long airplane
 
flight. He had just removed his shoes and gotten comfortable
 
when one of the Pakistanis nudged him and said,"Hey, Indian, go get
 
us some orange juice." To avoid any trouble, the Indian
 
did so. When he left, both Pakistanis spit in his shoes.
 
The Indian came back with the juice, which the Pakistanis
 
gulped down. The rest of the flight was uneventful. The
 
plane landed, and the Indian put on his shoes and felt the
 
squishing inside. He turned to the Pakistanis and said,"If there
 
is ever going to be peace i, the Pakistanis will
 
have to stop spitting in the shoes of Indians, and the Indians
 
will have to stop pissing in the Pakistanis' orange juice."



A Television Program Organizer (Lady) went to make
> > > > an Interview
> > > > >> > with a farmer seeking the main reason that
> > > > caused Cow Madness. (Mad Cow >>
> > > > > disease)
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> > The Lady : Good evening Sir, we are here to
> > > > collect information about
> > > > >>the
> > > > >> > reason that causes Cow Madness. Do you have any
> > > > idea what might be the
> > > > >> > reason??
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> > The Farmer, stared at the lady and said, "Do
> > > > you know that the Bull
> > > > >>f...s
> > > > >> > the cow once a year? The Lady getting
> > > > embarassed: "Well sir, that's a
> > > > >>new
> > > > >> > piece of information, but what's the relation
> > > > between this phenomena
> > > > >>and
> > > > >> > Cow Madness? The Farmer : Well Mam, do you know
> > > > that we milk the Cow
> > > > >>FOUR
> > > > >> > times a day!!!
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> > The Lady : Sir this is really valuable
> > > > information, but what about
> > > > >>getting
> > > > >> > to the point!
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> > The Farmer : I am getting to the point Mam.
> > > > Just imagine, if I am
> > > > >>playing
> > > > >> > with your Tits FOUR TIMES A DAY and F...ING YOU
> > > > ONCE A YEAR, won't
> > > > >> > you get Mad??
> > > >
> 


When do you care for a man's company? 
When he owns it. 

How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
Three, if you slice them very thinly. 

Why do men get married? 
So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore.

What are a woman's four favorite animals? 
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all. 

How do you get a man to do sit-ups? 
Put the remote control between his toes. 

Why are dumb blonde jokes so short? 
So brunnettes can remember them. 

What did God say after creating man? 
I must be able to do better than that.


What did God say after creating Eve? 
"Even I can make mistakes" 

What's the difference between men and government bonds? 
Bonds mature. 

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? 
They're married. 

Why do men buy electric lawn mowers? 
So they can find their way back to the house. 

Why are married women heavier than single women? 
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge. 

What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower? 
A widower. 

What do you call a man who has lost 100% of his brainpower?
A remarried widower.

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her." "But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?" God says: "So she would love you." 

Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years? 
He wouldn't ask for directions.


A FINAL REQUEST

Paddy was summoned to Mick's bedside, as his old friend had very
little time left.

"Paddy," said Mick, "We've been mates all our lives, and I have a last
request of you before I pass on."

"Sure Mick," says Paddy. "Anything for me old pal."

"Every year, on me birthday, I want you to pour a bottle of fine Irish
whiskey over me grave,"  says Mick. "Tis a fittin' reminder of our
long years of friendship."

Paddy thinks for a long minute, and says, "Mick, me ol' mate, I've
just one question."

"What's that, then?" asks Mick.

Paddy hesitates, and then asks, "Would ya mind terribly if I filter it
through me kidneys first?"

PHONE PRANKS

I was sitting around my house bored the other day, my girlfriend was
out with friends and none of my buddies were online, so I decided to
make a quick phone call...

'Ring Ring'

Keith: Hello?

Phil: Hi Keith

Keith: Oh, hello Philip. What can I do for you?

Phil: Question...

Keith: Shoot.

Phil: What's got a small dick and hangs down?

Keith: No idea, I give up.

Phil: A Bat

Keith: Sad

Phil: Next question, what's got a big dick and hangs up?

Keith: What?

Phil: <click>

And that was the end of that conversation, try that one on your
friends... although, it does work better if you're a male.






